Top Ten Reasons I Haven't Lost Weight This Week

[Mikey 0]

Top Ten Reasons I Haven't Lost Weight This Week:

10. My addictions. meat, cheese, bread, my couch, my diet Coke, my need for external validation from my fellow humans, my intravenous creme filling habit, etc.

9. My 'stories.' (House, Bones, NCIS, Numbers, Injustice, E-Ring, American Idol, Law & Order, Law & Order Special Victims Unit, Law & Order Criminal Intent, Law & Order Traffic Cops, Law & Order Fashion Police) For some reason, when I watch these programs, I am possessed by the evil Chip&Dip Demon.

8. Terrorists. I don't have proof, but I have it on good authority that an elite paramilitary platoon of trained enemy guerillas snuck into my kitchen and laced all of my loverly powdered whey Protein containers with a sinister white powder: Powdered sugar!!!

7. Trained Twinkies. I swear - I was sitting on my couch, minding my own business (see # 9), when this small herd of Twinkies shed their wrappers in a provocative dance set to Vogue (by Madonna), and jumped straight into my mouth!

6. Media-induced depression. After watching the news for approximately twelve minutes, the cockles of my heart weren't warmed. They were smothered in a mind-numbing onslaught of soul-crushing despair brought on by images of war, chaos, financial panic, and Jessica Simpson casually flinging tasty bite-sized bits of cheesy goodness at someone who can only be described as a 'minor.' For shame.

5. Uninspired excercise. Yes, Dance Dance Revolution is a fun way to get a body moving - combining aerobically complex dance steps with the compelling competition of a video game. However, the brain-eating proponderance of psycho-trance-industrial-house-techno-moron music is enough to drive me to the buffet with a pitchfork and a garden trowel.

4. Holidays. Inauguration Day. My wife's birthday. Valentine's Day. Predidents Day. Mardis Gras. Mom-in-law's birthday. Those are behind me - but coming soon: Mom's Birthday. Parents' anniversary. We just started Lent. Easter's coming. I'm not even Catholic, but I'm dooooooomed!!!

3. Work. Do I tell folks the truth? Or do I tell them that I just had a simple routine surgery to fix/remove my hernia/gallbladder/spleen/third nipple? What do I do when the gang heads to lunch at the local Deep Fried And Dunked In chocolate Hut? How do I turn down all the birthday cake/cookies/brownies/side o' beef?

2. Friends and Family. Is my mean Aunt Bertha jealous that I'm actually taking a step toward becoming the size of a normal human - or at least a smaller rhinocerous? Have my friends stopped inviting me over for fear that my diet-induced hunger will put their small wiener dogs at risk? Will my fragile male ego splinter into a bazillion small pieces when someone notices my wife's weight loss, and fails to acknowledge mine?

1. And the #1 reason why I'm probably not losing weight this week is something so frightening, so dreadfully scary, so horrifyingly paralyzing that I won't even have to supply a description - we all know the terror, panic, and band-crushing hysteria innocently called... Girl Scout Cookies!!

Disclaimer: I don't actually own a scale. The size of my ... um... personality keeps me from being able to use a normal scale, and I'm just not willing to buy an industrial strength scale.

So I don't actually know that I haven't lost weight - I just wanted to be silly. I do currently have a handle on the buffets, trained twinkies, and bite-sized bits of cheesy goodness... I don't have powdered sugar in my protein cannisters... and the Chip&Dip Demon knows that I'm a carnivore - I could eat him whole in a single sitting!

So just laugh :confused:

[JanetC 2]

Heh. At least he didn't blame his wife! :confused:

[NJChick 3]

ROFLMFAO @ Mikey

I love to laugh....keep em coming.

[Dianechef 3]

Mikey!!! TOOO FUNNY!!! I am so with you on those Girl Scout Cookies!! Did you see the poll I took to vote on what to do with all of them?!? :confused: I am seriously HIDING from the Cookies. They have some crazy power over me & scare me to death. My kids won't let me throw them away!!!

Good luck Dude!! Thanks for the great laugh!!!!!!! :dance:

[Alexra 0]

OK, I think I just burned quite a few calories laughing at this, thanks for the workout :confused:

[Jessiebear 2]

LOL! LOL! LOl! That was hilarious Mikey! Thanks!!

[SherryW 4]

OMG I'm laughing so hard my port side hurts again hahahaha. Thank you so much for the wonderful sense of humor!

[pugmum 0]

LOL This is so funny!! I love the Twinkies part! Do they still make Twinkies? I read that they have a 12-year shelf life!!! Wrah wroh.

Kelli

[Alexandra 55]

Brilliant and inspired!! :pound:

[DOC 0]

Mike,

Hysterical................!!!!!!!!!

[tpierce98664 0]

OMG!!!

Hell, I don't know if I have ever laughed so hard!! Thank you for that and keep em' comin'!!! Your one of a kind!

[Kim_8 2]

Quote:

3. Work. Do I tell folks the truth? Or do I tell them that I just had a simple routine surgery to fix/remove my hernia/gallbladder/spleen/third nipple? What do I do when the gang heads to lunch at the local Deep Fried And Dunked In chocolate Hut? How do I turn down all the birthday cake/cookies/brownies/side o' beef?

This is right up there with Strawarts post! Thanks for the laugh! You're funny - I love that! And a laugh before bedtime.... I usually have to wait until I'm IN bed for that - kidding DH.... really .

[DonnaB 3]

I'm on day one of my pre-op liquid diet and am miserable.

I've just learned that laughter STOPS hunger pangs in their gigantic, all consuming tracks. Hmmmmm. I think I might have just stumbled onto something important.

Excellent post Mikey, thanks. Janet you lucky girl! Congrats.

[JanetC 2]

Heh. You're right, lol, I am lucky! He keeps me in stitches 99.9% of the time.

You've got a point about the laughter & hunger. Hmmm. Gonna have to buy some funny tapes! Wonder if they sell "The Daily Show" by season, lol. :confused:

[divaliciousdee 0]

Mikey Law and order has a fashion police unit ..tooo cool! LOL

Thank you for the laugh I really needed it!! We have number 9 in common! Girl Scout Cookies are the ANTICHRIST!!!!