Emotional Support - What Does It Look/feel Like?

[indyhandmade 43]

Weird question, I know.

I am almost done with my six month pre-op diet phase, waiting on the final consultation with the surgeon. My husband has been "supportive" to the extent he has to be. He wants me to have surgery, he wants me to change my lifestyle - but not at the risk of changing HIM. I had to complete six support groups pre-op, so tonight I was able to do three in a row. My time is short and the bariatric center is a bit of a drive. Afterwards, I was on the phone with him about how nice it was and how I'll be going to more groups, he blew up about how valuable his time is and what he's had to give up for (three hours) me. This led to a deeper, more emotional disccusion about my perceived lack of support. He thinks he's just telling me how it is and that I shouldn't expect more than that and I feel that he should at least attempt to have some solidarity (not have the counters crammed with junk food), etc.

How does your significant other support you? How does it make you feel? If there are people out there who don't have support person to lean on, how do you get through it? This is the road I think I'll be facing.

[Sojourner 2,446]

Weird question, I know.

I am almost done with my six month pre-op diet phase, waiting on the final consultation with the surgeon. My husband has been "supportive" to the extent he has to be. He wants me to have surgery, he wants me to change my lifestyle - but not at the risk of changing HIM. I had to complete six support groups pre-op, so tonight I was able to do three in a row. My time is short and the bariatric center is a bit of a drive. Afterwards, I was on the phone with him about how nice it was and how I'll be going to more groups, he blew up about how valuable his time is and what he's had to give up for (three hours) me. This led to a deeper, more emotional disccusion about my perceived lack of support. He thinks he's just telling me how it is and that I shouldn't expect more than that and I feel that he should at least attempt to have some solidarity (not have the counters crammed with junk food), etc.

How does your significant other support you? How does it make you feel? If there are people out there who don't have support person to lean on, how do you get through it? This is the road I think I'll be facing.

That's a difficult scenario, indyhandmade...and not a weird question at all...

Before I answer it, anyone who might read this response and take exception to it. please don't personalize any part of this message...I answer from the perspective of a licensed professional in mental health disciplines.

Though you did not mention how long you and your husband have been together, and the length of time that your weight has been an issue for you, typically the spouse who is not "Changing" (surgery, striving for weight loss) will feel threatened by the balance of the relationship changing. Your husband's response to your sharing of the experiences with the support groups tells me that he is acting in a selfish, immature manner, and his insecurities about the direction your changes have created some insecurities in his beliefs.

If he will ever be supportive to you as you go on this journey is questionable; he needs to gain some real maturity so that he can perceive that he is not the center of the universe...that he is part of a partnership. Typically, people don't change their beliefs and behaviors unless they are extremely motivated to do so. Attempting to assist your husband to understand and accept that this weightloss journey is about you for the purpose of enhancing your health and by default your marriage is worth a try, also that he will like the "new you" just as much or better than the pre-band you. Just be prepared to accept that he may not get on board with you and be supportive.

For this journey, emotional support is essential for your success. Reach out to those in the support group, you might be surprised by the number of people who are experiencing similar challenges at home with their family/friends. There are some excellent and supportive individuals that actively participate on this forum. You did not mention other family, however a sister/mother/aunt may be available for emotional support.

As for me, my husband has been supportive of my decision to have the band surgery. He has attended all of the information and education sessions with me, stayed with me while I was in the hospital, tries to make sure that wherever I am in the house, I have a bottle of Water to sip on. He has not expected me to cook for him during the weeks that I was on my liquid diet, and has made an effort to not cook any of the meals I find particularly difficult to ignore.

Everyone is human, and unique...we all have our faults! Try your best to keep the "lines of communication" open with him, and be willing to hear his feelings on the topic(s) which concern him. You cannot force him to be an emotional support of any kind for you if he chooses not to...so be clear in your mind about your options and which people will be your "go to" individuals on your journey.

I don't know if what I wrote helped, or if it even made any sense to you...feel free to write back if you have any questions or concerns...

Good luck...you can do this with him or with out him!

[SageTracey 608]

I cannot imagine taking this journey without the total support of my husband. In fact, he suggested that I look into LB surgery (without knowing that my GP had made the same suggestion.) His comment that really meant so much to me was that he didn't want me to die or end up in a wheelchair because of my weight. He wanted me around for a long time to come.

My husband still enjoys his food but is more than happy to eat whatever I prepare and he prepares foods that he knows I can eat.

The biggest thing that he has done and continues to do for me is exercise. Every morning we walk, cycle or swim together. He is even taking adult swim lessons so that he can actually enjoy swimming. Plus we dance, usually twice a week.

He doesn't need to lose weight but has found that adapting his lifestyle to support me has improved his cholesterol levels.

And because we are on this journey together, with common goals, our marriage has also improved. We communicate better than ever before and we really look forward to our time together, whether we are walking, cycling, swimming or dancing.

I hope that you can get the support you need from somewhere. I truly believe it will make your journey more successful.

[#MagicWithinme 173]

As much as my sweetie didn't want me to do it (afraid something would happen to me during surgery). I didn't know until weeks after. He went with me to all appointments asked questions. he brought me my liquids, food whatever I needed. drinks Protein Shakes with me. He reads information with me. basically tells me all will be fine, I just have to give it some time.

I've lost weight, and I reassure him that I'm not gonna be looking I am treated like a queen and no one else is gonna put up with my sh#t. (I tell him its his fault he has me so spoiled).

Its all about communication, the lapband is lifechanging not only for us for us as a couple, and I doubt I would have done it if my hubby had not been there with me.

I'm a wimp and now I'm spoiled and complain all the time, but I'm gonna give this a whirl and I love the look in his eyes when Im wearing a nice dress or something he hasn't seen. :wub:

[indyhandmade 43]

I wrote that in the heat of the moment. Let me clarify a few things.

We are a family with two young boys, one parent that works full time and the other is a busy business owner trying to evolve. We are committed to being home with our children, so we never use daycare. Having time to myself is a very rare occurance. The children are too young to take to the meetings. Excercise happens early in the morning at the gym or during naptime at home. My infringing on his worktime creates an automatic conflict.

And he's vegetarian.

Nothing means more to him than my health. He has shown encouragement and support in his own way. I wish it was more. I wish he would try to be healthful along beside me, even if it has to be on his terms. It seems the further I get into this, the more he pushes away from that lifestyle leaving me feeling alone.

Which makes me want to eat.

[pink dahlia 2,513]

dont know what to tell you babe. you may or may not be able to count on him as your main support system, but then its not written that a spouse HAS to be the main one. maybe a buddy ? also, just from personal experiance, i find that my hubby was 100% in favor of LB, but like alot of men , doesnt want to hear alot of details or talk about it much. i think its a guy thing, honestly. we girls can talk a subject to death and kind of speak girl talk. guys, not so much. i think they speak in shorthand and then want to move on. so....... maybe some of his lack of support is not personal, its just more info than he needs. just a thought. ... anyway my hubby was very helpful as i recovered from surgery but other then helping me off the couch for a week afterwards and taking good care of me for the 1st 2 days, i really didnt need any support. i breezed thru surgery and felt great by day 3, and have had no probs since . (banded 11 weeks) we did change our diet when he was diagnosed diabetic 1 1/2 yrs ago, so we didnt have to make any dietary changes. YOU will have to make changes, but your hubby has no obligation to change his lifestyle, as much as we would like to have him do it. sad but true. hope all goes well, best of luck !

[Caribear 184]

I'm sorry you're going through this, indy. I guess I have two things to chip in to the conversation. The first is maybe asking your husband what he would be comfortable with doing. See what he is willing to do, and what he thinks you expect him to do. He may assume that you are going to try to "drag him along" and force him to make sacrifices that he's not comfortable making when it comes to food and lifestyle changes. I know it's hard, and that it would be so much easier if he would go in on it with you, but there are a lot of changes going on in your world right now and sometimes that can feel like too much for a partner. Maybe let him know what you would like from him and see what kind of compromise you can come to. Just don't sacrifice the things you really need just to make him comfortable.

Secondly, it might be very worth the cost to hire a babysitter so that you can have more time for you. I completely understand wanting to be the ones to look after your kids, but remember that you need certain things so that you can be the best mommy you can be. Don't sacrifice quality of time for quantity of time. Do you have any relatives that can watch them for a few hours a week while you go to your meetings?

My boyfriend is pretty supportive in some respects. He has always pretty much had the attitude that whatever I want to do is fine with him as long as it doesn't infringe on his needs too much. We have a young child too, and we have been through those same issues about wanting to be the ones to watch him. But we have close family that has thankfully been willing to watch him when it's absolutely necessary. My boyfriend is also starting up a new business with his dad, and his time is pretty much limited, but he understands that these appointments are non-negotiable for me and we always find a way to work it out.

I hope you can find some solutions that work for you, and I wish you luck and will pray for you.

[indyhandmade 43]

Thank you for all your input. I agree that this is not his journey, it is mine, but we do share a life together and this band will dramatically influence it. I'm hoping that once he starts to see the changes occuring, he will be more on board with eating well and exercise. I have to attend a huge one-day pre-op class prior to surgery and they recommend that your support person attends. We'll see if it'll be him or somebody else. I do have relatives that are supportive, and many friends who are as well. I agree that going into summer, we need to find a babysitter who we can use every once in awhile to be able to have a breather.

[anncm 0]

I'm sorry you are going through this. My husband got the band a year ago and I was worried about it. I was worried about the procedure itself etc.. but I also admit I didn't know a lot I didn't go to the seminars with him. I was also worried emotionally that he would lose a lot of weight and then leave me..as we weren't married at that time although we had been in a 6 yr. relationship.

It's a year later now and I will be getting it done in a 1.5 weeks. I see how happy and confident he is. His health has greatly improved also. I am tired of the many yo-yo diets and I am excited after seeing his transformation. He lost 70 lbs and I have become excited about this life changing procedure.

Put yourself first and take care of yourself. Our health is so important.

Good Luck.

[jhaywoo 7]

Yes my wife is very very supported of me getting the lap banded she even helping me with the pre op diet,for many reason

# 1 we can start having good sex again.lol

# 2 I can do more around the house

#3 my attitude will get better

#4 my health will get better

#5 I can bath better & including washing place I couldnt reach

I can go on and on

Sweetie I'm so sorry you have to go though this with your man.but I bet as you as you start turning heads he will be trippin.stay strong and if dosnt start acting right you have to start looking ahead without him.nobody and especially women shouldn't have to go though this.after all yall went though enough of having us for 9 months.Thanks to all the ladies.

Sent from my PC36100 using LapBandTalk

[jen_1381 446]

You posed a great question about emotional support. I feel very blessed with my husband, and I even feel bad for complaining about this, but my husband is maybe a little too supportive. He thinks I am absolutely perfect the way I am. He never understood why I would diet, and why when I look in the mirror I hate what I see. Knowing that he thinks I'm great the way I am, at 235 lbs, made it much easier not to stick to my diets. I finally sat him down, with tears flowing (which TOTALLY scared him since I'm not the crying type!) and just filled him in on what I go through being overweight and how having this procedure would change ME for the better. I think its scary for men to think change....like, SHE'S changing so I either have to change too or get left in the dust. I've actually inspired my husband to get fit with me (even though he's 175 lbs and very active). We've planned out my post-op work outs and everything. Maybe just reinforcing that you're in this together and that you need his support will put him at ease.

[indyhandmade 43]

UPDATE

Things are way better now. We have had many conversations since my original post. He admitted to being fearful that I would leave him once I was thin (ha!). I reassured him that we are a team and my weight doesn't influence that. He's ow on board with losing weight with me. Must have been some bad mojo between us at the time.

[litl1997 14]

Me and my better half actually had our surgery the same day so we support each other. My ex is always trying to put me down with the choice u made like saying u could of did it on your own like me. Just always rubbing it in my face. So that can make a person kinda depressed. If your husband doesnt support you then we all are here to support you.