How To Tell Spouse

[omgmegg 1]

Hello! New here.

I’m 25 years old, a wife, and mother of a 2 year old and a 7 month old. Like most everyone on here, I’ve been overweight my entire teenage and adult life. I’ve never, that I can remember, been below 235.

I’ve always had problems with my knees since I was a teen. Last September I was training for a 5k and was experiencing severe pain so I went to see a doctor. I was diagnosed with Patellofemoral Syndrome and early onset arthritis in both knees. The doctor told me if I didn’t lose 100lbs within a reasonable amount of time, he predicted I would need a double knee replacement by 40. That scared me because my dad just had knee replacement at 40 and needs another knee replacement next year.

So I wanted to go to a nutritionist. I went to my primary doctor who was a bit overweight herself and I didn’t get the feeling she really supported me going to a nutritionist. But she weighed me and everything, my BMI is 39 (I’m 5’9 and 264lbs) and diagnosed me as obese with the recommendation to go to a nutritionist.

I took that letter to the nutritionist who turned it into my insurance (they ended up not paying for the nutritionist but I didn’t follow up to why). I went to her once and didn’t go back. She didn’t seem like a good fit.

I’ve recently started exercising but my knees are killing me. Even sitting here at the computer is painful.

Enough background:

My husband is really fit and in shape. He’s thin and has no issues with food or weight what so ever. He doesn’t understand what I’m going through and I’m afraid that he will brush it off as me just needing to get motivation to lose weight on my own. I want to go and see two weight loss surgery programs in my city (at two different hospitals- Syracuse, NY) but I want his support. I want him to go with me or at least not think I’m silly for wanting to do this. Like I just gave up. He honestly believes that with enough will power and motivation I can do it...But when I exercise my knees hurt for days, sometimes even a weeks.

I don’t really know what I’m asking...I guess, how did you all talk to your significant others? Were they supportive? Did you move forward anyway and they joined in later?

[honk 780]

Full disclosure I am not married. Okay, that said. Have you looked into what the requirements are for your insurance? Some will only cover if your BMI is above 40, less if you have comobidities.

First only 5 % of people who loose significant weight keep it off. The rest regain what they lost if not more. I've done that 3 times in my life (lost 100 pounds and regained at 13,18,30). Do you think your husband will like those odds?

Second have you considered either swimming or Water aerobics? I had horrific knee pain. So bad I didn't want to go or do anything it was so painful just to walk. I went to a Ortho and he just flat out told me the only way to fix my problem was to loose weight. Period. I started swimming (me and my fat lady swim dress) an hour a day, 7 days a week. The good I lost 30 pounds, the bad I still had a stroke at 39. At one of my doctors appointments I was asked if I ever considered weight loss surgery. I was really thrown because I never saw it as something would actually do.

I would go on Youtube and watch a surgery. There is no blood do it isn't gross. Most people only really know about gastric bypass so they lump all weight loss surgery into one. I think it might help your husband if he watched the surgery and saw what exactly would be done.

At 42 I wish I had done this years ago. NO REGRETS!

[lovebug17 13]

Although I didn't have to tell a spouse I had to tell close friends and in a way educate them on the surgery and how it's not the easy way out and by making this decision I will have to work at this for the rest of my life . Once they saw how it will help me in the future and help me get healthy they were happy with the decision I made . Maybe have him do some research so he can see for himself why you are doing this and also tell him it's somthing you need to do to be the best you that you can be

[The teen bandit 3]

My boyfriend was supportive, we were only friends when I got the band done, he would ask questions about it, and wanted to know how it all worked, it was really good, he himself is a bit chubby, he wants to loose weight too but hasn't looked into getting the band, I think next time he brings up weightloss I'm gonna suggest the band. He's older then me so it's gonna be easier for him to get insurance for it, I'm 16, the first doc I went to only did 21 and over because of insurance. I was 15 at the time, I was so happy when I found my dr. My bmi was something like 56, I'm 5'8 and was 170kg. I'm now 142kg my bmi is 48 been banded 6 months so it's a great feeling, when I was ten, sitting in a doctors clinic, having every test done to see why I was obese, the doctor came straight out and said to my mum infront of me, she's gonna die before she's 21. 8 months ago, I was bed ridden, i had chronic back pain, crushed L4 and L5 plates in my lower back and sciatic nerve damage and out of school for two years, that was from being so big. I have now restarted school this year, I have a social life now, I'm starting to get more confident, it's just a great feeling, I can do so much more now. When ur husband see how much your life is improving with a band, he will understand

I don't regret a thing, everything leading up to now, has made me who I am today, I have just begun living life to it's fullest everyday.

if you think it's right for you, tell him, he's your husband, he should support you if he has seen the trouble you endore.

[Dulci 108]

I told my husband that I was thinking of the surgery and explained that the band was not bypass. I asked him to go to the seminar with me. I also told him that I needed his support to be successful.

I expected him to be negative, like he had been with every weight loss gimmick I tried in the past. (He was supportive of the reasonable ones.) I was happily surprised that he went to the seminar.

During my preop diet, he was amazing. He would have cold Cereal or sandwiches for dinner so I wouldn't smell food in the house. Since surgery, he has joined me in following my food plan (low carb), although he eats a greater volume of food. He also told me that he did a lot of research online to learn about the band and possible complications.

Getting my band has had a side effect of improving the health of my marriage too!

[Kiskis 56]

My husband supported me through the whole process. He even did the pre-op diet with me and has lost 30 lbs over the last year. In Canada we are self pay and the cost is $18K so I needed to have his support. And still today he is my biggest fan! Good luck in your decision.

K

[CindyBklyn 4]

I would just asking him to be involved so both of you can decide if it's right for you. I went to the seminar for my husband 2 different times to support him although I was unsure about it. In the end, I not only knew it was a great opportunity for him but I was banded a month behind him. You will need his support - so ask it. Good luck.

[lorena st 33]

You are young and have a lot on your plate...but the support of your spouse is important. Have you talked to him about getting banded? Have you shown him this site? He knows that you struggle with your weight and until you talk to him you won't know what he thinks or feels. Information is power and the more informed both of you are, the better decisions you can both make. I am twice your age (but the same height and starting weight as you) and have been overweight since I was 25 years old. Trust me, you don't want to spend the next 25 years of your life like this. I wish this procedure had been available to me, 25 years ago. Fortunately, my husband is very supportive of my decision, although he wonders who all my new online friends are! In the end, you have to do what is best for your health.

[Mjv013 67]

I think having him go to a seminar with you could be your answer. My husband is in the military and in great shape and always has been so he didnt understand either. He really was only concerned about my health and the safety of the surgery so it was not a hard sell for me. Having the band is not a failure by any means. Struggling with weight your entire life can be over come. But... I think some of us need a little bit more help then others. With your knee problems pushing through intense workouts is not going to to anything but harm. What happens if you hurt your self bad enough you have to have surgery earlier? More weight would be added! Ill tell you I had knee problems too and I was 297 at my highest. About a month after surgery, my knee pain started to lessen and now I have none!! My husband did not attend the seminar but I showed him all the stuff I brought home and explained that it is totally and completely reversible unlike by-pass and it was safe to get pregnant. He was and is supportive. But like you he never could understand how I just couldnt lose weight.

Good luck!!

[journey4me 23]

I waited a long time to tell people including my family. I didn't tell them til a couple days before surgery becasue this was my decision and I didn't want anyone elses feelings about it interfer with my choice. I only had one friend who thought I shouldn't do it, but I was ok with that. Everyone has their opinion and people can't understand by just saying the words. It is a process for us to learn and it takes us going through the process to get all the info we need to understand. I have no idea how to make someone else to get it. I would say you have decided that you need to do this for your health9not a lame excuse) the best reason ever! If he is into exercising he should understand how important it is to keep our bodies healthy. You hope others understand and continue on your journey. You have one life and you are in control of it. Good luck!

[waitingpatiently 250]

Having your husband's support is so important!. My husband is very supportive.....but he is a man and sometimes he speaks before he thinks about what he is saying. So when i have something that I need him to think about before responding...no knee jerk reactions. I tell him so. I start with. I need to discuss something with you that has been on my mind but i need you to do me a favor and hear me out completely and then take some time to think about what i have said before you respond. This is important to me. I would then explain how you feel emotionally and physically with being so over weight. That you have none your research, (make sure you have none your research-haha) and insurance will pay for you to have lapband surgery. And that it would mean a lot to have his support if you decide that this is what you what to do. That you would like for him to do a little research and see what others are saying. Show him this site. Let him read from others how it is unlikely that you will be able to lose 100lbs and keep it off without help. and that is more likely you will be facing heart disease, sleep apnea and being diabetic if you don't get this undercontrol. And finally tell him you want to take responsiblity and break the cycle for your children. That it isn't good for them to see their mother so out of shape....there is a 50% chance that they too will be obese simply because you are. (that satistic was in todays newsletter from mr. lapband on this site) Tell him that you will answer any questions he has, but to please not make you feel ashamed for wanting to be healthy again.

Hope that helps. I will be praying for you.

[NWgirl 574]

Don't over think the response you may receive- I made this mistake.

When I told my guy, he was hesitant about the whole thing. Not hesitant like, "why would you waste the money?" or "this is foolish," but more so wondering about how safe it was and assuring he loved me no matter my size (that's easy to say when you're the beanpole!!).

I talked everything over with him, we watched a video on youtube of a procedure, and we researched any questions he had. After watching the video and learning more about it and realizing the surgery is not "traditional" WLS, he was 100% behind me.

Just last night, I was telling my boss (who is like a second mom to me) that I would be taking time off for a procedure. I did not tell her what procedure then because of embarrassment/shame for having to admit I am a failure. She was genuinely concerned and asked me to tell her when I was ready to. After sleeping on it, I decided to tell her the full truth. I wrote her an email early this AM explaining everything and a few hours later I got an email back filled with love, encouragement, and support. I was so scared of what she could have said that I looked past how she has always been supportive of anything I do. It also doesn't help that she is super skinny/gorgeous- she just turned 51 but looks like she's in her mid-30's

I guess my point is, tell the people who love you. I am sure you will be given a lot of love and support. If you're not, then they just don't understand and it's not worth your time to dwell on it.

[omgmegg 1]

Thanks for all your support.

I especially like the conversation starter "I need to discuss something with you that has been on my mind but i need you to do me a favor and hear me out completely and then take some time to think about what i have said before you respond."

I’m going to call my insurance company today to see if it will be covered.

Is there anything specifically I should be asking?

[Imanurse 27]

Hi - I' m in Syracuse! If u ever want to chat with someone close -I'm here! I am going on 4 months of a required 6 month documented weight loss. I am seeing Dr. Cooper out of Crouse.

[Imanurse 27]

Hi -I'm from Syracuse so if you want to chat with someone close I' m here! I am seeing Dr Cooper out of Crouse - I am in month 4 of a required 6 month documented diet. And it' s going by FAST. Good luck!!!