"You're Not The Same Anymore"

[skinnymini 0]

That's what my husband said to me today. He doesn't want to touch me because he said he may hurt me, when words hurt more. I'm a very touchy feely wife. I was like this before surgery, and today I feel 80% better and I wanted to be held but he wouldn't touch me. I wanted to guide him to my scars which have gauze over them. He drew back like I had some abnormalty or something. Before I went in he was fine, until a coupe of days before then he was all like "I don't think I want you to get this done." I thought maybe it was from the death factor, which he said it was, but I'm alive, and here. But now he's all like I've lost my eating partner, and I watch you take 1-2 hours to finish a bowl of oatmeal when it would have normally have taken you about 15 min if that. I told him it's supposed to be this way, in the liquid phase I drink until the hunger is gone. Then I drink more when it comes back. Basically. Then he's all like " For the rest of your life you'll have to see a doctor to make sure what you're eating and drinking isn't affecting you, and you'll have to take pills for the rest of your life." I told him that what he was saying wasn't exactly true, and if he would have been open to going to the meetings with me and the doctor's visits then he may not have felt this way. But I guess to see someone in pain and actually going through it is different. He hates to see me in pain or be in pain himself. But now he's got me crying and he's all apologetic, but his words really hurt me. I thought he was supportive, I mean it's great in theory but when it actually comes time to be supportive you have to be there for a person, not let me eat 4 pretzels :nono:knowing I shouldn't just because I'm having an unbelievable craving. I mean I'm incredibly happy that I began this journey to a better me, but I still can't say that if I would have known that he really felt this way and was just saying that he didn't just so we could stop and so he can stop seeming so unsupportive, that I would have not gone through with this. Does this make me a bad person, a bad wife? Am I pushing? Someone :help: I'm so I just want to scream :angry

:pout: what to do

:think Marcelle

[PhotoNut 7]

Aww.. Marcella, I know that many of us have the after surgery panic where we wonder what in the world we have done to ourselves. I would guess it's not surprising to see this happen with someone close to us as well. It sounds like he loves you very much and is just worried about you. Maybe you could try to calm his nerves by showing him more information about the band, if he's willing to listen.

As has been pointed out in many threads, weight loss is a huge emotional thing and not only for those who are trying to lose the weight, but also for those that love us. Fears of the change can be hard for any of us to deal with. Communicate with him, see his love and concern for you, try to calm his fears, and I'm sure you two will get past this together.

No, youre not a bad wife. *big hugs*

[Anwyn 0]

Marcelle, change is hard on any marriage. Your husband is scared that you're going to be a different person, and guess what? You are. You're not going to be his eating buddy, he'll have to worry about other guys hitting on you, and his self esteem could take a hit as a result. You're NOT a bad wife to want to be healthy. I suggest some counseling to bring out the issues you guys are facing. Weight loss surgery is a big adjustment for everyone in the family, but the positives (longer life, bigger sex drive, a hot wife to be proud of!) far outweigh the negatives.

[skinnymini 0]

Thanks PhotoNut. I wonder if my husband can be as great about this as your husband is. You guys are the sweetest couple.

[skinnymini 0]

Thanks Anwyn. He already has low self esteem as it is. Sometimes I wonder does he just hide himself behind me in the first place. I mean I know he loves me, but did he pursue me because he felt as though I was not out of his league. No... what am I talking about, I gave him hell when we first met. I didn't even like him. Now he has my undying love and he has me feeling like crap. Oh well... men you know what they say. :ohwell:

[Jachut 487]

It can affect others close to us. My mother got very funny when she realised I was going to have it done. When she finally decided to voice her concerns, it was all about family dinners. What are you going to eat now? Not that I live with her, she's talking about special occasions. I think she somehow felt they were here "thing" and now I was going to be immune to it. That they type of food they cooked wouldnt be appropriate for me and she'd have to change.

But it doesnt really work out like that. You wont be on liquids forever and you'll eat relatively normally again, just less. My DH decided to join me on the journey anyhow and has lost quite a bit of weight himself.

Hopefully yours will come around as you get back to normal.

[donali 57]

I think he'll come around in time. It is a huge change for others - not just for ourselves.

Try and make it a point to sit with him at the table while he eats and make conversation, just like the "old" days if it doesn't drive you too crazy. If it does, tell him this phase is TEMPORARY, and you'll be more like your oldself before he knows it.

You may want to write him a little love note about how his love has changed your life, and how much he means to you, if you think his self-esteem is low.

(((hugs)))

[vinesqueen 2]

Marcelle, you are just post op, and soon you will be physically fine. Not sure why he things you will be taking meds for the rest of your life.

You must have a real heart to heart about this, in a loving and non-confrontational way of course. Not only have you just gone through the first steps to a major lifestyle change, but you are forcing your husband to change too. Not bad, just is.

I think it's very interesting that he feels like he is losing his "eating partner." I'm not even sure what that means. But it's important to him, so that's important to you. It might be that the whole basis for the way you two relate to each other needs to change, must change. You might consider seeing a couple's councelor to help him with this.

This is important. You are important, but so is he. He just needs to understand that right now you are not as fragil as he thinks. After my DH was banded I wouldn't touch his port, no matter how many times he asked me to. I just couldn't touch it. It wasn't because I didn't love him, just that I couldn't touch that .... weird foreign object.

Give him time, give him love.

[gentlespirit 1]

What Vinesqueen said was wise (she usually is!)...this is a big change for him as well as for you, and we're all uncomfortable with change. He needs to know that this won't change how you feel about him...you'll just have more energy and will feel so much better. A counselor is a great idea, if he'll go with you.

Good luck in working through this together.

Emily

[cissy 0]

Marcelle, please just talk to your DH, let him know that you are still you. I sure hope he comes around. Like you, I'm a touchy feely kind of person. I thrive on hugs and kisses from the ones I love.

Right after I had my surgery my DH didn't want to touch me, but it was out of fear that he would hurt me. Finally after a couple of weeks I jumped him and said "I feel better now!" That's what got him back on track.

[skinnymini 0]

Marcelle, please just talk to your DH, let him know that you are still you. I sure hope he comes around. Like you, I'm a touchy feely kind of person. I thrive on hugs and kisses from the ones I love.

Right after I had my surgery my DH didn't want to touch me, but it was out of fear that he would hurt me. Finally after a couple of weeks I jumped him and said "I feel better now!" That's what got him back on track.

Ha ha ha... that's what I should do... wait a couple of weeks and jump him. Good Idea Cissy!!!!

[CCBSTX 0]

Marcele, the first month can be emotional for all. Everyone is trying to get used to the changes! Remember why you did the banding.

One thing that helps me, is remembering something I saw on a show..."How many 100 year old obese people do you know?" Well, from the ones I've seen, they are NOT obese. This gives me motivation.

Hugs. Shawn

[Marimaru 7]

My fiancee and I got into some large fights shortly after I was banded. And we never fight, so that was tough. Basically it all broke down to him feeling like I was going to lose all my weight and leave him. I spent a good long time reminding him how long we'd already been together, the things that I love about him, even things that drive me nuts about him so that he could see how truly small they are in the grand scheme of things. I also told him that with the way we'd been fighting lately that I was just as insecure that he'd pick up and move back to the town where all his family lives.

Somewhere in there we got it all figured out, though he still often asks me if I feel like I've 'settled' for him.