Friend Beening Very Negative

[down in the dumps 5]

Well girls here's an update!!!! Went away with friends the other night and at 2 in the morning with a few drinks on her my other friend (best friend since we're kids) started to scold me about how I went under an operation and have 2 kids and how could I not think of them!!! Also how at just under 14 stone I have lost enough and not to lose any more!

I said that I must have been a great topic of conversation for the 2 of my best friends to be going on about the same stuff and she confirmed that yes they've had many conversations about me, considering im their friend!!!

I told her that it's not as if I want to get down to 9 stone and even when I get down to 11 and half stone il be barely in my BMI range but will be very happy with that . Nothing seemed to make a difference!!!

Cos I had said already that il probably need another fill as I've losened out she said I'm becoming obsessed , I told her she doesn't understand the whole system of things, I've had 3 fills, had green zone but have losened out again, not by much but I get my fills free up till June and I want to make sure Im back in green zone before hand.

Anyway I eventually gave up and said I was going asleep, but not before I got in about how unsupportive they were towards me and their 'concern' was unwarranted as this has to be the most healthiest way I've ever lost weight.

I didn't say anything the next day but now I'm fumming!!!! Anyway I've decided that I'm never talking to either of them about my weight lose again, I can't take the negitivity. I have a family and other friends to talk to if needed. Anyway I hope none of you have to go through this, it's so horrible. X

[sam3841 57]

Way to go about standing up to them. It's your journey, you life and your health. Your right about not talking to them about your weight lost journey, there are other people to support you.

[JennK2008 12]

I lost a so called "friend" not long after I was banded. She decided to end our friendship, bottom line she was jealous of me. I had gotten married 9 months prior to my surgery and then when I started losing weight and was getting compliments that's when the problems began. She was no longer the center of attention as I was getting compliments everytime we had "girls night". People who hadn't seen me in a while would be in shock how much weight I had lost and some said they didn't even recognize me. It breaks my heart that someone who used to be so closed to me ended our frienship over something so petty.

I'm still friends with everyone else besides "her". The other girls still compliment me on my success and even one is going through the approval process. I say if someone is jealous of you for being a healthier you then to hell with them. I'm just glad I have a support team which consists of my husband, family and a great group of friends.

[down in the dumps 5]

Thanks for the replies girls. Yes I have alot of positive people around me and that's who I will concentrate on. Even speaking to my sister and she said, that none of the family were worried about me as they know I'm a person that will do what I say but that will be it. And I am like that, my so called friends also know this. I will get down to my goal weight but that will be it, I have no desire to be skinny, just healthy.

I will see my 'friend' tonight as we do Pilates together, I was dreading it but this morning I'm like' what are you worried about , you've done and said nothing wrong'. Either way they'll both never hear about my weight lose again! Thanks so much for all the replies, I pray it doesn't happen to you. Xxxx

[elcee 3,341]

One of my friends told me yesterday that some people were beginning to worry and talk about me because my legs are so skinny. WHAT THE. I am still a normal BMI, I eat far more than any other banded person I know and I still have a stomach.

I think people are just jealous.

Jealous that they didn't have the guts to get the surgery and also because so many people are obese there perceptions of normal are totally skewed.

If you still have fun with these people then next time they mention your weight tell them to butt out or pick on something about them that you know bugs them. Hopefully they get the hint.

If not then maybe you have outgrown these friends and need to move onto new ones that are not going to be so critical.

[down in the dumps 5]

Elcee, I actually think your right on people now realising what is healthy/ size etc as I got that as well from my friends . They think I've lost enough weight even though I'm 14-16 European size now. I'm still way in the obese section of the grid, but you see they've always seem me big and have never seen me this small even though I'm still big.

It's really weird that reality doesn't seem to hit home with them!!

[Dulci 108]

One of the reasons I gained my weight was because I was suffering from a major depression. I was working in a small office which consisted of only 3 people: one very fit and thin, and two of us obese. When my other obese co-worker began to get fit and lose the weight, I ignored her change.

It took me many years to realize that, in addition to being jealous, I felt threatened by her example. In retrospect, I now know that I was self-medicating my depression with food. I was relying on the comfort of food (and probably the seratonin boost) to get through the day.

Your friend may be experiencing similar issues. However, she needs to deal with her issues when she is ready. Don't allow to hold you back or to feel badly about yourself. If she isn't able (or willing) to support you, just accept that fact. You have made amazing progress!

[pugsx3 39]

About 6 years ago, I began one of my many weight loss journeys, and over the span of a couple of years managed to lose 140lbs. I was wearing a size 6, and I looked and felt wonderful. When I started, my best friend was over 400lbs, and was in worse shape than I was. I felt the difference immediately, so I tried to motivate and help her to do the same. We joined curves together, and I tried to coach her in the mental game of weight loss, but she would not listen to me. Anyway, I got to the point that curves was not enough - so I joined the gym by my house and she quit curves. I did group power classes three days a week, spin classes three days a week, and walked a couple of miles one day a week. I have never looked or felt better - but my "best" friend quit talking to me, and she would not say why. My husband talked to her husband, and found out it was because she blamed me for her not losing weight, because I "abandoned" her at curves. I tried and tried to get through to her - but finally had to give up.

After a couple of years, I had some health issues, and my dr. advised me to quit exercising as I was anemic and a cardiac risk. I had a couple of surgeries in the months that followed, and you can guess what happened. Within 6 months all the weight was back, and losing weight seemed hopeless and a waste of time because I wouldn't keep it off. When my "best" friend found out I was fat again, she began talking to me, and overnight became my "best" friend again.

Last year when I started looking into getting a lap band, I tried to bring her along on the journey with me. She is a diabetic, and nearly died from it a few years back (she was in intensive care for 5 days, and intermediate care for another 3 days). She wanted to wait and see what I went through before she'd commit. I struggled with her through the whole process, and she is even the one who brought me to my lap band surgery, and stayed with me a couple of days to help. That was September 2011. By the end of October, she was on the phone crying that she didn't want to lose me again. She told me that last time I lost the weight I abandoned her, and she said I was already leaving her again. I wanted to scream, but kept my cool and told her that I was doing this to be happy and healthy. I told her I remember how good it felt to be healthy and fit, and I wanted that for both of us. I told her I'd help her anyway I could, and that I wanted to help her get off insulin and get healthy too - but if she chose not to make any changes at all, it would not matter, she'd still be my best friend. I explained that I was doing this for myself, and it was not fair for her to hold me back just because she had different priorities and made different choices than I had. I told her I'd prefer to do this with her, though I was going to do it regardless. No surprise - it's been all downhill since then. When I do see her now, she's encouraging me to eat popcorn at the movie theater, go for ice cream after, and to order the most fattening thing on the menu and to eat it all, and still order dessert.

I'm thankful that I'm pretty strong willed and committed - because there are days where it takes everything I've got to keep going. I know first hand how hard it is - but thank god we've got each other on these boards!! It's the only place I can come to when I'm fighting myself!

[bev712 28]

Before we go through lap band surgery we undertake a pretty thorough self-examination of our thoughts, feelings and motivations for surgery. Our friends usually have not done this to the same extent, so perhaps we shouldn't be surprised by all the negativity they attempt to pile on us. It stems from their own screwed-up feelings - fear of abandonment, jealousy at our successes, and sometimes good-hearted but misplaced concern for our health. It's true, many of them no longer have any idea what a healthy body looks like. How many times in the past have we looked at someone obese and thought, well, I'm thinner than she is, so I must be fine! Denial is very powerful, and when you start to puncture holes in theirs, it can be very anxiety-provoking. Of course, that doesn't mean we have to cater to our friends' negativity to our own detriment. You are the one who now knows what's best for you, and that should be the end of the argument.

[sam3841 57]

My family is usually worse than my friends. My mom and my sister always say when are going to stop losing, you look so good now. I want to say my bmi has me just under the obese. My sister is worse than my mom, but it wasn't until recently that she looked it to having lapband. The only thing is I don't think she would be very good at the lapband, if she doesn't work on her depression first. I don't know how to tell her this without discouraging her. My surgeon never had me go to a therapist. What should I do?

[bev712 28]

Does your sister realize that she's depressed? If not, one meeting with the program psychologist and filling out the usual questionnaires would probably bring it to her attention. I would think the program psychologist would want to work with her before clearing her for surgery. That might mean a number of visits or a referral to a psychiatrist for medication. On the other hand, she might be cleared for surgery as long as she commits to continuing counseling. Moral of the story: she should go to a program with a good psychologist.

[sam3841 57]

She's gone to psychologist before but quits after a couple sessions because they say something about her she doesn't want to hear. She just went for her consultation today and found out she'll have to through the 6 month exercise and diet regime before her insurance will approve but she is losing her coverage in April. When I asked her what she was going to do she said say fat forever. I ask her to go to the gym with me but she said no, I think it ksonely going to get worse from her with her jealousy. I was a self pay so I don't understand why she can't too.

[bev712 28]

It sounds to me like you and your sister aren't close at all, if you think she'd be comfortable going to a public gym and don't know why she can't self pay. Maybe distance works best for you two.

[sam3841 57]

My sister and I have never had a good relationship which is why I am having such a hard time helping her. I told her about the lapband but I told her the importance of working out, so I bought a bunch of dvds which I can't get her to do with me and I can't get her go on a walk with my mom and I. I also told her she should see a therapist to help her with her depression and food issues, but she won't. I don't what else I could do to help her. I worked really hard to pay for the lapband while still being a full time student (making my last payment this month). She is really jealous of everything I have done, but won't even make a first step. If you have any ideas on how I can help, I would really appreciate it soooooo much cause I am out of ideas.

[bev712 28]

I think the best thing you can do now is to accept the fact that you CAN'T help your sister. You need to concentrate on the great new life you can have now and give up trying to get her to do what you want her to. This may sound harsh, but it's not. It's the best thing you can do for YOU. We try our best to help other people and get them to do what we want, but ultimately our control over others ends about a millimeter past our fingertips. All changes in behavior come from inside the other person. She has to make up her own mind what to do about herself. All you can ask of her now is to please not say anything discouraging to you, and if she refuses, you'll have to change the subject immediately or avoid her. Sad but true.