Divorce

[loopylou 0]

Ok so I am getting divorced. I am leaving my husband of 2 years (we have been together 6) and I need some advice. I love my husband but I dont want to be married to him anymore; I probably shouldn't have married him in the first place but I was very depressed and so wanted to feel loved. I am trying my hardest to help him through this - because he really has no friends or family he can talk to - but I dont know what to say, how to make it easier for him. I would love for him to be able to see that we love eachother but more as brother and sister not like lovers, and that we can still be friends and care for eachother even though we are not together. Should I just back off and let him deal with it (which is hard 'cause we are still in the same house for the next month and he keeps asking me to stay :cry ), should I simply stick to my guns and keep quietly refusing to stay, or should I pour my heart out to him and tell him everything - hurtful or not - about what I want and why I dont want him? So far I have done a bit of all of these - but I think I am just confusing him. I would love it if we could have a 'divorce' ceremony and even a honeymoon - 'a farewall, I love you and wish you all that is good in the world' - kinda thing, like a wake. But I think thats probably expecting way too much from him. How can I help him through? I am not just doing this out of love (I wish I was) there are certainly elements of wanting to ease my own guilt, so perhaps the kindest thing I could do is nothing.

Oh, and if I hear that "goodbye my lover" song again I think I will cry myself to death!!

[porclndoll 0]

Awe Lou, Im sorry for your pain. I am going thru a divorce/seperation blah blah blah situation where he wants to get back together and I dont. I just gotta stand my ground and keep telling him that we will always be friends and I do love him, I just can't be married to him any more. I have thought of the one more time, or the sweet good bye and thats just not fair to either one of us....not in my opinion its not......I would much rather just stick to my guns and be has firm as you can be, but you can do that and stay sympothetic to his feelings. You dont need to be mean, but just be stern...this is what I want, this is why I want it and Im sorry if that hurts you because I do love you and care for you.....

Just my two cents...I hope everything works out for you two~

[loopylou 0]

Thanks guys - its is difficult staying in the same house but it wont be for long. Hubby seems happy enough to have me around, but it will be a relief to get out - unfortunately there isn't much choice. The only hotels here are about $1000 a week and I just cant afford that - and I cant rent a place because it would only be for a few weeks 'til I can move back to Sydney to stay with my parents - I would have left sooner but I am hoping to get a transfer with work and didn't want to risk that by dipping out on them too soon.

[Kryssa 1]

My ex did the "I'm leaving you but I won't be moving out for a month" thing too. There is no way to help him or make it easier. If he doesn't want to get divorced then he is probably hoping for reconciliation during this time. Until you are GONE, there will be no healing of his pain. Be his friend, be very kind, but don't waver. Make sure he knows you won't reconsider. And once you are gone, don't expect him to be happy about it. If you handle it gracefully and kindly you might keep him as a friend. If (WHEN) he gets mad as part of his healing process, accept it no matter how late in the game it happens. "It's going to be OK" should be the words you keep saying over and over, to him and yourself.

I know I ramble and wander, I hope this is coherant.

[Mita 2]

I hear you I was in the same situation where my husband moved to my childs room and that was hard on us. He then moved out this past weekend. Although I really belive if your Mate is not abusive verbal or physical and is a good provider does it not warrent trying to see where you all fell out of Love?

PhotoNut hit the nail on the head in her post about disrespect in my case. My husband was always taking our quarrels or spats to his family - they in turn were all bad mouthing me and now that everyone knows my business it is very hard for me to want to deal with him. I would just rather we seperated / Divorced than put up with the drama of the backstabbing. We are living apart - I with the kids and him with his Mom. I wanted the space for him to get a grip on th situation and decide what he really wants to do. I Love my husband but not a Love that I would walk to the ends of the earth for him.

There is really no words to say to him:( (your husband) that would help the situation only time.

[loopylou 0]

Thanks Kryssa , thats exactly the kind of input I am looking for. I have been very careful not to waver and although he did go through an angry stage I think it was only the tip of it, but he knows that I am leaving, I haven't ever given him false hope on that. And Bubbame, I must say I did wonder about that - am I the most selfish person in the world for leaving a 'good man'. And the truth is ....'yeah may be, I dont know' but I dont want to settle... Should I hang around just because I have no real excuse to leave though? I guess I figure that if I stay around I will simply get more and more resentful and start taking it out on him, and I guess the fear is deciding to stay, having kids (we dont have any atm) and then resentment and unhappiness causing us to be cruel to eachother and then wanted to leave. I guess I think its better this way, especially since I know that I dont want to be here, even if he is a 'good guy'. Does that make any sense?

[Desi80 1]

I would really recommend the book "the divorce remedy) It saved my marriage. Even though its about saving marriages, there is alot of good info about making the break easier.

[Mita 2]

You are by no means selfish for wanting more out of a relationship. And all the better for you since you do not have kids. I hope that everything works out for the both of you:)

Hindsight I should have done the same thing. But now that I have kids..

[Feel2Young2B40 0]

OMG! I thought I wrote this and didn't remember doing so! I'm going through the beginning stages of what you're going through LouLou.

I feel like a sister/mother to my husband and not at all like I think it should be. We got married after I got pregnant with our son after being together for a couple of years. He's a great guy - caring, supportive, likes to cook (making me dinner now..) a little lazy but it could be worse. The problem is I don't feel the passion I used to. It's comfortable. Is comfortable bad? I don't know. We just celebrated out 14th wedding anniversary and I feel like when I married him it was just the thing to do. I love him but not like a husband. I've often thought about divorce but then I start thinking - it could be worse. Sometimes knowing the "evil" is better than the unknown. Then I start thinking am I doing myself a deservice(sp?) by just settling? Then I start thinking am I just bored? Or is it me? It is my opinion of myself and I'm not letting myself get close to him. He's never hurt me (physically or mentally) pissed me off yes but never abusive so I don't know why I can't get close.

Anyway, I just wanted you to know there are other people out there who feel like you do and I congratulate you on your courage to go through with this. Good luck and take care! Laura

[gadgetlady 4]

OK, I held off for a long time responding to this thread, but I really felt led to say something. Marriage is not about *finding* the right person, it is about *being* the right person. If all that's wrong in your marriage is that you don't have "passion" or "a spark", spend some time trying to get/find it. Communicate with your spouse about what the problem is. Don't just assume it's not fixable, but work with the person you love to try to fix it. Go to a retreat, see a counselor, date your spouse, try to find the spark that was there when you first married. Love is a committment, a decision -- not a feeling.

Divorce is a horrible, painful thing. It may feel "right" right now but it will make a dent in your emotions, your psyche, somewhere down the road. It will also affect future relationships you have. Loopylou (and Laura -- and the others who posted "in the same boat"), please take the time to repair what you've committed to. I guarantee you it is not irreparable. I'm not *in* your marriage, so I can't speak to specifics, but I have seen couples on the verge of divorce rediscover each other and reignite the passion. Marriage shouldn't end because someone is bored.

I'm sorry if I hurt some feelings here, but I feel very strongly about this subject.

[piperbaby 0]

Laura I could have written your post. And it seems the more weight I lose( not that ive lost much) the more he wants to get closer to me. Right now I am just not feeling it.

[DevilMayKare 1]

Divorce is a horrible, painful thing. It may feel "right" right now but it will make a dent in your emotions, your psyche, somewhere down the road.

So will wasting decades of your life in a marriage that is sapping the life out of you. IMO it's much better to escape before you have children. I was married 17 years & should have left at 10.

I'm sorry if I hurt some feelings here, but I feel very strongly about this subject.

I think it's safe to say that everyone has strong feelings on the subject.

Loopy, there are many ways to go on this path. NO ONE can tell you what is the "right" thing for you to do here. We can be here to offer support and many shoulders to cry on. Many of us have been thru it and survived. You can too.

[gadgetlady 4]

So will wasting decades of your life in a marriage that is sapping the life out of you. IMO it's much better to escape before you have children. I was married 17 years & should have left at 10.

I think your situation may have been a little different, Kare. Loopylou isn't saying her husband was emotionally abusive. In fact, she seems to be saying just the opposite -- that he's a great guy and they've just lost the lover's spark. I'm sure there's a lot going on that none of us are aware of, so I was just speaking to what she indicated was the problem -- she's "fallen out of love" with him. That's very different from "he's an insensitive jerk" or "he beats me" or "he had an affair." Love is an emotion that comes and goes and can be nurtured with effort. I was simply saying that sometimes in situations such as these, couples can "get that lovin' feeling" back again.

[loopylou 0]

Thanks guys - I so appreciate your comments.

Elisa, thanks for your thoughts too. You are right in that my husband is mostly a good guy, however we have indeed been to counselling together and he has been unable to let go of his need to parent me. But I dont really wish to justify my decision though, as it is mine to make. I think too that I am opposed to the idea that their must be something pathologically wrong with a marriage (which it could be argued that there is here) to leave it.

And yet I also do feel sometimes like "I have made a commitment and should do everything I possibly can to make it work", but the trouble is I dont want it to work... I realised that even if our marriage was functioning beautifully I wouldn't want to be here - my hubby wants different things from his life than I do and seems incapable of compromising.

So although I respect your belief in 'sticking it out through the rough times,' I am choosing not to do that. I made a mistake when I married him and I am not going to indulge that mistake anymore, you may say "you made you bed, you must lie in it", to which I say "no honey I don't have to at all - if you can, without being resentful and miserable, then you are a better woman than me, but I am not wasting one more minute in a marriage that makes me feel trapped."

To me life is simply just too precious and short to waste trying to fit a square peg in a round hole or feeling (too) bad that it wont go. But we must all do as our hearts dictate; for some that is to fight to make what they have right and for others its to admit a mistake, and cut their losses.

I made a promise I couldn't keep, I am saddened by that, but I find that it is over-ridden by a promise I made to the universe and myself, to be true to my heart. I dont expect everyone to agree with my decision but I hope you will agree that it is mine to make.

Warmly, L

[gadgetlady 4]

I dont expect everyone to agree with my decision but I hope you will agree that it is mine to make.

I absolutely do agree that it is your decision to make, loopylou. I would never presume to know more about your marriage or your life than you. I appreciate that you did not take my words and make them into an argument, as has often happened recently on this board. My only goal was to encourage you (and others) to exhaust all options before venturing down a path that may seem right "in the moment" but may turn out to be more painful than originally imagined. For many, what seems right in the moment turns out to be right forever, and I understand that.