I am so f'in pissed

[DevilMayKare 1]

He didn't even make coffee for me that morning like he usually does. He knew full well that it meant a lot to me. Oh well, some people are just insensitive jerks.

Well, that does not sound like insensitivity or "without a clue" behavior (often seen in both sexes) but like pure PASSIVE AGGRESSION. It's really a tough one to put your finger on or call someone on, but it IS real and for whatever reasons (resentment?) he DID want to hurt you.

I was married to an extreme Passive Aggressive personality for 17 years and it wasn't until I left him that I finally understood the aggressive portion of that. I have no real advice for you. Just want to tell you that you are not out of your mind, and you are not imagining things. A psychologist told me it is without a doubt the most difficult type of personality to deal with. It really helped me with the GUILT I felt getting a divorce to know it wasn't so much that I was a failure as that I had signed up for an impossible task.

There are some things communication can overcome and there are times to cut your losses. No matter how longing and lonely I may be at times I have NEVER been as lonely alone as I was in that marriage.

[PhotoNut 7]

It's really a tough one to put your finger on or call someone on, but it IS real and for whatever reasons (resentment?) he DID want to hurt you.

I was married to an extreme Passive Aggressive personality for 17 years and it wasn't until I left him that I finally understood the aggressive portion of that. I have no real advice for you.

Kare.. honey, I literally gasped when I read this. He DID want to hurt her? How can you say that to this woman? You don't know what goes on behind the scenes in their world. Just because you were married to someone who displayed similar behavior does not provide the proof you need to proclaim her husband a pyschological abuser. Please be careful tossing out such things.

Everyone - This thread has really been on my mind and on my heart. I know from two failed marriages how damaging it can be to take your frustrations out of the home to bad mouth your spouse to others. And I am certainly not talking about serious abuse now. I'm talking about everyday quarrels and things which irritate us about our spouses.

First of all, wives, this is betrayal. How would you feel if you found out your mate was calling you a bitch behind your back? Would this be someone you would choose to trust with your love beyond that point?

And secondly, when we pick up anger on someone else's behalf, we do not have the same love and compassion for the "offender" as their spouse does so we have no foundation for forgiveness. It simply breeds bitterness inside of us. So while, you might have forgiven your spouse, your friends will most likely hold a grudge and be quick to point out your spouses faults to you in the future.

It amazes me that women can get in a group like this and call men assholes, jerks, etc. If there had been a thread like this started by one of the men here, in which the other men joined in with comments like "Why are all women bitches?" or even talking bad about their wives behind their backs on this public board.. would we have said, "Oh poor guy, just needs to vent."? Not likely. We would have thought about his poor wife at home who is clueless to the way her man treats her behind her back.

So please, give your husbands the same consideration, love and respect that all of you clearly demand. You will not help your marriage by finding others who are willing to throw stones at your spouse. You might, however, make huge steps in making things better by sharing your feelings with them. Give them a chance. They just might surprise you.

[Toledogirl 0]

I can see letting the gift thing go, but not seeing what was going on with dinner and you making an effort is just rude!!

I'd have kicked my husband square in his ass and told him to sit down at the dinner table!

[dawg 0]

I can see letting the gift thing go, but not seeing what was going on with dinner and you making an effort is just rude!!

I'd have kicked my husband square in his ass and told him to sit down at the dinner table!

Or alternately, you could forget that some date on the calendar says Feb 14th, 2006. Wandered over and sat down with him on the couch and tried to find out what the hell was the matter.

"We were given two ears and only one mouth, we should listen twice as much as we shout".

[FunnyDuddies 6]

Ok, there is waaaay too much over thinking here. Here are the solid facts...

My husband still has 180 of the 200 bucks. He just didn't get anything. I made it very clear the money was for a gift. We even joked about it...and then he asked me what I wanted. I told him a pair of earrings. This was 3 days before V-day.

And what is he depressed about?? That the project he finished at work is over, and all he has had to do for the last 2 days is to develope his own program to make the desktop picture change to a different picture every 10 minutes. And the fact that the last two weeks he has lost 20 pounds my just reducing his caloric intake, but has plateaued for the last 3 days. These are his seriously bad depressing issues. Not a friend dying, or work being too hard.

I'm sorry, but Valentines day is a big day for us. It is an anniversary of sorts. The day we moved in together for the first time was valentines day, and we have always done something. This year he just became a huge prick. Nothing to me at all, and he finished off his evening by looking at porn for 2 hours.

I asked him what was the deal today, and he said that he was selfish, and that he thought it wouldn't be a big deal. I told him he was wrong, and he said I could take the cash and go buy some earrings. That isn't what I want!! I want him to go out of his way to do something. Like I did. Not just have it be like every other day. Esp when it is Freakin obvious that I did a lot for him.

[terri b 0]

I feel very lucky. I had a great Valentines day. I also cleared off the dining room table, but we never used it for dinner--------we got to busy enjoying each other. Of course the bottle of wine was very good beginning. I woke up this morning hungry as all get out, so I had warmed up the salmon and made eggs.< /p>

[DevilMayKare 1]

Kare.. honey, I literally gasped when I read this. He DID want to hurt her? How can you say that to this woman?

How can I say that Susan? Because I believe it. You don't know how much I WISH someone had said it to me early on. It is OF COURSE just my opinion. (Do we really have to go thru all those disclaimers again?)

No, I don't know what goes on in her relationship, but I have enough experience with that particular dynamic to recognize it when I see it.

And could I be wrong? Without a doubt, but that behavior sure as heck warrants a serious discussion. The problem w/ PA behavior is the person being subjected to it so often thinks THEY are IMAGINING things. It's really hard to stand up to something so aggressively hidden.

I am sorry but if someone doesn't even make you coffee (when they usually do) on your 50th birthday they are sending a message loud and clear. Words are often just a bunch of talk over what is truly being communicated.

Gasp away. I'm entitled to my opinion as much as the next person. I did NOT say it to hurt her--I said it to EMPOWER her!

[kimalicious 5]

Amy, you have every right to be selfish in what you want on whatever day it is. If you are putting in effort and he is not then that is hurtful and unless he is ignorant he knows this. You gotta tell him how this made you feel and if he doesn't respond redeemingly ask him why.

We have every right to vent anything we want on these boards. Hello, its called a message board. Most of us come here because we want to be confidential and some of us may not have friends we can confide in about these things so we come here! Since this board is majority of women then there will be man bashing at some times and if you don't want to listen don't read it!

[NeenBand 7]

Oh my gosh!

I have come late to this thread and so excuse me if this has been asked and answered, but WHERE WAS HE FOR TWO HOURS??!!

I find his behavior inexcusable.

I had something very similar happen to me with my ex husband. Things like this are part of the reason he is an ex, it didn't get better.

One Valentine's Day I planned for months. I made him leave the house with a mysterious note to be back at 4. I cleaned the house and transformed it. I had a canopy of white mesh ordered and made the bedroom into an arabian nights look, with candles and rose petals. When he came home, I was dressed in a vinatge 1940's satin dressing gown and had him get into a scented tub I had drawn for him, with a chiller of champagne on the side and candles all around. Then he got into a tux I purchased for him.

I turned the walk up attic into a french bistro with candles going up to it , a menu of the special dinner of steak and lobster I cooked at the bottom of the stairs written in parchment. The attic was full of candle light and old music played on a victrola.

AFter dinner I had special lingerie I purchased for this occaision and he saw the transformed bedroom.

I did not receive a gift, nor did he ever reciprocate in the years ahead anything remotely special like this for me.

[txkrause 0]

Gosh, if I were a guy - I'de stay out of this male bashing thread.

The best response in here was the one referring to "communication". How many times have we been 'mad' because we wanted our man to do something particular - and yet, this was an unspoken expectation?!!

Men and women are not mind readers. Don't you think we set ourselves up to expect certain things, and then when our partner doesn't serve this need, we are horribly disapppointed? Some people (not just men) need to be told "Here's $200, you know V-day is coming up right?" or "Honey, you've been gone for 2-hours, where have you been?" or "I am so disappointed that you haven't caught on to my signals that I wanted this to be a special day?"

Sure, it would be nice to think "he should know". But not all do.

I am very blessed to have a husband who is kind and considerate, although he doesn't always "get it" (in reference to reading my mind). I've found after telling him once or twice over twenty years, that he doesn't mess up very much! Communication. It is key.

p.s. I hate to say that my first thought was that this husband, who was so inconsiderate and gone for 2 hours, was not only depressed, but possibly not loyal. It was my first impression.

[I'llsucceed 1]

I would be Furious!!! I mean - I don't care what kinda day he may have had or not- Why can't people stop thinking baout themselves & start thinking about others!! I am so sorry your day sucked. I totally feel for you. What a jerk!

If he did apologize( I didn't read through all the posts just your first one) Well I hope it was a good one & that he totally made up for it (x)1000!!

[NeenBand 7]

I totally agree with you. Fortunetly for me, I spoke to him of it and it just came to reason that he was a selfish jerk and was not going to change. After 10 years of that I was like " let the door hit you on the ass on the way out". I find selfish people only get more so as they age, if they don't want to change.

The final straw was 3 years ago when I needed 2 stamps and he wanted me to give him the money for it. His wife. (I am on disability and he made $90k a year.) I realized not only was he not going to be the man I needed, but that he was getting worse.

p.s. I hate to say that my first thought was that this husband, who was so inconsiderate and gone for 2 hours, was not only depressed, but possibly not loyal. It was my first impression.

I thought the same thing.

[NJGirl 0]

February 14 is just a date....I actually forbid my husband from buying roses on that day...$80 can buy a pair of shoes. He has 364 other days to choose from. Make your own romance...don't let the calendar dictate it!

[FunnyDuddies 6]

p.s. I hate to say that my first thought was that this husband, who was so inconsiderate and gone for 2 hours, was not only depressed, but possibly not loyal. It was my first impression.

Totally NOT an issue here. This is just a case of him being uncharacteristicly selfish, and nothing more. He just picked the wrong date, the wrong time of the month, and the wrong time in our lives to pull such a stunt.

We had it out last night. I confronted him about it all, he tried sleeping on the couch, I dragged his ass back into the bedroom and we fought. Here is the outcome.

When we first got together he was a VERY affectionate and passionate man. He still is to a point, but not so much anymore. But Valentines day he was always his old self. Didn't need to get me anything, his tight hand holds, and stolen kisses, and winks from across the room were everything. Because we sometimes did stuff...sometimes didn't...left him with the impression that valentines wasn't so important. This was news to me, but it is how he feels. And looking back there are some valentines days we didnothing. But his actions and affection always made it special.

This year I didn't get the special affection. And it broke my heart. In my fighting with him I realized that it wasn't anger over not getting earrings. It was anger over not getting the "i love you"s andthe hand holds and the winks. I didn't get that puppy love that I miss so much.

There is no question that my husband loves me. Rob is one of the most loyal, kind, loving, men you could meet. Yeah, he doesn't outwardly show it with hugd and kisses as much as he used to...but he does show it in other ways. Postponing buying a car he has wanted for the last 11 years to take the money and give it to me for my surgery. Taking off from a meeting where he is getting an award to have lunch with me before my job interview so that I am not jittery. Loving his children unconditionally and working hard to spend every moment he can with them. The suggestion that he was possibly unfaithful is laughable. And it is scary that fidelity is so ruined in this day and age that this would be the first conclusion people might jump to.

His being gone for two hours?? I asked about this. He went to a special wine store that is about 30 minutes away normally so that he could get a nice bottle of wine for dinner. And we live in Tampa, so during rush hour traffic...2 hours is actually a good time. I don't think it was the smartest move, but it was not a cheat or him being an ass in any way.

He has apologized, and we have made up. The great thing about us...we are comfortable enough that we can yell and fight, I can call him an ass for not professing his undying love for me on v-day, and we can make up quickly and be better for it all. This weekend he is making up for it. The pitching staff for the braves report today for their first bit of spring training. He is taking me and the kids to disney's wide world of sports to watch a pitching workout. I am very excited!!

All of you who posted...Thank you. I am surprised at the severity of some of the posts, and some of the suggestions that were offered. LOL But everyone has their own relationship. I appreciate the help, and the hugs offered, and the strength I get from all of you. This was just a situation of my dh being a jerk on one day, and me venting about it. Granted, it was a big day, and a big deal, but there is no worries for anyone to think that this is a regular occurence. Like I said...I married a GREAT GUY. Just not sure why he became an ass for a day.

[Mvpo8961 1]

FD congrats on the makeup and the great guy. Minor bump that won't be important in the greater scheme of life. M