Lap-band A Factor In Divorce?

[aprilalison 5]

I'd heard prior to having surgery that Lap-Banders have a higher rate of divorce than normal. The person losing weight becomes more confident and strong and able to make choices they'd been afraid to in their "prior" life. I was prepared for that and was not worried because I was totally in love with my husband (and truthfully still am). I've lost over 100 lbs in the last year and a half, during which my husband had his first and only severe bout of depression. I've tried to be understanding, loving, non-judgmental, encouraging, etc. I tried to be there every time he needed me and backed off when he didn't. I talked him down many times when he didn't see any point in moving on.

He started volunteering working with animals to begin his bridge back to working (has been out of work for nearly 2 years). His lack of employment has been due to his emotional state, not due to lack of skill or opportunity. I've never once shown disapproval or asked anything of him, except to make the effort to get better. I've held his hand through drug abuse, self-medication with alcohol, public embarassment and more. I've never waivered in my support or unconditional love of him. He said recently, I was "an ideal wife". He says that I did everything a husband could ask for and more. So, imagine my confusion when I found out that my 42-year-old heavy and bald husband was not just sleeping with a college-aged girl, but exchanging "I love yous" with each other. I'm 35. He squashed any chances of us trying to work things out by faking "break ups" with her and resorting to name-calling and alcohol-induced rants where he displayed his inability for fidelity. I've never once, through this whole devastating process, raised my voice much less yelled at him or called him names.

Someone explained that the non-Lap-Banded partner can feel insecure in their relationship and turn elsewhere for attention to validate their insecurity. I tried to be cognizant of this by telling him daily something I found attractive about him. I made sure that I let him know that he was often on my mind. I often made sacrifices for us financially (sewing my clothes instead of getting new ones as I lost weight, clipping coupons, etc) so he could have his comfort items - pipe tobacco, Gummy bears and the like. So, I have to wonder, if I'd never had a Lap-Band, if I'd never lost the weight, would he have remained faithful? Was my losing weight the catalyst that drove him into the arms of another? I know he regrets his decisions and wishes he could take them back, but I also know he's not willing (or unable) to change that behavior and I won't continue to allow myself to live in a situation where I'm reminded daily of his girlfriend. He has many faults, as do I, and I have loved him just as much with those faults as I would have were he "perfect". I wish I could get to the point where I'm angry, but my heart is struggling to let go and move on.

I feel like, while I look much better having lost weight, it's mostly with clothes ON. Clothes off in front of a long mirror serves as a reminder as to how I abused my body with inappropriate eating habits for so long. How can one expect to find another person who is willing to look past the skin that looks melted and saggy?

Has anyone else experienced this situation and if so, how did you get through it? Sometimes I feel as though I'm at a breaking point and that my future looks pretty bleak. Thanks for any advice. And I know God is watching over me and he'll see me through, give me strength, etc.(my mother reminds me daily), but sometimes when it's quiet, I hear nothing and the silence is unbearable.

[Entropy 0]

The guy is a cad. Fat, thin, saggy or firm it doesn't matter. You should ditch him.

You're gorgeous and you seem very sweet so you shouldn't be dealing with someone who won't treat you well.

Good luck.

[cantbetoothinortoorich 20]

First let me congratulate you on your weight loss....now it is time to get rid of the rest of your ugly useless weight...namely your husband. Clearly he is not adding any value to your life, prefers to keep you controlled and in a box and worst of all, is unfaithful. Lose the weight, lose him and find someone who really cares for you.....

[Jim1967 3,569]

My Wife tells me I sometimes see things in black and white. One of them namely is cheating. Once a cheat, always a cheat. If your husband truly loved you then the weight would not matter. Love is more then just physical attraction so clearly there is something more going on with him. His insecurity issues is not a free pass to get away with whatever he wants.

Try your best to move on. You've clearly spent a great deal of effort to lose the weight so why waste your new found life on a loser. Your a beautiful looking woman and time heals eventually but you first have to cut the cord in order to let the healing begin.

Good luck to you. :-)

[DE121911 10]

I think you would be better off without having to deal with the BS everyday. Your beautiful, move on...

[LB4Me 35]

April -

My heart goes out to you. I think many more people on here than are willing to admit, find that the changes they are making in their life, not only the weight loss, but the changes in eating habits, drinking, going out, etc are changing their personal relationships as well. I worry about the changes happening to me and whether my marriage will be able to survive it. My husband is also out of work and suffers from depression.

But I know, that nothing, not even my husband, should keep me from being the best me I can be. And at over 100 pounds overweight, I am not the best I can be.

Hang in there. Do what is best for you. And the rest will work itself out. As to the saggy skin, once you no longer have to support the bum (and his extra cirucular activity) you'll have some extra money for a little tuck here and there!

All the best!

[cheryl2586 3,053]

He was cheating well before you ever had surgery you can believe that. He didnt just do when you had surgery he's been doing it all along and the best thing you can do for yourself is get away from him and do better for your self. You deserve it.

[Allison0927 329]

WOW i feel bad for you - that is a horrible story. I'm with the poster who said you will save money from having to support him and can save up for the plastic surgery IF that is what you want to do. When i met my husband he had just lost over 100 pounds and worked out every day (worked as a fitness trainer in a health club). He had some areas of "sag" in his stomach - but i still thought he was gorgeous. I know you will find someone out there that can look past the skin and see the beautiful you - inside and out. Best of luck to you as you heal from this.

[aprilalison 5]

Thanks to all of you for the kindness you've shown me. I appreciate all of you so very much.

[icestorm12132008 39]

My thoughts are with you as I read your post, and shame on him for treating you that way.

When you decided to have WLS you took a huge step in sticking up for yourself and putting yourself first for a change. If you spouse will not suport you in your continued jouney to health and happiness then he needs to be told to go. You worked to hard to be put down by a low life slimeball who disrespects your viows by cheating.

Confide in a close girlfriend and maybe ask them to "hold your hand" as you find a lawyer, or if lawyers fees are not in your budget your local Legal aid office should be able to help you. I know loosing the weight was a journey and at times hard, but you did it and you should be proud of your accomplishment. The divorce is another journey. (I got divorced at 21, cheating spouse). This process of divorce is probally going to hurt but out of the hurt you will become a smarter, happier, more confident womman. I wish you the best of luck and keep posting if you want to talk. You can also go on to WWW.DIVORCESOURCE.COM. their website has a message board and several articles pertaining to the country's various divorce laws divided by state.

There will be better days haead.

icestorm12132008

[Meduseld 29]

I'm definitely not a relationship expert an I'm only 18, but I definitely think I have some good advice.

A man, especially your husband, should love, support, and care for you whether or not you are fat, thin, cranky, happy, or upset. A real man in love loves you even in the times that it's not ideal for him. I'm a college aged girl, and I can NEVER imagine myself sleeping with a man your age. I'm just assuming that he's your age. There is definitely something sick going on there, and his "insecurities" are absolutely no excuse for his behavior. Faking break ups should be the last straw.

In the end, it's about your happiness. I know you are insecure about the saggy skin, but a man that truly loves you will not care. Your husband does not love you, or at least doesn't show it. My mother lost over 200 pounds with a gastric sleeve and is worried that a man will never find her attractive because of her skin. But like I said, a man that loves you won't give a crap. The job of a husband and wife are to make each other better. That's what you vow to do. Your husband is not making you better and is only making you unhappy. I personally think that there is more to this than "insecurities". He's a flat out cheater, and I think you are giving him too much credit. It would be one thing if he ended the relationship and was remorseful, but the fake break ups etc. are only showing that he does not care. He is just going to get better at hiding it, and even if he breaks up with this one, he is going to find another.

In lay man's terms, dump him. I know it will be devastating, but he is doing absolutely nothing for you. There is no amount of insecurities that would constitute his behavior. You are a damn good wife, and you deserve a damn good husband, which he is not. By sitting around, you are just permitting this continutal cheating behavior. He may seem remorseful, but he was good enough at hiding this relationship for a while, I think he can be good enough at faking remorse. If he was remorseful, he would have ended that relationship, which he has not.

Please, for your own health, you need to dump him. I know it's your husband and you love him, but he obviously is not treating you with the respect you deserve. You deserve someone so much better who will love you enough not to lie to you.

I honestly wish you the best of luck. Seriously, I do not envy your situation. But honestly, it comes down to what's better for you, yourself, and he is not the best thing for you.

Elizabeth

[cantbetoothinortoorich 20]

from the mouths of babes...Amen Elizabeth

[oldiebutgoodie2 11]

Elizabeth, you are an amazing, insightful young lady! And April, I hope you are hearing everyone here and also seek counseling. It sounds like at least starting out with an enabler group would be helpful, and it's free! Good luck to you. Life is so short. You are so accomplished in your weight loss. Now it's time to start a more fulfilling and happy life. Best of luck to you.