Marriage vs Lap Band

[batiircabur 25]

Hello Everyone,

I am in my 4th month of the required 6 month PCP visit. I've done the psych evaluation and start my surgeons program this December. My husband recently started changing things, such as wanting to get rid of some of his hobbies, things he's collected for so long. He bought a guitar and today he was talking about getting a motorcycle. This is not the person I married. He has been distant, not really wanting to do much, and when confronted he said "I'm changing because your going to leave me when you lose all the weight." I have tried and tried to explain to him all the pros this decision will be for the BOTH of us (we talked extensively before my decision and he was 100% supportive). Nothing is working. He is utterly terrified that when i lose the weight I will hunt down another man and leave him. I have never, and he agrees, given him a sliver of a worry that I would ever leave him or want to for that matter. I'm doing this to better my life, not change who I am. I understand how he feels because we both know people that left their spouse's after a significant weight loss, but both instances was because there was no support, motivation, or understanding on either part. We have all these....I even brought up marriage counseling for the both of us but he's in such a funk he really is zoned out.

Does anyone have any similar instances with your spouse after/before/during being banded and could give me some advice? I'm really at a loss, and I HAVE to keep going forward with this. But should my marriage be on thin ice for it?

[Cindy C 150]

Your husband needs to realize that at 5'3" and 340 pounds with a BMI of 60, he's probably gonna lose you if you DON'T do something about it! I would push the marriage counseling issue.

[Dream4tc 192]

Hello Everyone,

I am in my 4th month of the required 6 month PCP visit. I've done the psych evaluation and start my surgeons program this December. My husband recently started changing things, such as wanting to get rid of some of his hobbies, things he's collected for so long. He bought a guitar and today he was talking about getting a motorcycle. This is not the person I married. He has been distant, not really wanting to do much, and when confronted he said "I'm changing because your going to leave me when you lose all the weight." I have tried and tried to explain to him all the pros this decision will be for the BOTH of us (we talked extensively before my decision and he was 100% supportive). Nothing is working. He is utterly terrified that when i lose the weight I will hunt down another man and leave him. I have never, and he agrees, given him a sliver of a worry that I would ever leave him or want to for that matter. I'm doing this to better my life, not change who I am. I understand how he feels because we both know people that left their spouse's after a significant weight loss, but both instances was because there was no support, motivation, or understanding on either part. We have all these....I even brought up marriage counseling for the both of us but he's in such a funk he really is zoned out.

Does anyone have any similar instances with your spouse after/before/during being banded and could give me some advice? I'm really at a loss, and I HAVE to keep going forward with this. But should my marriage be on thin ice for it?

My wonderful husband of 7 years recently voiced his concern and insecurity to me. He told me he was worried that when I lost all of my weight that I would leave him and find someone else. I reassured him that I love him with all of my heart and I am and have been happily married to him for 7 years and nothing is going to change except that things would get even better. I told him that this was about me and the desire to grow old with him still holding hands like we do now. I am reassuring him every day and constantly keeping the communication open and extra affection given. I think if the marriage is not going so well before the band, then it probably still won't go well after the band, and if the marriage is great before the band, then it will just get even greater! I wrote down a list of things that many people take for granted and shared with him such as being able to be confident that I will be able to fit in an amusement park ride comfortably, being able to buy smaller size clothes that are cute and stylish, being able to go up and down stairs without being so winded that I can't catch my breath...and so on. I shared this long list (there were tons more reasons) with him and I think he had a greater understanding, plus that is also opening yourself up to a vulnerability by sharing those personal things that probably you wouldn't share with anyone except your dog because those things for me are extremely personal. Try sitting down with him and asking him some open ended questions to get more specific answers from him to help understand what he is going to be going through too since it will be a change for him as well.

It is somewhat of a challenge with preparing meals, dining out, purchasing groceries. He needs to be completely on board with you and your diet changes and truly be your supportive partner in this journey.

Hopefully you have found this post helpful. Best of luck to you. I would also encourage counseling if you are unable to get the communication lines open on your own. Sometimes having a mediator is very helpful. Continue to reassure him daily, keep communication open and eventually he will realize you will be stuck to him like glue

[Dawn102611 11]

I think this is normal. My mom had lapband 5 years ago lost 100 lbs and when I said I was going to have the surgery her husband said "Great now your gonna get skinny and make your mom go out to look for a new man" He is still insecure about it after 5 years... As for myself my husband said " I hope your not gonna change" ... What people forget is that you are who you are fat or skinny. Your the same person... So if you were gonna leave for someone else you could have done that pre surgery... Just my expierience with that so far!! Good luck!

Hello Everyone,

I am in my 4th month of the required 6 month PCP visit. I've done the psych evaluation and start my surgeons program this December. My husband recently started changing things, such as wanting to get rid of some of his hobbies, things he's collected for so long. He bought a guitar and today he was talking about getting a motorcycle. This is not the person I married. He has been distant, not really wanting to do much, and when confronted he said "I'm changing because your going to leave me when you lose all the weight." I have tried and tried to explain to him all the pros this decision will be for the BOTH of us (we talked extensively before my decision and he was 100% supportive). Nothing is working. He is utterly terrified that when i lose the weight I will hunt down another man and leave him. I have never, and he agrees, given him a sliver of a worry that I would ever leave him or want to for that matter. I'm doing this to better my life, not change who I am. I understand how he feels because we both know people that left their spouse's after a significant weight loss, but both instances was because there was no support, motivation, or understanding on either part. We have all these....I even brought up marriage counseling for the both of us but he's in such a funk he really is zoned out.

Does anyone have any similar instances with your spouse after/before/during being banded and could give me some advice? I'm really at a loss, and I HAVE to keep going forward with this. But should my marriage be on thin ice for it?

[batiircabur 25]

Thank you, thats exactly what I told him. I'm me and always will be, I'll just be a smaller version.

I think this is normal. My mom had lapband 5 years ago lost 100 lbs and when I said I was going to have the surgery her husband said "Great now your gonna get skinny and make your mom go out to look for a new man" He is still insecure about it after 5 years... As for myself my husband said " I hope your not gonna change" ... What people forget is that you are who you are fat or skinny. Your the same person... So if you were gonna leave for someone else you could have done that pre surgery... Just my expierience with that so far!! Good luck!

[batiircabur 25]

Thank you, I have talked about all the positive things that will happen afterwards. We can bike ride, I have a bike and can not ride it whatsoever. I told him about how we can just go ride to the park or go to a nice restaurant without fear that I might be uncomfortable sitting at the table. Im sure he'll be ok, its just a little depressing that I'm making this decision and its hurting him. But, reassuring him everyday has been my goal since I found out....it can only get better.

My wonderful husband of 7 years recently voiced his concern and insecurity to me. He told me he was worried that when I lost all of my weight that I would leave him and find someone else. I reassured him that I love him with all of my heart and I am and have been happily married to him for 7 years and nothing is going to change except that things would get even better. I told him that this was about me and the desire to grow old with him still holding hands like we do now. I am reassuring him every day and constantly keeping the communication open and extra affection given. I think if the marriage is not going so well before the band, then it probably still won't go well after the band, and if the marriage is great before the band, then it will just get even greater! I wrote down a list of things that many people take for granted and shared with him such as being able to be confident that I will be able to fit in an amusement park ride comfortably, being able to buy smaller size clothes that are cute and stylish, being able to go up and down stairs without being so winded that I can't catch my breath...and so on. I shared this long list (there were tons more reasons) with him and I think he had a greater understanding, plus that is also opening yourself up to a vulnerability by sharing those personal things that probably you wouldn't share with anyone except your dog because those things for me are extremely personal. Try sitting down with him and asking him some open ended questions to get more specific answers from him to help understand what he is going to be going through too since it will be a change for him as well.

It is somewhat of a challenge with preparing meals, dining out, purchasing groceries. He needs to be completely on board with you and your diet changes and truly be your supportive partner in this journey.

Hopefully you have found this post helpful. Best of luck to you. I would also encourage counseling if you are unable to get the communication lines open on your own. Sometimes having a mediator is very helpful. Continue to reassure him daily, keep communication open and eventually he will realize you will be stuck to him like glue

[kll724 3,055]

Wow! You are so young, and I know that what you are doing is for your health. Maybe he is scared, because he married you and loves you as you are.

I agree, remind him that he will have his wife longer, if you loose your extra weight. Counseling does sound like is in order. Most lapband surgery comes with a requirement for a psych eval. He needs to go with you for this, too! Good luck and God bless you both! Karen

[transforming jlaroux 78]

If he won't go for counseling, get the book called "The 5 love languages." Its an excellent read, and if he's willing to at least take the test to determine his love language, you can show him in a way he understands that you do love him and will continue to love him.

Basically, the premise is that each person "understands" love in a different way. Now we all all need all the languages, but we need one specifically. The love languages are touch, words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, and there is a 5th, that eludes me right now. Anyway, that book saved my relationship. I am words of affirmation and my partner is touch. once we started speaking to each other in the love language that mattered most to the other person, it was amazing!

[batiircabur 25]

Hi there, I'm wouldn't say I'm that young, however, everyone is entitled to their opinion lol. I have a lot of experience under my belt for my age. My husband is 7 years older then me and an already emotional person so I've learned through the years how to approach him. I honestly think he'll be ok. But as you said reassuring him is the key I believe. Regarding the psych evaluation, I've already done that as it is required by my insurance, however, counseling is always an option.

Thanks!

Wow! You are so young, and I know that what you are doing is for your health. Maybe he is scared, because he married you and loves you as you are.

I agree, remind him that he will have his wife longer, if you loose your extra weight. Counseling does sound like is in order. Most lapband surgery comes with a requirement for a psych eval. He needs to go with you for this, too! Good luck and God bless you both! Karen

[batiircabur 25]

Thank you for the book suggestion I will look into this.

If he won't go for counseling, get the book called "The 5 love languages." Its an excellent read, and if he's willing to at least take the test to determine his love language, you can show him in a way he understands that you do love him and will continue to love him.

Basically, the premise is that each person "understands" love in a different way. Now we all all need all the languages, but we need one specifically. The love languages are touch, words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, and there is a 5th, that eludes me right now. Anyway, that book saved my relationship. I am words of affirmation and my partner is touch. once we started speaking to each other in the love language that mattered most to the other person, it was amazing!

[123crod 170]

Tell him he will enjoy sex more because you will be feeling great about yourself and you might want more of it, he will jump on board! Also included him in some support group meetings, take him to a seminar. Give him the project of finding some exercises the two of you can do together or which gym you should join together or let him choose a treadmill or something for you. Ask him to be your coach and then let him, so he feels a part of everything. Ask your Surgeon's office if they have a husband and wife willing to talk about how it affected their marriage I bet they will. Buy some books about the surgery that deals with that issue look on Amazon.com I have bought many book from them the have a lot of them.

Cheri

[123crod 170]

sorry push reply twice

Cheri

[batiircabur 25]

THANK YOU CHERI!!!! That is some great advice!

I love the idea of him being my coach and I actually brought up him coming with me to some type of support group for band patients. I also really like the idea of asking my surgeon about having another married couple tell us their story. I will write that down on my "what to ask" list when I meet with him in December. Btw, I have told him that when I start to have more comfortable "flexibility", the bedroom's gonna be crazy, cause obviously I'm not able to be "adventurous" as we like and so I'm SURE he'll love that "change" lol (random fact, I apparently like quotations lol)

We have been talking a lot, after work yesterday, last night, and the ride to work this morning. I think he's feeling a little better. I think reassuring him and making sure he understands why Im doing this and what the overall outcome can look like helps him.

Thanks again!

Tell him he will enjoy sex more because you will be feeling great about yourself and you might want more of it, he will jump on board! Also included him in some support group meetings, take him to a seminar. Give him the project of finding some exercises the two of you can do together or which gym you should join together or let him choose a treadmill or something for you. Ask him to be your coach and then let him, so he feels a part of everything. Ask your Surgeon's office if they have a husband and wife willing to talk about how it affected their marriage I bet they will. Buy some books about the surgery that deals with that issue look on Amazon.com I have bought many book from them the have a lot of them.

Cheri

[FLORIDAYS 3,040]

Something my surgeon discussed with me is that he has seen many marriages go through tough times when the spouse goes through a drastic change such as losing an enormous amount of weight. He specifically asked me if my spouse was on board. I will be honest to tell you that I thought he was crazy...why would hubby with no weight issues (he is 6"1 / 200 lbs) leave me or vice versa after 20+ years because I was finally thin?

11 months later I still have a good marriage.... however I will tell you that while I know my husband is very proud of my accomplishments thus far... he has shown signs of sabotage just like my Dr suggested might happen. He has said... come on... its Friday night... have a drink or lets go out for ice cream and the ever popular... You arent fun anymore...all you do is think about your "diet". All of that is odd because I will happily go but then I just do not induldge...

These comments have hurt me but I have taken them for what they are and taken the high road by displaying love and iunderstanding. I have in fact told him the comments are selfish and hurtful since he is the one who encouraged me to make a change in my life so I would be around for us to live in old age bliss.... but I know that this is hard on him (I dont really understand why it would be but I'll give it the benefit of the doubt) and that I appreciate his support. I have asked him if he is unhappy with the new me and he isnt.... so I can just formulate that he is jealous of the attention or maybe the focus on how much I have lost by others and I try to make up fo it by giving him more reassurance and attention.

This journey is all about you. Yes it touches your family and relationships so sometimes you just need to remember to make him the focus of your attentions alwhile you are focusing on yourself. Its what we women do.

[batiircabur 25]

Thank you so much for your comments. He recently purchased one of those black strap things that go around your waist that make you sweat....he said he wanted to start losing weight too. He's gone with me to all my PCP visits and I would like him, if possible, to attend my surgeons program with me so he is IN this process with me fully. I think we'll be ok, it'll just take a lot of patience and comforting on my part, and trust and effort on his.

Something my surgeon discussed with me is that he has seen many marriages go through tough times when the spouse goes through a drastic change such as losing an enormous amount of weight. He specifically asked me if my spouse was on board. I will be honest to tell you that I thought he was crazy...why would hubby with no weight issues (he is 6"1 / 200 lbs) leave me or vice versa after 20+ years because I was finally thin?

11 months later I still have a good marriage.... however I will tell you that while I know my husband is very proud of my accomplishments thus far... he has shown signs of sabotage just like my Dr suggested might happen. He has said... come on... its Friday night... have a drink or lets go out for ice cream and the ever popular... You arent fun anymore...all you do is think about your "diet". All of that is odd because I will happily go but then I just do not induldge...

These comments have hurt me but I have taken them for what they are and taken the high road by displaying love and iunderstanding. I have in fact told him the comments are selfish and hurtful since he is the one who encouraged me to make a change in my life so I would be around for us to live in old age bliss.... but I know that this is hard on him (I dont really understand why it would be but I'll give it the benefit of the doubt) and that I appreciate his support. I have asked him if he is unhappy with the new me and he isnt.... so I can just formulate that he is jealous of the attention or maybe the focus on how much I have lost by others and I try to make up fo it by giving him more reassurance and attention.

This journey is all about you. Yes it touches your family and relationships so sometimes you just need to remember to make him the focus of your attentions alwhile you are focusing on yourself. Its what we women do.