"If......Then....."

[pendulum 6]

Was talking to my closest friend tonight- he lives in another state (had to take a job there) and he made some comments about his life- IF he moves back to my city, he will have his significant other, his group of friends, his kids, his family, etc..."

so I played that out in MY life, pre and post surgery....and I hit a mental <bump>

Every time I have gotten close to the "MAGIC 299" (i.e. being UNDER 300 lbs) I think "oh, THEN I will be "happy" " and I freak out and gain lots of weight back...

so I do the lap band, and I lose the weight and....then what?

Right now I..... well its me and 2 wonderful dogs. Thats about it. I have family, great folks but they have their lives, I have mine (and they live, thankfuly, about an hour away....we are there for each other but (smile)

I do NOT have a 'circle of friends' (literally)- in fact one thing that concerns me is post-op, I don't have that 'network' (sure I have 'friends at work' but....I have never been one to hang out with folks from work...yes they are friends but mentally I would call them 'acquaintances' sure I could ask about post-op help but....I don't know....tonight watching tv part of me wished for another person on the sofa next to me, but don't know if I want the hassle of 'people'...I have been single/alone that....people make me nervous....

my best friend lives many states away (the one person I know I would ask) now so....

I guess my worry is, ALL the work of the band (and money ) and...

WHAT IF I LOSE THE WEIGHT and am not "HAPPY"?

I simply don't go out (can't afford the drive, I live in the 'burbs' and work retail, a tank of gas is not cheap- sure there is the dog park, but after many many many years of going (3 dogs over 24 years...well, those are 'acquaintances' in my mind- not 'hang out friends'... never have been a bar person (oh, to short cut this I am a single gay man folks) so....

hope I am not blathering here but I am trying to sort this out NOW and now once I have lapband in me and some hefty bills to pay off...

I wonder I have been self hiding ALL these years with my weight/belly that....am I scared of being 'better'? surely someone on here has something to add? been there/done that? or...?

[Corrigan 75]

We can help with the absolutes, diet, pain,vitamins, but the "What if I'm not happy" I couldn't begin

to address. I guess I'm just not much help with emotional stuff. Maybe some of the ladies can help

you.

[54Shirley 105]

Ditto ! from above.

I don't have a crystal ball !

What if you get hit by a BUS ! Sorry, but I can't answer for what I don't know.

What if you were actually Happy with getting down below the 300# mark ?

It is very possible you know. That could be a first Goal, and then Happiness another.

I always tell people "Just take this one day at a time !"

You will have good days and bad days. More good ones though...

People on here that you can talk to.

Most of the Veterans know what they are talking about, and even the Newbies,

have done their homework, and read the posts, listened, and learned.

I know your self pay, and this is not cheap. But if your interested, then go to a

seminar. Write all your questions down, and ask the Dr. questions..

The Nurse is Knowledgeable, so is the Dietician... Ask away ! It's your money, and life.

You might just be happier when you weigh less. Company or not ! Is your business.

I hope this touched on a few things for you.

Shirley..

[I-wanna-be-a-loser 10]

Maybe once you lose a few pounds you will want to make these acquaintances more like friends. Maybe you will have the courage to get out to the bars, dog parks, mall, book stores and strike up a conversation with someone who will turn into a great friend. No one ever meets people on their couch. Maybe you need the band to kick your but into gear and help you build more confidence to help build your circle of friends.

Does that make sense???

[Dave_NW 92]

I've never had a confidence problem, but I did find when I was obese that I stayed home more than I do now. Going out was a hassle, I got tired, I didn't feel comfortable in public, it hurt to walk very far, I didn't fit a restaurant booth, and so forth. You know the drill - we all have those issues. I had a million reasons why I preferred to stay home and mess with my computer or watch TV. (I was closer to the junk food, too, so it was a self-fulfilling thing.) Nobody judged me harder than I judged myself.

Now, 125 pounds lighter, I'm a completely different person. I really enjoy getting out and doing things now. I go to the gym as much because I enjoy it as because I "have to." I enjoy visiting friends and meeting new people. I go to restaurants to meet friends for a drink or Breakfast out or whatever, as much for the social aspects as because I need/want to eat out. I've taken up a few new hobbies, and I've taken a new interest in working on my house. I work in my yard more, and I'm planning more travel, even if it's just weekend trips to nearby areas. (Priceline has some great bargains, if you know how to work it.) I work on my car more than I did, I spend time at places like Home Depot checking out ideas for home improvement, and I've even joined a book club, to get the perspective of other people about books I might enjoy reading.

My point is that *I* am not the same person I was. For as together as I figured I used to be, I think I'm in a much better head space now. And I find the people I meet these days have no idea I was ever obese, so they treat me just as they'd treat anyone else. No self-defense mechanism required. I'm free to relax around those people, and allow myself to enjoy being friends without having to feel I need to defend my obesity or hide behind some defense mechanism. It's a great place to be.

You have nothing to gain by hiding in your home, and everything to gain by being out. You got banded to help yourself physically, but the emotional improvements may be even better. Enjoy the ride. There's no telling how far your new life may take you.

Dave

[pendulum 6]

I know your self pay, and this is not cheap.

Shirley..

Actually insurance will cover a big big chunk, just I am 'paying down' several old debts (everyone gets $25/month )

so maybe its a mental excuse? hmmm... Am reading all the (heartfelt) responses and wondering if I am worried about losing my 'wall' that has protected me? or of giving up my drug/lover/hater/best friend/shackle....food.

Thanks Shirley....

Pendulum

[pendulum 6]

You really DO make sense on this one....I was sexually abused as a kid, and told I was 'unlovable' by my abuser (my mother)....wonder how much of my weight/fat is my 'hiding'- if I give that up everyone will see ME. Wow. If I lose the weight do I run the risk of being happy and being me?

I also know the wieght keeps me on the side lines...I don't take risk (i.e. going hiking iwth the dogs would be free, and fun...) hmmm... I think I am afraid OF the risk (and god knows I am sick of all the meds) if nothing else do this for my HEALTH, let the happiness come with that...

and I have safely proven that you do NOT meet folks sitting on the couch and I agree, if I DID lose 25 lbs (to start would that give me a nice 'nudge' of energy...

thanks Iwanna...

Penndulum

Maybe once you lose a few pounds you will want to make these acquaintances more like friends. Maybe you will have the courage to get out to the bars, dog parks, mall, book stores and strike up a conversation with someone who will turn into a great friend. No one ever meets people on their couch. Maybe you need the band to kick your but into gear and help you build more confidence to help build your circle of friends.

Does that make sense???

[pendulum 6]

Wow Dave- thanks! This is what I needed to hear...from others... I think I have barricaded myself so long that...well...being 'exposed' feels threatening...(which is normal) also at age 49 I am pretty set in my ways (another reason I feel to do this now is I am will be 50 next year...time for CHANGE)

and you really hit the nail on the head...I know what 'this' feels like, not great, but what does the other side feel like? I have no idea unless I actually take that risk. The band is a tool...toward that new me, new life. I think I have allowed the weight to erode my confidence.... I know I am very intelligent, have a great sense of humor, a very big heart (remember I was the guy whose first concern was 'can the dog still snooze on my belly after the surgery?)

I will not be the same person- you are right, now I only take the dogs out the minimum to do their business. Across the street is a 20 acre national park along the Chattahoochee River that I have never been to - and I have lived here 2 years. What about exploring that? Or learning hobbies....a river means fishing...

I also think NOW is the time to ask these questions- and its a wonderful thing having this forum to ask folks on the 'other side' of this. I also realize part of this is the annoying part of having YET to see my doc, I am guessing/betting there are folks in my area who are having this done (I am sure I will have to go to a seminar, etc...) that will be a great chance to meet, more, folks...who knows....

Thank you very very much for the response....and the pic in your profile is a nice inspiration...

Pendulum

I've never had a confidence problem, but I did find when I was obese that I stayed home more than I do now. Going out was a hassle, I got tired, I didn't feel comfortable in public, it hurt to walk very far, I didn't fit a restaurant booth, and so forth. You know the drill - we all have those issues. I had a million reasons why I preferred to stay home and mess with my computer or watch TV. (I was closer to the junk food, too, so it was a self-fulfilling thing.) Nobody judged me harder than I judged myself.

Now, 125 pounds lighter, I'm a completely different person. I really enjoy getting out and doing things now. I go to the gym as much because I enjoy it as because I "have to." I enjoy visiting friends and meeting new people. I go to restaurants to meet friends for a drink or Breakfast out or whatever, as much for the social aspects as because I need/want to eat out. I've taken up a few new hobbies, and I've taken a new interest in working on my house. I work in my yard more, and I'm planning more travel, even if it's just weekend trips to nearby areas. (Priceline has some great bargains, if you know how to work it.) I work on my car more than I did, I spend time at places like Home Depot checking out ideas for home improvement, and I've even joined a book club, to get the perspective of other people about books I might enjoy reading.

My point is that *I* am not the same person I was. For as together as I figured I used to be, I think I'm in a much better head space now. And I find the people I meet these days have no idea I was ever obese, so they treat me just as they'd treat anyone else. No self-defense mechanism required. I'm free to relax around those people, and allow myself to enjoy being friends without having to feel I need to defend my obesity or hide behind some defense mechanism. It's a great place to be.

You have nothing to gain by hiding in your home, and everything to gain by being out. You got banded to help yourself physically, but the emotional improvements may be even better. Enjoy the ride. There's no telling how far your new life may take you.

Dave

[SkinnyMiniMe 63]

OMGsh... When you start to lose weight you will find yourself doing things you never thought you ever would. Maybe people going to the gym...hmmmmm....ding...ding...ding....workout buddies can turn to aquatainces. Your confidence level will go up, so you may decide to get another job wow...now you get a fresh new beginning. Maybe in this new job you will get new friends to go share a drink with. Try to think of the GREAT possibilites that will come your way.

[pendulum 6]

some irony in you statements Mini

1) My condo overlooks the gym (I can literally see it from my window but have yet to use it) it is not used much

2) one reason I know I am single is 99% of folks assume I am straight...I read 'straight' to other gay men...lol. I am just ME. pure and simple. I finally got one of the dogs a rainbow dog collar (its the 'gayest' thing I own)

however, I do see other men and know I think 'I can't get....him' so I knock msyelf out of the running before I even say hello.....online I do the same thing... online if someone tries to chat I wonder 'why are they talking to me, whats their reasoning' so yeah-

I wonder if I will fall into the 'you ignored when I was fat but now?' (naw, I am not that much of a jerk)

as to the job you are spot on- I have thought about job hunting but worry that I will be seen as the 'heart attack waiting to happen' and no matter HOW good I interview (heck, will I even be able to get in and out of the chair? or sweat walking in?) goes I will be shot down due to my weight (and do I even have any interview clothes that fit?? etc.... what if I smell? etc. but with 100 lbs less I KNOW I will have that much more confidence....I won't be able to hide the good in me.

again, thanks ALL of you for the comments- I know I over think things, but wrapping my brain around this is interesting...

OMGsh... When you start to lose weight you will find yourself doing things you never thought you ever would. Maybe people going to the gym...hmmmmm....ding...ding...ding....workout buddies can turn to aquatainces. Your confidence level will go up, so you may decide to get another job wow...now you get a fresh new beginning. Maybe in this new job you will get new friends to go share a drink with. Try to think of the GREAT possibilites that will come your way.

[SkinnyMiniMe 63]

I understand because part of the reason why I decided to get the Lapband this year was because I wanted to job search and with no confidence level and my weight I realized its not the time to get a new job. Especially because the job market is bad to begin with. I spoke to a couple of friends of mine that work in Human Resources and they both admitted that over weight people rarely get the job. One even went so far to say "you have to look do-able to get the job" (ahhh men).

Side note about you being gay-- Because I love my gay friends. One of my male gay friends is the best girlfriend I have. I say that cause I love him so much and BTW he loves it when I call him that too. Anyways back to the side note. Gay men have no problem getting dates! You will see when you are confident enough to go to gay bars or events. As my gay male friend said to me "our relationships are the same as heterosexual relationships, the only difference is we cut to the chase if we are sexually attracted to one another its established in the first 5 minutes." This makes total sense. Women love being courted etc., but when you have two men its a little easier. No more 5 dates just to know if she likes you kinda thing. Long story short...lose weight...build confidence...you will have the time of your life meeting new people and dating. You will probably make up for all this lost time and have a blast!!!! Just think how in a couple of years you will be saying to yourself that this was the best thing you ever did!

some irony in you statements Mini

1) My condo overlooks the gym (I can literally see it from my window but have yet to use it) it is not used much

2) one reason I know I am single is 99% of folks assume I am straight...I read 'straight' to other gay men...lol. I am just ME. pure and simple. I finally got one of the dogs a rainbow dog collar (its the 'gayest' thing I own)

however, I do see other men and know I think 'I can't get....him' so I knock msyelf out of the running before I even say hello.....online I do the same thing... online if someone tries to chat I wonder 'why are they talking to me, whats their reasoning' so yeah-

I wonder if I will fall into the 'you ignored when I was fat but now?' (naw, I am not that much of a jerk)

as to the job you are spot on- I have thought about job hunting but worry that I will be seen as the 'heart attack waiting to happen' and no matter HOW good I interview (heck, will I even be able to get in and out of the chair? or sweat walking in?) goes I will be shot down due to my weight (and do I even have any interview clothes that fit?? etc.... what if I smell? etc. but with 100 lbs less I KNOW I will have that much more confidence....I won't be able to hide the good in me.

again, thanks ALL of you for the comments- I know I over think things, but wrapping my brain around this is interesting...

[pendulum 6]

Ahhh....Mini- you hit the NAIL on the HEAD on this one...

I 'forget' that one side effect to the weight/depression is I have ZERO sex drive...(at the risk of 'tmi' I have not um....'had fun' in going on 2 years) so I am sure when the wieght comes off the 'sap will rise' again... right now I think I have literally taken myself mentally OUT of the dating pool- somone would have to be very agressive to date me (would I let them in the door with out paranoia (what do they really want? certainly not my body...etc...). my mom says maybe I have hit my bottom....may be some real truth to that...

as to the job hunting- I totally agree- I can't picture me in an ill fitting suit, sweating, trying to fit in a too small chair walking into ANY interview...it IS about the looks.

That said I do have one advantage I forget about...I am 6'4 1/2" so that is a plus.

a side note- another reason I want to do this...my father is not getting any younger and really wants to see me happy, I think this might be a big tool to that goal (I would also love to see him see me in a healthy stable relationship before he is gone...)

Side note about you being gay-- Because I love my gay friends. One of my male gay friends is the best girlfriend I have. I say that cause I love him so much and BTW he loves it when I call him that too. Anyways back to the side note. Gay men have no problem getting dates! You will see when you are confident enough to go to gay bars or events. As my gay male friend said to me "our relationships are the same as heterosexual relationships, the only difference is we cut to the chase if we are sexually attracted to one another its established in the first 5 minutes." This makes total sense. Women love being courted etc., but when you have two men its a little easier. No more 5 dates just to know if she likes you kinda thing. Long story short...lose weight...build confidence...you will have the time of your life meeting new people and dating. You will probably make up for all this lost time and have a blast!!!! Just think how in a couple of years you will be saying to yourself that this was the best thing you ever did!

[abqann 3]

This is an amazing journey of self discovery. My heart is so sad, yet inspired you are able to put this place you are in into words. Also I feel hopeful because just expressing it is a huge thing, even in this somewhat anonomus forum. We all can relate to the "What if I loose the weight and and not happy" dark thoughts. There are many skinny unhappy people in the world. No matter if you have 85 pounds or 285 pounds to loose we all struggle with our demons. Loosing weight in and of itself will not make you happy. I do think that it gives you the confidence to put your toe out the door and try something you have yeaned to do ....go to the park, fish, walk the dog in a new (!!! ) place, say hello to a stranger etc. These things wll inspire you to do new things...and That my friend will lead you in the direction of " happy " .Happy is not a destination, it is a state of mind, It is a decision we make, and it becomes a habit and soon it is a part of you. The dark place becomes smaller and the heavieness receeds. Enjoy your journey the Lap Band can be a tool to get you where you want to be. Sometimes the place we wantto be is the scariest of all. Just take baby steps!

[CindyBklyn 4]

The possibilities are endless once you remove the obstacles that you've placed in your own way. Let others turn you down instead of always taking yourself out of the game. Maybe they wont turn you down! My husband and I both recently got banded and we no longer want to be spectators in our lives - I hope you get in the game too.

[Jess55 97]

I think the being happy part is all what you make of it. I was miserable before starting to lose weight, no real friends, no life, no nothing. I was very depressed. Now I've lost weight, I feel so much better about myself. I still don't really have any good friends. The one person I am kind of closest to, is not really a good friend after she claims she forgot we were going to the movies a few months ago, I just realized she pretends to be everyone's friends. Though I'm still kind of friends with her. But still, have a tiny bit more of a life. I enjoy going to kickboxing 5 mornings a week. So you just have to make yourself happy.