Need Some Advice?

[VelvetKiss 0]

I have been wanting to get the band now for awhile and well due to bad credit was not able to take a loan out for the band and I have no insurance at this time as I have not been able to work for the last 2 years due to complications health wise and from 2 car accidents which were not my fault.

What I need advice on is this, I spoke with my mom and step father and they agreed to either co-sign a loan or lend me the money and I will pay them back. All was good and I am choosing to go with Laparoscopic Associates of San Francisco and using Dr. Cirangle and I even got my surgery scheduled for April 11, 2006, since my mom said march was too hetic for her.

Problem is she doesnt want me to have the band and just thinks I should do it on my own and now she is giving me MAJOR stress over it, she is now telling me that if they pay for the band that they will not pay for a wedding for me when or if I have one, they will not help me out financially if I need it for anything and if I wish to travel home to Ohio to see them then I will have to pay for it my self. All that is fine and good with me and that is what I said but she now keeps saying cant you just do this yourself I dont want to have to help you, why dont you just let me pay for nutrisystem and you can lose weight this way. It is stressing me out so bad, I dont know if I should go with the band as I would like or give in and cancel and do nutrisystem like she would like me too?

What do you guys think?

Oh this is very typical for us, my mom had me young so she has always felt i was an inconviece and a burden to her and my step father has never liked me in the picture and has always hated that I was over weight, but there daughter my sister is thin and they treat her great, I have always been treated like a second class citzen in my immediate family.

Sorry to give out so much information, I am just so stressed and unsure of what to do and I am suppose to be starting to lose some weight before surgery and all the stress is making me want to eat.

Thanks for any help!

[Nykee 13]

i WOULD NEVER TAKE MONEY FROM ANYONE WHO WASNT EVEN WANTING TO GIVE IT TO ME.

Sounds horrible.. maybe if you gave them a bunch of info on the band, they may change their mind..

My parents wouldnt have even considered such a thing, and they love and treat me well.. its just they are money greedy.. (but ya know, why should they give me anything?/ anyway, its not their problem.

[PhotoNut 7]

Oooo.. I feel a song coming on...

*sings* Go on, take the money and run..

*snickers* I think maybe she's just worried about the surgery. Why not try asking her, in a round about way, if she is scared about the risk involved with the surgery. She sounds worried that she won't be there to take care of you.

Best of luck to you!

*sings the verse again with a grin on her face*

[Tricia K. 0]

From what you're telling us, it seems like the family dynamic is very unhealthy. It would really benefit you all to have a serious talk about the real reasons behind their sudden hesitation. If it ends up being an issue about them being worried about your health by going under the knife, there is plenty of research that you can provide them between now and your surgery date. Hopefully this will alleviate their fears.

However, if it's just a matter of them both being catty and unloving, I would simply take the money that was offered and never look back. I know that sounds harsh but you have to consider the source. And, to hold things over your head like "we're not going to pay for any wedding, provide any further financial assistance or pay for you to come visit us" is absolutely ridiculous. Who needs people like that in our lives? Money/love from family members shouldn't be offered and then have stupid conditions put on it.

Best of luck to you. *hugs*

[NJChick 3]

I'm so sorry they treat you like that, breaks my heart.

I have to agree with the other posters... take the money and run... do whats best for YOU !!!! You do deserve to be healthy ya know

[banded_for_life 2]

I would take the money and not give it a second thought. This is your life and you have to do what is right for you. If diets would have worked you wouldn't be where you are. It is not like you are not going to pay the money back.

[Zoe 6]

Your mom is putting you in a difficult position, and the money issue seems to be the least of it. Whether you take the loan/gift or not, you'll probably benefit by talking to her seriously about the band so that she understands it is not a quick and easy fix but a serious, sensible alternative for people who have tried many diets (including Nutrisystem!) and been unable to keep the weight off. 98% of diets fail. But look at all the successful bandsters just on this board! Some of us may be just inching toward our goals, and some of us occasionally relapse, but we ARE going in the right direction.

I dunno . . . maybe because I'm a geezer, I don't really see "take the money and run" as a good option. You're still going to have your family in your life after you get the band (I assume), and if you accept the loan you'll probably also have to accept that your family will put conditions on its use. I don't think that's necessarily unloving, just human. Even if your mom finally accepts that you will get the band, if she's supplied the cash she may look at your weight loss as an investment she's made and monitor every little thing you do. "You're having a scoop of ice cream after you went to all that trouble?" -- that sort of thing. It's happened to some of us. This might not happen to you, but it's something to consider. If it does, could you deal with this kind of hounding?

I have to say I don't think your mom was being nasty by saying you could choose between her paying for your wedding or a band. Unless she's well-off, she may not be able to part with more than band surgery costs, and that money may have been what she was setting aside for your wedding. (Mind you, with all of the over-the-top weddings today, the 20 grand band fee would barely cover the catering bill.) Only you can know for sure if she's being sensible or just controlling and/or cheap.

Good luck, Velvet. You might want to try searching some old posts for stories from other bandsters who had trouble getting emotional support from family. At least you know that the gang at LBT can sympathize with what you're going through.

[vluckey 1]

I agree with Zoe and I'm not a geezer. I do however have a relationship with my mother that is very similar to yours. In my humble opinion, I would not take money from them under any circumstance. You can rebuild your credit in a couple of years and get it taken care of. OR you might co sign for a loan with them, that way it's not their money. Your mother will hound you for every decision you make for years (eating and financial and otherwise).

I have a mother like your mom and a Dad who would have handed me the money without any strings attached. It is obvious that I get along with my Dad better but it has nothing to do with his money. It has always been that way, even when there was no money. He loves me and gives freely to me as I have asked in need. I do the same for my family now (obviously in much smaller doses).

I deal with my mom the best way I know how, with lots and lots of boundries. One boundry for me is I would go on food stamps and welfare before asking her for money.

As far as the wedding and the rest of it, I would get married in Hawaii if I had it to do over again. Much cheaper and none of the brain damage as a wedding. Weddings are over rated to me.

[Nykee 13]

THAT was very well said..

[vinesqueen 2]

Hey Velvet (((hugs)))) I'm so sorry you feel like you are in such a bind. I've been thinking about you since you've posted this, trying to figure out some words that would help. Zoe and Vlucky have given some very good advice.

It is so hard when you have such a dysfunctional family. I think that you should talk to her about the band, direct here here as well. I was on nutrisystem, but I gained it all back. Of course. For them to give you an untimatum like that is so very harsh, and so painful.

I wish I had some better words for you. I wish I has something soothing to help you.

[jqpublic 1]

Im Sorry To Hear About Your Trouble! You Would Think They Would Want To See You Healthy And Happy!

You Can Do It On Your Own Butt It Is Very Tuff, Im Mean Tuff I Have To Fight My Weight Loss Every Day Its Now A Job More Or Less! I Chose To Be Healthy So There For I Will Have To Watch My food Intake For The Rest Of My Life Or Just Ballon Back Up!

Good Luck Hope It Works Out For You! Also Try To Loss Some Of That Stress That Aint Good For You Eather Have A Sit Down With Them? Good Luck Johnq

[puddin 7]

Velvet

I have no idea what it was like for you growing up, but I can smell some sour grapes over this whole ordeal. Your mom wouldn't offer to help you at all if she thought you were a burden or an inconvenience. I think that's low self-esteem talking. I bet if you brought it up your mother would think you were out of your mind for thinking that.

You're stuck between a rock and a hard place. Taking money from family members makes you their indentured servant. Maybe it's worth it. But if it were me, I'd find any other possible way in the world to pay for the surgery. How long would it take you to rebuild your credit? Do you have a nicer car you could trade in for a cheaper car for a down payment (always makes the banks look twice)? If you already are resentful toward your mother and stepfather, taking the money's going to make things 10 times worse. It's a tricky decision to make, and contrary to what it seems like most here seems to be rooting for, I'd probably wait until I could pay for the band myself before borrowing the money. It's your health, but it's also a fragile relationship that you obviously value or you wouldn't be having this dilemma in the first place.

[VelvetKiss 0]

I want to say THANK YOU to everyone who responded and thanks for the great support. It helped me ALOT with this situation.

I have been trying to retalk to my Mom about the surgery and seeing if she needed more information then what I gave her and if she had any fears and we are now talking about trying to do it my way of where she just co-signs the loan for me and I pay it back and leave the wedding and other stuff on the back burner for if and or when it comes up. She isnt thrilled with the idea but I am hoping it will work.

So now I just need to get started on the pre-op diet and all my pre-op test and maybe now I can finally get excited about my surgery date of April 11, 2006.

Thanks again to the LBT Family! You guys are truly the best.

Tonya

[gadgetlady 4]

They probably aren't very educated about the band and weight loss in general. Delete this thread and invited them to join this chat board :-)

[MsButterKup23 1]

They probably aren't very educated about the band and weight loss in general. Delete this thread and invited them to join this chat board :-)

Sounds like a winning plan to me.

Or you could just buy extra life insurance on them and wait for them to kill over. :omg: I don't think the payments on the extra life insurance would be as much as the payments on the loan. :heh:

Seriously, I have a very "interesting" family as well, I don't have any advice for you on the family front, I just wanted to let you know we are here and to keep your head up high.

((((((HUGS))))))