Ok...I lurked a bit...so I guess I should introduce myself...a newbie

[lotsofkids 0]

Hi I am a newbie....and seriously interested in doing the procedure at the Cleveland Clinic with Dr Schauer.

I went to two seminars and I have a one on one with the Dr on Feb 13th.

I have been suffering from sleep apnea and it's related sx's for about 5 yrs now with an upsized fibromyalgia and cronic fatigue. My husband is a professional and extremely driven along with 5 kids (3 in college and equally high achievers)....I am entering such poor self esteem as I can't seem to get enough things done and take the steps needed to take care of myself. I have served my family tirelessly for 23yrs at the cost of my own health. Now I want to to the steps needed to regain ME. My hubby is strongly against the banding proceedure....as he says "you just need to close your mouth"....well I have been yo-yo-ing for yrs and suffered a nasty spiral fracture that cause a 9 month non wieght bearing situation with crutches only....so that really helped my wieght soar....now at 229 my highest ever at 5'7'' (45yrs old)......

My entire family uses FAT jokes around me on a minute to minute basis in the hopes of curing my situation....NOT....I just feel like a failure amongst such talented....active people. I spend an awful lot of emphasis on feeding them and having great meals always available....which no one wants to give up....they MUST have Mom's cooking! But that makes it very challanging for me always constantly preparing meals. Hubby is dominating and wants the traditional wife type....so I am not expecting anything to change...I have to work around my environment. My older boys are all into sports and really eat a lot...but are in great shape. Alas, I am here....hoping for some support or inspiration.....or just anything.

On my own....and getting fatter....

I was always thin and was at a terrific shape when married with a model like figure at 22yrs young....(I love chocolate and chocolate loves me back!) what the heck happened to me?????

diane from Ohio

[paula 4]

yeaahhhh!!!! SO glad to have you out of lurkdom.

WELCOME!!!!!

Getting a little serious now, OMG Diane! (((BIG hugs)))

My heart literally hurts for you. Fat jokes are absolutely NOT acceptable!

First of all, you didnt ask to be this way. Being overweight is painful enough ~ THEN having a family not accept you for being this way is double the pain.

My hubby is strongly against the banding proceedure....as he says "you just need to close your mouth

Does your hubby or kids have any kind of weakness???

For example, smoking, drinking, drug use, gambling? Most people need an aid to quit these addictions, I needed the band to help my food addiction.

Maybe putting it into a perspective like this will help them understand... ???

On my own....

and this one last comment is NOT true! You have us. And I truly mean that. LBT has been a wonderful aid in healing in my mental, physical and emotional well being.

So? Hello Diane! WELCOME to LBT. Looking forward to having you around. WE need you as much as YOU need US! :puke:

[DeLarla 22]

Girl, now is the time to dig deep and find all the strength you can muster. Time to tell your family to make their own meals. I know how great cooking is when it pleases others, but their insulting comments and fat jokes make me physically ill. Nobody can help you but yourself, and it's time you took care of YOU instead of the ungrateful people surrounding you. Your husband isn't perfect so he has no right judging you. The Band gave me MY life back. I didn't ask anyone's permission or advice because I didn't care what other people thought. I did this for me, not for anybody else.

I personally could never stay in a relationship where anybody insulted my weight or made me feel bad about who I was. It's time for you to pull a "Marge Simpson." That's when Mom puts her foot down and splits to the spa for a weekend letting the family fend for themselves. I don't care how bad your high school kids need you, that's an age where they should have learned respect by now. But they learn respect from parents, and you haven't set such a great example by allowing them to insult you or allowing your husband to insult you in front of them. Everyone sees Mom as a joke, yet Mom keeps cooking for them.

If you're serious about losing weight, you first need to lose that low self esteem. I'm sorry if I sound harsh but sometimes tough love is the only thing people respond to.

So your first assignment is to schedule a manicure/pedicure for tonight at dinner. Don't ask your family if they mind, don't make a caserole for them to pop in the microwave, and don't stock the fridge with frozen dinners or leave them money for a pizza. Start slow and show them who is boss!

[MyKdsDad 1]

And as one of the resident spouses let me say that I've felt the same as your hubby. But after 30+ years, I've come to realize that it isn't the amount of food she takes in, so keeping your mouth "shut" just isn't going to cut it. Welcome to LBT and remember (hiding eyes and covering ears) you can ask ANY question in here. These women have no couth.....LOL (of course, I'm speaking in general terms, no one in particular. Right Alexandra?)

[lotsofkids 0]

Man...I just posted a huge reply and then lost it during the submission!

Paula,.....no, my husband has no bad habits (except driving my crazy LOL) no smoking, drinking etc.... He is a very driven, in control person. He brags that his Breakfast is a cup of tea and a 1/2 yogurt only. He looks really good in his suits and sets a nice look. I probably should have mentioned that he is a physician. Although, we are not rolling in financial bliss. He drives a Honda accord and me...a 6yr old mini van. (he has always worked in academia not private practice) and with have three boys in college to support!!! (it is known that most docs are excentric or quirky...to have reached that level) He is no exception....obsessive compulsive in everything he does! A born perfectionist.....and "I" the lowly, falible "normal" one! Two of my boys are following dad...and are studying pre-med courses.

Delarla....I certainly wish that I could pull off a Marge Simpson....but our dynamics have always been very traditional and I play the supporting role for the whole family. I think if I pulled an about-face....I would end up breaking my marriage (he'd think I was nuts!) But, yes, slowly and steadily, I need to make small steps and start weaning them towards less dependancy on my services (house secretary, errand runner for everybody...elaborate meals etc...) I am burnt out now. My husband expects me to consult him in pretty much everything and he also consults me. I bought an expensive $2000 eliptical machine and He pretty much blew the roof off as I did it on my own. He felt we could have gotten a cheap one at Sam's club if that's what I wanted. I stood firm in my choice and told him I could return it...but there's a 15% restocking fee!

Our house is really all high-achievers. My third son in his senior year...made "All North East Ohio" in football and made it to State Championships for Wrestling. My other boys are equally accomplished in different venues/interests.

My husband told me NOT to go to the seminar.....but he wasn't in town that week....and I WENT anyhow! He was upset that I didn't listen...but I told him this is my health and I want to get informed. He feels they are salesmen trying to sell a product and I will be harming myself with a foreign object placed in my body. He doesn't want me to keep my 2/13 appointment with the doctor....but I WILL keep that as well. It could get pretty dicey in my house...but I hope he will get on board. He keeps telling me he got literature showing that sleep apnea is more harmful to the heart than first thought. Duhhhh.....I feel like I have been hit by a truck every morning! I have the cpap machine...but I don't tolerate it well...and I am non-compliant. I am now in a vicious cycle...the more wieght...the worse the apnea...the worse the apnea...the more wieght I gain.

Anyhow...Hopefully you guys will turn me into SUPER MARGE...but it needs wisdom and suble changes...so they won't realize I am finally taking charge of my needs!

As for the Fat jokes....they are really meant in comedy....not to hurt me....but it certainly does. they are meant to encourage my losing weight....but it is not helping my situation at all...it only helps to make me more self-concious and uncomfortable with myself. Hubby set the tone...and now everyone jokes continuously about my size. The joking is about as out of control as is my wieght!!!!

Ok guys....transform me into Super Marge!

hugs...diane : )

[lotsofkids 0]

that's encouraging.....and she really did so well with her wieght lose!

Supporting family members....can really help! Big Congrats to you and your kids!

Diane : )

[paula 4]

A born perfectionist.....and "I" the lowly, falible "normal" one!

My God Diane - how dare you be NORMAL!!!!!!!!! *gasping*

you know, Im gonna think out-side of the box here.

Ive always taught my kids that people are like flowers in a garden.

And what makes a beautiful garden?

MANY colors and shapes and sizes of all varities of flowers... tulips, buttercups, lillies, dandilions, even the snakeweeds add variety. But the most esquisite one of all is the rose.

Funny thing - as beautiful as the rose is, they have sharp things called thorns.

hmmmmmm....

[PhotoNut 7]

Hey Diane, Welcome to our group of crazy but wonderful people.

As I read your story, I was reminded of a nurse that I recently spoke with at one of my appointments. For some reason she opened up to me and just started sharing her life with me and told me something that I think might have been for you, so I'm passing it on.

She too was the backbone of the family. The cook, the maid, the care giver, the one who saw to it that everyone around her had what they needed to succeed. Then came the day that she wanted some success in her own right. She decided to go back to school and get her degree. Oh man, the roof came off and the walls fell down. None of her family (husband and sons by the way) supported her. They rebelled and tried to thwart her efforts in every way they could. Guilt, complaints, arguments, and just not pitching in to help her. (she was also holding down a full time nursing job when she started back to school)

She looked me in the eye and said, "I finally figured it out. They didn't believe I was serious about what I wanted. It wasn't until I put my foot down and told them that I had always supported them and now it was time they support me that they finally did. Now my husband helps with the laundry - and it doesn't kill him. My son actually did the dishes the other night - and he survived! But I know that if I weaken at all, and try to relieve them of any burden, they will not take me seriously anymore and we will be back at square one."

She has to stand strong for herself daily. And it didnt' seem to me that she did it in a threatening way to her family. She simply sat them down and told them in earnest. This is what I -have- to do for me, and it's time you all supported me and gave me my chance to succeed.

Best of luck to you Diane.

You will be in my prayers.

[DeLarla 22]

I take a little offense to "These women have no couth....." considering Diane's thread is based on a women being insulted by her husband (man) and children through incessant, hurtful jokes. I'm not laughing. I wasn't raised around any men whatsoever. I didn't have a father, a grandfather or any uncles. My grandmother was divorced before I was born, and my mother divorced when I was an infant, so I can't fathom allowing a man to insult me in my own home. Perhaps that makes me the wrong person to give advice on how to handle a husband that makes fun of his wife. It disgusts me, and I'd slap his face and risk a night in jail just to shut him up.

Diane, your husband and children are verbally abusing you. The sooner you look at the severity of their jokes, the sooner you'll come up with the right words and actions to teach them respect. A family just like yours was portrayed on Nanny 911. The husband a dentist, the wife a stay-at-home mom. He and the kids constantly insulted her weight. It was awful to watch. I don't care if they're kidding or not, there's nothing funny about making fun of your mom. Nothing. And I know Nanny is just a TV show, but it sent an excellent lesson on respect across the tube.

I'm not saying you should leave or destroy your family, but you need to put your foot down. Call a meeting with your husband. Use a notepad and show him how bad it hurts when he allows your children to make fun of you. Ask him how he would feel if his children didn't show him respect, and tell him it's tearing you up. Men don't often respond well to being told what to do, so instead show him what YOU are going to do.

[lotsofkids 0]

Paula......I'll use that....but then they'll probably call me the giant sunflower of the garden! LOL

I have 4 boys and one girl......my daughter heard me singing....and said....Mom...if you try out for American Idol...they will need to build a bigger stage! I darn near dropped my mouth...but I was laughing as she is only 10 yrs old! But this is what I am going through! The men in my house have even recruited my dear daughter into making Fat jokes!

Photonut....that is hitting the nail on the head. They don't want to make any changes....because they like all the things mom provides in services and in good meals! Why should they welcome changes when they have it pretty good the way things are! But I will stand firm....or else they won't have a mom in ten years to poke fun of.

hugs all,

diane

[PhotoNut 7]

Oh my god. When I read what your daughter had said, my hand went over my mouth and my heart just broke.

Diane, I see the problem hon.. youre laughing with them. Im sure if they could see the tears these comments cause, they would stop. Surely they dont realize how much they hurt. They only see you laughing.

Sounds to me like its time to sit them all down and have a heart to heart talk with them. And Diane? Let them see the tears. Stop trying to shield them from seeing that they hurt you. Yes, they will feel bad about it, but they love you and Im sure they'd rather feel bad about what's been done and then STOP it, than to know they hurt you and you never told them.

[DeLarla 22]

Diane, for dinner tonight prepare steamed brussell sprouts and broiled fish with no butter or oil. Everyone gets a lemon wedge, and serve a side of raw bean sprouts. Thank your family for caring enough to get your butt in gear, and announce that you'll now be cooking healthier for the ENTIRE family since your children are predisposed to the fat gene. Tell them, "Daddy doesn't want fat kids, and neither do I" then pass them a rice cake for dessert.

Then say, "WOOF" and mean it.

[PhotoNut 7]

*laughs* Right on DeLarla!

[vinesqueen 2]

Hi Diane,

Welcome to our little family, you are now part of an amazing group of poeple. Some are very outspoken, some are very passionate, some are more measured in their posts. We care about everyone who posts here, it really is unique in any support board I've been on.

Please don't feel that anyone here is beating you up, that isn't what they are meaning. Delarla, sunshine, this one might not be ready for your tough love. We don't want to scare her off.

I am so very sorry you have to deal with what you have shared. I was in a relationship similar to what you describe with my first marriage. Which is why it was a first marriage and not my current marriage. It wasn't that I left, but he did because after beating me down verbally and emotionally for years, he didn't like what I'd become.

Diane, please feel free to send me a private message (PM).

The constant put-downs, treating you like a servant or a child, the emotional blackmail are all forms of abuse. He is not being excentric, he's being abusive. The thing that forced me to get help was a sticker in the women's bathroom at the school I was attending. It said "domestic violence affect you and your children forever."

It took many years of therapy, but I am free of that.

And I'm serious, you can contact me any time you like.

[lotsofkids 0]

Delarla.....

If I knew now what I didn't know as a young 22 yr old bride....my life would be different. You must set the tone very early in a relationship and then build from there. I was always willing to be flexible, work harder, sacrifice more, invest heavily in my husband and kids...but never taking out time for myself in any hobbies or just hanging out with girlfriends. I have good friends...but I don't spend much time doing things with them....we talk on the phones...but I feel I am always busy with things that need to get done in my house or for my kids. Months go by before we get together.

Once this becomes the norm for almost 2 1/2 decades.....then how do you put things in reverse without major resentment. It is hard, that's why a slow and steady pace is probably the only way in my situation.

Just like child rearing.....you must work hard in the early years to mold the good habits.......if you wait until they are rebellious teens to start teaching them....you have already missed the boat.

That's my situation...from the begining, I didn't train my husband to be sensitive to my needs.....now I am trying to right the wrong....and it will be an uphill battle. BTW: he is a very good man and lives for his family....he just has had everything go HIS way for such a long time....and now I am realizing that it isn't a good set up me and my aspirations.

Hugs....diane : )