What Will It Take (warning - long!)

Veritas · February 3, 2006

WHAT WILL IT TAKE?

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I’m pondering this question tonight. What will it take? What will it take for my mind and my body to finally connect? Permanently! I sat here earlier with a bag of potato chips in my lap, munching away. And I don’t even like potato chips that much. I was so “good” today watching my calories and making healthy food choices. My surgery is 25 days away and I know I must be disciplined. And yet, at 11pm, I walked over to the cupboard, pulled out the bag of chips and started munching. What is my problem? :target: I wish to God I knew.

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I think it’s rather ironic that I’ve spent my entire overweight life feeling like nobody understands me and nobody understands why I am the way I am. But the truth is, I don’t even understand or know myself! Oh sure, I could sit here and reel off a million excuses. Stress eating, comfort eating, bad eating habits since childhood, the fact that I don’t like to exercise, I don’t have time to exercise, etc, etc, etc. But those are only part of the story. After all, I’m not stressed out ALL the time. I’ve learned about nutrition. I know what to eat to be healthy and truth be told, when I do so, I feel great! My body rejoices when I exercise it. It practically dances when I stop eating when I’m full. When I say no to sugar, I am more alert and productive. My energy levels are higher, my attitude is more positive, and I feel like I’m on top of the world! So WHY?!?!?!? Why do I go backwards? Why is it so easy for me to disconnect from what I know is true?! :faint:

I’ve spent my whole life struggling with this. I grew up looking at people bigger than me with condemnation, telling myself, “Look at how they let themselves go! I will never be that big” Well, lo and behold, here I am. I’ve always told myself that I would never hit 200 pounds. Then it was 250. Then 300. Then 350. I am now 372.5 pounds. I can’t believe I am even typing it because that number angers me and repulses me and more than anything, it SCARES me! I can’t be that person! I’m better than that! I have more self-control than that! I just can’t accept it!

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I am afraid to have this operation. But not because of potential complications or because I don’t like sharp objects or even because the thought of lying naked in front of a lot of strangers is not my idea of a good time. (Although all these things are true) What I’m really afraid of is that I will not succeed. That I will fail. Yet again.

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So I ask myself, what will it take? What will it take for me to win this battle for good? And the unfortunate truth is that I just don’t know. Yet.

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But you can bet your sweet ass I’m going to keep asking myself until I figure it out.

wannabelean · February 3, 2006

Wow! If you could read my mind!!!! What a wonderfully eloquent way to ask the question that has plagued me for years. My surgery is TOMORROW!!!! I drive to Tijuana in the morning! I will let you know how it goes.. in the meantime, I must take the testimonials I have read here as proof that there is hope for us. In the meantime, Put... the.... Chips.... Back!!!!! I plumped up 10 disgusting pounds with the knowledge of my impending surgery!!!!!!!!!! It really is pathetic. Wish me luck.

Maggie63 · February 3, 2006

Veritas-

Your story really hit home for me. I, as well as my close friends who are overweight, struggle with those questions every time we get together. How did we let this happen? How could our bodies gotten so out of control? Everything else in my life is just as it should be. Why can't this be?

For me, lapband was the first step. Since my surgery the scale has not been going up. This is the first time this has happened in years. I know I will be successful. Everyday I learn a little more about self control and eating to live instead of eating cause the food is there.

Thanks for this thread. I think it will hit home for many people.

I was mortified at the thought of being naked on the table too. : ) My doc and all my nurses were men. It will be over before you know it, and you will be on to your new life!!

Good Luck. Let us know how it goes!!

banded_for_life · February 3, 2006

Veritas, you are struggleing with the issues that we are all facing as well on a daily basis. Even afer losing 66 pounds, I still fight head hunger....everyday. Most of the time it is at night, when my defenses are the weakest. I was so mad at myself on Sunday, because I was mad at my mom. How did I handle it? I ate my way through it. I haven't learned anything. We are no longer suppossed to eat through our anger, we are suppossed to talk about it. I even took a long walk in order to walk off my frustration. It didn't help. I know what you are going through and with one babystep at a time we will get there. Amazingly, that night I spoke to my mom of why I was upset and I was able to get through the evening without any more food issues. Boredom is always my biggest issue...I let myself get bored and I end up foraging in the kitchen. So now I am starting to assign myself task to do at home that is away from the kitchen to try and combat the boredom. You can do this with the band.

mousecrazy · February 3, 2006

I am just getting to this thread for some reason, but you do speak the truth, Veritas (great name choice!). I KNOW what I'm supposed to do. I have this forum to talk about issues. I am well-educated about the medical and emotional aspects of weight loss. I can encourage others. When I have that feeling, and reach for the salty Snacks, or even the chocolate ones, it's as if I've left my brain somewhere else and, like you said, disconnect. We'll just keep working on being "present" all the time, and making better choices. Thanks for your post. Cindy

DORCAS · February 3, 2006

I think we all can say that we hv been there & have felt what u do but take my advise b4 starting the period u can only do liquids enjoy yourself & indulge 1 last time than get head set u can do this & the band won't allow u 2 over indulge. U still have 2 mk healthy choices but u must have the mind set 2 succeed. Trust none of us like going under the knife but we have faith in u!! Good luck

txkrause · February 3, 2006

First and foremost, food is an addiction just like smoking or alcohol. We all have reasons why we use food to "soothe" us. Emotional, past history, boredom, depression, joy, celbrations, family, culture, etc., etc. No excuses - just reality. Our brains chemically "change" the perspectives of our bodies partly due to the foods we eat. (I teach biology, by the way).

It takes discipline and training to change remove our bodies from an addiction. Even with the lap band, my BRAIN STILL WANTS the same foods in the same amounts I have always eaten. However (and I thank God for this), my BAND will not allow me to eat that food, in those same amounts.

After time with a band, and discipline combined with success - we CAN re-train our bodies away from the NEED for the food.

Believe it. We can. It is no 'fast cure'. It will take time. Our 'fast food - I want it now' society doesn't help us deal with this very well, but if we are diligent and patient . . . the band will help us make this change. NOT do it for us, but HELP us.

Hang in there everyone. I have enough HOPE for us all.

ReneBean · February 4, 2006

Hey Kayla,

You speak for all of us with the brain disconnect! I topped out at 367 - and I am now in the general viscinty of 340. I get my band on Monday. We can all do this - we just need to lean on each other.

**And removing the potato chips from the house is adviseable, too. I mean, does a crack addict keep a couple of extra rocks in the cupboard? I think not... :]

Good Luck!!