HarleyNana 10 Posted February 1, 2006 Some of those were down right, laugh out loud, funny! Thanks for the chuckles and laughs. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Jessiebear 2 Posted February 2, 2006 Face Lift for Her Birthday Thursday, September 08, 2005 A middle aged woman decided to have a facelift for her birthday. She spent $5000 and felt pretty good about the results. A few weeks later, she stopped at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she said to the clerk: "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32," was the reply. "I'm exactly 47," the woman said happily. A little while later she went into McDonald's and asked the counter girl the very same question. The girl replied, "I guess about 29." The woman replied, "Nope, I'm 47." Now, she was feeling really good about herself. She stopped at a drug store on her way down the street. She wemt up to the counter to get some mints and asked the clerk the burning question. The clerk responded, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again she proudly responded, "I am 47, but, thank you." While waiting for the bus to go home, she asked an old man the same question. He replied, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then I can tell you exactly how old you are." They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the heck, go ahead." He slipped both of his hands under her blouse and under her bra and began to feel around very slowly and carefully. After a couple of minutes of this, she said, "Okay, okay, how old am I?" He completed one last squeeze of her breasts, removed his hands, and said, "Madam, you are 47." Stunned and amazed, the woman said: "That was incredible, how could you tell?" The old man replied, "Promise you won't get mad?" "No, of course not," she said. He replied: "I was behind you in line at McDonald's. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Jessiebear 2 Posted February 2, 2006 Could You Slow Down Just a Little? Monday, August 22, 2005 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Jessiebear 2 Posted February 2, 2006 Differing Views of Marital Sex Saturday, August 13, 2005 SOCIAL SECURITY SEX Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?" "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex." "Social Security sex?" "Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on." LOUD SEX A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell." "My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!" QUIET SEX Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session: "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?" She glanced at him casually and replied: "You're never home!" CONFOUNDED SEX A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the that cost would be $3,500 for "small," $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor. The man answered: "She'd rather remodel the kitchen." WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells: "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife--Cold As Ever.' " "Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone reads: 'Here Lies My Husband--Stiff at Last.' '' WOMEN'S HUMOR My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Jessiebear 2 Posted February 2, 2006 The Farmer and His Pet Rooster Friday, August 12, 2005 AN OLD FARMER WENT TO TOWN TO SEE A MOVIE. THE TICKET AGENT ASKED, "SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?" THE OLD FARMER SAID, "THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER, CHUCK. WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES." "I'M SORRY, SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT. "WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER." THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED THE BIRD DOWN HIS OVERALLS. HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE THEATER. HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE. THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. THE OLD FARMER UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCKY COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE. "MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED. "WHAT?" SAID MARGE. "I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT." "WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE. "HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT," WHISPERED MILDRED. "WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT," SAID MARGE. "HELL, AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL" "I THOUGHT SO TOO," SAID MILDRED, "BUT THIS ONE'S EATIN' MY POPCORN!" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
HarleyNana 10 Posted February 2, 2006 Why God made moms" answers given by elementary school age children to the following questions: Why did God make mothers? 1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is. 2. Mostly to clean the house. 3. To help us out of there when we were getting born. How did God make mothers? 1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us. 2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring. 3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts. What ingredients are mothers made of? 1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean. 2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think. Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mom? 1. We're related. 2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me. What kind of little girl was your Mom? 1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff. 2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy. 3. They say she used to be nice. What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him? 1. His last name. 2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? 3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores? Why did your Mom marry your dad? 1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot. 2. She got too old to do anything else with him. 3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on. Who's the boss at your house? 1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball. 2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed. 3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad. What's the difference between moms and dads? 1. Moms work at work &work at home, &dads just go to work at work. 2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them. 3. Dads are taller &stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's. 4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine. What does your Mom do in her spare time? 1. Mothers don't do spare time. 2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long. What would it take to make your Mom perfect? 1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery. 2. Dye it. You know, her hair. I'd dye it, maybe blue. Ifyou could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be? 1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that. 2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me. 3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on her back. ============================== THE MOMMY TEST I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that. "Why?" my daughter asked. "Because it's been laying outside, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs" I replied. At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?" "Uh," ...I was thinking quickly, " All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. "OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the daddy." "Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face and joy in my heart. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Jessiebear 2 Posted February 2, 2006 Good one Pat! I'm sending this to all the Moms I know! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Jessiebear 2 Posted February 3, 2006 UNDERWEAR IS IMPORTANT. Listen up! Sunday, October 30, 2005 If you don't laugh out loud at this one, call the morgue and reserve a tray, because you are dead. Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle. From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crest View couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underwear turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead. :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: __________________ Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Jessiebear 2 Posted February 3, 2006 25 Signs That You Have Grown Up Saturday, November 05, 2005 1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of 'em. 2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question. 3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed. 5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator. 6. You watch the Weather Channel. 7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "Hook Up" and "Break Up." 8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14. 9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "Dressed Up." 10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo. 11. Older relatives now feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you. 12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore. 13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up. 14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers. 15. sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt. 16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM. 17. dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one. 18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM now severely upsets, rather than settles, your stomach. 19. If you're a gal, you go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests. 20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff." 21. You actually eat Breakfast food before noon. 22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again." 23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work. 24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar. 25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your hide. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Jessiebear 2 Posted February 3, 2006 Make sure you have your sound turned on and click the link below. http://www.mrcomputerservices.com/DancingHippo.htm Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
