I found some funny stuff.......

[Jessiebear 2]

I'm gonna start this thread to post some funny stuff I have found. Feel free to add to it! We all need to laugh! It's good for you!

[Jessiebear 2]

For Those Who Are King of the House

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

For all those guys who are King, until their wife gets home:

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one. I just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie. "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."

"Really," said Charles, "now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken s**t !"

[Jessiebear 2]

Ever Wonder.............

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 on those little bottles of Evian Water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? (My sentiments exactly)

3. OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the

Tennessee Titans?

4. If four out of five people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?

5. There are three religious truths:

a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.

c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

7. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

8. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

12. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

13. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? 14. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

15. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

16. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me .....they're cramming for their final exam.

17. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks?

18. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

19 If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

20. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

22. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together it spells

"THEIRS

[Jessiebear 2]

It Was a Bad Traffic Accident

Friday, December 02, 2005

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!"

The woman continues, "And look at this, there's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and Celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in

agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

[Jessiebear 2]

Best Little Convent in Texas

Sunday, November 27, 2005

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

10 MILES

He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and he drives on without second thought. Soon he sees another sign, which says:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

5 MILES

Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real. Then he drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son? '" He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."

Very well, my son. Please follow me.

The man is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.

The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."

He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."

He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nuns cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

GO IN PEACE.

YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED

BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.

SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

[Jessiebear 2]

He Wanted a Truck, She Wanted....

Friday, November 18, 2005

A couple had been debating buying a vehicle for weeks.

He wanted a truck.

She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town.

He would probably have settled on any beat-up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

"Look!" She said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in just a few seconds. Nothing else will do. My birthday is coming up so surprise me!"

He did just that. For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale. Nobody has seen or heard from him since.

[Jessiebear 2]

Very Clever, but Somebody Out There Has Way Too Much Time on His Hands

Thursday, November 17, 2005

This has got to be one of the most clever e-mail messages I've received in awhile. Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.

DORMITORY

When you rearrange the letters:

DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN

When you rearrange the letters:

BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER

When you rearrange the letters:

MOON STARER

DESPERATION

When you rearrange the letters:

A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES

When you rearrange the letters:

THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH

When you rearrange the letters:

HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE

When you rearrange the letters:

HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES

When you rearrange the letters:

CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY

When you rearrange the letters:

IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS

When you rearrange the letters:

LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

MOTHER-IN-LAW

When you rearrange the letters:

WOMAN HITLER

SNOOZE ALARMS

When you rearrange the letters:

ALAS! NO MORE Z'S

A DECIMAL POINT

When you rearrange the letters:

IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES

When you rearrange the letters:

THAT QUEER shake

ELEVEN PLUS TWO

When you rearrange the letters:

TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:

When you rearrange the letters

(With no letters left over and using each letter only once):

TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay too much time on their hands!

[Jessiebear 2]

Praise the Lord!

Thursday, November 17, 2005

There was a little old lady, who every morning stepped onto her front porch, raised her arms to the sky, and shouted: "PRAISE THE LORD!"

One day an atheist moved into the house next door. He became irritated at the little old lady. Every morning he'd step onto his front porch after her and yell: "THERE IS NO LORD!"

Time passed with the two of them carrying on this way every day. One morning, in the middle of winter, the little old lady stepped onto her front porch and shouted: "PRAISE THE LORD! Please Lord, I have no food and I am starving, provide for me, oh Lord!"

The next morning she stepped onto her porch and there were two huge bags of groceries sitting there. 'PRAISE THE LORD!" she cried out. "HE HAS PROVIDED GROCERIES FOR ME!"

The atheist neighbor jumped out of the hedges and shouted: "THERE IS NO LORD. I BOUGHT THOSE GROCERIES!"

The little old lady threw her arms into the air and shouted "PRAISE THE LORD! HE HAS PROVIDED ME WITH GROCERIES AND MADE THE DEVIL PAY FOR THEM!"

[Jessiebear 2]

[Jessiebear 2]

The Outhouse

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Once there was a little boy who lived in the country.

His family had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer and cold in the winter and stank all the time.

The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek.

One day after a spring rain when the creek was swollen, the little boy decided that today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek.

So he got a large stick and started pushing.

Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.

That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why.

The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?"

The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."

The dad replied: "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree."

[Jessiebear 2]

Fun Stuff: Think You Know Everything? Here's a Refresher Course

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

...For those of you who just thought

you knew everything,

here's a refresher course:

****

The liquid inside young coconuts

can be used as a substitute for

blood plasma.

****

No piece of paper can be folded in half

more than seven (7) times.

****

Donkeys kill more people annually

than plane crashes.

****

You burn more calories sleeping

than you do watching television.

****

Oak trees do not produce acorns

until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.

****

The first product to have a bar code

was Wrigley's gum.

****

The king of hearts is the only king

without a mustache.

****

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive

from each salad served in first-class.

****

Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise. (Since Venus is normally associated with women, what does this tell you!)

****

Apples, not caffeine,are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

****

Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.

****

Walt Disney was afraid of mice.

****

Pearls melt in vinegar.

****

The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

****

It is possible to lead a cow upstairs--

but not downstairs.

****

A duck's quack doesn't echo,

and no one knows why.

****

Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.

(I keep my toothbrush in the living room now!)

****

Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first U.S. president whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal."

The second ?

William Jefferson Clinton

****

And the best for last.....

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

****

Now you know everything

there is to know.

Of importance, that is !

Cheers !

[Jessiebear 2]

The Blond Goes to Her First Football Game

Saturday, October 15, 2005

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!"

[Jachut 487]

It's 9.42 pm here and still off rating season on the television, meaning there is absolutely nothign but crap on. I am bored bored bored. But you've brightened my evening!

[Oh 2 Be Free 0]

That is some GOOD STUFF Jessiebear! Thanks for sharing it with us!

[Jessiebear 2]

You're welcome! I stumbled onto this site looking for the boo bees picture. I needed a laugh & thought some others here did too. I would have posted more, but I had to go to bed! Have a good day everyone!