Husband/Spouse is not Supportive and Negative!

[learningtoluvme 0]

Hello,

I decided to add this topic, because it is something that I deal with each and everyday of my life. When my husband made the comment about me being 'disgusting' after he placed a blanket on me while laying on the couch.. He tried to clean up his comment with, how kids would perceive me if they saw their Mom's underwear while she was lying on the couch..

I didn't know how to accept that comment, but my feelings and heart begin to hurt immediately.. the tears were flowing from my eyes uncontrollably. I never knew how someone that claim to LOVE you, could hurt you so badly in an instant.

On August 9, 2011-my lap band surgery was performed and since that day, I have experienced a lot of discomfort and the inability to sleep. My husband says, "SUCK IT UP', it's only minor surgery why are you acting like you had a heart transplant or something amputated.. He picks on me time and time again about everything... he loves cornering me to say what a horrible and selfish mom I am since I made the decision to have surgery when we have two children returning to school...Eldest is returning to college and the other to 8th grade. If this negativity continues, I feel as if my 22 plus year marriage will come to an end... I need some feedback and would like to know how would you handle a spouse that is not supporting your weight-loss goals.. I am tired of crying and looking at myself in the mirror with disgust.

Signing of as MrsExDurrellswife!

[dropsizes 2]

Hello,

I decided to add this topic, because it is something that I deal with each and everyday of my life. When my husband made the comment about me being 'disgusting' after he placed a blanket on me while laying on the couch.. He tried to clean up his comment with, how kids would perceive me if they saw their Mom's underwear while she was lying on the couch..

I didn't know how to accept that comment, but my feelings and heart begin to hurt immediately.. the tears were flowing from my eyes uncontrollably. I never knew how someone that claim to LOVE you, could hurt you so badly in an instant.

On August 9, 2011-my lap band surgery was performed and since that day, I have experienced a lot of discomfort and the inability to sleep. My husband says, "SUCK IT UP', it's only minor surgery why are you acting like you had a heart transplant or something amputated.. He picks on me time and time again about everything... he loves cornering me to say what a horrible and selfish mom I am since I made the decision to have surgery when we have two children returning to school...Eldest is returning to college and the other to 8th grade. If this negativity continues, I feel as if my 22 plus year marriage will come to an end... I need some feedback and would like to know how would you handle a spouse that is not supporting your weight-loss goals.. I am tired of crying and looking at myself in the mirror with disgust.

Signing of as MrsExDurrellswife!

Wow my heart goes out to you. To me it sounds like your husband has the problem not you. It might be fear that when you loose weight that YOU will not need HIM! Tell us is he over weight at all? If you can You need a support group see if your Dr has one that you might be able to go to.

Please keep in remember that you are doing this for you. You have taken a big step in life in getting well and fit. Keep working on yourself as YOU ARE WORTH IT.

Take care of YOU! I will be thinking of you. Stay well stay safe god bless you.

Mary

[NJGirl32 43]

I suggest counseling for you both. He needs to know that his comments are hurtful and his comments are bringing you down. You have children together and have been married for a long time-try counseling or at the very least have a one to one talk to him letting him know how you feel tell him this will have to change immediately because it's emotionally destroying the love you have for him. If he is unresponsive or simply doesn't seem to care then you need to decide if this is the life you want.

I wish you the best!

[Snoopyloverny 3]

That is emotional verbal mental abuse which really gets under my skin. So just to be safe I will comment later when I calm Down!

[learningtoluvme 0]

Hello Everyone:

Thank you for responding.. I will take in all of your advice and my husband is not overweight.. I wanted to lose the weight for the sake of my children... He doesn't see anything wrong with his comments and refuses to see a counselor with me.. His theory is, "I TOOK THE EASY WAY OUT" and this is not how real women lose weight... The few holes in my stomach are flesh wounds and no one should be complaining about aches unless they are weak ... I can't take his comments much more and it is wearing me down mentally.. I do not sleep in the same room with him anymore, because I do not want him to see me without my clothes on.. I don't sleep and having the lap band surgery was a choice I made and did not expect this negativity from my very own husband... He is being hateful and it's hard looking at him, because I am developing a hate for his ways and towards him.. Thank you guys for allowing me to vent... I don't think you know how much this means to me!..

[thsisme 14]

learning to luv.....you have to make your own decisions in the status of your relationship. That in and of itself is a hard one. The band is a process and is by no means an easy way out. You will have to work it everyday and as you learn yourself what your "food / habits in eating" are you will have to identify them and modify your behavior and this will go on for the rest of your life as it is easy to fall back into our old routines of eating.

REal women? what would he know? He does not feel your pain, or your angst, and perhaps your fear of not living long enough to be there for your children.

The good news for you is that your children are old enough to take care of themselves and to assist you if need be. There are bandsters here that have been banded and their children are small. Selfish? OH, yeah, we are all a bunch of selfish band of people because we would like to live a healthier life and be able to be there for our families and yes, ourselves.

You might want to consider counseling for yourself to assist you through this difficult time. Do not let your hubby sabotage you in this process. As you start to lose the weight you will start to feel better and better. If your weight loss is slow...so what you are still losing and punds on the scale is not the lone indicator that you are losing. Your body will reshape.

You do need to get moving. Walking is good aim for 30 minutes a day. This will also aid in the healing process, apply a heating pad to your stomach when you sit or lay down.

I cannot say where your marriage will go or what the end result will be, but you do have the power to get back on your feet and decide where it is you want to be.

Learn to forgive yourself and never stop believing in yourself.

I wish you much strength as you go through this phase and it is only a phase, happiness and health!

[NJGirl32 43]

The easy way out, really? He really is clueless about the entire process! And..IF it were the "easy way out" so what? I mean what the heck is wrong with that? Is taking a car to work the easy way out, instead of walking? Is going food shopping the easy way out, intead of growing your own food? Is using a dishwasher the easy way out-I mean why does life have to be a struggle anyway?

He talks to you about what "real women" do....well real men don't put down their wives, real men don't make their wives cry, and real men are supportive of their mates.

I agree, you need to get yourself in counseling so you can get some perspective on your situation. You deserve to be treated with love and dignity.

After seeing a counselor, please get some legal advise...just in case. During my first marriage my ex cleared out all the bank accounts. Think smart-have a plan-my credit rating was ruined after my divorce. Perhaps a trial seperation might work for you both. Talk to a counseler and talk to a lawyer. Like I said girl, you deserve so much more in your life.

[kittyforet 50]

Praying for you. You are a REAL woman. REAL women feel, hurt, laugh, cry, gain/lose weight.

Hoping you can be strong and do what your heart says to do. You deserve more than emotional abuse. Hugs.

[learningtoluvme 0]

I want to thank each and every person who posted.. It has given me the strength and knowledge to do something about my situation and to stop feeling sorry for myself.. Counseling is on my to do lists first thing Monday morning.. Along with seeking the advice from an attorney. I never looked at my husband's comments as being abusive, but they are.. He is a heartless man and cares only about himself and has walked over me for the very last time.. This platform has given me so much STRENGTH and I can't say THANKS enough!..I am a school teacher and headed back to work next week and with the help of this forum and my girls, I WILL BE OKAY!..

Thanks and Love to each of YOU!

[NJGirl32 43]

Good for you! You sound as if you have a plan and are getting back the power he has been draining from you!

Please let us know how you make out-we care!

You might also wantto go to a meeting for women who are abused. Even though you are not physically abused he is definitely abusing you mentally and it is a cycle, once you understand the cycle then you can recognize it for what it is and move forward,

From one teacher to another...just be smart with the lawyer thing- don't let this ruin your credit or financially drain you. Find out what your rights are and at least you'll make an educated decision. I really wish you nothing but the best-that's what you deserve!

Please read this article and the signs of abuse:

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm

[thsisme 14]

Agree with NJgirl32. We are here for you. My prayers are with you to find strength, peace and the health that you so deserve!