Marriage Relationship

[rebecca1962j 0]

Hi Everyone,

I posted several things about my life a few weeks ago and I have a hard time trying to see what others have added or get back to where I was. I used to know how to navigate better, or this board has changed in the last two years. Oh, yeah, and I'm also getting older and have been really stressed lately, so my memory is probably shot, too. :0)

Anyway, I wanted to give an update on my situation and see if anyone out there can relate. My husband and I have now been separated for two and a half months, and I am no closer to understanding why. I finally know that he has been really depressed, and he was recently diagnosed and has started taking depression medication. He has been on something for two weeks now. He says that along with the side effects, he feels the medicine has magnified his feelings of disgust in himself, lack of confidence, feelings of failure, and desire to just hide away somewhere. We are hoping that in a few weeks he will feel better or we don't stand a chance. I hope that the medicine will help him, but I have been feeling really down about everything that has happened the last two and a half months. I think I am in the midst of my own situational depression.

I had an appointment for a counselor and went last week. I was so sad for two days after that I just wanted to crawl in a hole myself. I do not think we were a good fit at all. She made me feel stupid for having hope and wanting to stay in the marriage, although I don't think she wanted to do that. She wanted me to admit he has had an affair and stop living in denial. I feel that he has had an emotional affair with someone, but he says he has never had a physical affair. He says he still loves me and is just asking me for a little time to get his head on straight. So here I am, waiting....and waiting...and waiting. I am trusting in what he says, because as far as I know he has never lied to me. I love him unconditionally, which makes it hard not to give him the benefit of the doubt.

I know that he is so upset and ashamed with himself for needing medication and asking for help from professionals. He doesn't seem to think a problem of the mind is the same as a problem of the body. How can I help him with that? Anyone have any ideas?

I go back to work on Monday, and guess it will be good to stay busy. Please say a prayer for me. If I can figure out how, I would love to see any comments on what you have experienced or what you think. God bless.....

Rebecca

[nayttap 4]

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[rebecca1962j 0]

1. Prayers said

2. Antidepressants take a minimum of 21 days to work up to the proper level in your system. The first drug tried may not be the right one for your husband........it may take time to find the right drug or combination of drugs. Real depression truly is a chemical imbalance.

3. Your husband needs to communicate with his physician in the next week if the meds are magnifying negative feelings. He may need a change or adjustment, and it may take someone else to advocate for him if he's unable to function for himself.

4. Reducing the side effects of meds takes a lot longer.....eg a person may feel better depression wise but still suffering from sleepiness.

5. Antidepressants are the most commonly prescribed medications in the US--no need to be ashamed. If you were a diabetic, would you be ashamed to take insulin? If you have poor eyesight, would you be ashamed to wear glasses?

6. Are you going to the right counselor for you?

7. Keeping busy is an excellent thing to do....along with exercise, sleeping adequately , eating appropriately, and not allowing other addictions to grow out of control.

8. Pray without ceasing.

FYI.......I work in the pharmacy/health care field--thus know meds, suffered a horrible depression after my spouse died young and needed meds for balance and preservation, I've utilized a counselor, and I pray without ceasing.

[rebecca1962j 0]

Thank you so much for the response. I really appreciate your expertise in medications because I don't know much about them myself. He is on prozac and has had a really hard time sleeping, trouble with upset stomach, and bad headaches. I hope he feels better soon.

Thanks for the great advice. I will continue praying and hoping every day! :0)

[Snoopyloverny 3]

1. Prayers said

2. Antidepressants take a minimum of 21 days to work up to the proper level in your system. The first drug tried may not be the right one for your husband........it may take time to find the right drug or combination of drugs. Real depression truly is a chemical imbalance.

3. Your husband needs to communicate with his physician in the next week if the meds are magnifying negative feelings. He may need a change or adjustment, and it may take someone else to advocate for him if he's unable to function for himself.

4. Reducing the side effects of meds takes a lot longer.....eg a person may feel better depression wise but still suffering from sleepiness.

5. Antidepressants are the most commonly prescribed medications in the US--no need to be ashamed. If you were a diabetic, would you be ashamed to take insulin? If you have poor eyesight, would you be ashamed to wear glasses?

6. Are you going to the right counselor for you?

7. Keeping busy is an excellent thing to do....along with exercise, sleeping adequately , eating appropriately, and not allowing other addictions to grow out of control.

8. Pray without ceasing.

FYI.......I work in the pharmacy/health care field--thus know meds, suffered a horrible depression after my spouse died young and needed meds for balance and preservation, I've utilized a counselor, and I pray without ceasing.

[Snoopyloverny 3]

All said very well, completely agree and I'd the exact thong I was going to say !

[NJGirl32 43]

I am SO happy you kept us updated. I have actually been thinking about you recently and wondering how you made out.

You really can't control things beyond you-the only thing you truly have control over is your feelings and your actions. I know this must be a very sad and scary time for you. Please find a counselor that is a better fit for you because they all are NOT created equal. I am not sure if you are associated with a church or not, but if so you can request some counseling that route.

During this time you really need to think about you. He will need to work out his own kinks himself-no one, not even you can help him. I hope he is in counseling too. And depending on where you both are perhaps down the road you can see a counselor together. My hubby and I went to 6 sessions with a counselor and it really helped our marriage survive a very difficult time.

In the meantime keep busy as possible. Read some good books-go to the library. I read Eat, Love, Pray years ago and loved it and would recommend it.

The only thing I truly didn't understand was why he wouldn't tell you where he was living- why was he hiding this from you if he had nothing to hide? Has he told you yet?

I know you love him-love yourself more.

I truly pray and hope with time that this cloud is lifted from your heart.

I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason-even if we aren't sure what the reason is now.

Take care of yourself.

[klariade 7]

I think all you can do right now is be there for him and pray for him. It sounds like you still love each other and want to make this work, but you need to give it some time. Instead of going to a regular counselor, try seeking out a Christian counselor. My hubby and I had to meet with a Christian family therapist as part of our pre-marital counseling and it was wonderful. We weren't having any problems, just going through preparing for marriage, but it was very eye-opening and helped us understand ourselves and each other better. A Christian counselor will focus on how to bring you two back together, and bring in the spiritual aspect and help you two focus on God and the convenant you've made... instead of a secular counselor who questions why you are trying to make it work (not that all secular counselors are like that, I know some very good ones in fact). Try going on a marriage retreat, I've had some couples tell me it saved their marriage. I would also highly recommend you both watch the movie "Fireproof" together. Perhaps God is putting you through this to strengthen you (I know, crazy but it happens). My parents were on the verge of divorce several times, and somehow God made it work for them. They've been married 32 years and their marriage is now stronger than ever. Have faith and don't give up!

[rebecca1962j 0]

Hi Again...

Thank you so much for caring. I would have updated sooner if I could have figured out how to get back to my original post.

I went to New Hampshire and spent a week with my brother, his wife, and his two young children. I really enjoyed spending time with them. It was a chance to get away and focus on something different. I think that is what I really need to do.

I have no idea why he won't tell me where he is living. I got really upset after meeeting with that counselor last Tuesday. I don't see or talk to him every day. I did not hear from my husband at all on Tuesday, and when he called on Wednesday afternoon I had my phone on vibrate and did not answer. He came by really worried about me. I was just lying on the bed crying. He laid down beside me and was also upset. He has asked me to give him some time. I asked him if he was living with someone, and he said he swears he is not. I told him I do feel as if he has been emotionally unfaithful, but I asked him if he had had a physical affair. He swears he has not. I told him it really hurts me that he won't tell me where he lives, but he still will not. I guess if I really wanted to know I could have a friend follow him, but I don't want to do that. If I have to do that, it is truly over. He says he is trying to work things and it will take some time. I still feel so unsure of him and our relationship. How do I just wait? I am so lonely.... This all started in January. So far the year 2011 has not been a good one for me at all. I hope it gets better soon.

I do attend church, and have talked to my minister. He was very nice and would like for me to worry about myself more. I am trying. I have encouraged my husband to get some counseling, but he does not have a favorable view of them. When his first wife and he went to see a counselor when their son died of leukemia, the counselor suggested that God had taken their son to straighten out parts of their lives.....Big mistake. He is not open to couseling at all.

My husband did tell me that he has a futon couch and a flat screen T.V. that he bought and put in his apartment. I don't know why, but that bothers me. If he wanted a T.V, why not take one of the ones we already have? Is this a sign that he is making his own plans?

I don't expect an answer. Thanks so much for listening.

Rebecca