How Do the Guys Do It?????

[my_genre 0]

For all of the manly bandsters among us or those whose boyfriend or hubby has been banded, what was the breaking point that made the guys choose to be banded?

The reason I ask is I have suggested to my husband to think about having the procedure done and he wont even consider it. He acts as though it is a slap to his masculinity and while I continue to lose, he continues to gain. I am really worried about his health, he has a very high stress job in addition to the health risks he is submitting himself to by just being overweight. He keeps joking that he is finding all the weight I am losing....but what is not so funny...is there is some truth to that. I have put everyone here on a healthier diet, however I cannot control what he is eating on his commute to and from work or at work. He is an Executive Chef by the way. He knows he needs to lose, he states that repeatedly.

Any ideas?????

-Debra

[HeatherGurl 0]

My hubby refuses to lose or diet... because he thinks he is sexy how he is I agree.

He could stand to lose a little, but he has lost some since my surgery and he is feeling healthy.

There is no way my husband would ever have WLS... he just refuses it.

[vinesqueen 2]

My DH was the first to be banded between us. He was 600 pounds, and something had to give. He was either going to lose weight, or he was going to lose me.

It didn't come down to the point where I had to give him that ultimatum, but it was coming very close. I did tell him that I was considering leaving him because I couldn't watch him kill him self, the waiting for him to keel over dead was more than I could handle. He finally got the message, and started to research WLS and discovered the band, and the rest, as they say, is history. Or maybe it's ourstory.

[NJChick 3]

Debra, sounds like he is scared (and who can blame him). Its like the old saying, you can lead a horse to water............

[Apryl Showers 0]

My husband is the same way. When I first decided on surgery he was not supportive at all. He said it was the easy way out and why don't I just diet and exercise (duh...why didn't I think of that)?

When I had my surgery he said he was going to start a diet with me...maybe to prove he could do it on his own...(unlike me)...well I am sad to say that he has not been successful.

I really worry about him and when I try and discuss it with him he just brushes me off. I have asked him if he would have the surgery and he says he wouldn't even consider it. I don't know what to do...I try and prepare halthy meals and he complains. He refuses to eat anything but meat, potatoes and processed junk. He works very long hours (he owns his own business) so I don't really have any control over what he does during the day. He then comes home at 11 pm and eats KFC or McDonalds. I really fear for him.

We even joined the gym and whenever I try and get him to go he refuses. I don't know what else to do about him. He is only 33 but if he continues the way he is...he won't be around to see 50.

I don't know how to impress upon him the fact that he is slowly killing himself.

I don't have any ideas for you Debra but I feel for you.

["Just" Paul 1]

For me...

I couldn't walk more than a few feet, couldn't sleep well, could not stop sweating, had nothing to wear that felt good (or looked good)... and finally was kicked out of the room due to snoring (never had snored in my life).

Went for a physical, and the doc asked me if I was prepared to die, because I was on the way.

Sometimes it takes a big shock to get the ball rolling. Death was mine.

[CCBSTX 0]

It sometimes takes folks to be "sick of being fat." That was for me. Shawn

[Apryl Showers 0]

I hear my husband saying those things but I suppose he needs to reach his conclusions the same way I reached mine.

[Wheetsin 714]

Banded Nov. 17, 2005

83 down, 99 to go

You have lost 83# in 2.5 months?!? That's frippin' amazing! Congratulations!

[Apryl Showers 0]

Wow...that is amazing!

[SuperDaddy! 1]

You know, for me...it was a three reasons: Gracie, Duncan, and Brenen. Those are the three sweetest kids in the world! I was sick and tired of being sick and tired...I wanted to feel good about how I looked, but mostly I wanted to be a daddy for a long long time.

I think that it is part of our society norms that stop guys. I was a big, funny guy in school, even through college. There is a social acceptance of big guys that will never have equity with women. When women are overweight, I can see clearly even in my third grade class that I teach that girls are looked at in a totally different, negative way. In almost every society there is a higher value on the appearance of women as opposed to men. Watch the TV, read a paper, go to a pageant...you'll see it everwhere. The reverse is true for men, to some extent. We are given social acceptance (to a certain degree) to be average, but we place such high value on appearance to women. So...I think until there is a crisis of some sort, many men feel little obligation to take such an extreme measure.

My dad just kind of laughed when I told him, like it was a big joke. He saw no need because "YOU'RE NOT THAT FAT, LIKE OTHER REALLY BIG PEOPLE"! I suppose a real man makes decisons based on what's best for them and their family...and the rest let society decide for them.

Jon

[Mikey 0]

*Warning!! Long post ahead!!*

At the risk of getting shot down - crashing and burning into a molten pool of flames, testosterone, and nachos - I have to say that it's an uphill battle.

The fact is, it's tough to be a guy. Don't get me wrong - it's WAY tougher to be a woman. We men don't have to worry about things like carrying babies to term in our bellies (which, by the way, ours look like rock hard abs when we look in the mirror), or getting paid less than 80 cents for every dollar some schmuck with a comb-over gets for the same job, or dating men (here I'm speaking stictly on behalf of those of us whose mountains AREN'T brokebacked)...

However, just because it's certainly not easy for you doesn't mean it's a breeze for us. The fact is, we men have amazing mutant superpowers. Unfortunately, one of those superpowers is denial. Another is rebellion. Yes, I might have to surrender my secret decoder ring and membership to the Guy Club, but I feel called to tell you all the truth.

There are a lot of steps that we have to take before we are ready to make any large - although necessary - changes.

I've been pretty heavy since adolescence. When I graduated high school, I was around 250, and for the next 20 years I have gained pretty steadily. Right after New Years, I went in for my initial consultation for the Band, and I was at 515.

Did I just suddenly snap out of an evil hex, look in the mirror, and realize "Hey, I might have a little problem here!"? Like maybe if I were still at, say, 485, I'd never have decided to go for the Band-age?

No. There were a lot of steps - some small, and some large, but there were a lot. There had to be a lot in order to counteract amazing mutant superpower # 1. My denial was (and probably still is, but we're not going to ask my wife Janet to confirm this, now, are we?) spectacular. You've heard the cliché before - but it's true. I really could look in the mirror and say "not bad." Seriously. Sure, I'm 6'5", so 500-ish pounds might look a little better on me than it might on some others... but it's still 500 pounds!!

And then, if someone managed to crack through the denial, then there was amazing mutant superpower # 2: rebellion. One of the 'truths' that I grew up believing was that when I was an adult, I didn't have to do anything I didn't want to do. I suppose that I still believe that, to a certain extent (again, we're not asking Janet). However, I do now recognize that the ability to do what I want does not make me immune to the law of consequences. The point is that no one could 'make me' decide to lose weight - and there was a possibility that any effort along those lines could conceivably push me to gain even more just for spite.

And then, if someone was able to skillfully beat both the denial and the rebellion, I'd pull out the Secret Weapon... amazing mutant superpower # 3... I'd be reasonable. Does this sound familiar?

"I know it's a problem, and I know that I should do something about it. When I'm finally ready, I will."

HAHA!! I'd deliver the blow, leaving the poor person lying in the fetal position on the floor, writhing in the crushing grip of reason, and I'd head off to the buffet gleefully. NONE could stand against me!!!

Still, I'm having surgery on Feb. 13. How did I get there? It's a little hard to explain, but I'll try.

Love.

Over the 20+ years of my obesity, just like everyone else, I did the yo-yo dieting thing. And, just like everyone else, when the weight came back, it was a bit more than before. Once I got married, we tried as a couple to get a handle on things. We actually had quite a bit of success with Atkins - and we tried a few other things: ordering groceries delivered to us (so we could shop from home without risking sensory overload and impulse buying); having a chef-nutritionist cook and deliver meals to us, etc.

Through it all I never really descended into the depths of despair - for reasons that are long and involved and probably for another thread - but I did eventually get to the point where I was starting to believe that it was never going to end. I was always going to be obese - and I had started to come to terms with that, in between battles with amazing mutant superpower # 1.

However, there was another element that hadn't always been there. Yep - you guessed it. Janet. First, I realized that coming to terms with always being obese meant that I was dooming her to always having an obese husband. Ok, that hurt. Secondly, I realized that she was starting to be in the same boat as me: she was starting to throw in her resignation as well. Partially because of me (yes, I'm saying partially because I know that these issues are complex, and I am not ultimately responsible for her decisions), she was going to give up. And she wasn't just giving up on her own weight loss. She was giving up on a lot more - her dreams of being a mom (our weight has made parenthood impossible for us up to this point), her dreams of having an active married life, and - dare I say it, her dreams of having a hunk for a hubby!

That hurt even more.

I don't know if I can honestly say that WLS is our absolute and final last chance for happiness. But I do know that it's an amazing tool that will have a SPECTACULAR impact on our lives.

Now... for the hard part. How do you get your husband to arrive at these same conclusions?

Unfortunately, you probably can't. You know the joke - how many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb?

Still, you can help. Encouraging positive choices (which is NOT the same as harping on the negative choices!!!), discussing your dreams, gentle education, maybe show him this thread (don't worry - my address isn't on here, so he can't come after my decoder ring!)...

So - bottom line - love conquers all. The punchline to the joke: Only one, but it has to really want to change... I'm praying that the guys mentioned in this thread will get to the point where they want to change as well.

[Monica S 1]

Mikey, your response was so awesome. Thank you for sharing your personal journey.

I have to agree with Mikey in that you can't change anyone else but yourself, and someone has to be ready to change in order to be successful.

There is a field in psychology called "motivational enhancement" or "motivational interviewing" that was designed to help alcoholics who don't want to stop drinking. I think it could be applied to addictions of all sorts, including food. There is a book by William Miller called Motivational Interviewing where he describes how to do it and how it works. You might want to check it out. It basically describes what happens when you reinforce change talk.

For example, if your hubby says "I'm thinking about exercising" you would positively reinforce that, but if he says "I don't ever want to change" you just ignore him. Somehow, by selectively reinforcing positive change talk, the person starts to believe that thinking positively will be reinforcing. And we all know where positive thoughts lead...positive action.

But nothing will ever top loving support and unconditional love.

[Wheetsin 714]

Tell him that his belly is getting in the way of being able to eh... play his flute, and you might have to give up the music lessons. I bet the pounds fly off!

My DH is 6'5 and has settled in with a nice pot belly & love handles at 250. I love every inch of him. He went on semi-Atkins for 2 months and dropped down to 220, which is pretty lean for him. At 220 he's in a 36 waist pant. There's just something about low carb and guys. I was part of an Atkins messageboard for the full 16 mos that I followed the program, and I can tell you that every single guy on there lost an amazing amount of weight, most of them lost well over 100# within a year. Now if he's a yo-yo dieter, maybe not the right solution. But if this is his first try, and he has the willpower to keep the equilibrium once he can shed some pounds, it could be a good option for him to try. To show him he can lose weight, if nothing else.

[Apryl Showers 0]

LOL...that would certainly hit home for my hubby!