best friend upset because I didn't tell her I was banded

[dramastarr 9]

Ok, I got banded in October. I just told my best friend about it a month ago. She is now not talking to me she says she is hurt cause I didn't tell her. I didn't tell her because she talked about one of her other friends that had the surgery negatively. So why would I tell her? She may not know it but she was one of the reasons why it took me so long to get the surgery in the first place listening to her. I could kick myself right now, sometimes I see how happy I am and say to myself "Damn I should have done this years ago." But listening to her I didn't. Now she says that I was wrong for not telling her. I think she is a tiny bit jealous, we were both big girls and now I not so big anymore. Have I gotten a big head about this? Or why should I even feel bad, I mean its not like I stole something from her, sleep with her man, or even endangered her life. I did something to myself, me. If I got a tatoo and didn't tell her would it be different, I mean they are permanent too.

[jen120 23]

I'll be honest, if I was your best friend I would be hurt. I am sure the main reason she is upset is that she feels that you didn't trust her enough to be supportive or to share a very major event of your life with her. You might think she may not have been supportive, but you never even gave her a chance.

She may have had an opinion about the surgery, but it was you that allowed yourself to be influenced by her opinion.

I had a best friend that did something very similar (she withheld a significant event) and I was crushed and deeply hurt. Granted, everyone is entitled to their own life and can do what they want, but when you share everything with a best friend and then all of a sudden dont, it can be very hurtful. Truthfully, our friendship went downhill from that moment and never recovered. So maybe I am a bit biased...I'm sure you'll get a lot of responses who feel it was your right not to tell.

[dramastarr 9]

Thanks for sharing that with me. I now see that I could have been wrong in a sense. However, you didn't hear all her comments about surgery. I may have been wrong for not telling her, but at first she acting like things were ok with us. She even came over to my house and had drinks because she had no money to buy drinks one night and then after that she stop calling me. Before that she called and pretended to just want to have our usual girl talk on the phone, but then later she sent a text because she needed to borrow something. If she was hurt and pissed just leave me alone all together, don't come around when there is something you want and then when you get it or don't need it anymore remember that I hurt you because I didn't tell you.

[vlp1968 83]

Honestly, I think a true friend would understand you not wanting to tell her, especially since she talked negatively about the band. If she is a true friend, she will come around. I think it's not ok for her to be in touch only when she wants something from you. That's not what friendship is about. Hope you guys can work it out.

[Cindy C 150]

I can't imagine keeping something that big from my best friend. We tell each other absolutely everything. Hopefully you can repair your friendship. I think you need to apologize to her for not trusting her to be supportive. And I would do so without mentioning her attitude toward someone else having it done. That person wasn't her best friend..you are and her attitude may have been different!

[dfav3412 116]

She is hurt because she thought she was your best friend and best friends generally share everything. Be honest with her, tell her without being overly critical that you didn't want to tell her because you knew how she felt about weight loss surgery from her comments in the past. Tell her you are sorry that she feels hurt then move on. Either she will move on with you or without you but it is what it is.

[Rachel412 116]

I see why she's hurt, but I also see why you didn't tell her. Maybe you can write her an email and lay it out for her- tell her exactly why you didn't tell her- but don't blame her for anything. I hope you guys can move past this.

[indigostorm 4]

This woman is your best friend? Really? Maybe I am judging without all the facts, but from what I read in your post she seems judgmental, negative, manipulative and just a plain old user. She only calls or comes over when she is broke or wants something from you. Do you really need that kind of nastiness? You deserve to have a friend who loves and supports you NO MATTER WHAT! Isn't that what friends are supposed to do? Isn't that the kind of friend you are to her? Maybe, this is just who she is and she isn't capable of being supportive or even respectful. (She may have BFF status, but you still have a right to medical privacy). If that is the case, please do yourself a favor and let her go gently out of your life and find a friend who will be as good a friend to you as you will be to her.

Best of Luck!

Indigostorm

[54Shirley 105]

If she is to Juvenile to even talk to you, then that tells me that she might be your best friend,,,, but are you truly hers? Friends are Friends for life. Even when you get Married, you still keep in contact.

I have a very good friend who lives in Florida. We went to Junior High together in Michigan. We have partied, Gone to Mardi Gras and we went our own ways. Every Christmas she would wright me a letter, and I would respond. But she was a mother of Twins, was running a Business, and had a Husband in her life. So, I took a back seat, while I ran my life also.

While in Michigan one time . She even stopped in to introduce everyone to me, and I did the same for her. But we were "TIGHT" with each other, and never lost contact, even to this day.

She has a life, and hopefully makes the right decisions on some things. The same goes for me.. She has a open invitation here, and I have one in Florida. We are true Friends.

If she has something done to her "Medically" I just ask are you doin O.K. ? Then she'll tell me. It's not up to me to get ^issed off because she is trying to help herself. That's childish !

But not staying friends or talking about it, is even more childish.

She could learn a few things from you, that might help her out too...

Give her time to lick her wounds, and heel ! If she doesn't come back to talking to you??? Then I guess in her eyes your not best friends, and you will have to deal with that. But give it some time, and just go on living your life..

Also I See I got a response to my posting about the Capri's!

Click on it and you will find a response from a lady who is going to rely on her friend for cloths. You need to read the whole thing though.

Now that is Friendship !

My true friend,, we Internet or phone. But we are in touch.

[SumthinsGottaGive 35]

I just posted the same thing under your response to my topic, but I wanted to post it here too.

Ok..here's my two cents.. I'm pretty much in the same boat w/you. I have not been banded yet..but am debating as to whether or not to tell my two best friends. I hadn't planned on telling anyone outside of the family..but I told 4 people outside that I knew would support me. I have no reason to think they wouldn't support me, but I'm not sure. Both of them are smaller...one has always been smaller and the other worked very hard to get smaller (though we're not exactly on speaking terms right now for something else).

I keep thinking about what they would say if I had the procedure done and hadn't told them before hand. Knowing them, they would want to be there and support me in it..so I'm thinking I'll probably end up telling them. However, in your situation, you have a friend that has pretty much made her stand on the topic pretty obvious. Should you have given her the benefit of doubt? I'm not so sure. This is a very sensitive time in your life..this journey is not an easy one..and you don't need it made any harder by undue stress and tension or hurtful discouraging remarks. I have intentionally only told people that I know would support me..because once I get started I'm going to need people I know are in my corner.

The toughest person to tell, for me, was my mother. She can be pretty *opinionated*.. and I thought about going through it without telling her as well..but I decided to give her the benefit of doubt because we're so close and I really want her support. So I chanced her knowing and not giving me that and it turned out great. She was very supportive and even found my surgeon for me. But I had to be so sure that this was something I was going to do that her reaction to my decision didn't sway me. Just so happens, it was a good reaction.. to something she, under normal circumstances and with anyone else but her daughter, would have probably been against. Some times it takes someone you really care about going down a road you may be against to open your eyes. Therefore, I can see your friends objection.. in her eyes it may look like you didn't give her a chance to be there for you. But through your eyes, she had already been very negative with regards to someone else and their procedure.. through both eyes I can see the logic... BUT .. if I were your friend, I think I would have to understand your reservations of not telling me. As negative and verbal as you say she's been about lap band, I don't know that I would have told her either.

My point is: it's over. You've already gone through the procedure and are well on your way. There's nothing you can do about not telling her now but apologize and hope that she sees why you didn't tell her. And if she's not a big enough person to see your side of things, then hopefully it's not something that will throw the friendship away. If she decides to throw it away over that, then perhaps she wasn't a true friend to begin with.

I hope everything works out hun! And ALL the best on your journey!

[gcmy 5]

In my opinion, this person is NOT your friend. This goes hand in hand with the thread on jealousy from SumthinsGottaGive. Everyone who pretends to be your friend is not. The sooner you realize this, the better off you'll be. You postponed doing something for your health and happiness because of the actions/opinions of someone else. "People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person."

[NJGirl32 43]

I didn't tell my BF either. Weeks prior to surgery I told her it was something I was seriously considering. SHe didn't know what the lapband was and I gave her some ino. She never ever mentioned another word about it and neither did I.

Will I tell her someday? Probably.

Dod we have to tell our BFs everything? Maybe that;s something we did when we were in our teens, but I don't think it's necessary as we grow older. Does that make us lesss close? Absolutely not! I think her son is on meds for ADHD and she opted notto tell anyone, but I understand.

I don't think you owe her an apology especially since she was so negative. With that being said, I do think it would be good to clear the air and move on. Friends are hard to come by and perhaps through your surgery she will have a completely different outlook on being banded. Maybe you'll even inspire her to get the band!!!

Next time she wants to borrow something or needs something simply say "Before I say yes I need to make sure we are good about the surgery. It was never ever my intention to make you feel hurt. I was ready to share my choice back then, but I am now. Can we move forward?" See what her response is.

[dramastarr 9]

Thanks guys for all the advice. Yes, I should have given her the benefit of the dought, but I know my friend. I have already apologized several different times about not telling her. I could sleep at all last night about it. Then I started to think of all the time she did things that made me question our friendship. I still forgave her and moved on, so if she does not forgive me I guess our season iss up. I myself don't see what the major big deal is because I would move on, I didn't get pissed when she didn't tell me that she came into some money a few months ago, she has to understand what I did to myself was my business at the time until I was ready. I feel like sometimes people only like you better when your down, I refuse to apologize forn upgrading myself.

[54Shirley 105]

You owe no apology at all ! Would you rather be ill in your life...

She needs to grow up, and if you need to move on,,, then you will. She will come to you when she's probably down, and out.

You already see the difference, So even if she apologized, do you think you would still be true friends????

That knife in the back hurts. Just remember that knife can cut her own throat someday.

You should have kept it a secret "that's why they call it that, your never suppose to tell anyone."

Anyway,,, you see the true outcome.

Were here for you too ya know ! So keep that in mind.

Shirley.

[Sistersue 12]

She might also have beating herself up all this time wondering she couldn't do what you had done. Maybe I'm weird but when someone especially someone with weight problem notices I've lost weight I tell them I have a band. I'm not embarrassed by it. I am not doing anything wrong by getting it. So far only one person said anything negative and that was just that she would never do it. Everyone else has been wonderful. Most people just want more information about doing it. I would love it if someone came to and said they got the band because of me. I would feel saved a life.