Relationship Confusion

[rebecca1962j 0]

I had my lap band surgery two years ago this August. I have not been as successful as I would have liked, but I have lost almost 100 pounds. I still have 150 to go to meet my goal. I am glad I had it done, but things are so confusing right now in my personal life.

I am having a hard time right now because my husband of 12 years moved out on May 19th. He turned 50 in January, and I don't know what has happened. My husband started acting different and is not himself at all. I know he has developed a good friendship with a girl at work, and that he has talked to her a lot. He told me in January he wanted to leave, moved into the other room for a few days, then moved back. He did this again in February. In March, he went to see a counselor for one time and came back saying he didn't know what he was thinking. He apologized for hurting me and talking to the other friend, but said it was nothing romantic at all. He seemed okay for a couple of months. In May, he told me he had decided that the counselor was a hypocrit and nothing she said made sense. He told me early one morning that he was moving out and when I got home from work all of his things were gone. He sent me a text. He comes by to see me or calls to check on me every few days. He says he is very depressed and has been unwilling to seek help. He says he loves me, but doesn't know what is wrong with his mind. I don't know what to do. I am very unhappy in this limbo situation, but I feel that things can never be the same. I love him, but I no longer trust that he will always be here for me. I want things to work out for us, because I believe marriage is a committment and that anything can be worked out if both people care enough. Right now, he doesn't care enough.

I have not gained any weight, but it is because I have been working hard to exercise. In the last two months, I have lost about 30 pounds through exercise and probably the stress.

Any advice? Has anyone gone through something similar? I am a good person, a Christian, and I want us both to be happy. I just needed to tell all of this to a friend. Thanks for listening.

[Memzzie 0]

Hi Rebecca,

I just wanted to say that I am so sorry for what you're going through! I have no advise or anything to offer except to say that I will pray for you! Draw near to God, He will help you through this!

Melissa

[rebecca1962j 0]

Hi Rebecca,

I just wanted to say that I am so sorry for what you're going through! I have no advise or anything to offer except to say that I will pray for you! Draw near to God, He will help you through this!

Melissa

Thanks so much, Melissa. I can use all the prayers offered.

[jen120 23]

Rebecca,

So sorry you are going through this. Here is my advice for what its worth.

1) Based on the little you have said, he seems like he is clinically depressed and most likely needs medication. If he is already on anti-depressants then he needs to up the dose or switch medication. It is not an exact science, I've been on 7 different meds to find the perfect combination that works for me.

2) Communication is the key. What does he want? Does he want a divorce? Does he want to see other people? Are there things in your relationship that need to be fixed? Does he want to work on improving his own mind and your relationship? Does he just want to bury his head in the sand and hope everything magically gets better? If he says "I dont know"...that is not an acceptable answer. What do you want? What are your needs in the relationship?

3) I would definitely encourage couple's counseling as well as individual counseling for both of you. I know this may be a hard sell given his recent distaste for therapy, but if you are going to make this work, it is vital.

4) OK...here is a little tough love and I'm giving you the advice I would give my best friend. You must take control of the relationship. I know you are hurt and confused about what is going on. But you cannot be sitting around waiting for him. Give him a deadline (Jan 2012) to figure out how he wants to move forward. In that time frame you can also figure out what you want. You cannot just take him back when he decides he' done playing single guy. If you want to make it work and he does too...you have to develop a plan together that takes into account what you both need. He doesnt move back until he is ready to commit to hard work and fixing the relationship. In my opinion, he needs to prove to you that he is worthy of your love, care and affection...not the other way around. If he still cant figure out a plan then its time to move on.

Good luck...if you need a friend to talk to I'll be happy to listen.

[rebecca1962j 0]

Jeannette,

Thanks so much for replying. I absolutely agree with everything you have said. I have been waiting and living in limbo a little too long. I have asked him what he wants, and he doesn't have a clue. I think he truly does want to bury his head in the sand. I see him once or twice a week for just a few minutes, and in two months he hasn't spent more than five mintues talking to me about something other than chit-chat. He is not at a place right now where he will discuss anything. He just wants to live in his little apartment where I can't find him and go back and forth to work. He spends all weekend riding his motorcyle, according to him, but who knows? He also says he talks to his female friend from work, and I know they have met four or five times to go walking. It really hurts that she has been to his apartment when he won't even tell me where it is. I feel betrayed....

I do love him, but I don't know this person at all. Where did the man I love go? He has never been on any medications for depression, but does have rheumotoid arthritis and is on major medications for that. Thanks so much for responding...at least now I feel like someone is finally listening. Have a great night, and I will keep you updated!

Rebecca

[mark hill 3]

Rebecca,

May i speak from a mans point of view. AT his age of 50 he is probably going through a midlife crisis , he is douting his secess in life, his work,. his marriage his sexuality. What did i accomplish in my life? is my life meaningful? He may be insecure your losing weight and changing with out him.

Men get bored very easily. They want something new someone new to talk too , fantasy. It was a mistake to see w woman Psy because she cant know what a man goes through he should see a man.

The problem probably is bordem or he does not love you anymore, i would say give him time if he wants it not set a date or an ultimatum yet. Men HATE That, and if he is not willing budge or try and fix the problem then you have to figure out if its worth it to stay, i assume you are around his age.

Men have a hard time talking about their feelings. So its like pulling teeth.

You have to question your self to arw you contributing to his restlessness, did you let your self go , do you dress like a house maid, do you ware makeup and perfume , do you try new things for sex. YOu and the man as well have to alwasy try new things to keep the marriage fresh, take a vacation, romantic dinner or walks ?

I am bored in my marriage but i stay because of the kids and 16 yrs of marriage. I am 52 so i understand the restlessness at this age.

You will know when it is over, no one can tell you but you. I tell my wife if you want to talk to me talk to me but don't nag or my ears close.

Hope this helps you understand the other side.