Marriage Relationship

[rebecca1962j 0]

I had my lap band surgery two years ago this August. I have not been as successful as I would have liked, but I have lost almost 100 pounds. I still have 150 to go to meet my goal.

I am having a hard time right now because my husband of 12 years moved out on May 19th. He turned 50 in January, and I don't know what has happened. I know he has developed a good friendship with a girl at work, and that he has talked to her a lot. He told me in January he wanted to leave, moved into the other room for a few days, then moved back. He did this again in February. In March, he went to see a counselor for one time and came back saying he didn't know what he was thinking. He apologized for hurting me and talking to the other friend. He seemed okay for a couple of months. In May, he told me he had decided that the counselor was a hypocrit and nothings she said made sense. He told me early one morning that he was moving out and when I got home from work all of his things were gone. He sent me a text. He comes by to see me or calls to check on me every few days. He says he is very depressed and has been unwilling to seek help. He says he loves me, but doesn't know what is wrong with his mind. I don't know what to do. I am very unhappy in this limbo situation, but I feel that things can never be the same. I love him, but I no longer trust that he will always be here for me. I want things to work out for us, because I believe marriage is a committment and that anything can be worked out if both people care enough. Right now, he doesn't care enough.

I have not gained any weight, but it is because I have been working hard to exerise. In the last two months, I have lost about 30 pounds through exercise and probably the stress.

Any advice? Has anyone gone through something similar? I just needed to tell all of this to a friend. Thanks for listening.

[NJGirl32 43]

I am so sorry to here this, you must be going through a terrible time.

I learned a long time ago that the only things you really have control of is your feelings and your choices. He is a grown man and he and he alone is responsible for the choices he makes and the consequences of those choices. Seems like he is going through his own midlife crisis.

Right now it seems that you both need to step away from the situation completely and give some distance and time to it. This means not seeing each other at all. When you see each others it confuses things and stirs up old emotions. You need to think what you want in your life and at this point your husband is in no mind set to help. He has gone back and forth in his decision making, but where are you in this process? What about your needs? I really advise you to seek counseling if you can afford it. After you have a good grasp on what your needs are maybe then you both can go for some joint counseling.

I have seen marriages overcome fidelity issues but it does require a commitment on both sides.

You are an amazing woman and you have come so far with your struggle with weight. Don't let this ruin all your hard work-don't let him take that away from you, it's yours, you worked for it and you own it!

I wish you luck on your journey and we are here for you!

[TerriF 9]

I agree you need to step back and maybe get a good marriage counselor for yourself. Someone impartial you can talk to and can help guide you through this situation.

I think your weightloss has been great and being able to maintain when everything seems upside down is incredible.

[TerriF 9]

I would go alone to a counselor before I would let my husband get involved so you have a idea of what the counselor thinks of what your husband is doing.

[rebecca1962j 0]

Thanks so much to those of you who responded. I do have an appointment with a counselor, but it isn't until late in July. It takes so long to get an appointment.

My husband is so mixed up right now. When we first separated, I did not contact him at all for about three weeks, but he would come by and see me or call me every few days to see how I was doing. He has been having panic attacks as well, and sometimes he would call me three times in just a few minutes to make sure I am okay. I love him with all my heart, but I know this has really hurt our relationship. It will never be like it was before. I hope he will go get some help for himself, but I can't make him do that.

I don't think he is having an affair yet, but I think it could easily happen. Unmarried, willing female friend and lonely, separated man are a little dangerous to put together. The one thing that really hurts my feelings is that he won't tell me where he is living. I asked him why, and he said he was afraid I would go there and make a scene. In 13 years with him, I have never done anything to embarass him in public, so this doesn't make much sense to me. I asked him who knew where he lives, and he said all the people in the office at work. I asked if the girl he talks to had been there, and he said yes. He doesn't understand why that bothers me. He says they have gone walking four or five times in the last six weeks. Seems pretty strange to me....she is more trusted than I am.

Kind of ironic that so many people who go through weight loss surgery wind up separated or divorced. I don't think my weight had anything to do with this, but who knows. He keeps telling me it is not me, I am wonderful....wish I felt wonderful.

Thanks for caring!

[TerriF 9]

Along with the counselor I would see a lawyer just to know your rights. You need to protect yourself mentally as well as financially. Not telling you where he is living would be a red flag. If he is living alone why would he worry about you causing a scene?

Eventually you will become fed up and move on and he won't know what hit him. When my husband thought the grass was greener on the other side and I was so upset, he loved that. When I stopped caring things weren't so rosy then. I will never look at him the same ever again. Trust is a hard thing to give once broken!!!

[NJGirl32 43]

Oh Girl...there are some big flags going up in this relationship!! The fact that he won't tell you where he is living is the biggest one. My thinking is either he has her over a lot and doesn't want you unexpectantly popping in OR he is living with her.

The fact that he called you several times and is having panic attacks could all be related to guilt. He wants you to console him. I agree that you MUST seel legal advise. When my 1st husband and I separated I never dreamed in a million years he would clean out my bank account, but he did!! If you have joint credit cards they must also be stopped today! Please see a lawyer and get the ball rolling. It takes a while for a divorce and you need to save your credit immediately-please do this now. Don't make the mistake I made-I was so trusting. It's been 11 years and I am still trying to clear up my credit. I know it's tough because you love him, but love isn't selfish and he is being selfish and playing mind games with you.

Be strong and think with your head, not your heart. Don't wait around for him to make up his mind with what he wants. Truthfully, if it were me I would have to follow him home from work (or have a friend do it) just to see where he lives-he is hiding something.

Stay strong and be smart-seek legal advice-most lawyers will give you a free consult. Please keep us posted on how you are doing!

[rebecca1962j 0]

Hi there...

Thanks so much for responding, NJGirl32. It is nice just to know someone somewhere is listening and cares. I spend way too much time thinking about all this.

One of the problems is that I am a teacher and my summer break still has a month to go. It has been very hard being all alone here, but I am coping. We had planned to paint the house this spring, so after he left I just started on my own. I would say I have done about 80%, and he is coming different afternoons and finishing the things I couldn't reach. We are almost done completely. I also painted both sheds and the under part of the house, along with treating the decks with Thompson's Water seal. I have been a busy girl....

Don't worry about finances. This was a second marriage for us both, and I had such a bad experience the first time that we don't have many things together. I am in the house and paying all those bills. He is living somewhere else and paying all his bills. We do not have any joint credit. My car is paid for and in my name only. I paid for our car insurance, and he gave me his half. So far, so good.

I am sure you are probably right about someone else. I can't believe he would do that, but he probably is. Whenever men are unhappy, they need for someone else to make part of them happy, if you know what I mean.

This is complicated. He came by first thing this morning just to see me and give me a hug. He came this afternoon and painted, but I stayed in the house. He gave me a kiss on the head on the way out the door. I am taking an airplane on Wednesday to go and see my brother and sister in law in New Hampshire, and I am looking forward to getting away from here.

Thanks for listening and the great advice. I have a counseling appointment later this month, but it is nice to have someone to talk to right now. Keep the faith, and I will keep you posted. If you are a believer, say a little prayer for me as well.

Rebecca

[NJGirl32 43]

Rebecca, I am a beliver and will keep you in my prayers!

I am also a teacher too!!

I still hate that he is giving you mixed messages like coming around and kissing you on your forhead etc. That is really good about handling the finances-good for you-but still be cautious!

I know what you mean about thinking about things constantly. I had some marriage trouble early on and I could do nothing but think about everything. I think that's absolutely normal. It will do you the world of good to get away and spend some time with family! Does your family know about the situation? It might help to confide in them so they can offer support and another perspective.

PS- I am impressive my your painting energy!! I have so much painting to do but I can't get motivated!

Please keep in touch!

[Debora Anne 3]

So sorry to hear about your husband issues- without going into detail (long story) I had the same issues with my first husband - never shared anything with me - where he went - who he was with- blah blah out all night but NEVER with a woman -- he went so far as to tell me I needed to see a psychiatrist because my mind was playing tricks on me etc etc.....Every once in a while he would make me feel important to him and then back to same okd self...After 15years I told him I was leaving -- till the day I moved out he did not beleive me ..........I went to counsleing myself to assure myself I was not psychotic~ After I left him he decided marriage counseling would work for him......When we went to marriage counseling I realized I no longer LIKED this man I married and I was worth more than he was making me feel.....

My point being you love him but he is not being honest and that means something I would have to agree witht he above there is definitly someone else and it is more than walking a few nights a week .....

Take care of yourself right now and let hom know he cannot keep coming around and calling you UNLESS he is ready to work on your committment

Glad you ahve an appointment with the counselor hope all works out for you

[rebecca1962j 0]

Thanks so much for responding. The last two months of my life have been very hard and I don't know how I have survived. I wish I could feel like he does so that it wouldn't bother me so much....

A few days ago I met with our minister for an hour and a half. He didn't really advise me, but he really made me think about things. He also wonders why my husband is so secretive about where he is living. The most profound thing he said was that the person with the least interest in a relationship is the person with the most control over it. That made a lot of sense to me. I wish sometimes I didn't really care. Then I feel I would have choices. I can't change who I am, but I can work on myself and make sure I am okay. That is all I have control of anyway.

My sister-in-law and brother do know about my situation. I had called her when it first happened. She is just finishing her residency as a psychiatrist, and although her speciality is children, she has a lot of insight into this situation. It really bothers her how I am being jerked around by him stopping by and calling whenever he wants. I am glad he is going to take care of our kitty while I am gone, so at least he will be checking on the house and making sure things are okay. I do trust him in a lot of areas, but I don't think I trust him with my heart anymore. My minister also said that he worries when he does come back, and he thinks he might, that I will be strong enough to do what is right for me. I hope so. I am not as sure he will ever come back. I know things can never be the same again, and that hurts. I feel like he has thrown me and our marriage away.

Thanks for taking time to write me back. I really have looked forward to checking these last two days. It has helped a lot!

Have a great day!

Rebecca

[agmg2011 0]

Your story sounds so much like mine over 7 years ago. I tell you my story below so you know that I can relate. Please don't think that I am saying this is really what is happening to you. I, of course, have no idea. I just remember how I felt at the time and wished that someone understood what I was going through.

I was married for 10 years. About year 8, my husband became friends with a girl that he worked with. At first he told me about some of the things they talked about and about how she just needed someone to talk to because her life was a mess. I kept hearing rumors of them being together, but he denied that there was anything going on. I had no proof, but I became very suspicious, and that caused a lot of problems between us. Each time some suspicious thing happened, he had a way of making me feel stupid for even thinking that something might be wrong, like I was going crazy. As things got worse, I moved out for a while to give him some space. I was the main one taking care of the house and bills, but I was afraid if I made him leave, he would move in with her. For the months that I lived with my parents, I started counseling, but he would never go with me. Also, there was no effort on his part at all to try to work on the marriage. Eventually, I went back home. I told him that he could stay or go, but if he stayed we had to make a plan to work on our marriage. Within days he was gone. My husband also refused to tell me where he was living saying he didn't know what I would do. Finally, I had a girl friend that promised never to tell me anything unless she witnessed it with her own eyes. She told me he was living with her. He continued to deny it for a while, but I eventually knew for sure. They now have 3 kids one of which was conceived before we got divorced.

I hope this isn't the case with your husband, but I don't want you to be misled as long as I was. I am to the point now that I can thank God for what I went through because it has made me the person I am today. I got involved in a ministry called Celebrate Recovery where I now facilitate a class for women struggling with all kinds of things including things like this. I truly believe that God can heal marriages and restore trust (I have seen it happen), but in may case, my husband was not willing to try. I have a better relationship with God and now have an amazing godly husband who prays for me daily. Our marriage is so different that what I had before and that difference is God is at the center of our marriage.

My advice is to use this time to take care of you...go to counseling, get healthier, etc. Also, pray for God to show you the truth about your marriage and what you should do. Please feel free to message me or email me if you need someone to talk to who has been there.

[rebecca1962j 0]

Thanks so much for sharing what happened to you. I have no idea if something similar is happening to me right now or not. If he is living with her, he is very bold. His boss and everyone who works in the office with him knows where he is living, so that could be.

Tomorrow I leave for a week to visit my brother and his wife in New Hampshire. I am a little bit scared. My husband came yesterday to paint and said that he knew I must be getting excited about my trip. Yes, I am glad I am going, but there is no way I would be going if things were still right between us. I would rather be staying home, working on a project on the house with him or taking that vacation to New Orleans we planned. I can't afford to go anywhere right now, so my brother and his wife bought me a ticket to come and visit them. I am looking forward to seeing them and getting away from all the stress here, but I am afraid it will go with me.

Thanks so much for sharing.....

I will continue to pray and wait, being careful to watch out for myself along the way. God bless!

Rebecca

[bentonhuey 1]

Rebecca,

Your story has touched my heart. Please know I am thinking of and praying for you. I hope your trip went well and you are doing well.

Amanda

[Peps 1]

Hi Rebecca,

I, too, am a Christian and am praying for you as you have to go through this ordeal. It sounds like your pastor had some very good advice and things to think about. I am very fortunate that I have been married for 39 yrs. to a Godly man, so I can't imagine how it must be. I will continue to pray for you and that God's will will be done here. Only He knows what's best for you, and in His time, you will know, too. Take care.

Peg