Psychological problems

[blackcherry2002 5]

I guess I didn't know what else to call this and I'm sure I might have posted a related post quite awhile ago. However, here I am again and I'd like some thoughts from people who understand where I'm coming from.

I'm 21 years old. I had surgery almost 3 years ago. I went from 270 lbs to 125 lbs. I feel healthier than I have ever felt, but I'm miserable. I'm getting asked out all the time by guys and it would be great if I could get excited about it. But with each one I just get more depressed. Thing is I look normal...maybe even good...with my clothes on, but when they are off it's a whole different story. I can't afford surgery and have been trying to get my insurance to cover a Tummy Tuck but I feel that'll take a lot of appeals and maybe a doctor that doesn't have their head up their ass. It's especially depressing because most of my problems stemmed from extreme rapid weight gain that caused deep purple stretch marks all over my body. Thank you thyroid and PCOS. Now I just have to find a doctor who will stand by me when I say it was the thyroid. Anyway.

So basically, I know that these guys would not be interested if they knew what I really looked like. It's really depressing me. To the point that I have been thinking about suicide. I would never, but I'm depressed by the fact that I will constantly have intimacy problems, and that physically I will never be good enough. And all that getting to goal has shown me is that I guess it's the physical side of me that matters, not at all my mind or personality.

I'm just looking for others out there that feel that same as me or that can give me some advice or something.

[rrr 1]

I can't really say I know how you feel. I'm in my 50's . Although I have to say if I knew in my 20's what I know in my 50's, the 20's would have had a lot less problems.

I'd say that instead of thinking about intimacy so soon let a guy get to really know you. If he's wanting to jump in bed right away, he's not for you anyway. The longer you hold out ( not have sex) the better chance you have of finding someone who cares about the real YOU not just what they see.

Men enjoy a challenge.

[Karon 1]

All men are not the same. Some may be shallow, but there is a man out there who will love you for yourself , stretch marks and all. Don't despair. Give yourself some time. Get to know a guy and see what he's about. As you talk to him, eventually, if you feel comfortable tell him about your weight loss and see how he responds. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Please don't even play around with suicide talk. Life is precious and you have only just begun to live your life. There is so much for you out there. Just take each day as it comes. You can only live one day at a time. Find some joy, find the gratitude. Keep the faith and know that it will work out. I'm here to talk if you would like to talk in private.

K

[jennifer1 180]

honey i'm sorry you're feeling this way, but you need to talk with a professional psychatirist that deals with body images problems or with patients that have had WLS. Having thoughts of sucide is very scary and it breaks my heart to read that. I pray that you are safe and seek help and dont do anything drastic. Please keep us posted. I am praying for you.

[peprmentpati 8]

Hi there...

I totally understand what you're saying and can completely relate. I don't havethe money right now and realistically won't for a few years, and that's with alot of saving. So I was falling into agreat depression and felt worse about myself preband. Currently, I'm trying to practice selflove. I bought a TON on books onlearning to love myself and silencing my inner critic. I've always had a severe problem with'perfectionism' but I did this surgery to be healthier. I realize that the abuse I did to myself(mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual) has consequences.

We've made it to a weightgoal and we have to learn to accept ourselves (yes, even the excess skin) untilwe can transform completely. I dreamabout winning a scratch off , just enough to cover plastic surgery. I've asked every family member to help, I eventhough about putting my classes on hold and getting a second job to savefaster, but it's not my time yet.

I've been focusing onexercising and making my internal body as healthy and fit as possible so thatwhen my day comes I'll be more than ready. Have you thought of that?

As far as boyfriendsgo...I'm hiding as well. I've looked atlots of lingerie that would help hide the pizza dough that is my stomach, ohand the extra floppy boobs, lol. Lookinto that...but don't give yourself over to someone who doesn't understandwhere you came from. Anyone who gets toknow you and gives a **** about you will be proud of your journey, and soshould you.

I go to therapy every 3weeks too. I've had a romance with thethought of suicide for too many years, but I want to live. Sometimes it's hard to have patience and waitour turn to get or experience the things we want, but steadfast, God alwaysprovides when we are ready to receive.

God Bless you sweet girl*

Rebecca

[blackcherry2002 5]

Thank you everyone.

peprmentpati- I have say it's at least nice knowing that I'm alone. I think maybe if I were older or maybe if I had a kid (that was the cause of the excess skin) I'd be ok. It just feels like my youth has been stolen from me. And I'm only 21. I realize that's probably a pretty dramatic thing to say and I don't mean offense by it. It's just that I see women who are 25, 27, 32, 40...some have kids even...and their bodies aren't as messed up as mine. I don't want to wear a bikini, but I want to be able to let someone else touch my stomach during intimate moments. I still haven't been able to. I always wear clothes during those times and the lights are always off. It's a hard thing to ask of a guy in their 20's to put up with. Especially when it seems like they have plenty of chances with other girls whose stomachs don't look like a deflated balloon and who wouldn't make them keep the lights off.

[peprmentpati 8]

I still understand...I'm 29, but I spent the majority of my life FAT. I too felt that I ruined a lot of chances of 'enjoying' my youth and experiencing things that others did. What I found out when I lost the weight was - nothing changes except our weight and hopefully our health. What I mean by nothing changed was...when I was FAT I thought all of my personal issues would be 'fixed' if I was SKINNY - it's not reality.

Cherry - you need to find a love for yourself, it's absolute and essential. Love that extra skin and know you will get it off - promise you! That extra skin is all the work you've done to get to where you're at...and soon you'll have a few scars to remind you of the extra skin you once had. When I got my band I didn't imagine I'd make it to where I am today, but I got here...I'll get to that next level to.

BTW - my positive body image and self esteem has been and still is a work in progress. I have **** days, and sometimes I still try to overeat or beat myself up - but it's life...we all deal with things. What I want to drive home is that I have to work at loving myself and practice self love all the time.

P.S. - You'll get those moments soon...guarantee there is someone out there for you! I believe that someone has been waiting their whole life to find me and I them! Cheesy yes, but I believe it!!!

Lots of Love <3

Rebecca

[Rachel412 116]

I completely understand how you're feeling, but it IS true that not all boys will care about your stomach. Really, truly. You are battling against what you THINK they see when they look at you but let's be honest... girls your age have stretch marks. Girls your age have wonky boobs. Girls your age have muffin tops and chubby legs and round bellies and you are NOT the only girl out there who isn't a bikini model when your clothes come off. And I think most guys are too busy saying "OMG I'M GONNA GET SOME" to notice whatever you're worried about when you get naked.

[asksdf 5]

Thank you everyone.

peprmentpati- I have say it's at least nice knowing that I'm alone. I think maybe if I were older or maybe if I had a kid (that was the cause of the excess skin) I'd be ok. It just feels like my youth has been stolen from me. And I'm only 21. I realize that's probably a pretty dramatic thing to say and I don't mean offense by it. It's just that I see women who are 25, 27, 32, 40...some have kids even...and their bodies aren't as messed up as mine. I don't want to wear a bikini, but I want to be able to let someone else touch my stomach during intimate moments. I still haven't been able to. I always wear clothes during those times and the lights are always off. It's a hard thing to ask of a guy in their 20's to put up with. Especially when it seems like they have plenty of chances with other girls whose stomachs don't look like a deflated balloon and who wouldn't make them keep the lights off.

Have you told the guys about why you keep the lights off or why you aren't comfortable with them touching you? Asking a guy to put up with it is one thing, but if doesn't know why, then he's going to assume he's the problem. If I were in the guy's position, I'd assume I was the problem and would probably distance myself from you. Some guys will understand and respect it, the others will show their colors soon enough.

[Allison0927 329]

Take it from me - I'm 37 and a professional. If you go to college and grad school and get really good grades and get a well-paying job you will quickly be able to save for the TT surgery and anything else you want. Even if not one single man would have you because of your excess skin (which I don't believe because you are a smart pretty girl but let's just assume that for a minute) you can and will earn the money you need for surgery if insurance won't cover it. There is light at the end of the tunnel - you will earn the money and have the surgery in your 20s (maybe the mid-late 20s but your 20s nevertheless). Keep you chin up you will get there I promise!!!!!!

[kshallow 9]

Rachel: I love your responses.... The wonky boobs made me laugh.... You share a nice mix of "sweet honesty"

[rrr 1]

ROTF! :lol: OMG I'M GONNA GET SOME" Ain't that the truth. FOund this to be true in my early years. And you'll get more "booty calls" when he's desperate. Just don't expect a true relationship.

I completely understand how you're feeling, but it IS true that not all boys will care about your stomach. Really, truly. You are battling against what you THINK they see when they look at you but let's be honest... girls your age have stretch marks. Girls your age have wonky boobs. Girls your age have muffin tops and chubby legs and round bellies and you are NOT the only girl out there who isn't a bikini model when your clothes come off. And I think most guys are too busy saying "OMG I'M GONNA GET SOME" to notice whatever you're worried about when you get naked.

[Mocha-Berry 0]

Remember: The most important love is Self Love!!! You have to love yourself. There are going to be jerks out there. Regardless how someone looks people are always going to judge. Nobody is perfect and everybody has flaws, but it takes a real man to look past those flaws.

[blackcherry2002 5]

I love this forum so much. I'm three years out and it still amazes me that there are people out there who really understand where I'm coming from. I feel bad though too complaining because i know that I have been very lucky to get as far as I have and without complications or horrible struggles. I respect those banders out there who have had to really work hard to get where they are...even if it is only 10 lbs. It is just so weird because even after the weight is gone...I'm still the little fat girl inside...and probably always will be. But honestly when I think about it...I don't take my health for granted like 90% of people my age, and I think being fat and understanding how it feels has made me a better person inside.

Thank you all again. I think half of this post may have been PMS induced. Soooo moody. haha

[lucky2bLAURA 31]

I came across the post and thought I could add my own two cents. :-)

I have had psoriasis (a bad skin condition) since I was 8 yrs old, and when I was 18-20 and I started dating where there was a possibility of the realtionships becoming intimate, I was scared that my skin would be a major turn off. But I always dated great guys, and I waited until I knew them and was pretty confident that they wouldn't freak out when I told them. And I always told them that my skin was scarred and blotchy before they ever saw me naked. It gave me a sense of power and control over my own reaction when I knew that they could handle it. And I never had a boyfriend that was grossed out or anything. They loved me and wanted to be with me.