Lost Weight/Then lost the band

[ShannieJD 0]

I got the Lapband in July 2009. Before I got the band I had a severe mental block with "calorie counting," making healthy choices, exercise, etc. Like many people who get weight loss surgery, I felt like I needed to take drastic measures to protect me from myself. No matter how much I wanted to be thin, no matter how depressed my fat made me feel, I could not stop eating.

I thought the Lapband was the thing that was going to protect me from myself. And it did, for a while. From the time I got my band I lost about 10 pounds per month. I felt like a weight was lifted off of my shoulders because no matter what food I chose to eat, I could not over eat. I could eat cake if I wanted, but just a little. I could go out to a restaurant and order anything I wanted without feeling scrutiny from the crowd. And I did not have to worry about whether I was making a bad choice or not because I knew I was still going to lose weight. The band was my ever present friend, protecting me from myself. It was wonderful, and effortless.

The world around me began to treat me differently. I had been thin before, so I knew what it felt like to get positive attention from others regarding my looks. It felt good. It also felt good for my boyfriend who was now the object of envy, whereas before he was the object of curiousity. "Why is he with her? He is so cute, she has gained so much weight," etc.

I went from a 242 starting weight to 220, 210, 200, 190, 180, 170, 160, 150, 140, 135 ---- It was amazing. Every time I stepped on the scale I had lost weight.

Then, in November 2010, I kept losing and couldn't stop. I went from 135 to 125 then 118....which is too thin for my height. I looked like a skeleton. I thought that my band was too tight and needed to be loosened. However, when I couldn't get an appointment with my band doctor soon enough, I went to the emergency room. They did some blood work and found that my potassium was dangerously low and I was at risk for a heart attack. The doctor also did an x-ray and told me that my band had slipped down and was strangling my stomach. They told me that they had to do emergency surgery that day to remove it. But first they had to get my potassium high enough so that I would survive the surgery.

NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!. Don't take away my security blanket! Don't take away my insurance policy and leave me to my own devices! Especially, don't take it away from me today without any warning. I cried. The doctor took out the lapband. He was NOT a fan of the lap band claiming that he had to take out about 4-6 per week that slipped.

The moment they took out the lapband a sheet of anxiety hit me like a ton of bricks. I began to think that I was going to gain weight uncontrollably. The anxiety about about food and gaining weight caused me to eat. I felt anxious about eating, so I began to eat. I tried in vain to take some preventative measures, like join weight watchers. But my uncontrollable will to eat was stronger than my willpower to stop it.

I immediately began gaining weight. Which was 'ok' at first because I was underweight to begin with.But then I began to gain more and more. I went from underweight, to normal weight, to overweight. Now I think I am on the brink of obese again, If I have not already reached that point. This all happened in a span of 7 months.

I am now at 210 and don't know where I am going to go from here. The doctor told me that I had to wait for one full year for my stomach to heal enough to have any other kind of surgery. I can never have the band again because of what it did to my stomach. Now my option is the sleeve. At first I just wished they could put me in a coma and wake me when it was time to have the surgery. I did not feel that I could sustain the horrors of weight gain.

At about 192 I started therapy for my disordered eating and began really learning a lot. I had been in therapy before, but never with someone who specialized in disordered eating. I am learning that I am not truly alone. Many, many people use food as the mechanism to deal with any emotion they may feel (or may try not to feel). I am learning that for myself, and for other people, food is a constant in my life. It is always there for me when I need it, It never lets me down. I eat when I feel happy, eat when I feel sad, eat when I feel anxious, eat as a response to almost any emotion.

At this point I believe that when I am able to have the sleeve in October 2011, I will still want it as my back up plan to protect me from myself. But I hope at that point to have a different perspective and possibly the ability to show different responses to feelings and emotions other than eating.

[summer134 23]

My goodness you've been through so much. I'm glad to hear that you're in therapy and think that is helping, It's had to have been such a difficult thing for you. I hope that things continue to heal properly and that you get back to where you want to be. Positive thoughts are being sent your way ...

["AmyRose" 2]

God Bless you hunny. I will be praying for you.