only in pictures?

[xlstan 2]

so first an update... met with my dr's physician assistant today, and we will have my July surgery date set firmly by the end of the month. My doc requires two-week pre-op liquid diet.

Now to the topic... a lot of family photos were taken this weekend, and as I was looking at them it dawned on me: I see in pictures what I never see or at least acknowledge in the mirror every day. when I see a picture of myself, truth is it gets me sickened and depressed... I don't realize just how fat I am until I see a picture. Is that crazy or what?

I guess it makes sense since I've read of so many folks here who have lost a LOT of weight and yet don't see it... maybe it goes both ways?

I mean, honestly, I know that I have to ask for a table rather than a booth at a restaurant, and still need to approach the chair gently.... etc... etc.. but damn why don't I see it? wierd...

Anyway... it really is an eye opener for me to see those pictures. I'm saving a lot of them for some damn good reminders of BEFORE... and I'm really looking forward to July.

Thanks everyone for being here!

Stan

[dawn of dibley 6]

I am kinda the same way. if it weren't for mirrors, pictures, and other people telling me how fat I am, I would feel pretty normal. I don't really feel as fat as I am and i'm pretty active, so i get around very well. It's only when i catch a glimpse of my reflection that I realize how bad it is and how far i have let myself go.

it's like skinny people who feel fat I guess...they just feel the opposite of what they are. I feel pretty normal but I look like an elephant

[howdybooth 4]

Wow - you are both "normal" people! Don't judge ourself so harshly! I bet you're both wonderful people! The surgery is a way to get HEALTHY - not to make you feel better about yourself or at least the inner you.......yes, it's nice to be able to purchase clothes anywhere - but I promise you - you are still you on the inside! And I can't say it enough - MANY of us have experienced depression (some sucide) as we lost the ablity to eat.......or tried to adjust to how people treat us differently! So please - love who you are now - because that will be who you are once you lose your weight.

Don't get me wrong - the weight loss is GREAT - but at the end of the day - I'm still me......jus sayn'

[Jammy 24]

I totally can identify with you on this Stan. I don't spend a lot of time in the mirror, especially a full length one. This isn't because I hate myself or anything like that at all. I actually think I'm quite attractive, and so must other people because I've NEVER had difficulty getting dates. Most of my friends comment on how comfortable I am in my own skin, and how confident I am. But like you, it's when I look at photos that I see just how big I've gotten. I don't feel 'big' until I have to put on the seatbelt on the plane, or try on clothes, etc. It's kind of shocking to see my photos. I honestly made the decision to have surgery to help improve my overall health. Not for my confidence. I like to think I've got that part together.

[xlstan 2]

wow... good answers all of you!! yea, I get around half way decent myself, and if it weren't for pictures I just would never really graps how big I've become.

And howdybooth... I've read your responses to other things, and the recent "enough already!" and I really appreciate everything you put up here! you're dead on! This is strictly a health thing for me as well, and I actually am content with myself on the inside, except for the constant battle I have with weight. Otherwise, I'm a pretty happy fella, but it will be interesting to see what happens post surgery. No one here where I'v lived for the past 10 years has ever seen me at a reasonable weight, save family members.

And Ivy, like you... fairly popular, well-liked at work, comfortable in my own skin.. until I see the picture. Then I back the picture up with the meds I'm on due to weight... blood pressure, diabetes, etc... my big "epiphany" was when I realized that all those meds are like putting band-aids on gaping wounds that are bleeding out... they help a little, but they don't fix the cause. In other words, my doctor puts me on pills to help me combat what I've done to myself, but then he finally said... "you know, this isn't working.... maybe it's time to consider surgery". and here we are.

Thank you all! what a long, strange trip this is.... (with apologies to the grateful dead)

Stan

PS .. Dawn of Dibley.... is that like one of my favorite shows " The Vicar of Dibley"?... just wondering...

[notateechanow 7]

Stan,

It wasn't until seeing pictures of myself from a 'landmark' birthday a few years ago that I realized how large I really was. A few things I've learned about myself through my 3+ year banding journey---

1) I rarely allowed myself to be photographed at my heavier size, and definitely not at my biggest unless drunk.

2) I always hid behind structures and other people in photos.

3) Larger sized clothing (for me it was sizes 20 and far beyond...) has far more stretch than smaller sizes. I wore the same clothes for my first 40 or 50 pounds lost, yet at my current size, every 10-12 pounds makes a tremendous difference.

4) I rarely looked at myself in mirrors. If I was using a mirror to check out my hair, that's all I looked at....avoiding the parts I couldn't bear to see.

This journey has had a lot of ups and downs for me. Acknowledging my size was only one of many of the surprises. I couldn't believe how much my family and friends supported my fat "me". They never said anything about my size, fearful they'd upset and offend me. Evidently I was very irritable and easily upset when I was huge... I never realized how many ways I enabled myself to be large, even when I was wearing the largest sizes available in retail stores and needed larger clothes. From only going to stores and restaurants that had plenty of close or valet parking to going places with wide aisles and roomy tables.

It's hard to be honest with yourself and recognize the truth you've created. This journey can be an amazing one, but it's important the very first step you make is to find something to appreciate about yourself and your efforts every day. Do not demean yourself---rather count the steps you make in the right direction! Good luck.

[dawn of dibley 6]

Stan

PS .. Dawn of Dibley.... is that like one of my favorite shows " The Vicar of Dibley"?... just wondering...

yes, that is correct. it's one of my favorite shows of all time. I just love Dawn French.

[vickyd 24]

I have always had this problem. Before surgery, I knew I was morbidly obese but whenever I saw a picture of myself I couldn't believe it because I didn't look like that when I saw myself in the mirror. Even now, 82 lbs later, I still don't trust what I see in the mirror. I know I am much smaller than I was when I started...I can tell that by my clothes...but, today, when I looked at some pictures of me that my husband took yesterday I realized that I am starting to look much closer to what I see in the mirror. I think I am still adjusting to the shrinking me...

[Jess55 97]

I understand that completely. I knew I was fat, but never felt that way really until I saw myself in the mirror or a picture. I saw a picture of me a few years ago from when my parents and I went to check out the college I went to in 2002 and I got sick, I can't be that big. Or this may sound bad, but when ever I saw other morbidly obese people, I'd say to myself, I don't look like that. Now over 100 lb less than my highest weight if I look at myself in the mirror dressed, I'm not completely disgusted. Naked, I'm still disgusted, but I feel 1000 times better about myself now

[lizzy2150 3]

This makes perfect sense to me. It doesn't matter how much weight I gain or lose--in my own mind, my weight is fairly stable, and it's MUCH less than I actually weigh. I'm always slightly shocked when I see a photo. My inner image of myself doesn't match my outer body. I can't wait until it does!!! (I'm still waiting on insurance approval . . .)

[TracyW2 137]

When I was at my heaviest, I never seen myself as being that heavy. Now I look at pics from me then and think Wow, I really was morbidly obese. I didn't see it as being that bad. Now that I am considered a normal weight, I dont see myself as skinny at all. It isnt until I see pics, that it hits me. Weird how your mind works in how you see yourself.

Congrats on the date! Definitely best thing I ever did for myself!

[xlstan 2]

morbidly obese... wierd... that's another example, I guess... I know I am.. I've seen the numbers, I watch my scale beg for mercy when I get near it, the BMI scale goes from morbidly obese to OMG... and yet I don't see it, or rather didn't see it, until now. amazing how we just settle into a routine/a weight/ a lifestyle and just shrug off the consequences.

I'm glad you all are here, because empathy is a wonderful thing!

Stan

[Cindy C 150]

They say that the camera adds 10 pounds. I've always thought that I looked horrible in pictures. Even after losing 140 lbs I still don't like to have my picture taken. I posted my before and after pics here last week and, honestly, I don't remember looking like the first one. I never thought I looked like that. I know I did. Even with the second one, my poor son had to take about a dozen before I got one I could live with. He kept saying, "Mom, it looks fine." But I kept finding fault with em.