question

[stuntmonkey 2]

I’ve been reading a lot of your posts on this board, and I’m left with a large question.

Why are so many people on here being so secretive about their lap band surgery? I don’t get it.

I don’t think we have anything to be ashamed of. In fact, I think that the more we talk about this process and this surgical procedure that research actually shows can treat obesity successfully, the better the path will be for those who come after us.

If people think this makes me weak or judge me or whatever other negative reactions they might have, they win if I go cowering in a corner and let them make me feel bad. And if I do (and I expect to!) lose a large amount of weight with this procedure, if I stay quiet about it, I will just be one more person who overweight people think has weight loss results that they themselves are not strong enough to achieve (not true!).

So, educate me. Why the secrecy? I mean no disrespect by this question at all. I have no doubt there are good reasons behind this, I just don’t understand them yet.

[jennifer1 180]

I think one of the reason people keep it a "secret" is cuz they just look at it as it's personal and nobody's business, like any other "personal" matter one might deal with. some people cant handle some of the negative feedback they fear they might get. I think everyone is different. I personally choose to tell a few select people for the reason of it being a very personal decision. Hope that shed a little light on the subject.

[TKW 501]

I think it is different personalities, different experiences as an obese person. I think some people have been teased or ridiculed and are ashamed of being over weight and I think that carries over. I am not ashamed to tell anybody, I'll tell a perfect stranger. I have been overweight since I was a young child. I grew up in a small town and can not remember even once being teased or called names as a child (except for my brother). My mother was a large woman and proud of who she was. At 45 years old, divorced and weighing over 300 pounds she decided to go to college and the kids at that University elected her HOMECOMING QUEEN, and not as joke. She was strong and proud and kind and giving and brought me up to be proud of exactly who and what I am. I think that's why I find it easy to be open about it.

It's hard to imagine, for those of us so open about it. But overweight people go through a lot and I guess this is a place for all of us to find support. We may not understand it but we can be understanding.

[Russian_BANDit_inNY 4]

I told 75% people I know. 20% guessed because they know someone who went through it and was on liquids and Protein Drinks before the surgery.

PRO - I have to succeed now

CON - I wanted to hear from someone who did not know about the surgery " You lost weight!!!" took me a while to run into someone like that

[Delmann 0]

Amen! I agree with you 100%

[HeatherinCA 10]

No idea.. I mean I don't just blab about it to everyone, but my family and friends know. For me, everyone knowing about it is kind of a personal motivator. They are holding me accountable. We are all fat people, we've been on every diet under the sun, it's not like our friends and family don't know that. I think some people view the surgery as like a cop-out... so that could be a reason to not tell them.

[Snow 1]

I think, in general, there is a lot of judgement that goes with being overweight, especially when you're obese. When you can't seem to ever get your shit together and just drop the weight for good on your own, people often assume you have no self control, you're lazy, you're weak. I think a lot of obese people secretly have a fear in the backs of their minds that maybe those judgments are right--maybe the fact that they can't be successful IS an indicator that there's something wrong with them. I know whenever I get a weak moment and binge on something I shouldn't, I have moments of, "See, this is exactly why you're fat. You just have no willpower." Admitting I can't do it on my own feels like I'm giving affirmation to those thoughts, and to everyone else who might be thinking the same thing about me.

Of course, I'm not speaking for everyone--just my own insecurities, and those of others I've spoken to about this.

Even though I know better, there is always the fear in me that maybe I'm being lazy and weak by opting for LapBand instead of just giving "honest dieting" another go. It makes me a little sad that I've let myself go to such an extent that surgery is my last hope. Admitting that I'm having surgery out loud makes me intensely scared that if I don't lose weight, I'll be a double failure. Or that if I do lose weight, I won't get any credit for actually having to put in any effort. Nobody likes to be marked as a cheater. I have a lot of friends who are athletes, some who have lost a ton of weight on their own with diet and exercise, and I always feel inferior to them. Admitting I had to go under the knife to get the same results they worked their asses of for... I don't know, it makes me feel embarrassed.

And then finally, I have several friends who are obese...some moreso than I am. And I know they struggle with their weight both physically and emotionally. I am lucky enough to have insurance that covers my procedure 100%. They don't, and a lot of them don't have a ton of money. I feel like talking about the surgery is rubbing it in their face a bit. It's a bit like survivor's remorse--I feel guilty for having an advantage while I know they'll still be struggling.

But these are just my reasons for not going public. Everyone's are different, I'm sure.

[MaggieB 6]

For me I was tired of hearing the horror stories - it seemed like everyone that I told or talked to when I was trying to make my decision knows someone or is a friend of a friend that had a horrible experience with it. So I stopped talking about it - only my immediate family and few friends knew of my surgery. Now that I have lost weight and people are noticing I tell them. I want people to see, hear from and know someone who has been successful at it - who doesn't have medical problems from it. I don't volunteer the info - but if asked I do tell the truth.

[vickyd 24]

I can only speak for myself but I have chosen to only tell a few select people. Before surgery, I only planned to tell my husband and kids (my family lives in another state so they wouldn't be suspicious). As surgery got closer, my MIL decided to visit for Thanksgiving and I was going to be on my liquid diet so I decided to tell her...and I couldn't tell her and not tell my mom...so I told her). That was it until about a month ago when I found out that my husband had told some of his co-workers. Regardless, it is still a very small group of people who know. The main reason I chose to keep it secret is that I have several family members who are very judgemental - they make a lot of unkind comments and if they knew I had surgery it would be like chum in the Water for a bunch of sharks. I have dealt with their comments my entire life and I know I should be used to it, but my weight is a very sensitive subject for me and I just really don't want to deal with the comments at every family function. When they comment on my weight loss I just say that I am working with a nutritionist and exercising (which is true).

At my support group last night, this topic came up and I was interested to find that the majority of the people had kept it a secret...the most stated reason why was "It isn't anyone else's business"...which is exactly what my therapist said when I was struggling with my decision on who to tell. I think it is great that there are people who are open with their decision and journey - I don't know what I would do without the countless lap band blogs I read for inspiration - but we all have to make the decision that is right for us...

[slm2007 7]

I'm not secretive but I didn't post it on FB or make a huge announcement. I think Snow said a lot of what I would say so I won't retype.

I hate being judged. I hate explaining that the band is a lot of work and it isn't this easy miracle cure for my fat issues. I really hate everyone "watching" me and what I do. My sister is so up my butt right now criticizing me but she thinks she is helping when she watches everything I put in my mouth and asks me "is it okay to eat that." I'm not a child, I know what I'm doing and I will lose the weight at my own pace. I'm not going to "diet" and restrict myself, so if I'm at a birthday party and want two bites of cake to enjoy the celebration, I'm going to have it. I will limit myself to the two bites and not two pieces but don't stare at me while I'm eating!!

That is the main reason I didn't want to share it with the world but almost everyone I know knows that I did the surgery and have been so wonderful and supportive. I've had to explain 1,000 times on how the band works because I think they expect it to be like bypass where the weight just starts to fall off...."why are you still fat" thoughts???? I know how I am about "dieting" and if you restrict me, I'll do it just to be spiteful......I'm changing my life now, I'm eating less and making wise decisions but will also allow myself to continue to live and will once in awhile allow myself a treat! I do not want to make it a habit and really don't even miss it but if you tell me I can't have a bite or two of cake, I'm going to bake a cake and eat the whole thing just to tick you off (while sabatoging myself in the meantime but that's not the point)......

It's a real personal decision whether to tell, I just didn't want everyone staring at me and now that they know...YES, they do stare at me and see how much I'm eating. I don't have restriction yet so I have to explain all of that over and over again, that I'm still pretty normal size and not restricted to eat less and I'm doing it by will power.

[Shea 13]

For me I decided to tell my mom and close friend only but even that didnt work out well. They are the two closest people to me and neither of them agreed to the surgery. My mom is worried I will die, my friend is worried that it will erode or make me sick. Neither of them are educated about it they've only heard horror stories, and although I've tried to explain, what they've known to happen to others outweighs anything I have to say because to them I'm making excuses and I dont really know what's going to happen. I've decided not to talk about it anymore. I have no supoort so I will just do it on my own, and even go to the surgery alone. When you're trying so hard to do something, the last thing you want to hear is negativity from people who are uneducated about the issue, and it's worse when it's people you love and you would really like to support you. I'd rather just keep my mouth shut and prove that my actions speaks louder than their words.