Weird Emotions Lately

j_war06 · January 16, 2006

:help: I KNOW! Ya'll are probably tired of reading my downer posts.....but I feel so weird lately. I feel like something is missing, and it hurts inside. I guess I miss my ex-boyfriend since its almost Prom season, Idunno......... I know its silly teenager stuff, but Ive been so emotional lately, like actually caring and its hurting me so deep inside because its like finding the right puzzle pieces in a million piece puzzle to complete me, and I just cant find it. I dont mind being single really, maybe I just mind being alone a lot. Not having a guy to call, maybe its knowing that I see the whore that he ran with almost every day and it makes me want to throw up when I look at her ugly face. Maybe its seeing his pic splattered on MySpace with another girl who is MUCH thinner than me, maybe its reading the horrible comments the whore put all over the web.................I dont know, it hurts so bad, I should lose 10lbs of Water weight the way Ive been crying. I DONT WANT HIM BACK! But just thinking of the memories weve had breaks my heart again and to recap the lies he told me makes me want to tear him to shreds! I CANT WAIT TILL IM SKINNY! Im going to flaunt around his job in a freaking mini-skirt and tube top and maybe a new guy with me, but until then I avoid him like the plague, like some rare deadly disease! I dont want him to move on! I WANT HIM TO FEEL PAIN LIKE I GO THROUGH! I WANT TO SEE HIM SUFFER BUT CANT STAND TO LOOK AT HIM! I Guess my emptiness is my own distrust in people now, maybe its my hormones (most likely), maybe Im just crazy, but I want to be happy, truly happy. I dont know what TRUE HAPPINESS is because I thought I was happy for so many years with him! AND now its all over, I havent spoken or seen him in like 2 months! I wish I could, I wish it could be cool, but it cant, hell throw his relationships with other girls in my face just like he always had done.............I FEEL CONFUSED AND EMPTY! I feel alone. Its hard to be single after six years. All the lies keep floating above my head, I need to do something but I dont know what! I want to go write on his car! I want to egg his house!

BUT! That is immature, and Im trying to remain cooooooooool and calm throughout every aspect of this. I have conducted myself well around him and the whore (I call her that because of her extensive sexual history with guys, she hasnt slept with my ex!) I dont get what Im feeling! I want it to go away! I want to wake up tomorrow and be a size 5!! I want to look like a Goddess in a bikini and I want to have a FINE MAN! I want my life to be so perfect (although I know its unachievable) and I want him working at McDonalds trying to feed his addiction to drugs and alcohol (I just want him to suffer)! I want him to have to pay child support to like 4 kids and never have a dime to spend expensively! I want him to be FAT! YES YES! THAT IS THE ULTIMATE PUNISHMENT! I WANT HIM TO BE FAT SO HE CAN FEEL MY PAIN! Im sorry the thread is so long,,,,,,,I just have a lot on my mind...................................Thanks for listening...................

Alexandra · January 16, 2006

I hope typing that out helps relieve some of the stress, Jodie.

There are no magic words to say that will make it all stop bothering you, but you know better than anyone how unhelpful such emotions are. And your reactions ARE within your control. You have moved on to much more important things--controlling your health, graduating from high school, getting ready for college and entering a wider world. This is all so exciting!! Leave that teenage drama behind you and look within for things to focus on. You are getting stronger every day. Wanting to punish someone else is a purely negative feeling and only hurts yourself. I know it's hard, but you will see things differently one day soon.

Iluvharleys · January 16, 2006

Jodie - I know you are hurting, when you have been in a relationship for a long time, it is like going through a death. You need to take the time to mourn, then go on with your life. It isn't easy, it never is, but it's something we all have to do at one time or another. You'll be fine, in fact you'll probably meet someone that was even more special than he was. I truely believe that all things happen for a reason.