Not to Tell?

[NJGirl32 43]

Okay, I think I am ready for this procedure...but I really don't wantto tell anyone-not even my husband. My friend at work knows but I am thinking of doing this on my own. I am afraid my husband will tell people and truthfully it's embarassingthat I got to this weight. After the surgery I was just going to stay at a nearby hotel for the first night. I might tell my best friend, but that's it. Has anyone not told their children or their husband? Thanks!

[newbandlady 3]

That would stink to have to hide your surgery. I needed so much help from my husband and kids the first few days/weeks. I hope you can get the support you need from your friend. Best of luck to you!

[JAM2YOU 2]

I would definately not keep this from your husband. He should be your first line of support no matter what. In my opinion it's pretty risky to have any surgery without having someone there that has your best interest at heart and also that has all the details on your medical history. Split second decisions have to be addressed sometimes and without that accessible you could be asking for complications that you just don't need. I'm not saying anything will happen but wouldn't you have more peace of mind the day of your surgery that everything is handled and not have to worry about how your going to have to handle those first few weeks where you may not be at your best. How would you explain to your husband why you're having trouble getting up and down and in and out of bed. I totally get not wanting to broadcast this(I have chosen that route myself with some family and friends) BUT you will need some help in those first few days. It's totally your choice but just think how he would feel if he was to receive a phone call that he needs to come and help you somehow and he has no idea why you couldn't confide in him. My husband knows my feelings about my privacy and is totally cool with it and says it's my decision to bring someone into the loop or not. Good luck with your decision.

[stateofzen 46]

Obviously it's your life. But I cannot imagine how one would go through this process and NOT tell their spouse if they have one. Your eating behavior will be bizarre in the beginning (clear liquids) and noticeably different than it is now, even in the end. Plus, just by living together his eating will change too-- if only because you might not go out to eat as much, or might not want to stock your trigger foods in the house.

Not to mention-- what if the truth comes out someday? God forbid you have complications that require additional surgeries down the road. What will that do to your marriage for him to find out you kept this from him? In my marriage, that would count as a serious violation of trust, right up there with cheating or sneaking credit card charges and building major unknown debt.

I have to be completely honest-- this question makes me think you need to look into some counseling (marital or individual) before you go through with the surgery. It could help you work through your shame over the weight and your wish to keep it a secret even from your husband.

Of course if you're planning on ending the marriage, then my above advice doesn't hold water-- in that case, the circumstances are different.

[NJGirl32 43]

My husband is a really great guy-so that's not the problem really. I guess I am a very private person and part of me feels like I've reached a point that I need lapband and it's embarassing for me. When we first married I was about 65 pounds thinner-not skinny but I looked pretty good. Now 8 yrs later I am at a point that I need a lapband. I think he would be supportive-but I feel like I want to do it on my own. I am not sure though. Like I said I am a very private person and independent too...this seems like such a personal thing to me.

[Jodi_620 37]

I would never go through a surgery without telling my husband. There are risks with any surgery and financial implications a spouse should be in on such a big decision. What if there are complications? As others have said there is a stringent pre-op and post-op diet. To be successful, your enitire lifestyle needs to change I can't imagine how you could hide that from him. And you will need someone to be there for you during recovery, not just overnight but for a few days. Getting up and down, bending, lifting will all be pretty uncomfortable for a while. The added stress of trying to hide this (and at least in my case, guilt) would have had a negative effect on making it through this process as well.

If your husband can't be supportive or honor your wishes to keep this private then that is another issue. But my advise would be to work that issue out before taking the Lap Band on. I was embarrassed too and so afraid that I would put the two of us through this cost and risk and fail at the weightloss. My husband was surprisingly supportive from the time I made the decision through the costs and is quite happy with the results. I credit to my success to having that wonderful support system.

[zeniada 9]

I tell anyone who will listen about my Lap Band...I am proud and happy that I got it...It has helped me lose 40lbs and I want the world to know...

[CocoLay 3]

N

[CocoLay 3]

NJGirl,

I'm not married so I didn't struggle with that per say, but my mom and sisters know & there closest to me. My friends don't know, my Pops or my brother. Not even my Journal has entrys about my weight loss. But it's not that I'm embarrassed or even that I'm not willing to share. It's more of people might take it as bragging or an unhealthy means, so to savor myself from those types of conversations of trying to make me feel a certain way I've kept my mouth shut. Now telling your husband could be different. Yet I have a support group that I go to weekly, & we've become more of friends than just the commonality of having the same surgery. I would suggest this, & in due time I think you'll be excited to have your spouse walk along side of you' in this Journey. I've lost 56 lbs & was banded last Oct & it's exciting for people to see, but I havnt lied, I've told them my dieting has changed. Good luck to you!!

[NJGirl32 43]

I think you are all right about telling. And the truth is we do eat out a lot and he would see a big difference inmy eating habits. It's just a scary step-really it is! You all are so brave to have taken the step to a better lifestyle! Thank you for all your suggestions! Did you tell your children too? I have a 19 yr. old and a 24 yr. old.

[zeniada 9]

My children are 9&7 and yes they know....They knew I was going into surgery and for why they even prayed for me so precious...

[NJGirl32 43]

It seems like I am the only one that has thought about not telling my spouse! I am leaning towards telling him since there is so much involved pre-surgery and post-surgery.

[JinTx 19]

NJgirl, i didnt want to tell my husband. My original plan was to wait til i was approved and a date was set, then tell him. I ended up telling him before i attended my first info seminar. At first he reacted just like i thought he would--100% against it. After he did some research we talked again and he's on board. You may be surprised. My husband has said he just wants me to be happy and if i want to do this he told me to go for it. I am not telling many people about my wls and my husband totally respects that. Good luck to you. -J

[Humming Bird 275]

I tell anyone who will listen about my Lap Band...I am proud and happy that I got it...It has helped me lose 40lbs and I want the world to know...

I'm with you on this one. I tell everyone and have from day one. When people notice my weightloss and ask how I did it, I feel like it is only right to tell the truth. My eating has changed so drastically I could have never kept it from my husband. I also had a long recovery time. My son is a grown man and he would have been hurt if I had kept a major surgery from him just as I would be if my mother had. Everyone would have been worried that I had an eating disorder after the drastic changes in my habits and the rapid loss of over 100 pounds.

All that being said, only you know the people around you.

[slm2007 7]

I've told my husband, my MIL (because she will be watching my 3 year old) and a few VERY supportive friends at work and my parents/sisters. The ONLY ones that are supportive are the girls I work with. Everyone else doesn't want me to do, doesn't feel I really need it because I'm not "that" big, and tell me that I can do it on my own because I've done it before.

I'm doing it because I finally admit that I can't keep it off. I've lost weight before, a bunch of times. This is NOT something I've recently just thought about and said "hey lets do surgery." No, I've been thinking about this for probably 4 or 5 years. At first it was by-pass, hence the reason I was still thinking about it because I wasn't comfortable with the cutting and reworking of my insides. BUT, the band was introduced to me and I thought....ah ha...that is something that might be great for me. I started the process once before and honestly wasn't "Ready" for the changes that came after. THEN, my son came along.....he is the reason I'm ready. I hate the thought that I only have a few pictures of us together in his first 3 years...because I am embarrassed to be seen in them! I want to do fun things with him, I don't want to be an embarrassment to him and I want to be here for him. SO, this time, I'm ready. NO ONE is going to talk me out of this...not even myself.

You need people who can be supportive, you need people who are goign to understand and I think I am slowly bringing those around me along for the ride. They see that I'm serious and I"m not turning back - despite being a bit scared of my new life afterwards - but I'm doing this.

I'm not sharing this on my Facebook page or anything like that but if there are people who ask me how I'm losing weight, I will share my experience because maybe, just maybe, I will help someone with their decision and it may help them gain control of their lives too.

Good luck to you and I truly hope that you share this with others who will be supportive.