Not to Tell?

[TheRealSouthernBelle 22]

I've told my husband, my MIL (because she will be watching my 3 year old) and a few VERY supportive friends at work and my parents/sisters. The ONLY ones that are supportive are the girls I work with. Everyone else doesn't want me to do, doesn't feel I really need it because I'm not "that" big, and tell me that I can do it on my own because I've done it before.

I'm doing it because I finally admit that I can't keep it off. I've lost weight before, a bunch of times. This is NOT something I've recently just thought about and said "hey lets do surgery." No, I've been thinking about this for probably 4 or 5 years. At first it was by-pass, hence the reason I was still thinking about it because I wasn't comfortable with the cutting and reworking of my insides. BUT, the band was introduced to me and I thought....ah ha...that is something that might be great for me. I started the process once before and honestly wasn't "Ready" for the changes that came after. THEN, my son came along.....he is the reason I'm ready. I hate the thought that I only have a few pictures of us together in his first 3 years...because I am embarrassed to be seen in them! I want to do fun things with him, I don't want to be an embarrassment to him and I want to be here for him. SO, this time, I'm ready. NO ONE is going to talk me out of this...not even myself.

You need people who can be supportive, you need people who are goign to understand and I think I am slowly bringing those around me along for the ride. They see that I'm serious and I"m not turning back - despite being a bit scared of my new life afterwards - but I'm doing this.

I'm not sharing this on my Facebook page or anything like that but if there are people who ask me how I'm losing weight, I will share my experience because maybe, just maybe, I will help someone with their decision and it may help them gain control of their lives too.

Good luck to you and I truly hope that you share this with others who will be supportive.

I just had to laugh at the comment people make to you, that you are not "that" big. I think people get very used to how we look, just as we get used to how we look especially when almost everyone around you is heavier than normal (whatever normal is LOL!). I always thought I wasn't "that" big until got up to over 300 lbs. I had never been that big in my whole life and I was so depressed at how I looked and the person I had become (my eating habits were horrible). It reminded me of when I was a fat child and would get teased so horribly, and eventually I got used to being fat (been that way all my life). There was no way on God's green earther I was going to "get used to" being over 300 pounds! It's good that we decided to have the surgery before we were "that" big. Whatever "that" is! Good luck on your journey.

[Jodi_620 37]

I just had to laugh at the comment people make to you, that you are not "that" big. I think people get very used to how we look, just as we get used to how we look especially when almost everyone around you is heavier than normal (whatever normal is LOL!). I always thought I wasn't "that" big until got up to over 300 lbs. I had never been that big in my whole life and I was so depressed at how I looked and the person I had become (my eating habits were horrible). It reminded me of when I was a fat child and would get teased so horribly, and eventually I got used to being fat (been that way all my life). There was no way on God's green earther I was going to "get used to" being over 300 pounds! It's good that we decided to have the surgery before we were "that" big. Whatever "that" is! Good luck on your journey.

Me too! My Mom and co-workers kept telling me that while discouraging the surgery.

The silly opinions don't end after the surgery either. A big pet peeve for me now started about the time I got down to 150. Some people smaller than me would act all alarmed and tell me I am losing too much weight. It is always presented as though they are concerned for my health. One woman in particular is about 135 pounds and 5'9". She started showing concern about the time I got down to 150 pounds on my 5'4" frame. Maybe she meant well but it offended me. Why is it unhealthy for me 5" shorter to be 150 but her weight is healthy? Now that I weigh even less than her she seems very bothered rather than concerned. It is silly how that scale number means so much to her. I pointed out to her that I am shorter and though I weigh less I still don't and never will look as thin as her. She is a runner, tall with a stick-thin, straight up and down figure-no curves, no breasts, ho hips. Whereas I am short, curvy and have breasts...I'll never look as thin as her, I just don't have the same frame. I am perfectly happy with that so why can't she be?

[Jodi_620 37]

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[TheRealSouthernBelle 22]

Me too! My Mom and co-workers kept telling me that while discouraging the surgery.

The silly opinions don't end after the surgery either. A big pet peeve for me now started about the time I got down to 150. Some people smaller than me would act all alarmed and tell me I am losing too much weight. It is always presented as though they are concerned for my health. One woman in particular is about 135 pounds and 5'9". She started showing concern about the time I got down to 150 pounds on my 5'4" frame. Maybe she meant well but it offended me. Why is it unhealthy for me 5" shorter to be 150 but her weight is healthy? Now that I weigh even less than her she seems very bothered rather than concerned. It is silly how that scale number means so much to her. I pointed out to her that I am shorter and though I weigh less I still don't and never will look as thin as her. She is a runner, tall with a stick-thin, straight up and down figure-no curves, no breasts, ho hips. Whereas I am short, curvy and have breasts...I'll never look as thin as her, I just don't have the same frame. I am perfectly happy with that so why can't she be?

This is part of the reason I decided I didn't want to tell anyone that I had surgery, so I wouldn't have to hear their big mouths. I think that when people know you had surgery and you start getting small/regular size they think something is wrong, like maybe the surgery went bad and it's causing you to lose too much weight, but in reality you are right on track with a healthy BMI, etc. I think that no matter if you are 300 or 100 pounds people will ALWAYS have something to say. Just like I see on TV how they call stars "scary skinny", but then I'm like isn't that what you (Hollywood) want. I mean being skinny is how they make their living (get acting roles, modeling gigs, etc.). Let them gain 1 ounce then they are obese and addicted to food. We can't let others bother us by what they say (ex. discouraging us from the surgery, saying we are losing too much weight, etc.) otherwise we would be worried all the time, but then again that is easier said than done especially when it's coming from family and loved ones. We just have to keep doing what's best for us!

[vickyd 24]

I have only told a handfull of people...my husband, sons, mother and mother in law. My husband, on the other hand, told several people at work but since we live several states away from my family then I can deal with that. My main reason for keeping it private is that I have several members of my family who are the types of people to make nasty comments and watch and comment on everything I put in my mouth. These people also have quite a bit of weight to lose and since I have always been the heaviest in our family then they will definately feel threatened by my losing weight. I have not seen any of them since before surgery and will probably be seeing them in a few weeks so it will be interesting to see how they react to my weight loss.

We each have to make the decision that works for us. Some people can be completely open and others are just more private. I can say that the people who do know about my surgery have been 100% supportive of me and proud of my weight loss. I do feel guilty about not telling my father and brother but since the people I don't want to tell are on my Dad's side of the family and my Dad is not the type to keep a secret I made the decision not to tell him (after discussing it with my Mom). I think I will eventually tell people but I'm just not ready right now.

NJGirl32 - I can't even imagine not telling my husband about surgery...there is so much involved in the pre-op and post-op periods, you will have scars that will have to be explained and your eating habits will drastically change...I certainly don't know anything about your relationship with your husband but I do know that mine would be very hurt to find out that I even considered not telling him...It seems to me that honesty is an essential part of a marriage and you should be able to be honest with your spouse...just my .02...

Good luck to you...

[TKW 501]

I tell anyone who will listen about my Lap Band...I am proud and happy that I got it...It has helped me lose 40lbs and I want the world to know...

Me too!!! Think where we would all be if we didn't use modern technology. Just think of all the things we use in a day to make our lives better, easier, happier.

My opinion... you should tell your husband, if no one else knows that's alright, but he should know. I'm sure he can keep it to himself.

[BayougirlMrsS 3,934]

When i first started looking into the LB i of course did it in private. The first person i talked to was my friend Paula... she had had the surgery a year before and was doing great. She was very open to everyone with it. So I went to her in confidence and said I was thinking of having the surgery. She kept my secret, and i so respect her for that. Turns out her life mate and i had our LB surgery on the same day with the same dr.

The next person was my husband. He at first was not so sure, but after I went to him with all my research and with my mind made up that i was doing this for my self, he was right on board. He and i discussed it and i decided to not tell any one, he honored my wishes and kept my secrete. I did tell my Sons and my daughter in law. They were all on board. I didn't even tell my mom or my family at first. About six months after the surgery i told the rest of my family. My mom kept asking if i was ok because i kept losing weight and she didn't know why..... thought I was sick... so I told them.

I started to get comfortable with telling people at about six months. People would ask and i would tell them, i had LB surgery........... THEN...... i started getting "the look". All us WLS people..... know "the look"........... it right after they ask you, How are you doing it... and you say I had LB surgery. It's the YOU TO THE EASY WAY OUT LOOK.

I would get so mad because...... WLS was defiantly not the EASY WAY OUT............ it's hard as hell. Just because you had the surgery does not mean you are will lose weight. My sister in law had it done and weighs more... but she refuses to follow the rules and exercise. I would so love a big fat cheese burger with fries..... and a dr. pepper at the same time....

So now, when some one that has not seen me in a while comes up to me and ask.............how I did it........... i say I watch what i eat and i exercise......

Now, i have lost 71lbs, i could not be happier. My husband, who never complained about my weight, loves the NEW ME..... He love that fact that i have more confidence and in turn feel better about being more intimate. I truly believe it not only saved my life, but marriage (of 20year) is way better. His favorite thing..... i was able to get rid of all my "granny panties".......... and went bought some cute ones at VS....

So, NJ girl.......... sit down with your research and tell your husband... he will be glad you did, and so will you.....

[NJGirl32 43]

I just had to laugh at the comment people make to you, that you are not "that" big. I think people get very used to how we look, just as we get used to how we look especially when almost everyone around you is heavier than normal (whatever normal is LOL!). I always thought I wasn't "that" big until got up to over 300 lbs. I had never been that big in my whole life and I was so depressed at how I looked and the person I had become (my eating habits were horrible). It reminded me of when I was a fat child and would get teased so horribly, and eventually I got used to being fat (been that way all my life). There was no way on God's green earther I was going to "get used to" being over 300 pounds! It's good that we decided to have the surgery before we were "that" big. Whatever "that" is! Good luck on your journey.

It's funny you should say that because just the other day I was thinking "I am not that big" but I am big. All 243 pounds of me! When I have to worry about fitting in an airplane seat that's big! I even hate goingto plays and sittingin confined spaces. I would panic if I had to go on any sort of ride at an amusement park! I was even at a comedy show and I had a few remarks made towards me- not funny. I use to be very attractive-now I have a "pretty face". I am too young to feel this old! Thanks for all the support!! This is an awesome resource and network of support!

[NJGirl32 43]

When i first started looking into the LB i of course did it in private. The first person i talked to was my friend Paula... she had had the surgery a year before and was doing great. She was very open to everyone with it. So I went to her in confidence and said I was thinking of having the surgery. She kept my secret, and i so respect her for that. Turns out her life mate and i had our LB surgery on the same day with the same dr.

The next person was my husband. He at first was not so sure, but after I went to him with all my research and with my mind made up that i was doing this for my self, he was right on board. He and i discussed it and i decided to not tell any one, he honored my wishes and kept my secrete. I did tell my Sons and my daughter in law. They were all on board. I didn't even tell my mom or my family at first. About six months after the surgery i told the rest of my family. My mom kept asking if i was ok because i kept losing weight and she didn't know why..... thought I was sick... so I told them.

I started to get comfortable with telling people at about six months. People would ask and i would tell them, i had LB surgery........... THEN...... i started getting "the look". All us WLS people..... know "the look"........... it right after they ask you, How are you doing it... and you say I had LB surgery. It's the YOU TO THE EASY WAY OUT LOOK.

I would get so mad because...... WLS was defiantly not the EASY WAY OUT............ it's hard as hell. Just because you had the surgery does not mean you are will lose weight. My sister in law had it done and weighs more... but she refuses to follow the rules and exercise. I would so love a big fat cheese burger with fries..... and a dr. pepper at the same time....

So now, when some one that has not seen me in a while comes up to me and ask.............how I did it........... i say I watch what i eat and i exercise......

Now, i have lost 71lbs, i could not be happier. My husband, who never complained about my weight, loves the NEW ME..... He love that fact that i have more confidence and in turn feel better about being more intimate. I truly believe it not only saved my life, but marriage (of 20year) is way better. His favorite thing..... i was able to get rid of all my "granny panties".......... and went bought some cute ones at VS....

So, NJ girl.......... sit down with your research and tell your husband... he will be glad you did, and so will you.....

Thanks so much! I'll have to let you all know when and if I tell him- I have 2 dr. appointmentss this week. I am not scheduled until the end of June but I want it moved up if possible.

[BayougirlMrsS 3,934]

NJ.... you will not regret telling him. He will try and be the supportive... "i love you no matter what you look like" husband. But, after the surgery... watch out... I can't keep my husband off me now...lol. I too was a size "0" when i met my husband.... so he has seen me at my best and worst.... now i'm in the middle somewhere.. but i like a size 8.... would love a size 4

My husband said.... really you don't need that, you are beautiful as you are..... but i do own a mirror and i know he was just being a thoughtful husband and trying not to hurt my feelings. I mean.. do we really want to hear from our husband... Yea you really could use all the help you can get... no we don't.

But, i'm glad i told him and my family. And you will too, i'm sure of it.

Good luck with your appts. and i will be praying for you....

By the way..... i so wish i was a jersey girl.... i love the housewives and jerseylious .. oh.. the big hair and the clothes and tans... i love it... My husband has a uncle that lives in Jersey. He had LB and so did one of his daughters.

[Lady Lap Band 71]

You will not be able to keep this from your husband. Believe me after almost 2 years I know from experience that anyone that you live with (unless they are children) will need to/have to know, you just can't hide it.

I made the decision not to tell anyone. However, my husband and my folks seeing I live with them know as well. At first I don't think my husband took me seriously when I told him not to tell anyone because I found out right after I had the surgery that he told his mom which I made him take it back and tell her I had something else done.

I just told him that it's a very private and personal thing to me and I don't want anyone to know. It's not fun to have people watch you and they will once they know you had weight loss surgery.

Just last week I did end up telling a pair of friends because my husband and I are always going out to eat with them and after 2 years I could not hide it from them anymore. This time we went to their house to eat and my friends boyfriend cooked us dinner. He gave me such a large portion I though it would be insulting if I didn't explain why I couldn't eat that much.

They were super cool about it but I also made it clear to them that its very personal and private to me and please not to tell anyone.....I'll let you know how that plays out haha.

Okay, I think I am ready for this procedure...but I really don't wantto tell anyone-not even my husband. My friend at work knows but I am thinking of doing this on my own. I am afraid my husband will tell people and truthfully it's embarassingthat I got to this weight. After the surgery I was just going to stay at a nearby hotel for the first night. I might tell my best friend, but that's it. Has anyone not told their children or their husband? Thanks!

[slm2007 7]

I kind of was selective of who I've chosen to tell.....HOWEVER, I forget that telling my mother was like putting up a billboard on the local highway. I sent well wishes to a family friend and asked how she was recovering from her knee surgery (mind you, she posted the surgery on her FB page which is how I found out).....she sends me back a message and says thanks and wishes me the best of luck on my new upcoming changes. I knew exactly what she was talking about and WHO told her! It's not that I'm embarrassed about the surgery but I don't know what it is....it's just not something I want to share with the entire freaking world until I'm ready...If I fail at this I don't want everyone to know that I even failed at WLS! If I'm successful...then I'll put the darn billboard up myself.! I think this is MY news to share with who I want to share it with WHEN I want to share it.

[MariaMaria 0]

I told my husband, mil, mom, sister and a couple friends. I'm so glad I didn't tell everyone. I wish I had not told my mil. I was banded two years ago..and it's crazy the judgmental people that are out there...and I've even heard extended family members have the "why can't those people just use some self control" conversations. Whatever. I don't have time for that, and really..it's none of their business. My answer to my weight loss is that I eat less, it's that simple. And when they see me eat, they believe it. I say I've learned to eat slow, a small amount and I step away. Big whoop! My entire in laws (probably my mil as well) would think I'd lost my mind....elective surgery!!!??? But you have kids! Ohhh my gosh!!!

I didn't tell my kids either (all under 10) only b/c I have never talked about weight in front of my girls..I don't think they even realized I've lost 80 pounds...I'm just their mom, and they love me either way!

[NJGirl32 43]

NJ.... you will not regret telling him. He will try and be the supportive... "i love you no matter what you look like" husband. But, after the surgery... watch out... I can't keep my husband off me now...lol. I too was a size "0" when i met my husband.... so he has seen me at my best and worst.... now i'm in the middle somewhere.. but i like a size 8.... would love a size 4

My husband said.... really you don't need that, you are beautiful as you are..... but i do own a mirror and i know he was just being a thoughtful husband and trying not to hurt my feelings. I mean.. do we really want to hear from our husband... Yea you really could use all the help you can get... no we don't.

But, i'm glad i told him and my family. And you will too, i'm sure of it.

Good luck with your appts. and i will be praying for you....

By the way..... i so wish i was a jersey girl.... i love the housewives and jerseylious .. oh.. the big hair and the clothes and tans... i love it... My husband has a uncle that lives in Jersey. He had LB and so did one of his daughters.

Thank you for the encoraging words and prayers- really- that touched me so much!

[slm2007 7]

I told my husband, mil, mom, sister and a couple friends. I'm so glad I didn't tell everyone. I wish I had not told my mil. I was banded two years ago..and it's crazy the judgmental people that are out there...and I've even heard extended family members have the "why can't those people just use some self control" conversations. Whatever. I don't have time for that, and really..it's none of their business. My answer to my weight loss is that I eat less, it's that simple. And when they see me eat, they believe it. I say I've learned to eat slow, a small amount and I step away. Big whoop! My entire in laws (probably my mil as well) would think I'd lost my mind....elective surgery!!!??? But you have kids! Ohhh my gosh!!!

I didn't tell my kids either (all under 10) only b/c I have never talked about weight in front of my girls..I don't think they even realized I've lost 80 pounds...I'm just their mom, and they love me either way!

I love what you said about your kids......My son is my reason for this "elective surgery" (I'll get into that later) but I love the fact that they probably didn't even realize you lost weight....I know my son will never notice and I'm looking so forward into being IN the pictures with him....I know he'd love me either way but at least this way I'll be healthy and here for him.

As to "elective surgery" - - I put this in another post somewhere and I'll cut and paste it here so other can read it....I said something to her about this being "elective surgery" and this was her response to me (i've cut and pasted her exact email and I re-read it when I get down on myself)

Last things first, okay? This is not just an elective surgery! This is a life altering surgery. You have struggled with this since before you and I became friends. You are a beautiful young woman and your weight has effected every part of your life. This is not only a good thing to do it is a wonderful thing to do. You will find your entire life changed and only for the good. Okay?????

I love my friend to pieces, she always has the right words for me!