Marriage Advice

[MollyRN 28]

This might be a long one - but I need some advice.....

I have a hot husband. So cute. Rocking body. Runs and work outs and dresses fine. We've been together for 16 years. I kind of feel like I have always been the funny, smart one and he is the hot one. And obviously, people who see my often say, OMG Molly, you look great! And I assume this is taking a little toll on him. I also think that, since he is a chef, that we have a connection over food that we no longer really have. I mean, I am down. I go out, I participate, I never say No, I don't want to go. I just don't really eat anymore.

When i ask him, he says, NO BABY, I am happy for you. It's great. But then he says and does other things that are the opposite. For example, he told me yesterday that being skinny is all I ever wanted so I should be happy with that. This was in the middle of an argument. ANd I was like, DUDE, but I want you - you are important to me - I love you and I want our relationship. But he continued to say, who cares about the relationship when you are getting everything you ever wanted. HUH???

And there are other examples... one day we were thinking about going to the gym together and he said, COME ON, but your gym clothes on and let's go let everyone look at your new body. HUH??????

And yesterday, finally, he said, look how skinny you are - wow, soon you'll leave me and find someone else. I know that this is how some people feel - but I was almost this weight when I met him (before I gained 80 lbs) and honestly, the more weight I lose, the more I want him. The more I feel like I match him. The more I want to jump on him. And he's pushing me away.....

Does anyone have experience with this? I am not giving up on him. I like him a lot. I just need to know what to say to him to calm his inner worries and nuture the connection between us. THANKS PEEPS!

[OnMyWay2Thin 45]

I think, just like any other large change in life, he just needs time to adjust. He's probably just a little insecure right now with you starting to look super hot and, I'm sure, getting a lot more attention now that you've lost such a great amount of weight. My husband says little comments like, "So, when are you going to run off on me, you certainly get enough attention!" I just laugh it off and always reinforce that the only person I want attention from is you!

Your husband is a chef and, I'm sure, he loves cooking special dishes just for you, now that's a little harder. I think time will take care of him understanding that you just can't eat what you used to and he will adjust. But I do think it will take a little time.

Share your post with him, let him see how upset you are over these things and maybe he will adjust more quickly. Heck if you were looking to leave him, you wouldn't be saying on a public board you want to jump him (LOL!) Now that you mention it, that is a real benefit of losing this excess weight... But seriously, just hang in there. You have 16 years on your side and this thing will work out. Just reinforce you love him, he's the only one for you, and laugh off the attention you're getting from others!!

Take care and let us know how it goes!

[karebare714 14]

I think it will just take time for him to regain his self esteem. He is acting childish but we all do sometimes. I have lost 120lbs but am still very overweight. I just got to where I can shop in regular departments. My husband is very large. He is almost double my current weight. We have been together for 13 years and our weight has always bothered each of us about ourselves but not each other. He has been totally supportive and made his first negitive comment the other day. We were walking through the mall and he said "We are that odd couple that everyone looks at now". I was confused and asked what he meant. His reply was "We are the couple that people see and say I wonder why that pretty girl is with that FAT guy?" I was so confused. He has never said anything like that. I am with you on this one girl. I love my husband more than anything and thought we were enjoying the new me together. I think our husbands just have some adapting to do. Good luck.

[cheryl2586 3,053]

You really need to sit down and talk to him about it. Is he really saying those things out of jealousy or to hurt you or is he saying it because he is proud of the fact that you have lost all that weight. You need to ask him what the problem is and why he is uspset if he is about you losing weight when he is a gym rat. That doesnt make much sense when I would think he would want someone that is as fit as himself. If he is upset about you losing weight and somehow feels threatened then why? I would really ask him these things. If his intention was for you to never lose weight or be healthy then I would have to question what his intentions really were and do you really need someone like that in your life. He knew you were going to lose weight and supported the surgery so now ask him what the problem is. If there is one and you have been together a long time then I am sure he will tell you.

[Kiskis 56]

I think you need to keep the communication flowing and sharing how you both feel. It takes a lot of work daily, never go to bed mad, give each other lots of daily hugs & kisses & book some date nights . Good luck & don't give up!

[Birinak 19]

I think, just like any other large change in life, he just needs time to adjust. He's probably just a little insecure right now with you starting to look super hot and, I'm sure, getting a lot more attention now that you've lost such a great amount of weight. My husband says little comments like, "So, when are you going to run off on me, you certainly get enough attention!" I just laugh it off and always reinforce that the only person I want attention from is you!

Your husband is a chef and, I'm sure, he loves cooking special dishes just for you, now that's a little harder. I think time will take care of him understanding that you just can't eat what you used to and he will adjust. But I do think it will take a little time.

Share your post with him, let him see how upset you are over these things and maybe he will adjust more quickly. Heck if you were looking to leave him, you wouldn't be saying on a public board you want to jump him (LOL!) Now that you mention it, that is a real benefit of losing this excess weight... But seriously, just hang in there. You have 16 years on your side and this thing will work out. Just reinforce you love him, he's the only one for you, and laugh off the attention you're getting from others!!

Take care and let us know how it goes!

Great advice, but one thing: I think sharing the post with him would be disastrous! He obviously is expressing his personal insecurities and fears with her... and now he finds out that it's on a messageboard? I think it's great that the OP posted here for advice and support. That's what this board is for, but telling her husband that she did or letting him read it will probably only hurt and embarrass him. Men want to feel independent, strong, and stable. This will make him feel that he's been wrongly portrayed as emotionally weak and childish (or imagine what he'll feel when he reads the posts that follow, where strangers, who've just read about his private behaviour, are calling him "childish!"). Some people are good with reading constructive criticism about themselves, but most people can't do so without feeling betrayed and misunderstood. Those people who can read criticism about themselves without feeling humiliated are those who are secure and self-confident. If anything, we've got reason to believe that he is not feeling 100% secure right now, at least less than his usual self. This would be the worst time for him to see that he's been publicly criticised.

[Rainydayz 3]

I think the advice above is all good. It's natural for one partner to feel off-balance and maybe even threatened a bit by any change in status-quo. Give him time and let him know that you want him more than ever and you are doing this for him as well as yourself. If he continues to be pissy about it after a few months I would look deeper into his feelings. Maybe he needs help with some deep-seated insecurity.

I say this because of my own story. My first husband got all out of sorts when I started college. He accused me of wanting to be better than him and leaving him behind since he hadn't gone to college. I also lost weight at the time and he really couldn't deal with it. He liked me overweight and with no self-confidence because then he felt like I would never leave him no matter how he treated me. And he treated me badly from day one. We wound up splitting up. He just couldn't accept it that my self-confidence was growing. But he had serious problems to start with and the changes in me were simply a catalyst that showed just how deep his problems went. We tried counseling to no avail.

I'm not saying this is what is happening to your DH. On the contrary. If he has been a loving and caring partner for 16 years then I feel sure that this is just a temporary thing. I was only married a couple of years when the big problems started. So definitely let him have his feelings and be understanding of them. But remember that you have to protect your own feelings and self-confidence too. You have rocked the boat a little that's all. You both just have to find the new equilibrium.

[MollyRN 28]

You guys are great. I can't tell you how much I appreciate the advice and input. We had some communication today - and it is so complex. He did finally say that he felt sometimes preop and postop that I would leave him eventually. Get skinny and go. It amazes me how two people can share a life together and be so completely on opposite pages. Like I said, I want him MORE now. So funny. But still, we have to work on this. Tonight, he went to starbucks and got me a skim latte (yum) but he also brought me a slice of the lemon pound cake that I used to love so much. Sweet? Hmmm.... first of all, I couldn't eat it even if I wanted to. That kind of stuff is a guaranteed PB for me.... but even if I could, that's the kind of stuff that got me to this point. I guess fat kinda means safe? And I am sure a lot of this is subconscious for him, he is not super cerebral and kind of a typical guy that is not 100% in tune with his emotions. I didn't beat him up though - I said, THANK YOU BABY - and then didn't eat it. This way, he got both messages. Thanks for thinking of me - but I can't eat that stuff anymore. Tomorrow is a new day - and a new chance for us to continue working through this. Skinny = safe too. Or committed and faithful if not SAFE

[sparkplug 106]

This might be a long one - but I need some advice.....

I have a hot husband. So cute. Rocking body. Runs and work outs and dresses fine. We've been together for 16 years. I kind of feel like I have always been the funny, smart one and he is the hot one. And obviously, people who see my often say, OMG Molly, you look great! And I assume this is taking a little toll on him. I also think that, since he is a chef, that we have a connection over food that we no longer really have. I mean, I am down. I go out, I participate, I never say No, I don't want to go. I just don't really eat anymore.

When i ask him, he says, NO BABY, I am happy for you. It's great. But then he says and does other things that are the opposite. For example, he told me yesterday that being skinny is all I ever wanted so I should be happy with that. This was in the middle of an argument. ANd I was like, DUDE, but I want you - you are important to me - I love you and I want our relationship. But he continued to say, who cares about the relationship when you are getting everything you ever wanted. HUH???

And there are other examples... one day we were thinking about going to the gym together and he said, COME ON, but your gym clothes on and let's go let everyone look at your new body. HUH??????

And yesterday, finally, he said, look how skinny you are - wow, soon you'll leave me and find someone else. I know that this is how some people feel - but I was almost this weight when I met him (before I gained 80 lbs) and honestly, the more weight I lose, the more I want him. The more I feel like I match him. The more I want to jump on him. And he's pushing me away.....

Does anyone have experience with this? I am not giving up on him. I like him a lot. I just need to know what to say to him to calm his inner worries and nuture the connection between us. THANKS PEEPS!

You make me laugh! My husband told me the same thing. AFter losing 90 pds and him thinking I look fantastic even though I still see myself fat. My husband says he hopes that somebody doesn't try to steal me away from him. We have been married for 32 years. I don't ever see that happening but it is so sweet to hear my husband saying and worrying that somebody is going to steal me away. It makes this journey so well worth the struggles along the way. I am to goal and have been maintaing for 1 1/2 yrs and I do cheat now and again on Snacks when we go out to eat, but this winter has been very cold and rainy in Arizona and I did put on 3 pds that need to come off. I have been going up and down with these 3 pds but until the weather is warmer and I get to swimming and plenty of yard work, they will go up and down. Enjoy the compliments and just reassure your partner that you are not going anywhere and things will be fine.

[Kiskis 56]

Molly I am so glad it worked out .

[Gorda123 2]

So, i just read all of it..i know its been 2 months since...but how is it going?

I have lost 50lbs and i am half way, I already see my husband making comments and doing little things that sabotage my efforts ( bringging home chocolate cupcakes) unfortunally i dont have alot of restriction and that crap can go down just fine. He is talk dark and hansome..maybe 20lbs overweight but he carries it like a football player and we have been married for almost 10 years with 3 small kids.

Anyways, I hope you and your Hot Hubby have talked and he is feeling more secure that you are not going anywhere.

YOur pics are great! you must be so proud

Vic

This might be a long one - but I need some advice.....

I have a hot husband. So cute. Rocking body. Runs and work outs and dresses fine. We've been together for 16 years. I kind of feel like I have always been the funny, smart one and he is the hot one. And obviously, people who see my often say, OMG Molly, you look great! And I assume this is taking a little toll on him. I also think that, since he is a chef, that we have a connection over food that we no longer really have. I mean, I am down. I go out, I participate, I never say No, I don't want to go. I just don't really eat anymore.

When i ask him, he says, NO BABY, I am happy for you. It's great. But then he says and does other things that are the opposite. For example, he told me yesterday that being skinny is all I ever wanted so I should be happy with that. This was in the middle of an argument. ANd I was like, DUDE, but I want you - you are important to me - I love you and I want our relationship. But he continued to say, who cares about the relationship when you are getting everything you ever wanted. HUH???

And there are other examples... one day we were thinking about going to the gym together and he said, COME ON, but your gym clothes on and let's go let everyone look at your new body. HUH??????

And yesterday, finally, he said, look how skinny you are - wow, soon you'll leave me and find someone else. I know that this is how some people feel - but I was almost this weight when I met him (before I gained 80 lbs) and honestly, the more weight I lose, the more I want him. The more I feel like I match him. The more I want to jump on him. And he's pushing me away.....

Does anyone have experience with this? I am not giving up on him. I like him a lot. I just need to know what to say to him to calm his inner worries and nuture the connection between us. THANKS PEEPS!