Can't reach my therapist at the moment so ... I just need to talk about it ...

[Phranp 46]

Ok, so I have been under a great deal of stress lately. My mom was in the hospital (I posted about it last week), she had a few little strokes. She is better, but not great. She is 90 and has a benign tumor in her head, it became inflamed and coupled with some calcification in her brain (idk, I don't understand everything the doc said), she had some little strokes that effected her speech and other functions. Anyway, she is out of the hospital, her speech is better ... but she is still having trouble staying awake. Intellectually I realize that my mom is 90 and I am lucky to still have her around, but emotionally ... it is hard to deal with. But I have been coping.

Well, Monday night I find out that a close family friend (my mother was going to marry his father several years ago) had a stroke and died -- he was younger than me! It took me 2 days to call his wife. They were married almost 30 years. I was with him the night they met. He was ready to marry her that night. So, I dreaded calling her ... so much sadness. I finally called, got her answering machine. That was good, I left a message. I will see her on Saturday when I pick up her sis-in-law from the airport. He was a really good guy. I will miss him.

I have been trying every which way but loose, not to eat over everything that is going on. I have prayed, meditated, walked, everything I can think of to keep my mind off the fact that he is gone and how painful this is for his family. Of late I have focused on drinking more Water. I did really good yesterday and today. Then, about 10:45 a.m. I got hungry; and as time passed I felt hungrier and hungrier. As noon approached I thought I was going to chew my arm off. The thing is, I don't really get physically hungry. When I stopped to listen to my body - my stomach wasn't grumbling, I wasn't weak, I didn't have hunger pangs - but I was STARVING. And it was all in my head. I went downstairs and bought lunch -- food that I haven't eaten in more than a year -- and rarely ate before that (mainly because I don't really like it). I bought 6 chicken mcnuggets and a small fry. I started with the fries, they didn't taste anything like I expected them to and stopped after eating about 6 of them. My stomach was full and my band was tight (from stress) but I was determined to eat my nuggets. Well, they wouldn't stay down. But I didn't stop until I threw up so hard that it hurt. Now I am in PAIN. My left side just below my rib hurts sooooo much. I thought I had injured my band, but I don't think so because I can drink water and keep it down. I probably have some swelling and will have to live on liquids for the next few days -- which is just as well. Previous to the past few weeks, I had been handling my emotional eating fairly (not perfectly) well. But, then again, life hadn't thrown me any "loops" in a good while either.

Suffice it to say, I have learned my lesson (only time will tell). I have a call in to my therapist. I am sure she will call soon. I have a lot to think about regarding my food addiction and my band. I don't want to spend the rest of my life struggling with emotional eating. And I certainly don't want to damage my band. I have to admit that it has been better, but with the band it is just not possible to soothe myself with food. I will continue to work through it. The good news is that I won't be able to eat tonight. I am sure there is swelling around my band, so it's Protein Shakes for tonight and tomorrow at the very least.

Thanks for letting me vent. This forum is a life saver.

~Fran

[cheryl2586 3,053]

Im sorry for your loss Fran. My best friend died in January on the 8th she was only 36. She died of a massive heart attack and no explanation. I was devestated to say the least because it wasnt odd not hearing from her for a few weeks but I didnt find out until a few weeks later that she died. I didnt even get to say goodbye or anything. Losing someone we love or having a loved one ill is enough in its self to make you want to eat just for comfort. We are strong and can handle anything because after all the hardest thing was getting banded and look how far we have overcome food wise. I cant say it gets easier with time because my friend I miss her terrible. I moved 5 hours away and we planned on her coming up here after the holidays and it never happened. I got one final email from her the day before she died and wont even delete it. Hang on and stay strong. It is very hard in times like this but if we can do it now we can do it always. Hugs and love to you.

Cheryl

[Phranp 46]

Thanks so much fluffy. I am sorry to hear about your best friend ... she was much too young to die. I totally understand how you are still missing her terribly.

My therapist called me back and we talked for a bit. She gave me a couple of breathing exercises that have helped with stress in the past. I will see her Saturday morning.

I must allow myself to mourn and grieve the loss of my friend. Eating will not ease my pain ... I must make that my mantra. I won't give up!

Thank you again.

Hugs

~Fran

[ElfiePoo 109]

Fran,

I am so sorry you're going through all of this. Don't beat yourself up. It takes time to learn how to change how we cope with grief and stress. Just keep moving forward. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

.

[Phranp 46]

Thanks Melody,

I haven't been a wreck like this in a very long time. I know that I will get through this, I just don't want to damage my band - or my weight loss - in the process.

Thanks for your prayers and thoughts, they are much appreciated.

~Fran

[Kalipso2 25]

i've been in that dark place where your are... and it's scary. i had never been more scared in my life. at that point in my life (which was pre-band), i had multiple people i know die. i was consumed with grief that i was having thoughts of "doing something drastic". thankfully, i had a therapist at the time and things got better. i'm glad to hear you have a therapist too that will help you out of this dark time.

a lot of us have "binged" like you did with the mcnuggets. i'm sure your band is fine and the experience scared you enough that hopefully you won't go down that path again during the next stressful moments in your life.

it sounds like you had SO many great memories of your friend, so try to concentrate on how happy his life was... and probably still is!

[stateofzen 46]

I'm sorry you're going through such a rough time, Phran. That's a lot of stress to have to deal with, not to mention the grief. I wish you the best, and I hope your swelling goes down quickly-- don't forget the liquid tylenol to help with the pain.

[Phranp 46]

Many thanks to all. Today has been a better day. Didn't want to get out of bed this morning, but got up anyway and did my 2 1/2 miles. It really helps ... and so do all of you.

Have a wonderful weekend.

Be blessed.

~Fran

[OnMyWay2Thin 45]

I just wanted to say I'm sorry for your loss and hope that your wonderful memories can sustain you through this hard time. Your band will be fine and you seem to know exactly what is going on and why you're wanting to binge. I truly believe understanding that is halfway there to correcting it. Stay strong but allow yourself to cry and grieve. This, too, shall pass and your memories will get you through. Good luck.