Seperated/Divorced parents w/kids

[porclndoll 0]

I need some advise, and pretty quick. I didn't know where else to go to get some advise, and well, right now I dont want to listen to my family....Okay...in a nut shell.....my husband and I are sepereated. I have the papers on my desk to serve him to go to court for custody of our son. Nothing has been officially worked out as far as visitation goes. He has been paying me support faithfully every week. However, god, I can't believe I am going to post my family stuff out here for everyone, but here goes.......my husband is an alcoholic.... He drank himself stupid a few weeks back and ended up in the hospital for a week. Since his release with some meds and some counseling lined up, I have been supervising visitation with our son. Now he wants our son over the weekend. I dunno...Im scared.....but I dont think at this point I can tell him no...legally...........I dunno, cause the situation was a bit deeper than him just drinking himself stupid.....I wont go into all the details. If I ask our son if he wants to go I know he will say no. When I supervised visitation at my husbands place our son spent most of his time there playing with me or in his bedroom. I saw really no interation between the two of them. I dunno maybe its different when Im not around, but that night our son asked to go home, to where we live now~ he didn't want to be at daddys. I am sooo confused......I know its important for them to spend time together....I dont want to keep either from each other...I want to do the right thing.....I am a pitbull when it comes to my kid....and some people say I am over protective....I dont believe in such a thing an "over protective" parent. Better safe than sorry right??? Soo what do I do here??? I think things are safe...but Im scared....

Okay...thanks for listening~

TTYL

[HunnyBun 2]

Go with your gut! Serve the papers, and explain that you will allow visitations no problem as long as you are present. You have to do what is best for your son.

My son has not seen his father since he was a baby and I intend to keep it that way. No example is better than a bad one. Keep your son away from the alcoholic. JMO

[Iluvharleys 15]

The court can order supervisied visitation that won't even involve you. I don't know all your details, but it sounds like something happened that the boy doesn't even want to be around his dad. I wouldn't make him go unless there was a court order that said I had to. I would just tell the dad that he doesn't want to go to his house. If necessary, let your son tell him how he feels himself.

[It's me-Debbydo 0]

First of all how was Anthony's surgery???? How does he feel???

I would agree go with your gut and you can fall back on anthonys need for continuity and sleeping in the same place yadda yadda yadda.

(((((HUGS)))))

Debbydo

[porclndoll 0]

Betty....The situation that came up a few weeks ago didn't involve our son at all. My son was at home with my mother and what occured happened at my husbands place. The relationship that I have with our son is very different than the one he has with his father. My husband is a lot more strick I guess you can say with our son than I am...I was not the "disaplinarian" Our son was never hit and I know that my husband wouldn't physically hurt him......but I think that our son just knows that when hes home with me he can pretty much do what ever he wants to do, within limits of course....but when hes with his father, its different. I know if I asked our son if he wanted to go with his father over night he would say no. I am sooo for giving children choices. I wouldnt want to force him into something he didn't want to do. Sooo I think this is what I may do. I need to have a LONG TALK with my husband about trust and how I am feeling regarding the incident a few weeks ago... Tell him where I am with everything....and then tell him he can have our son, but he needs to bring him back to me for bed time. I think thats fair...for now....Then once we go to court, then maybe have something in there about visitation. This isn't an easy situation. My husband has been doing everything right since he was released from the hospital........meds/therapy/support.....I dunno...scarey and confusing and heart breaking all at the same time! Oh what fun. I could visit the Wizard of Oz all by myself and get all the things that were requested all by myself~ Courage, A new heart from it being broken, and a brain cause the old one is fried out...Oh and a Home, my own home one that i dont share with my mom~(even thou I am grateful for being able to come home with her) GEEZ Life is screwy when you make Wizard of Oz references....ehehehe thanks for listening~

[SuperDaddy! 1]

Among the many hats I wear...I'm a public school teacher. I've taught many many kids with no dad in the picture. Their success is determined by the support they receive. If he is in a bonafide treatment program...and the visits can be supervised...than I'd ask yourself how he treats your son. If it's with any measure of love and respect, then your son could benefit from having a father, even in a limited capacity. I don't know of very many dads who are faithful with payments like yours, and for me that says something. I'm not saying he's a saint...but maybe, just maybe he's one of the guys that can beat his addiction. That's what we're all trying to do with a band, right?!?

More importantly than seeing dad, though....does your son see you? I mean are you working more that you're separated? Is your son feeling safe and secure and nurtured throughout the day? I spent years in school for teaching, and lots of that in child psychology classes...and this kid needs a support system that includes you primarily, but not solely. He needs social play groups, other family members, often a church to plug into is the key from what I see.

All of this to say: protect your son, but walk carefully through this process and earnestly seek what's best for him. My guess is that if you tell your ex that he has to clean up or he won't have a relationship with his son...he'll attempt some changes.

It's not a perfect answer, but since divorce was never meant to happen, it's always messy. You will be in my prayers this week as you think about what to do. I hope that all works out for the best.

Jon.

....by the way...do you have wise counsel? A pastor maybe? You need professional counsel through this, too.

[bandayed 0]

Maybe this is naive, but is there a 3rd party -- maybe a relative or close friend that could go along with your son to visit his Dad? That way he can have the visit without the Mom intereaction yet it is still supervised until a more formal arrangement is made............Even if your husband is doing the right things, trust your gut -- your son is a child and needs you

!

[porclndoll 0]

Hey SuperDaddy... Our son sees me and gets my full support (physical, emotional, mental) every day all day. I have been a stay at home mom for years. Our son is disabled and I walked out of a full time job with great pay and benefits to support all of our sons needs. The financial end fell on my husband. Our son has a ton of family (we live with my mom now) and he has a great group of friends at school. As far as councel with Pastors and churches....we dont belong to a church and I dont see us joining one any time soon. Just not our thing. Dont get me wrong, we have our religion, but its practised at home. I know he is fighting addiction just like us with the band...but unlike us, he doesn't need alcohol to survive....we need food to live~ Did you ever try giving a recovering alcoholic just a sip of vodka? Can get pretty ugly~ I think what I am going to do for now is make it perfectly clear that I need to trust him again. The night that all this crap came down, I totally lost trust in him....that says alot considering we were together for 15 years~ I think I am going to allow our son to go during the day and then just have my husband bring him home at night.....that too will enforce the continuity of Anthonys "new home"..I am going to call my husband now to try and talk to him about these issues and see where this gets us. Communication was never our strong points. Obviously~ Im sorry if my tone seems a little off, I surely dont mean it to be.....Im not trying to be mean or sarcastic.....just thoughts that are coming out...I asked for input and I truely truely appreciate it~~~~

Thanks again for listening~ Oh, forgot to mention...My primary support in all this is my father. My father does have the ablity to see both sides of the issue. I am a Daddys girl and he doesn't want to see anything bad happen to me or to his Grandson....but he does tell it to me straight~ I have a very special relationship with my father and he doesn't hesitate to tell me Oh no girl Your wrong when I am wrong....Dads are very special and I know what its like to be without one. My father spent alot of time away from the family when I was growing up...like in other states...not at work....my parents were seperated more than they were married...so I do not want our son to have to experience the same feelings I did......

[gentlespirit 1]

I think Super Daddy's advice about a counselor for you is right on target. You are going through a lot of stress on this issue, and an uninvolved party can give you some guidance and help in keeping yourself emotionally healthy and grounded. I used Lutheran Social Services...they do counseling from either a religious or non-religious standpoint, whichever you are comfortable with. They also have a sliding fee scale if money is an issue for you. They were an absolute lifesaver and huge blessing to me.

Ten years ago I went through a horrible year with recuperation from a very, very serious car accident and a divorce in the middle of that year (my decision). My sons were 12 and 14 at the time of the divorce and didn't want to see their father. I left it up to them and didn't insist that they see him. I don't know how old your son is or whether you feel he's old enough to make that decision. If worst comes to worst, perhaps you should consult an attorney and explain your concerns and reservations.

You'll be in my prayers...hugs to you.

Emily

[queenbeeoffour 0]

I've been through a divorce with an alcoholic and it is so tough. My ex was great at paying support, but that was it. Please consider a few things:

- going to Alanon meetings - this is support for people that have relationships with alcoholics. You'll get support and tools that will help you in all aspects of your life.

- keep a written record of your interactions, especially if alcohol is involved. You mentioned that he is going through recovery - I hope for all of you that he's able to stick with it.

- I never forced my daughter to see her dad, and there was only one time that I told him couldn't have her because he showed up drunk (she was a teenager at that point). I realize that your son has special needs, but he does need to spend time with his dad, supervised or not, good, bad or ugly. A third party would be good to get involved so that he does interact with dad.

I wish nothing but the best for you and your son during this time. I lived with my mom when I split with my ex, so can relate to what you are going through.

[porclndoll 0]

Hey guys..I made it thru the night and came to a rational decision..I let our son go with his father for the weekend. I am going to pop in and pay a surprize visit sometime today just for my own peace of mind. I had a long talk with my husband last night and I believe he is committed to recovery. I have a lot of trust issues as it is, and I dont want that to be my sons problem. Soo....I am living for today and today only. I am making decisions for today and today only. Today my husband is sober, he is on his meds, he is doing what he needs to do. Tomorrow, well, we dont know what tomorrow will bring, but I will make the right decisions tomorrow when it gets here. This approach is going to keep me sane~ I will pop in, I will call...I will make sure things are okay over there. Shoot, its not beyond me to just go and stand outside and listen to whats going on. I know I know, borders stalking.....gotta catch me first

I do journal everything, every day. It helps me get things out and keep tract of what goes on. I have considered Alanon...but I dont have time for one more meeting~ Wonder if they have an online support group? Hum, something to look into.....I do have a therapist, she is wonderful and she is available when ever I need her, all I have to do is call...and my family...and my friends....

Thanks ever so much everyone for the support and time and suggestions. I do appreciate it. Like I said in one of my above postings, sorry if my tone is off~~~ I am not trying to be mean or snippy...just all the thoughts coming out at once....Sometimes tones and attitude gets misread on the computer~~~I dont want to offend anyone~~~

TTYL

Letcha know how the late night stalking errrr visit goes....muahahahahah

[porclndoll 0]

anca~

Thank you for your insight. I do appreciate it. My parents had a very rocky relationship and my mother kept me from my father....shoot, Im 33 and she still tries. She did what she thought was best though. Looking back on it all, I dont know what she accomplished by not letting us see each other. My father had a lot of issues that were part of her decision to stop us from seeing each other. But he could have come to the house and seen me, we could have spent days together. I have an AWESOME relationship with my father now and I really think it sucks that we were held away from one another for years!!! I spent a lot of time hating him for things that were force fed into my head.......hating him for things I couldn't have changed then and certainly can't change now......I dont want our son to grow up thinking I kept them two apart. I know it hurts a child when they dont see their parent for what ever reason. You sound like the rare case where your comfortable without your dad in your life. I wasn't comfortable with it. I cried for him day in and day out. My son occassionally asks for his father. I call him on the phone and let the two of them talk...and today when his father came for him, my son couldn't get his hat and coat on quick enough~ So, I know he misses his daddy. I do believe taking it one day at a time is going to really help us all out right now.

Talk to you soon~

[porclndoll 0]

Anca

Thank you for the compliments~ It is hard to try and balance every thing sometimes...but I gotta do it~ Your a Sagittarius...You have that ablity to cut people off~ Among many other talents!! You would make an awesome lawyer!! You hold strong to your opinions and beliefs. You wont be swayed! My sister is a Sag and my son is a Sag. You were actually banded on my sons Birthday!!

[cmr 0]

You must be emotionally exhausted. I have been the divorce route and I have had more than my share of experience with alchoholics. Everyone's advice is good but PLEASE PLEASE find the time to attend an Alanon meeting. Yes they do have them on line but you really need to go to one in person. The best place to look for help is at one of those meetings. They will really identify with you and have lots of suggestions for you on your journey. You are probably blaming yourself for something right now but the situation that you are in is not your fault, only your problem. Living with an alchoholic can do unbelievable things to your confidence. These people are here to help. Please take the time to go to a meeting. I promise that you won't regret it.

[Anwyn 0]

Hey Porclndoll, just popping in to give you a huge (((((((HUG))))))) since I know you're probably stressing about your DS being away tonight. You obviously have your son's best interests at heart. He's lucky to have such an amazing mom.