How Can People Who Share the Same Struggle Be So Judgmental?

[BASIMAH 9]

I am a new lapbander and I have read numerous posts where people are sharing their personal feelings and concerns about the lap-band procedure and I've seen the most heartless responses. How can people who share in the same weight struggle be so judgmental and cruel? I myself have received some rude responses for my posts. Don't get me wrong, I know that people will be people, you have the good the bad and the down right ugly who build themselves up by putting others down. But, honestly, I thought this site would be a little more sensitive to those with weight issues. Weight issues stem from eating disorders in many cases, and these disorders aren't going to go away over night. Sometimes people make mistakes and turn to sites like this for a little encouragement. I'm sorry, but I have had my successes and I have also failed at times. And because I know I am prone to fail, I can show a little understanding to someone in their time of need. If you have responded harshly to someone who may have been crying out for help or encouragement...shame on you. If not, thank you for your kind words. You never know how your words can hurt or help someone.

[christina353 1]

Well said! Saalams

[MrsHumphreys 1]

Basimah - I completely understand where you're coming from. Awhile ago I posted about my trepidations and frustrations with the judgemental and harsh comments some people respond with. That post ended up being the best thing I could have done, because from that I found many people who ARE supportive, caring, understanding and non-judgemental. I wouldn't blame you for leaving... it left me with such a sour taste in my mouth that I considered it, too. My decision to stay was only because of the loving responses I received from my post. It made me realize I'm not really alone. Unfortunately, the Jerky responses are pretty regular; even more regretable is the fact that those people make others like you (and me!) feel alone and at times sub-standard, which is WRONG. Just know that there are those of us out here that are willing to admit that we are HUMAN!! We make mistakes! That many are here today from issues that aren't simply cured with the placement of a band around our stomachs, and that healing from the inside of the mind takes time and support! If you do decide to leave, I hope you are able to find a support system elsewhere. Good luck on your journey!

[zeniada 9]

Sorry to see you go...

Not all of us are harsh and genuinely care about the concerns and issues of others.

[Noturningback15 45]

I complete understand! I was thinking the same thing this morning after reading some rude responses. Some people are so quick to display their superior knowledge about weight loss they do not even know their replies are rude. I have also noticed how people are trying to outdo each other with who knows the most about the band, calories, and freaking formulas! It’s actually hilarious sometimes because if you are such an expert then why you are in the same position that I am in?

[Cleo's Mom 257]

I am a new lapbander and I have read numerous posts where people are sharing their personal feelings and concerns about the lap-band procedure and I've seen the most heartless responses. How can people who share in the same weight struggle be so judgmental and cruel? I myself have received some rude responses for my posts. Don't get me wrong, I know that people will be people, you have the good the bad and the down right ugly who build themselves up by putting others down. But, honestly, I thought this site would be a little more sensitive to those with weight issues. Weight issues stem from eating disorders in many cases, and these disorders aren't going to go away over night. Sometimes people make mistakes and turn to sites like this for a little encouragement. I'm sorry, but I have had my successes and I have also failed at times. And because I know I am prone to fail, I can show a little understanding to someone in their time of need. If you have responded harshly to someone who may have been crying out for help or encouragement...shame on you. If not, thank you for your kind words. You never know how your words can hurt or help someone.

You are so right. There are several kinds of posters who respond to post from struggling posters. They are:

1) The successful, know-it-all. It worked for me because I followed all the rules. And if you follow the rules it will work for you. The band is only a tool ad infinitum, ad nauseum.

2) Those who think the poster just needs some " tough love" and they're just the ones to give it. No apologies here.

3) The stupid poster who says things like - I am so sorry you are struggling. I've never really had any problems myself. I lost 50 lbls the first month without a fill and 100 lbs. in the next three and can eat most foods but in smaller quantities.

4) The resident "doctor" who tries to explain in clinical terms how the band works and why it should work for you if you only do the right things.

And then there is the poster who actually can offer some sympathy and good advice in a way that would be well received. They offer several concrete suggestions that the poster can try. We need more of these types of posters.

[Pinkygirl 34]

I totally agree with u! some people on here like to throw things in our faces cuz we are new and dumb. I cant believe how some can be after losing 100lbs. Its like ha ha ha you are an idiot for posting that on here how dare you? I find alot of things on here offsensive and its sad when we come here to find support and answers.

[Tally23 0]

Totally agree- Great post!!! Same thought has crossed my mind..

[ElfiePoo 109]

But it's not all one sided. There is no body language here so it's difficult to read a person's intent. I generally give people the benefit of the doubt unless they start name calling. The truth is that no matter how polite someone is, there's always someone else who chooses to believe that person is rude.

.

[Humming Bird 275]

I have been on both sides ..... I have been offended and I'm sure I have offended others. I'm not so sure they were trying to offend me and I know I have not tried to intentionally offend anyone. I try to just keep in mind that we are not all just fat people. We come from all walks of life and are all unique in our personalities. There have been times when the site and the people get on my nerves. I just take a little break and then return. If someone really rubs you the wrong way just put them on your ignore list and go on about your own journey. It's as simple as that.

Please keep in mind that I am not perfect and I can really only stand to be nice 98% of the time

I have had pretty good luck with the band and try to offer help with how it has worked for me. What I say may not help you one bit. You may think I'm an idiot. I may be an idiot. At least I'm a thin sexy idiot in my own shallow mind

My point is ..... try not to be so offended. We are all just human.

[Miss Na 0]

Basimah,

I felt the same way when i join on here. I felt I was taking more of the negative then the positive on here. And I remember i seen someone say if we live our lifes then we wouldnt have time on here worrying about what people say. Which I found this to be very true and I stop coming on here for a little bit, and I started living my life ... I did get a lot of great info from very nice people on here. But some people can be really mean. You are so right about the eating disorders and everything.. Very Well said!

[Melissannde 41]

Agree with Elfiepoo & Hummingbird. So very easy to misread on the 'net. Anytime I get offended on a forum, email, website.. I step away for a few days. Time sometimes gives a different perspective.

[Andy Dufresne 0]

FWIW...My 2 Cents...

Stay positive and don't pay any mind to what negative people say. You're right- there ARE plenty of people who look to make others look bad (Thinking it will make them look good), as well as plenty of people who think that THEIR way is the ONLY way to do something correctly. This applies to every facet of life as well as recovering from lap band surgery.

Be positive in what you do, and do not worry about negativity from others. There are many people who will be positive and give you constructive advice; These are the ones you should pay mind to and take the good from them while at the same time block out the negativity. This is the internet, and if you are sensitive to what people are writing behind their computers on a message board, then you should probably re-evaluate your priorites.

Again, good luck in your recovery, and do what you know is best. Stop being so sensitive, and just filter out the negativity. I have found in life that when you let someone know that what they are doing is bothering you (When their entire intention WAS to bother you), then you are giving them exactly what they want and putting undue stress on yourself. Be positive, and move in the right direction with or without the support of others.

Good Luck!

[bigtom1948 8]

I havn't seen the meaness that some of you have written about in this thread. I don't see flames or overtly devisive comments. I hope that I never do. If you do see someone being that preditory then it should be reported useing the little yellow triangle at the bottom of the posting. Because offensive, derogatory or hurtful posts really don't belong here.

I do think that some folks are somewhat careless in the composition of thier responses. As said earlier in this thread its sometimes problomatic to convey intent in the text. This is especially true for the casual writer who may unintentionally offend the reader. I try very hard to write clearly and use the emoticons to support the intent. Even then, I sometimes make gaffs The emoticons, although not perfect, are useful.

It's really unfortunate that most of us have fallen away from writing personal notes or letters to other folks. Its a skill honed with practice to a keen edge in hope that the reciever of the missive is not unsure of the intent of the sender. But, even with that there are players that like to lace thier prose with double meanings. I don't think that happens here. I believe it's just the lack of writing style and the use of sloppy syntax that we have nowadays.

Most of the posts and responses are folks trying to be helpful and can be used or ignored at the will of the reader. I have seen some of the responses that appeared overly clinical while others seemed dismissive but all were trying in thier own way to be helpful

I know I want encouragement and understanding when I am lost, afraid or need help and therefore I try to encourage and praise in my response to posts. I do not have the right to criticise other folks requests for help as failings when I have so often failed myself. It's just not right to do that. So to all of us in the journey, rally round, be brave, love yourselves and others and thus we all can move forward.

God Bless

Tom

[B-52 7,113]

I have reading posts here for only 1 week.

I am a active member on a few other sites with different interests.

What the OP is stating is no different than what is the case on other message board sites.

I can cut and paste her message on a site for classic automobiles and it would fit right in.

It's unfortunate, but that is the way message boards are. It's not going to change.