Partners who Sabotage

[mmarshalynne 0]

When I was thinking about getting the lapband surgery, he was 100% for it. He said he had watched me struggle for years and was tired of it. He claimed that he would be supportive and even eat whatever I had to eat to be on the diet. Not only has he not been supportive, he has went to eating the foods that I have the greatest weakness for - foods that he never liked or was never interested in eating before. Whatever I eat he follows behind me checking the information on back and challenging me as to what I should or should not be eating. He screamed about me eating Tomato Soup (made with water) when I went from clear to creamy liquids, but he says he could not care less if I lost weight or not. He seems angry all of the time. He doesn't want to talk. If I try, he starts screaming. He is in good physical shape and very attractive, but somehow he thinks I am getting in shape to move on in my life and leave him. The stress is immense. I am miserable, and he has moved into the other bedroom. Any suggestions?

[bonnie51 4]

When I was thinking about getting the lapband surgery, he was 100% for it. He said he had watched me struggle for years and was tired of it. He claimed that he would be supportive and even eat whatever I had to eat to be on the diet. Not only has he not been supportive, he has went to eating the foods that I have the greatest weakness for - foods that he never liked or was never interested in eating before. Whatever I eat he follows behind me checking the information on back and challenging me as to what I should or should not be eating. He screamed about me eating Tomato Soup (made with water) when I went from clear to creamy liquids, but he says he could not care less if I lost weight or not. He seems angry all of the time. He doesn't want to talk. If I try, he starts screaming. He is in good physical shape and very attractive, but somehow he thinks I am getting in shape to move on in my life and leave him. The stress is immense. I am miserable, and he has moved into the other bedroom. Any suggestions?

Oh, Dear,

I am sorry you are going thru this. It seems obvious he is very threatened by your weight loss. Has he always been jealous and controlling? This must be just miserable for you, but you can't let him sabotage your weight loss and journey to health. Perhaps he will come around if you just go about your business and get healthy.

Do you have a counselor or pastor you can turn to?

Please try and get some help for both of you.

Good luck with your continued success.

Bonnie

[Miss A 1]

Sounds to me like he is very insecure and he doesn't wanna see you do good. Only you can decide what is the best thing for you to do with reguards to him but I will say to stay strong and continue to keep up the good work with your weight lost.

Best Wishes to you!

[Lady Jenna 2]

whoohoo... I am not alone... ooops sorry not what I ment...

I am going thru this too and I haven't even gotn it done yet!! The dumb part is he is just starting out in his buisness full time and he is the one who really needs to eat healthy ... A magician.. I mean come on.... its hard enough to do the stuff when your in shape but he can't even walk across the floor with out huffin and puffin and he is a junk food junky and he does the samething that your partner is doing to you... I am not married yet to him and I can tell this is either going to MAKE IT OR BREAK IT and I will tell you now...THIS IS NOT OUR FAULTS... period!!! I can promise you that!!!

Remind yourself that as hard as this is on you..YOU ARE WORTH THIS and sooooooo much more!!...his choice to either make this work or not.. you have done nothing wrong.. always remember that!!!... Just do me a favor.... keep reminding me of this too... Cause its harder then the choice of geting the Lap BAnd or not!!!

[Katy Castro 1]

Sounds like it's serious conversation time with him.

I would remind him of the support he offered pre-op. And I'd attempt to cover what his insecurities are about your weight loss. It's not at all uncommon for our partners to feel as though we're going to "get hot and leave them." So remind him of all the reasons that you love him. Tell him why you want to do this for YOU, your health, and how that will make you a better person for him.

And if you can find a common ground with all of that, ask for his support again. Tell him specifically what is a problem for you and see if he can go back to the support that he gave pre-op. Also, try to make him an accountability partner. Make sure he knows what the rules are from your surgeon like how much you should be eating, what your Protein requirements are, and what your calorie range is. And then tell him what you've done for the day including your workout routine. Sharing MORE of this journey with him may help to include him in the changes rather than leaving him feeling like he's not part of the loop, not important in your new lifestyle changes, and while you're doing this for you, helps him as well.

I wish you all the luck in the world!

[emjay 8]

When I was thinking about getting the lapband surgery, he was 100% for it. He said he had watched me struggle for years and was tired of it. He claimed that he would be supportive and even eat whatever I had to eat to be on the diet. Not only has he not been supportive, he has went to eating the foods that I have the greatest weakness for - foods that he never liked or was never interested in eating before. Whatever I eat he follows behind me checking the information on back and challenging me as to what I should or should not be eating. He screamed about me eating Tomato Soup (made with water) when I went from clear to creamy liquids, but he says he could not care less if I lost weight or not. He seems angry all of the time. He doesn't want to talk. If I try, he starts screaming. He is in good physical shape and very attractive, but somehow he thinks I am getting in shape to move on in my life and leave him. The stress is immense. I am miserable, and he has moved into the other bedroom. Any suggestions?

I have a different opinion than Katy in regards to what you told us. The journey is difficult enough when you have support let alone when you feel someone is out to sabotage you. You didn't say whether you are married or not, so I'll assume no for now. You really have to ask yourself the tough question of whether or not you want to be with somebody who doesn't want the best for you and for you to be happy. I'm not saying to ditch the guy right now without giving him the opportunity to improve, but my idea of being supportive is not crawling up on behind everytime you eat something he doesn't "approve" of. I don't think there is a single person out there who hasn't eaten something "forbidden" or not necessarily band-friendly.

A heart-to-heart conversation with him in a non-defensive manner may help to put things on the right track. Let him know what you consider and need in terms of support. Whether that means someone to exercise with, someone that takes an interest in what your feelings are when you struggle, someone that can help create boundaries (like keeping a special place for food items that he can eat, but are your weakness)...whatever "support" means to you. Personally, I don't need a hawk watching every single morsel that does in my mouth. I have and had enough issues with food that I don't need to compound them by someone getting to be the judge and jury over what I can eat.

If he gets defensive, try and understand and ask why. Is he afraid of losing you? Or what you are capable of? And if he continues to behave the way he has in the past, you have to figure out if this is the kind of relationship you want long-term. Can you be successful on your journey with someone who clearly does not have your best at heart?

Maybe all the support you need is for him to just mind his own business. I don't know. Try and figure out the best way he can help you and how much you think he would be able to and have a talk with him. It may take some time, but he may just come around and be your best ally. I wish you the best. And remember to do what is best for you.

[ElfiePoo 109]

When my son married 4 1/2 years ago, I wrote them a letter on the eve of their wedding and basically told them that in order for a marriage to be strong, communication was key. Never stop talking.

Unless this is normal behavior for him (in which case you have bigger problems), I'd tell him in a non-confrontational manner that you need to talk. Some people need a counselor of some sort...some can do it without. Let him know that he appeared to be very supportive prior to the surgery but now he's not and you need to know what's going on. He may just be very insecure about losing you...a not uncommon feeling. You also need to set boundaries...unless you want a warden governing every bite you put in your mouth.

Communication...it's where you start.

.