The discourse/converstion on this forum

[tanqueray 16]

I have to get this off my "chest". This issue has been bothering me since last night when I read some threads that people posted.

This is just my opinion here but I do hope some of you will agree. This is a open forum for people that have had (or are having) a major operation in order to help assist (but not cure) obesity. Because there is no cure for obesity--the band is simply a tool to deal with the symptoms of obesity. In order to become healthy, the users of said band must make lifestyle changes that are not easy. We cry about these changes, morn for our old lives and eathing patterns, and either chose to overcome these obstacles or go back to our old habits. That's our choice and we need to live with it. Addicts never have an easy course but we need to own up to it and make changes.

When we sign on to this forum,, we are looking for help, support, guidence, and sometimes a kick in the butt to answer our question or motivate us. Sure, most of us are supportative but are also offering opinions. Because that is what people are asking for!! We should not have to monitor ourselves or hold back if we feel strongly about a subject. I am disheartened to see replies like "well, that was really supportative" because someone offered a different opinion than what the writer really wanted to hear.

Folks, sometimes being supportative means giving people a reality check. We should not all be expected to be cheerleaders and only be positive and say "it's okay". No, if the situation is warranted, we offer opinions and feedback and sometimes that may not be receptive to the writer. If you perceive that as people being rude, that's your own feelings and you are entitled to them but then don't write "you were rude and not nice and not supportative". You might as well say "you didn't say what I wanted to hear so I am taking my Barbies and playing in the other corner".

If you write "I am not losing weight and I go to Burger King twice a day and don't exercise--why am I not losing weight?". My response might be "because you are eating junk food and not exercising--that's why you are not losing weight". However, if we are to believe certain people on this forum, we are only supposed to be supportative and say "it's okay..you just need to get on track". Sorry folks, but here a reality check is in order.

We can have disagreements and have civil conversations when we don't agree with someone. However, I disagree that the only thing we should be is positive and supportative. Sometimes peolple want to offer a differing opinion and that's OK! This is an internet forum and all opinions are warranted. It's up to you on how to perceive it but please don't make those of us that disagree with a writer feel guilty or bad because we disagree with them. There's too much of that in politics and we don't need it here!

[dFaults 1]

Amen!

I believe that most are looking for someone to say , "it's ok that you had that whole pizza to yourself and that 2 liter of DIET coke. You did good by choosing DIET." WTH!! OMG!

Hve some accountability for your actions. Your band can not see that you basically are totally relying on it to save you from yourself.

Good post!

[mom2amwt 3]

I think what you've said is generally right...but there is a difference between offering an opinion or a reality check and being rude or self righteous. Sometimes the line is close...

[tanqueray 16]

Sure, you are right Mom2. But if you perceive a person is being self rightous, you have the right to say I don't agree with that or you can't base everying on your experience. However, without allowing people to post what they want, you will never be able to see another opinion or view--even if you don't like it!

Why I started this thread is that I simply do not prescribe to the idea that we as "supporters" need to tell people what they want to hear. Sometimes it may come off as selfish but really, we are living in our world so things often feel very personal to us. What I say is that "well, that is your experience, but here is mine..."

But I do absorb what others have said. Regardless if I liked it or not....

Perhaps when I truly disagreed I mulled the answer over and may actually learn something.

[mom2amwt 3]

You are right. I think that there are some people that have a tendency to be more harsh with their words or views, and even if they express the same opinion as ten others - it somehow sounds a lot worse.

That said, in my opinion, the boards would be boring without differing views and disagreements. I still want to hear what everyone's views are - even if they don't align with mine.

[Humming Bird 275]

I have to get this off my "chest". This issue has been bothering me since last night when I read some threads that people posted.

This is just my opinion here but I do hope some of you will agree. This is a open forum for people that have had (or are having) a major operation in order to help assist (but not cure) obesity. Because there is no cure for obesity--the band is simply a tool to deal with the symptoms of obesity. In order to become healthy, the users of said band must make lifestyle changes that are not easy. We cry about these changes, morn for our old lives and eathing patterns, and either chose to overcome these obstacles or go back to our old habits. That's our choice and we need to live with it. Addicts never have an easy course but we need to own up to it and make changes.

When we sign on to this forum,, we are looking for help, support, guidence, and sometimes a kick in the butt to answer our question or motivate us. Sure, most of us are supportative but are also offering opinions. Because that is what people are asking for!! We should not have to monitor ourselves or hold back if we feel strongly about a subject. I am disheartened to see replies like "well, that was really supportative" because someone offered a different opinion than what the writer really wanted to hear.

Folks, sometimes being supportative means giving people a reality check. We should not all be expected to be cheerleaders and only be positive and say "it's okay". No, if the situation is warranted, we offer opinions and feedback and sometimes that may not be receptive to the writer. If you perceive that as people being rude, that's your own feelings and you are entitled to them but then don't write "you were rude and not nice and not supportative". You might as well say "you didn't say what I wanted to hear so I am taking my Barbies and playing in the other corner".

If you write "I am not losing weight and I go to Burger King twice a day and don't exercise--why am I not losing weight?". My response might be "because you are eating junk food and not exercising--that's why you are not losing weight". However, if we are to believe certain people on this forum, we are only supposed to be supportative and say "it's okay..you just need to get on track". Sorry folks, but here a reality check is in order.

We can have disagreements and have civil conversations when we don't agree with someone. However, I disagree that the only thing we should be is positive and supportative. Sometimes peolple want to offer a differing opinion and that's OK! This is an internet forum and all opinions are warranted. It's up to you on how to perceive it but please don't make those of us that disagree with a writer feel guilty or bad because we disagree with them. There's too much of that in politics and we don't need it here!

Ditto...... yep..... I agree.

[123crod 170]

We are gonna have our own opinions some good and some bad. It is hard to tell someone the truth when you can read the post and get a whole different story between the lines than what they are saying. But we have to at least add some encourament after the kick in the butt if need be. Some people need to hear the cold hard truth not sugar coated words.

Cheri

[Jachut 487]

There's a difference between delivering a reality check and being totally self righteous as well though. Some people are early on in the process, full of enthusiasm and determination and are blind to the fact that reality eventually settles in, novelty fades and the hard slog of it all gets quite wearing. They speak as though they'll never slip up. That really gets my goat.

Personally, I cant understand how anybody finds the first six to eight weeks difficult! I dont see how if you've made the decision to have surgery that your enthusiasm and anticipation of your new life doesnt carry you through that period, bandster hell or no. But it simply isnt the same for everyone so i dont go around lecturing about how people should deal with it, I support and commiserate instead. Over the years I've seen many people start out with such difficulty and eventually find their groove and go onto success. So I dont really think people in the first couple of weeks need a reality check, especially from others in that same stage who really know two parts of stuff all regarding what they're talking about.

Unless your talking silly silly people who dont follow their liquid to mushy to solids instructions! That calls for a swift kick up the clacker. As does the I ate McDonalds, why arent I losing weight questions.

[mandyb 3]

I offered my opinion (and I was honest) was not trying to be mean at all...and the girl was mad at me for what I said! I come to the conclusion that I am not going to offer my opinion anymore (if I have nothing "nice" to say)!

I am 6 weeks out of surgery! By no means is any part of this surgery "Easy"!!! I am going with the flow! I come on here if I need advise or just want to share something that really no one else understands! (Non Banders)

No one is perfect and some will slip with their diet! But if you have WLS; why would you want to eat Fast food or Junk, when this tool is supposed to help you on your journey to weight loss! Why would you do that???

And to come on to a Weight Loss Website and tell us that you ate a Double Cheeseburger and Fries and can't figure out why you can't lose weight!!!! That would be someone going to Weight Watchers and say "I am not following the program and For some reason I CAN'T lose Weight"! I can't support them, nor would I have anything nice to say!

Ok i could go on and on...but I will just stop there! LOL.

Nice topic starter TAN!!!

[2beskinny 4]

There's a difference between delivering a reality check and being totally self righteous as well though. Some people are early on in the process, full of enthusiasm and determination and are blind to the fact that reality eventually settles in, novelty fades and the hard slog of it all gets quite wearing. They speak as though they'll never slip up. That really gets my goat.

Personally, I cant understand how anybody finds the first six to eight weeks difficult! I dont see how if you've made the decision to have surgery that your enthusiasm and anticipation of your new life doesnt carry you through that period, bandster hell or no. But it simply isnt the same for everyone so i dont go around lecturing about how people should deal with it, I support and commiserate instead. Over the years I've seen many people start out with such difficulty and eventually find their groove and go onto success. So I dont really think people in the first couple of weeks need a reality check, especially from others in that same stage who really know two parts of stuff all regarding what they're talking about.

Unless your talking silly silly people who dont follow their liquid to mushy to solids instructions! That calls for a swift kick up the clacker. As does the I ate McDonalds, why arent I losing weight questions.

Amen to that, especially the first paragraph! I'm transitioning from my "newbie status" to being "somewhat experienced" with this band (just had my 6 month anniversary). Oh the joy of the honeymoon period of banding - my optimism was like a flying carpet the first 6-8 weeks of banding. I couldn't even imagine a day where I wouldn't feel in control. Fast forward to this past weekend...last minute family came in town, brought delicious treats and treated us to dinner at a 5 star restaurant (I have some great relatives, what can I say?). In spite of being at my sweet spot, I still managed to gain a quick 2 pounds after a 48 hour bender. So what am I gonna do? Get back on that horse, that's what! Being banded is not about being perfect. It's about choosing to use a tool that we (hopefully) researched the hell out of and will make it easier for use to lose weight and maintain weight loss. I am half way to goal and have been doing some real soul-searching about finishing what I've started. I'm very excitied because one thing I think I do realize is that maintenance is actually pretty easy with the band. Even if I'm not making the BEST choices, I really don't have a fear of "gaining ALL my weight back" because I just cannot eat the volumes of food I used to be able to eat...unless I would have a complete unfill, or not keep up with small fill adjustments that are necessary as you lose weight. Part of my weekend bender included a 5 mile run and shopping at Ann Taylor and coming home with size 12 jeans (I'm not a 12 yet, but you know how you occassionally find that smaller size that fits...oh yeah, I found it). I don't regret being banded for one minute. It's the best thing I've ever done for myself. It doesn't make me perfect, but it has opened the door to a life of "normalcy" that I had begun to think was shut forever for me. When I come on this forum, sometimes I'm looking for a butt-kicking, and sometimes I'm looking for support. In my short tenure, I've already seen some frequent posters who I thought would be on this site forever disappear. They were also a little self-righteous in their tone...wonder where they are now? I guess they can only post when they feel they are "perfect."

[2beskinny 4]

There's a difference between delivering a reality check and being totally self righteous as well though. Some people are early on in the process, full of enthusiasm and determination and are blind to the fact that reality eventually settles in, novelty fades and the hard slog of it all gets quite wearing. They speak as though they'll never slip up. That really gets my goat.

Personally, I cant understand how anybody finds the first six to eight weeks difficult! I dont see how if you've made the decision to have surgery that your enthusiasm and anticipation of your new life doesnt carry you through that period, bandster hell or no. But it simply isnt the same for everyone so i dont go around lecturing about how people should deal with it, I support and commiserate instead. Over the years I've seen many people start out with such difficulty and eventually find their groove and go onto success. So I dont really think people in the first couple of weeks need a reality check, especially from others in that same stage who really know two parts of stuff all regarding what they're talking about.

Unless your talking silly silly people who dont follow their liquid to mushy to solids instructions! That calls for a swift kick up the clacker. As does the I ate McDonalds, why arent I losing weight questions.

[ElfiePoo 109]

The reality is that it doesn't matter how courteous we are, there will always be somebody sitting in the wings who will choose to perceive the response as rude and nasty...even when it wasn't and even when they've been told their perception was in error. Fortunately, I've only been on the receiving end of that by 3 people over the last year, but after going back and looking at these posts again, I notice that they all have the same 'voice' and the previous personas sort of disappear before the new one comes into play...so I figure it's the same person and they're just stalking me. I guess I should feel honored to warrant that amount of attention.

[Cleo's Mom 257]

I think there are two different kinds of posts we are talking about here.

The first kind will be someone who wants honest, even critical, reviews of why they are having problems. They will welcome all comments since they asked for them. Am I too tight? I am having problems with this food. I am still hungry after 6 fills. What should I do? I need motivation as I am slipping back into bad habits. It is not hard to recognize these posts.

The other kind is someone for whom the band is not working, they are experiencing a lot of problems despite following the rules. They are very frustrated. They are not asking for rah, rah, we love the band because it works for us and if it doesn't work for you, then it's your fault. They don't want to hear that you lost 50lbs the first month or 100 lbs in 3 months. This is not a poster that will welcome criticism and shouldn't get any just for hating the band. It's okay to offer suggestions about some things they might try (if they haven't already). It is not okay to suggest that they are the failure.

It's okay not to like the band. It's okay to hate the band but some successful bandsters often come across as defensive, as if the attack were on them personally.

[PuppyBandit 2]

I think having an opinion and being truthful are good, but there are ways to go about it. I have seen a few people in the past be so hateful with their opinion that my jaw dropped and I felt sorry for the person they were responding to.

No it's not ok to go to burger king twice a day, but you can say this without being hateful and mean.

"you made bad choices going to burger king and cant' really expect to lose weight this way" is honest but not mean

" wtf did you think, the weight would magically fall off? don't eat fast food, it's not that hard to understand" is an honest opinion but mean

[Dreamingof139 3]

I have to get this off my "chest". This issue has been bothering me since last night when I read some threads that people posted.

This is just my opinion here but I do hope some of you will agree. This is a open forum for people that have had (or are having) a major operation in order to help assist (but not cure) obesity. Because there is no cure for obesity--the band is simply a tool to deal with the symptoms of obesity. In order to become healthy, the users of said band must make lifestyle changes that are not easy. We cry about these changes, morn for our old lives and eating patterns, and either chose to overcome these obstacles or go back to our old habits. That's our choice and we need to live with it. Addicts never have an easy course but we need to own up to it and make changes.

When we sign on to this forum,, we are looking for help, support, guidance, and sometimes a kick in the butt to answer our question or motivate us. Sure, most of us are supportive but are also offering opinions. Because that is what people are asking for!! We should not have to monitor ourselves or hold back if we feel strongly about a subject. I am disheartened to see replies like "well, that was really supportive" because someone offered a different opinion than what the writer really wanted to hear.

Folks, sometimes being supportive means giving people a reality check. We should not all be expected to be cheerleaders and only be positive and say "it's okay". No, if the situation is warranted, we offer opinions and feedback and sometimes that may not be receptive to the writer. If you perceive that as people being rude, that's your own feelings and you are entitled to them but then don't write "you were rude and not nice and not supportive". You might as well say "you didn't say what I wanted to hear so I am taking my Barbies and playing in the other corner".

If you write "I am not losing weight and I go to Burger King twice a day and don't exercise--why am I not losing weight?". My response might be "because you are eating junk food and not exercising--that's why you are not losing weight". However, if we are to believe certain people on this forum, we are only supposed to be supportive and say "it's okay..you just need to get on track". Sorry folks, but here a reality check is in order.

We can have disagreements and have civil conversations when we don't agree with someone. However, I disagree that the only thing we should be is positive and supportive. Sometimes people want to offer a differing opinion and that's OK! This is an internet forum and all opinions are warranted. It's up to you on how to perceive it but please don't make those of us that disagree with a writer feel guilty or bad because we disagree with them. There's too much of that in politics and we don't need it here!

I could not agree with you more and I thank you for taking the time to make such a thoughtful post.

There are sadly some people who are just miserable (sad, but true) I have had my moments myself and I would suspect that most if not all of us have had those times when we were not feeling our best for whatever reason(s). What is troubling to me is someone who strikes out at others - there is a way to disagree and discuss without sounding/acting like a five year old or being mean. I know for myself, when I am in a down mood, and I have clinical depression so this is common for me, things hurt me that normally would not hurt me. If we are going to have a positive and helpful forum here, I believe strongly that honesty is essential, not meanness but respectful honesty. I try to say things along the lines of this is what I experienced, and I work to avoid statements that include terms like all or every, but I have still experienced the anger of those who did not agree with me.

Thank you for posting - this is a great discussion to be having.