Relationships?

[WannaBeHealthy 0]

Hi all,

I think I've shared before that I will be banded the

end of January. I've decided not to share this with

my co-workers of my family (my mother's reaction when I

first told her of my surgeon's appointment was 'how

un-natural! why do you want to get involved with

that <expletive>?' So, I am doing this for me and

will keep it to myself.

except for the person I've been dating for two and

half years. He knows about my date and plans to

drive me that day. Recently though, I shared with him

that Banding (the emotion,the insurance battle, finally

the decision) is THE most important thing in my life.

He thought about this a few days and told me that he

was hurt. That I should say that 'WE/US' is the most

important thing in my life.

Then last night, we went out for a nice dinner.

When he came to pick me up, he arrived with a huge cake

along with ice cream for dessert (even though I have told him

that I am trying to lose a few pounds before the surgery -

he's told me that's not necessary). And then at

dinner, when I said that a year from now, I'd only

be eatting from the appetizer menu, His response was

'that's not true'.

Anyway, I am starting to see these as signs of

sabotage. Anyone agree? and if so, how do you deal with it without sabotaging yourself?

[casinocat74 0]

Is your man skinny or a big guy?

Mine did the same thing only because he was afraid that when I am all skinny, I would leave him. You just need to help him understand that you are doing this so that you can love YOURSELF. It has nothing to do with anyone else but you, and he will have to be able to accept that.

[WannaBeHealthy 0]

Thanks for the response.

My guy is on the heavy side, but unfortunately weighs less than me:eek

His weight goes up and down. When I first started to look into WLS this past summer, he decided to go on Optifast. He lost 30-40 lbs, and had more to go. He told me afterwards that he went on Optifast to show me that weight can be lost without surgery. As much as I've told him that I have faced the fact that I can't do it alone, he claims it can be done. (He was furious at me when I was considering gastric bypass. But then I met a bandster at a surgeon's open house, and decided that this was the way to go).

P.S. My guy has since gained all the lost optifast weight back.

[sunshinenh 0]

I really don't think that most people understand our struggles, even if they may have their own weight issues. It may not be sabotage, so much as just plain old not understanding. I have had to be very specific and detailed when I explained to my S/O about the importance of the process. I don't think he truly understands, but by sharing my feelings he really tries hard to be supportive. Maybe your boyfriend is a little threatened, maybe not. Just be true to yourself. Good luck in Jan.

[WannaBeHealthy 0]

As I was throwing away the cake from last night, something else occured to me. At dinner, he told me that I was obsessed with the band, that I should look at it as not something that is going to change my life, but as something that was going to be added to my present life. Something about this doesn't sit well with me.

Then, later when I asked him to take the cake and ice cream home with him, he said No. and added that I can eat the ice cream a spoon full at a time (I assume he means post band).

I've also developed friendships with a woman who was banded in Sept and another who is having gastric bypass in a few days. When I tell him about our conversations, he says 'oh you tell a perfect stranger!' And I know he will freak when I tell him that I plan to go to a support group meeting at the surgeon's office.

I guess many S/O don't get it. I have a friend who was banded in Sept, she's lost 25 lbs. Her husband tells her that he can't see why she couldn't just follow the plan of eatting a little instead of getting the band.

[mousecrazy 2]

Maybe it's a little too soon to read too much into any of the conversations you are having regarding your WLS. I know I had some ideas about how things might be before surgery, and even after surgery, that were actually not true. I order off a regular menu, not just appetizers...I just don't eat all of it. I have cake and ice cream, too; just not as much. My suggestion to you is to take one step at a time, and see how things go. It is really hard to predict the future. Now, if you have other evidence that's he's a sabotaging you, then you are the best one to make judgements on that. I would give him the benefit of the doubt, and make no mistake that this big change in you is going to have a big effect on him. Of course, he will have some adjusting to do; so do you. Don't borrow trouble, you know? Good luck, Cindy

[casinocat74 0]

It sounds to me like he is upset because he does not want you to be skinny and healthy. Not for a negative reason, but because he is afraid of loosing you. My man did the same exact thing. But after he realized that it was the best thing for me, we are fine. Don't worry about what he sayd to you, they are his own insecurities. You do whatever you need to do to be happy. Just make sure you involve him and help him to understand what is going on.

[Victoriana 10]

:confused: Maybe your sweetheart is insecure of you taking control of yourself, and in an area that he doesn't really have control over since he has regained the weight that he lost earlier. Can you invite him to the seminar or support group that you will attend? Maybe he can read this board and find out that he may be headed for trouble in the future if he continues gaining. I think you can have your post deleted if he should read the board. I wonder if there isn't other baggage behind him not supporting you like others have said, maybe he would loose you, or that he doesn't see overweight as a true health issue. Does he think that getting banded might preclude you from children in the future? My DH was happy for the band as he wants me around to enjoy retirement with him. Please do not be afraid to be honest about your feelings with him as this is not healthy for a good relationship. Being honest with him lets him into a very intimate place with you and long term relationships usually survive because of good communication with each other. Personally I think this is more important that the issues around the band and weight.

[Victoriana 10]

P.S. I still think you should continue with the banding and taking care of yourself as it is foundational in caring for others.:confused:

[Guest ASPHALT ANGEL]

My hubby eats lots of sweets and I do not like sweets. We have been together for 10 years and he still will get out a cookie or chocolate covered cherries and always ask if I want one. I have never had a choc. cherry in my life and, as I think they look gross but he still offers every time. I just figure he doesn't want to eat in front of me without at least offering. I first checked into gastric bypass and he was totally against it and so when I found out about the band and I told him about it he was more supportive of it. He has had his moments of insecurity about me losing weight but also likes the fact that I am looking good as he says.

I have the attitude that I had this surgery for me and for me only so if I have to be rude and tell people no I don't want any of what they are eating then I do, then I get up and go in the other room.

[Marimaru 7]

I would say it sounds to me like if he's had trouble losing weight and being banded is 'the most important thing' in your life, he may be worried that when you start getting healthy you may want to insist he get heathly and that his lifestyle might cause you problems.

It's just a guess. Alot of sabotage comes from insecurity. You might consider just sitting down with him one night and bringing it up. My guy thought that when I lost weight I'd leave him and he doesn't have any weight issues.

Good luck!

[fiveholts714 0]

He sounds insecure. He is probably comfortable with you at this weight and maybe even feels like he is losing his girlfriend/eating buddy. Your relationship with him will definately change when you have the band - like eating out, etc. He is scared. Don't assume the worst. He may just need some extra TLC and for you to tell him outright how important he is to you and how much you need and appreciate his support. He's feeling threatened right now. You are taking this big step that will change your body without him. If you want to keep him as a boyfriend, then don't get mad - give him love and TLC. I have been married 10 years and my dh has asked me half jokingly several times if I am going to find some skinny many and run off after I lose weight (he is heavy). So you certainly aren't the only one with an insecure man!

[the best me 6]

Yep, my DH is a skinny...last night he was commenting that his 32 dress pants were on the snug side, he needs to lose a few because 34's are too big...*sniff*

I spend a fair amount of time on LBT for support. He's not crazy about it, but he knows I need the support and info I get here and lives with it. He also recognizes that he doesn't get the whole "food thing" I have, so whatever it takes to make this a success is fine.

The changes you are going through require alot of time and attention. You are distracted and he is taking it personally. Go easy on the fella. His life is affected by this, too! When he brings you cake and ice cream, say, "thank you!" eat some, offer some, let it sit and pitch it out.

Really, if he IS sabatoging you for whatever reason, it's not him you need to change, its how YOU handle it that will make the difference. You can push him away or learn to love him, accept him, get the best out of him, give the best of yourself, and still not compromise your weight loss.

Tall order, I know.