That river in Egypt?

GeezerSue · December 31, 2003

Had lunch a few days ago with some friends/former co-workers. One of the five of us is underweight, one is pretty much on target, two of us are wls patients (both still overweight, but nothing like pre-op) and then there's the other one.

She is the nicest, smartest woman. But she is SO deep in denial. She actually said that her weight problems are not the result of overeating, because she doesn't eat very much. I used to have lunch with this woman on a daily basis. She eats much. Really much. And, as she was explaining that she doesn't eat much, she was finishing a HUGE beef-dip sandwich and fries.

This is NOT a woman of limited intelligence. She is a bright woman, a professional, has multiple degrees, and has professional siblings. (She also has a husband with food-related medical problems and some kids at normal weight and other who are obese.) But, her BMI has got to be well, well over 50. She is really big, but says she's healthy and athletic.

Question: Now that YOU have had surgery or are considering it, how do you handle conversations with friends like mine? She's still in her 40's and I'd love to see her get healthy while she's relatively young. (I'll be 57 in a couple of weeks...she looks VERY young to me.) Do I pretend that she's right? Do I assume that because portion sizes are so big, she really thinks that she eats reasonable amounts of food? Do I let her think she's convincing me, when I don't believe a word of it? Right now, I just respond with, "Well, you know better than anyone else how you feel."

What do y'all do?

Sue

Lioness81970 · December 31, 2003

and I'd love to see her get healthy while she's relatively young

Every one of us here can attest that although we knew we needed to loose weight it was ultimately US that had to make that determination. When I was preparing for surgery my husband said to me " I don't want you to do this. I love you just the way you are and it doesn't matter to me if you loose the weight or not." My response? "I know that but I am doing this for ME." Although I do understand what you are saying, she has to be the one to make that decision. It sounds like to me that she is either 1.) in denial 2.) truly believes that she doesn't eat as much as she does or 3.) is truly happy with how she is. My suggestion is that you either avoid the subject with her or just allow her to have her opinion as it is and don't try to change it. After all, only she can. I mean I know if someone would have come to me and said that I needed to have surgery to loose weight before I was ready I would have told them to take a flying.......well you can figure out the rest. Don't let this ruin your friendship because it very well may.

Kiwigirl · December 31, 2003

It is so difficult isn't it. Now that I am on the "other" side so to speak, I feel a bit like a reformed smoker. I have to stop myself wanting to tell all that this treatment is out there. But on the other hand, if some had said anything to me before I had even thought of surgery, even if they were friends, I would have been devastaed. I would be inclined to just keep being living proof of your success. When she is ready she has you to talk about it.

quakergirl · December 31, 2003

I know some people who seem to think in a similar way, and my way of dealing with it is to just talk about my experiences in the hopes of planting a seed.

Like, if someone mentioned they didn't eat much, I would say something like, "Having the lap-band has really changed my view about portion sizes. Now these small size portions seem normal and the restaurant size portions seem much too big for me." Just by talking about how much good the lap-band has done for me, I am hoping they may be inspired to consider making some positive changes (not necessarily going as far as surgery, but who knows?) as well.

GeezerSue · December 31, 2003

She will "admit" to being bigger than she'd like to be. And I know she accepts that she feels lousy, because she mentions how tired she gets. But she also says that she's "large-boned" and that therefore all of the weight charts and BMI calculators are wrong in her case. She asks lots of questions, so I know she's interested...but then she says aloud the justifications she's giving herself. And those are the things that are hard for me to ignore. I don't want to agree with her, and buy into her fantasy. And I also don't want to say anything she's not ready to hear and alienate her...so I don't.

She asks a lot of questions and then "terminates" the discussion with "Well, I'm glad you're doing better. But I need to find another answer for me, because my weight isn't from my eating too much, and those charts are for people with tiny bones." Then I say something like, "Well, those charts sure don't know how you feel. Your'e the only expert. You have to trust yourself. " And that's where I end it, because I'm not ready to lie to her. So I say things that can be interpreted two ways.

I'm just wondering how the rest of you deal with those friends.

donali · December 31, 2003

Hi Sue -

I would find that situation very frustrating as well. Sigh.

I'm with QuakerGirl, though - I would relate a story about myself (after all, it's ALL about me anyway, right? lol), even if I had to MAKE IT UP!

I would respond to her comments "I just don't eat that much" with:

"I used to think I just didn't eat that much, too. I discounted the ocassional binge, because I didn't eat that way ALL the time, and then in between I dieted, or fasted, or ate what I felt was a "normal" portion. I finally had to get real with myself, and when I started tracking every mouthful on www.fitday.com - WHOA! It was a real eye opener for me. With the lap-band I can reduce the number of calories I eat without feeling like I'm hungry all the time, or "dieting." In my case, it's been a Godsend, and I wouldn't do without it. There are certainly lots of different paths to lowering one's weight, but this was the right one for me."

I'm glad though that you refuse to buy into her self-deception. Stay strong! lol