Sister is hurt from my weight loss

[Loving everyday 0]

I need some advise from you guys. I received a text message this morning from my brother in law stating "Hey do me a favor please stop telling (my sister) everyday about how much weight u lost it gets her discouraged cause she's trying but it's obviously not gonna b the same for u 2" this text has made me cry all morning first because I don't want to hurt my sister and plus I have been working so hard I work out 2-3 times a day watch everything I eat. I tell her about my journey but I am not in anyway rubbing it in her face I wouldn't do that to somebody I love. I weighted over a hundred more pounds than she did a year and a half ago and now we weight the same and I am starting to pass her up. I don't talk about my weight loss to her I only mention it to her if I lose a pound. We of course e-mail each other at work things like what we ate for the day, how we worked out etc. I am so upset about this whole thing, I am starting to tear up again as I type this. I am always trying to get her to come work out with me or choosing healthy place's to eat at when we dine together. She is my bestfriend I don't know what to do. Please help me, let me know if you had to deal with the same situation and how you dealt with it. We have both struggled with our weight since we were young, I just refuse to be that fat girl anymore I want to live a full life and not be held back cuz I don't fit or can't keep up. Sorry this is so long...

[Mommy2Ps 4]

I need some advise from you guys. I received a text message this morning from my brother in law stating "Hey do me a favor please stop telling (my sister) everyday about how much weight u lost it gets her discouraged cause she's trying but it's obviously not gonna b the same for u 2" this text has made me cry all morning first because I don't want to hurt my sister and plus I have been working so hard I work out 2-3 times a day watch everything I eat. I tell her about my journey but I am not in anyway rubbing it in her face I wouldn't do that to somebody I love. I weighted over a hundred more pounds than she did a year and a half ago and now we weight the same and I am starting to pass her up. I don't talk about my weight loss to her I only mention it to her if I lose a pound. We of course e-mail each other at work things like what we ate for the day, how we worked out etc. I am so upset about this whole thing, I am starting to tear up again as I type this. I am always trying to get her to come work out with me or choosing healthy place's to eat at when we dine together. She is my bestfriend I don't know what to do. Please help me, let me know if you had to deal with the same situation and how you dealt with it. We have both struggled with our weight since we were young, I just refuse to be that fat girl anymore I want to live a full life and not be held back cuz I don't fit or can't keep up. Sorry this is so long...

First of all, congrats on your weightloss! That's incredible!! I also think it's funny that I was banded on 6/29/10, a year to the date that you were!

As for your sister, that's a tough one. I think the best thing to do would be to drop it entirely. Don't share with her about the losses unless she asks. Watching you shrink is probably painful to watch in and of itself. Having to hear about it too, just adds salt to the wound. KWIM?! She probably hears from other family members how great you look etc, so she probably imagines that the spotlight is now focused on her too, for comparisons sake. For example someone says "Molly looks great! and what she hears is "Molly is looking great, why aren't you losing weight too?!?!" Make sense?

All you can do is carry on with your own life, be there for support and guidance IF and WHEN she asks for it, and just love her as you always have.

[Loving everyday 0]

Thank You, that is crazy that we are exactly one year apart =)

That is a good idea to just drop it, I just can't get this feeling to go away. I am sad really sad, I can't stop tearing up. How do I shake that feeling?

[Kalipso2 25]

congratulations on your hard work! you know, your sister is just envious (or jealous) of your success. that's nothing for YOU to feel bad about!

you and your sister sound like you have a very close relationship. talk to her about what she's feeling. let her tell you what she's feeling and why.

i had an incident with my sister too. my sister was never as heavy as i was but the same time i had my surgery, she decided to join Weight Watchers. so as i was working so hard to lose weight, she was losing weight too. i felt like she was trying to steal the limelight from me. i was extremely jealous and angry at her because this was supposed to be MY time to shine.

now, almost 3 years later, we're the same weight and while i'm slowly still losing but only 1 or 2 pounds a month, she decided to go back on WW after New Years.

i honestly think my sister is threatened by my weightloss. could that be something your sister is dealing with?

[JerseyGirl80 12]

First of all, congrats on your weightloss! That's incredible!! I also think it's funny that I was banded on 6/29/10, a year to the date that you were!

As for your sister, that's a tough one. I think the best thing to do would be to drop it entirely. Don't share with her about the losses unless she asks. Watching you shrink is probably painful to watch in and of itself. Having to hear about it too, just adds salt to the wound. KWIM?! She probably hears from other family members how great you look etc, so she probably imagines that the spotlight is now focused on her too, for comparisons sake. For example someone says "Molly looks great! and what she hears is "Molly is looking great, why aren't you losing weight too?!?!" Make sense?

All you can do is carry on with your own life, be there for support and guidance IF and WHEN she asks for it, and just love her as you always have.

Loving everyday ~

I agree with Mommy2P. I have a similar situation going on with my bestfriend, we are as close as sisters could be, but it's very hard. I try not to even bring up my band, or eating or working out unless she asks, because I feel like I'm rubbing it in, even though I'm not. It's normal to want to talk about this because this journey is so exciting, of course we want share it with our bestfriends and sisters and who ever will listen, but we also have to know when to keep things to ourselves or keep it between other bandsters.

Your sister is probably feeling left behind, or maybe she's used to being the skinnier sister and now it's looking like she won't be. This may sound terrible but somewhere in her head it probably made her feel a little better knowing that you were bigger than her, not that she felt this way to be mean, but it's just how things are sometimes. I can only imagine that this could really upset someone. I've always been bigger than most of my friends, and all of my family members, but sometimes (this is awful of me, I know) I felt a little relieved that I wasn't the biggest person out of my circle of friends. Unfortunately we all have terrible body images of ourselves, no matter how big or small we are, and us women really put ourselves through hell trying to subconsciously keep up with one another. I'm sure she is happy for you, and just sad for herself. I don't think it's really about jealousy, that's too harsh of a word, it's more like her being out of the spotlight and most likely hearing how great you are doing from every angle. Hearing all that is probably just reminding her of her failures and her weight struggles.

But do not feel bad about this. You have done something wonderful for yourself and you should be proud. Eventually your sister will come around.

[Loving everyday 0]

Thank You guys for your support!!! I am so glad this website is here to let us voice our concerns and get help when we have nobody to talk to. I ended up texting him back. I told him that I didn't realize that I was hurting her and that I am just so excited about my journey I have been working so hard to get to my goal that I wanted to share it with her. He never responded back to me =( but it is okay I am just going to be more aware of what I am saying to her. This band has become my life for right now, I am living it and when you are going thru something so important like this it is just so hard not to talk about it.

[JerseyGirl80 12]

Thank You guys for your support!!! I am so glad this website is here to let us voice our concerns and get help when we have nobody to talk to. I ended up texting him back. I told him that I didn't realize that I was hurting her and that I am just so excited about my journey I have been working so hard to get to my goal that I wanted to share it with her. He never responded back to me =( but it is okay I am just going to be more aware of what I am saying to her. This band has become my life for right now, I am living it and when you are going thru something so important like this it is just so hard not to talk about it.

We are here for eachother! We don't want to shut out our loved ones, but sometimes it's easier to talk to others that are going through the same things. We need this little place on the web!

[Mommy2Ps 4]

Glad we could help! Sometimes just to get it out there makes a big difference!

[GavynsMum 1]

Oh my goodness. I read this and will remember your situation while going through my journey. I have a twin sister that is about 30 lbs lighter than me but my insurance covers the surgery and hers doesnt. We are also very close. I plan on talking band talk here and not with her since i think she is a bit let down that she cant have the surgery too.

[Megand 0]

I am EXTREMELY close to my sister and both are very overweight. We are on the phone like 3-4 times a day, also text and email. I have not begun the journey just yet as I am waiting to attend my seminar on Jan 17. However when I mentioned lap band for me she freaked out yelling and telling me how disappointed she is in me for takin the easy way out. I hung up so sad and frustrated. The next day she joined WW. After a few days I called her and sent her all the research I have done so far. We talked about our weight history and issues and how each of us need to take our own paths while supporting each other no matter what. Maybe in a few days you and her can go out for a walk and talk this out. Say listen I feel like something isn't right with us. Is my talking about my weight loss upsetting to you and see how it goes from there. I always think its best to talk these things out because in the past I haven't and turned to food. Just my 2 cents. Good luck!

[MaineJackie 3]

I am having a similar issue with my daughter. She is 17 years old...and she is overweight. She has about 40 lbs to lose. And she seems to be putting weight on.

I am now down to her size and in some things, I am smaller than her......I know this is bothering her. She doesn't want to go to WW or a nutritionist because she "doesn't want to change how she eats".

It is breaking my heart but I NEED to keep losing for my health. I know she understands that....but at 17 it is hard for her to fully understand.

I don't talk to my daughter about how much I have lost. And I try to help her make better choices. But overall it is a tough situation.

My BFF, who is also obese, hasn't been very supportful. She can't have WLS due to certain health issues. And her weight is going up right now.....so while she will acknowledge my successes some of the time, I know she is secretly upset with it.

Keep up the good work though.....you are doing GREAT.

Jackie

[Mrs.Doxie 1]

I am having a similar issue with my daughter. She is 17 years old...and she is overweight. She has about 40 lbs to lose. And she seems to be putting weight on.

I am now down to her size and in some things, I am smaller than her......I know this is bothering her. She doesn't want to go to WW or a nutritionist because she "doesn't want to change how she eats".

It is breaking my heart but I NEED to keep losing for my health. I know she understands that....but at 17 it is hard for her to fully understand.

I don't talk to my daughter about how much I have lost. And I try to help her make better choices. But overall it is a tough situation.

My BFF, who is also obese, hasn't been very supportful. She can't have WLS due to certain health issues. And her weight is going up right now.....so while she will acknowledge my successes some of the time, I know she is secretly upset with it.

Keep up the good work though.....you are doing GREAT.

Jackie

Jackie,

I am having the exact same issue with my daughter. She is 16 and does not want to know anything about my weight loss. Up until now, I was the biggest person in our family (including extended), but she wasn't far behind. The biggest difference between she and me is that she is very physically active and still has not been able to lose. She plays sports and is actually good, despite the weight. I want to encourage her without being demeaning or making her feel less than adequate, but I have no idea how to do that.

One of our conversations consisted of her asking if I could ever have Cookies again (as we drove past Nestle Tollhouse). I told her I could if I chewed them really well. She made a comment about sneaking them in and I explained that I had gone to too much mental, physical, and emotional pain to sneak unhealthy food just because I could. She said that she had not ever thought of it like that and that she didn't think she would ever be able to do it. It made me sad, but at least she could see another point of view.

I have stopped telling her how much I have lost and, after the reaction I got when I showed her my current bathing suit comparison picture, I know not to do that again either.

Fortunately for me, I have two other teenage daughters who are very supportive (and each weigh less than 130) as well as a husband who took me on a surprise trip to Academy to buy me a college shirt and pair of jeans that actually fit (for our college day at work).

I don't think your best friend is "secretly upset with you", but probably has some feelings of inferiority that we ALL have had when we were not as successful on this journey.

Aren't we all so lucky to be in the computer age where we have a "safe place" to discuss this?

[MaineJackie 3]

Thanks Renee,

It is nice to know that I am not the only one dealing with a teenaged daughter.

And yes, it is nice to have a place to go to talk about these kinds of things.....

[Want To Be Thin 0]

OML you are all going thru what I went thru years ago with my sister (I at that time lost right at 100 lbs). Now today I am losing thru lapband and she needs to lose for her health. Diabetic type 2, high BP. I think she does not want to lose in fear of hurting me again. I lost alot she lost alot in a few short months. I went into depression, hurt myself with food and gained all that weight back plus more. Just Talk as much as you can. We are human, we all get jealous we all get envious. We all do not want anyone to steal our limelight. We all want to be the special one at some point in our lives esp. if we have been fat our whole lives. Pray Pray Pray for division not to interfer with this.

[JaGo 16]

I need some advise from you guys. I received a text message this morning from my brother in law stating "Hey do me a favor please stop telling (my sister) everyday about how much weight u lost it gets her discouraged cause she's trying but it's obviously not gonna b the same for u 2" this text has made me cry all morning first because I don't want to hurt my sister and plus I have been working so hard I work out 2-3 times a day watch everything I eat. I tell her about my journey but I am not in anyway rubbing it in her face I wouldn't do that to somebody I love. I weighted over a hundred more pounds than she did a year and a half ago and now we weight the same and I am starting to pass her up. I don't talk about my weight loss to her I only mention it to her if I lose a pound. We of course e-mail each other at work things like what we ate for the day, how we worked out etc. I am so upset about this whole thing, I am starting to tear up again as I type this. I am always trying to get her to come work out with me or choosing healthy place's to eat at when we dine together. She is my bestfriend I don't know what to do. Please help me, let me know if you had to deal with the same situation and how you dealt with it. We have both struggled with our weight since we were young, I just refuse to be that fat girl anymore I want to live a full life and not be held back cuz I don't fit or can't keep up. Sorry this is so long...

You are to be congratulated on your successful weight loss and lifestyle changes! You have and ARE accomplishing a major personal goal and no one can take that away from you! As I read the different responses and experiences posted here, it made me realize that although we are determined to meet our goals come what may, unfortunately, our loved ones and friends may not be up to hearing about it for varying reasons. We have made a decision to commit to this lifestyle change, and others are not there yet. Look how long it may have taken us to come to this decision.

My sister and I live together as caregivers for my elderly mom. My sister is very overweight too. Every now and then, she will comment on my weight loss, but as she watches me measure my foods and choose healthily, she comments, "I just can't be doing that." I know she isn't ready mentally to make a change, so I don't share with her - she see's my progress and jokingly makes comments about her own weight. There was a time (not too long ago) that I wasn't ready either.

For these very reasons is why for the most part, I keep my successes to myself or share here with other Bandsters. Unfortunately, the ones closest to you may not support you - not necessarily because they just don't want to, but because they can't deal with their own overweight demons. That's the reality. Until they are ready to talk about it, for myself, I let "sleeping dogs lie."

There was a time I wasn't ready to talk about my own weight. One year, I had a slim friend who for Christmas gave me a set of weight loss DVD's to "Walk off the Pounds." She never knew it, but I was so offended by that, and cried my heart out for days. She meant well, but I wasn't ready for that; especially since we had never discussed the subject together. Needless to say, I never used them and recently donated them to GoodWill (it still pains me when I think about it).