How to deal with friends?

[MaineJackie 3]

HI......I am looking for some words of wisdom.....

My best friend is also obese. She cannot have WLS for a variety of reasons. She is also more concerned about appearances and fashion etc than I am.

Well.....as I am losing weight, she has been gaining weight. And while she is supportive....she doesn't go out of her way to offer me any encouragement or accolades.

I feel selfish for feeling this way. I know she is unhappy with her ballooning weight......but I guess I would love for my BFF to acknowlegde how well I am doing.....

[DebH 1]

For her to acknowledge your success would be her having to face her difficulties and shortcomings. I have a similar situation with my sister and didn't even tell her about my surgery until 3 weeks post-op. There are many people that feel that they lose a little bit of themselves when they praise someone else, when really it makes you feel better about yourself when you lift up another person. You just keep doing what you are doing and take pride and satisfaction in the success that you have achieving. Don't let her lack of positive reinforcement discourage you, in fact she may also be fearful that you will lose weight and not want her as a friend anymore. Just be the example of good food choices and health that she needs.

Keep up the good work...I only wish I was losing as well as you!!!!

[vlp1968 83]

I think you just have to accept that your not going to get a lot of support from your friend. I am sure she is angry with herself for gaining, and jealous of you for loosing. Look to others for encouragement, maybe family. Like already said, keep doing what your doing and be a good example for your friend. As long as she is not sabotoging you ( that I would discuss with her for sure) I think you should just let things be. Best wishes in your journey, keep up the good work!

[HeatherinCA 10]

I wouldn't worry about it. I don't expect anyone to praise me for losing weight. It's nice when it happens, but it's my own personal journey. I'm sure in the long run you will inspire her . Yes, as @vip1968 said, as long as she's not sabotaging you. None of my friends have said anything haha, they ask how I'm doing, or questions about how I'm eating, but nobody is like you look great!

[newlifekp 0]

I had my lapband surgery last Monday and I am shocked that not one of my two best friends (I thought) have even called me to see how I am doing this week. I don't understand it at all, and I never would have anticipated it. Neither one are obese at all, but I thought they supported my decision, but now I am doubting that.

I am feeling a little sorry for myslef this week..between the liquid diet, getting dehydrated and in the ER for fluids and lack of concern from my friends, I am feeling a little emotional. I will go back to work tomorrow...maybe I need more human contact than my husband and kids!

[beckyrlnd 2]

i have the same situation with my best friend and my Cousin in Law. My best friend is at least trying. but due to a family issue with another member having bariatric surgery with a fatal result she almost refuses to look at this option. Which i completely understand. She said she would come and check on me but she didnt and took over a week for her to even text me about how i was doing. my Cousin in Law has not spoken three words to me since my surgery. i just encourage them in their decisions. But i made this choice for me and me alone. i am the one that has to look at myself in the mirror and be proud for my small goals to becoming a healthier person. now granted i have gotten down on myself but i think everyone goes through that stage. but i am doing this to be healthier and be there for my family without being out of breath or popping pills for pain in my joints because i can not hike or join in the activities my family is doing. no way! not any more. Be proud of what you are accomplishing and be patient with your friends. Love them unconditionally. God bless your decision for being a healthier you and Good luck on your journey.

[newlifekp 0]

Thanks Beckyrlnd! That is what I keep telling myself...I did this for myself, not anyone else (well, maybe my husband and kids some). While I could understand more easily the lack of support during actual weight loss, during the surgery process was a little hurtful.

[msdeevee 0]

You did this surgery for yourself and yourself alone.

It is nice to have your friends praise you and be happy for you but for many reasons it just may not happen.

I have lost 35 lbs so far and only one person has said to me "oh, you've lost weight!!"

That's why I've only told a few people. and I'm actually glad about that because I've gone up and down so many times I'm not really open to answering any questions about my loss.

During this time you're going to be your best friend. So be that and don't further complicate your life by investing to much in how others feel and think and what they say .

If your friend is obese and not able to do anything about it no doubt she's jealous of your progress.

Take this time to focus on you alone and accomplishing your goal. Don't look to others for praise . Make yourself proud and praise yourself.

[jennibee 3]

When I told my best friend (former now) that I was approved for WLS her response what "great now instead of being fat and miserable you'll be skinny and miserable" I decided right then and there that she wasn't the kind of person I needed in my life. As far as I know she is the only miserable one now. Sometimes when you make major changes in your life it makes the people around you examine their own lives. Maybe your friends just took a good look at themselves and didn't like what they saw. Congrats on doing what is right for you and taking the steps to live a healthier life!

[MaineJackie 3]

Thanks everyone. As always, I appreciate your words of wisdom!

[newlifekp 0]

My best friend isn't overweight, but she was always trying to get me to follow some fad diet with her (which she never stuck too). I am sure that at work tomorrow she is just going to be like everything is normal...but I think I will play it closer to the vest from now on and keep my ups and downs to myself, my family or my support group (like all of you!).

[Pamalamadingdong 0]

Jackie my BFF is the same way. She CAN have WLS she just won't, says if she can't do it on her own then it isn't real. Yep, she doesn't support this AT ALL. In fact since I've started this process back in November she's cut her contact with me. She's asked, what I'm assuming is out of politeness, how I'm feeling but never anything supportive. We've been friends since we were 11 and 12 years old we are now 40 and 41, I have a feeling this will end our friendship. I'm discovering she is far to self involved and if it isn't about her then she doesn't want to hear about it.

Sadly there are going to be people in our lives, the ones we thought would be there that will not accept a new "skinny" us. Sad as it may be we are going to have to let them go, we are doing something for ourselves, our health and our families, we can't have others take that away from us.

[justplaintired 0]

HI......I am looking for some words of wisdom.....

My best friend is also obese. She cannot have WLS for a variety of reasons. She is also more concerned about appearances and fashion etc than I am.

Well.....as I am losing weight, she has been gaining weight. And while she is supportive....she doesn't go out of her way to offer me any encouragement or accolades.

I feel selfish for feeling this way. I know she is unhappy with her ballooning weight......but I guess I would love for my BFF to acknowlegde how well I am doing.....

After reading your post and others, I feel so mad! How can someone begrudge someone else their health? Let's face it, even if you don't have comorbidities now, being obese will eventually give you them! As we age, we can no longer handled the extra weight. Everyday that we are obese we are putting strain on our bodies. WTH!?

For those friends/family/whatever that do not support you in your Quest for a healthy life, forget them! This is hard enough to do that none of us need those people in our lives bringing us down.

Your ticker looks like you are doing a great job and you don't need your friend or anyone else to tell you that! That being said...CONGRATULATIONS and WTG from me!

[honk 780]

It could be that 1) she's uncomfortable asking for details (do you ask others specific questions about their medical treatments?), 2) she knows she has a problem but is struggling with feeling inadequate. Personally it took me a long time to consider WLS and when I did I still felt like I was admitting failure.

[Pamalamadingdong 0]

Honk, you are correct, to a degree. I'm not sure about Jackie, but for me, a simple phone call the day after surgery to see how I'm doing, not a pouty, I wanted to go to lunch for my birthday but since you can't eat I guess I won't get to see you. This is what my BFF said to me the day before my surgery, nothing about if I was nervous or how I was feeling, just OH well since we can't do what I want we won't do anything at all. A person can be supportive with out being intrusive.