A spouse's feelings...

[lmtorb 3]

My husband had lap band surgery last July, and 5 months later, has dropped 70 pounds!! I am SOOO proud of him and he looks and feels soooo much better. That's my main feeling about this whole journey. But......I'm having problems I would like to bring to this forum.

I am overweight with a BMI around 34, so don't qualify for my insurance to pay for the lapband surgery for me. I've been on every diet known to mankind and do the typical yo-yo dieting. My issue here is that my husband has NOT told any of his family or mine that he had the surgery. He says that he is just eating smaller portions and slowing down a lot. While that is true, it's also a half-truth! He has the wonderful tool....the lap band!! So now our families oooh and aaah over him and say how GREAT he looks, then ask me "Are you doing the same thing?". Well, that makes me feel like total CRAP. I am very uncomfortable in this body but just cannot seem to get the wt. off and keep it off. My family hasn't said those direct words to me, but I can feel it on the tip of their tongues right after they go on and on about him. His family are the ones who are asking if I'm "doing it, too". They don't ask it in a demeaning way, but it hurts my feelings and makes me very, very sad. I want nothing more than to just feel HAPPY for my husband, but my emotion of feeling guilty and frustrated seem to be prevailing lately. I almost don't want to attend our family dinners, etc., because I know the same thing will happen over and over. Again, I am THRILLED with his weight loss, and that's the main thing!! But are there any other spouses or kids or friends out there who might be in the same boat as I??

If I had the money, I'd get the surgery done and pay for it, but that's not possible.

If anyone has any words of encouragement, I'd sure appreciate it. This is really making me depressed and I'm struggling with feelings more and more. Which makes me EAT more and more!!

Thanks for listening to all this rambling!!

Marcia (Larry's wife)

[GeezerSue 7]

Marcia,

Here's something I'm learning 14 months post-op. The band is a tool. It helps, but only so much. I am thoroughly capable of having plenty of restriction and losing nothing. Most people are.

So, while Larry is moving along swimmingly right now, there may come a time that weight loss just stops, because the "easy" part of is over and now it's all about making wise choices. I'm glad I got my band. it got me here. But now, in all honestly, I'm closer to where you are than to where Larry is in terms of how hard this is. (I have no saline in my band right now, and can eat a HOST of things I couldn't eat a few weeks ago. So I do eat them.)

Here's what I'm working on doing:

--I ask myself why I'm going to eat what I'm about to eat.

--I think about whether the food in question will meet the need" (boredom, loneliness, frustration) I'm experiencing.

--I decide whether to eat it or not.

--I remind myself that it is, in fact, not the very last time I can have access to this food, so it's okay to not eat it all right now.

--I remind myself that since I have been unable to eat certain foods for over a year, that my acting like I just escaped from Dachau is NORMAL, and WILL PASS.

--I tell myself that IF I choose to eat the entire 1.75 qts of ice cream today, it is not necessary for me to eat anything else (you know, the "healthy" stuff, so I can eat what I want)...AND...that tomorrow I will probably make healthier choices.

--I remind myself that I'm working on changing to healthier choices.

--I try REALLY HARD to love me anyway, just the way I am right now.

Sue

[Mahoney 1]

Hi Marcia,

Thanks for posting that. I'm in a different situation than you as I'm due to have surgery in 6 weeks, but I can completely relate to your feelings about the comments from family. The ridiculous answer would be to "don't worry about what they say", but that isn't always human. I don't really have any words of wisdom, but I most certainly know what you are talking about. You sound like a GREAT wife!!! Thanks again for your honesty. It will help me be more sensitive when I'm hopefully losing weight.

Regards,

Bob

[sassaay 1]

Hi Marcia,

I wonder if you have tried explaining this to your husband in the same way you explained it to all of us. I would think that he would understand and not want you to feel this way... I am not saying that he should move forward with telling his and your family about his Lap-Band, if he is not comfortable with this... but he may be able to come to your defense when remarks about your weight are made. Sometimes I just don't think people get it... unless they have actually walked a mile in your shoes. Even if their remarks are not meant to be hurtful, they are still causing you pain and that should be enough for you and your husband to come together and support each other through this journey.

I imagine that since you don't qualify for insurance to pick-up the costs of surgery you are feeling left out and I don't blame you. Seeing him being successful with the help of his new tool and knowing in your heart that you could probably have those same successes if you were banded... well, let's just say that I agree with Bob... You are a great wife!

I hope others on this site will be able to provide you with some support. Remember that there are people who understand what you are going through. Stay strong and good luck.

[Kiwigirl 1]

Marcia, although I am not in your position I can well understand the position you are in. One first step I think would be to show hubby the post you have written here. Have you really told him how soul destroying the situation is? I also, don't think he should "come clean" with the family if he has difficulty in doing this, but if he fully understood how you are feeling he would be standing in your corner when the subject comes up again. Sometimes I think that we think those dearest to us know what we are feeling, but it doesn't work that way. Communication is the key. Best of luck.

[lmtorb 3]

Thanks so much to everyone who replied to my initial letter. I HAVE talked to Larry about this some, but I don't think he realizes how much it's bothering me. I just feel like more of a failure than ever standing next to his obvious success!! And when people say "He's an inspiration to all of us to do the same and lose weight" I just want to TELL THEM about the band, but would never do so. He's used the band correctly as a tool and deserves all the credit in the world for hanging in there and going through the good days and the bad days, and I don't want to take that credit away from him. But at the same moment, I don't want people to think I'm just a weakling with no willpower who can't/won't try as hard as my husband. It's the proverbial rock/hard place situation, I guess.

Again, thanks for your support. This website has helped us both more than ANY other resource through his/our whole journey.

Marcia

[quakergirl 2]

Sorry to hear you're having a rough time. It's certainly understandable that you wouldn't want to have people judging you like this. While he should be the one who tells, maybe you can encourage your husband to consider telling others about the surgery sooner rather than later. After all, it's not something to be ashamed of!

[Kiera 2]

Marcia - do you have any comorbidities? Some people with a BMI of 35 are able to get their insurance to pay for their surgery if they have sleep apnea, diabetes, bad backs, all kinds of things like that. Sorry if I am repeating something you already know, but I thought I would toss it in just in case...

Is there any good reason Larry has not told anybody? Frankly in your shoes I would make him fess up to your nearest and dearest!!! What is the need for secrecy? He is being DISHONEST with them (a lie of omission) and that dishonesty is hurting you! :-( It is really that simple, isn't it?

So as this voice from the internet ether - I say to your dear hubby - "Hey, Larry, get your band out in the open to your nearest and dearest - it's no big deal that you have had the surgery - so WHY keep it a secret when it is HURTING Marcia?!"