Support for our Spouses to Avoid Divorce

[UpperWestSide 3]

Many of us have heard the incredibly high numbers of divorces among WLS patients. I am one of those women. I left a 15 year marriage exactly a year after surgery when I had lost 80 pounds and had a whole new life opening up in front of me. My partner just could not go on that journey with me. Well, now I am happily seeing someone new who wants to really be supportive during this journey with me. But what is the best way to do that? I wish there was a Board or support group for family members and spouses of Lap Band patients so they can understand what helps, what is not helpful and how to understand the journey we are on. My new partner says that living with someone who has the lapband is sort of like living with someone with diabetes. It can be managed and you can have a wonderful life but you have to understand what you are dealing with. I really do agree. I love my band but knowing how foods affect it and my weight loss is half the battle. I am happy to be with someone now who actively wants to participate in my success. But where are the tools for this?

Are there any resources out there for our husbands, wives and partners?

[Jenishrinks 0]

This is interesting because I was thinking differently when I saw your title. I was banded in June of this year. I've lost 60+ pounds, five jeans sizes and feeling pretty good about my body and myself. My spouse doesn't seem to notice the change except when I am stealing his clothes to wear to bed or go work out in. I think that's sad because I thought both of us could enjoy my new body and expected him to be as excited as I am. He doesn't comment on things and it hurts.

I guess I have no problem eating different than my family or making my own adjustments before dinner. I have three kids and I can't expect them to be happy eating like I do. For example, they love spaghetti and other Pasta and sloppy joes. I eat mainly the sauce and very little Pasta and no bun on my sloppy joe. We still order pizza but I only eat the toppings and skip the breadsticks. Sometimes they all eat something different and I have a bowl of cottage cheese for dinner. I don't really feel like we need to eat the same things or even that they need to be that involved in what I eat or how I have to eat because its my thing. My husband did bring home a Toblerone chocolate bar and set it in front of me the other day as a treat from the grocery store. I ate most of it just like I used to. He wasn't thinking about it and neither was I. Its my job to think about it before I put in my mouth though not his. Maybe I should expect them to understand or change their eating more for me, but I don't. Its just what I do for me.

What bothers me the most and I can see heading for divorce is new found confidence and other men treating me as a sexually desirable woman again while my own husband continues to treat me the same way he has for ten years. I work out the gym and notice men grab the treadmill next to me even when a million are open, old boyfriends from out of the friends list on Facebook are suddenly interested as I post skinnier hotter pictures. My therapist told me this may be an issue and yes it is an issue.

I am sorry to hear of your issues as well

[UpperWestSide 3]

Thanks for responding to this thread. I totally get what you are experiencing and how hard that can be. It may be your job to make the changes for yourself but I can't believe that your husband is putting chocolate bars in front of you. That is just sabotage, plain and simple. I'm glad to hear you have a therapist during this because that can really help get you through all of things associated with making this change. Believe me, not only will people notice and begin to express their interest, but you will not be willing to put up with the old way of living all that long.

I can't really believe that I have so much confidence and belief that I am actually beautiful. But I am and I do. I have a new love in my life who appreciate me and cheers me on in this process. I deserve that and so do you.

[spouse 0]

I'm so glad the other side of lapband surgery support is being addressed! Since a month or more before my spouse was banded, I have accepted I can no longer bake for us or other people, no longer cook foods that might tempt him, done away with most of the normal dishes in favor of small ones, completely cleaned out all the canned goods and stuff in the freezer that might be tempting, stopped conversations during meals (as per the mindful eating class instruction), and the list goes on and on. So, I have no kitchen of my own, my husband now spends most of his waking hours communicating with other lapbanders around the world, and any time he and I now talk centers entirely on his stomach, his meals, how he felt today, how many grams of Proteins, carbs, etc, he's eaten, etc. I have been going through a lot of stress at work and in life with my family and our finances right now, but most attempts to discuss any of those things are relegated to the back burner in favor of more discussions centered on him and his gastric issues.

I feel I have been very supportive by yielding the entire kitchen, changing my own eating habits, not talking during meals, going to the pool with him, complimenting him all the time on his weight loss and the smaller clothes he can wear now, and watching endles YouTube videos of him and some of his fellow lapbanders. We're even opening our home to lapbanders during this year's Meet and Greet.

Is there any support out there for those of us who just want to talk about something other than food and the surgery, etc? Does any other family member of a lapband patient feel this way???

Help!

[kll724 3,055]

I'm so glad the other side of lapband surgery support is being addressed! Since a month or more before my spouse was banded, I have accepted I can no longer bake for us or other people, no longer cook foods that might tempt him, done away with most of the normal dishes in favor of small ones, completely cleaned out all the canned goods and stuff in the freezer that might be tempting, stopped conversations during meals (as per the mindful eating class instruction), and the list goes on and on. So, I have no kitchen of my own, my husband now spends most of his waking hours communicating with other lapbanders around the world, and any time he and I now talk centers entirely on his stomach, his meals, how he felt today, how many grams of Proteins, carbs, etc, he's eaten, etc. I have been going through a lot of stress at work and in life with my family and our finances right now, but most attempts to discuss any of those things are relegated to the back burner in favor of more discussions centered on him and his gastric issues.

I feel I have been very supportive by yielding the entire kitchen, changing my own eating habits, not talking during meals, going to the pool with him, complimenting him all the time on his weight loss and the smaller clothes he can wear now, and watching endles YouTube videos of him and some of his fellow lapbanders. We're even opening our home to lapbanders during this year's Meet and Greet.

Is there any support out there for those of us who just want to talk about something other than food and the surgery, etc? Does any other family member of a lapband patient feel this way???

Help!

I don't have an answer for you. But, I feel for you. I try to keep my lapband discussions to a minimal. Obviously you are a loving spouse, and, maybe, you could initiate a group of like spouses when you have your Meet and Greet at your house. Bless you and feel free to spout off when you need to. Karen(kll724)

[honk 780]

Okay disclosure I am not married. But I think there is a fine line between being considerate and being a doormat. Your whole life should not center around his eating. Is it bad for you to share basically the sames meals because they are healthy? No. But that should'nt mean you have to give up everything you want to eat because he can't.

At some point it does boil down to his will power. Just becuaes it's in the house does'nt mean he has to eat it.

Perhaps you can have a cupboard which is yours, where you keep non band related food. I remember Mom telling Dad "you can have all the candy you want just hide it". One time he hid it in her old school hair dryer (the ones you put on the table and sat under!). Truely he was'nt being mean just clueless. It was out of sight right?

If you want to bake for people at work or for church, so what! I made my nephew a care package with Cookies. I ate one and mailed the rest.

Does he go to he grocery store or anywhere that foods is not limited for him (work, church)? I was shopping the other day and I saw this huge display of Dorittos. I had this scene in my head where cookie monster would gobble a whole plate of Cookies with half of them landing on the floor. That's how I felt at that moment about those Dorittos. But I did'nt buy them as much as I wanted to! He needs to set his own personal boundries instead of imposing them on you.

[ElfiePoo 109]

My family knows that the band alone will not be enough. I also have to change the ingrained habits of 40 years. They love me and they *choose* to help me by not bringing things into the house that they know I can't have. Do they eat it when they're at work or school? Probably but that's ok. I don't need them to eat exactly the way I do all the time. They do eat the way I do at meals for the most part.

However, I understand that while the band is a big part of my life right now, at some point other people get tired of talking about it *all* the time. So I come here for most of my 'support'.

Have you talked to your husband about how you feel? I know if my husband came to me and said that our life seemed to revolve completely around my band, it would be a *huge* wakeup call for me that I was being exceedingly self-centered...not the behavior of a mature adult.

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[rcain03@hotmail.com 1]

I know that my husband has complained lately of me talking excessively about calories, pounds, workouts...etc. It really is so hard for me not to talk about it though. This is what my life has become since being banded. For the most part, my husband is very supportive...but, there are definitely times I feel he tries to sabotage me by bringing foods to me that he KNOWS I shouldn't have. I know ultimately it is my choice as to whether I eat them or not...but, it certainly doesn't make things any easier to be tempted like that. I can understand how hard it must be for our spouses and family members to deal with such a turn about from us WLS peeps. I really do think it would be a good idea for them to have their own support system. Unfortunately, I believe my husband would rather not ever have to talk about weight loss, lapband, calories, or exercise again! I just hope he is able and willing to hang in there with me for this journey!

[spouse 0]

Wow! Thanks so much for all your supportive comments and advice! I wasn't sure if I would be empathized with or shot, to be truthful. I so appreciate your "listening" and understanding. I will definitely raise this issue with the spouses of lapbanders who come to the Meet and Greet. Again, thanks all; it's a relief to know I'm not being unreasonable.

Cheers, Everyone. As with my husband, I wish you all the best on your journey to new lives and that your spouses can handle (and applaud) the rapid changes in you.

[honk 780]

Spouce, I also wanted to tell you that my doctor never said not to talk at meal times! In my opinion that's dumb. If you are part of a conversation it slows you down because you chew swallow then talk. My oldest sister is the thinest in my family and the slowest eater ever! She does'nt say everyone be quiet so I can mindfully eat my brussel sprouts!

[stateofzen 46]

I think every couple has to negotiate what works for them and that sometimes, we lapbanders can be excessively demanding of our spouses and loved ones I do not forbid my husband from bringing foods I shouldn't eat into the house just because I will be tempted-- but to be fair, he really doesn't bring much home-- maybe we'll have a bag of tortilla chips, donuts or some snicker's bars (breakfast of champions-lol) that he keeps around. I think there has to be a healthy balance, particularly after you're through the first couple of months and are more mentally and physically controlled. I disagree that it is always "sabotage" when spouses bring sweets in the door-- sometimes, it's simply that they like the food and want to eat it.

[emjay 8]

I think every couple has to negotiate what works for them and that sometimes, we lapbanders can be excessively demanding of our spouses and loved ones I do not forbid my husband from bringing foods I shouldn't eat into the house just because I will be tempted-- but to be fair, he really doesn't bring much home-- maybe we'll have a bag of tortilla chips, donuts or some snicker's bars (breakfast of champions-lol) that he keeps around. I think there has to be a healthy balance, particularly after you're through the first couple of months and are more mentally and physically controlled. I disagree that it is always "sabotage" when spouses bring sweets in the door-- sometimes, it's simply that they like the food and want to eat it.

Stateofzen - I think in the first few months if my husband brought those "forbidden" things home and ate them in front of me it would have felt like sabotage, but now that I'm 21 months out - having Reese's in the house or Snickers doesn't bother me. But potato chips - look out! We've come to terms with foods that are "triggers" for me. He has his own cabinets for food that I don't go into. Some of us still - even at goal weight - have food issues. I think they will always be there (for me). The key is to recognize them for what they are, be aware, and find ways to mitigate their hold over us. Some things I've come to terms with and they no longer bother me. I don't have to eat a whole box of something anymore - that "feeling" is gone. But it helps to have someone there who won't eat it

[Cleo's Mom 257]

It makes me so sad to read some of these posts because my husband would have been so supportive of me with my WLS. Unfortunately he didn't live long enough. He died at age 56 five years ago of cancer. He married a thin woman and watched me put on over 100 lbs over 30 years and never once said anything negative about it. Never. He supported every diet I was on. I got breast cancer in 2002 and he got his cancer in 2003. It was at that time that I looked into WLS (the RNY at that time) because I wanted to look more like the girl he married if he was going to die. But by the time I went through all the pre-op stuff he got much sicker and I had to take care of him.

So, I wasn't able to get the surgery until over 2 years ago. I have lost about 75 lbs and he would have been my biggest supporter all the way. He would never bring anything in to the house to eat if it bothered me. He would find a way to eat it away from me. He would do everything in his power to help me be successful. So, it makes me sad to see spouses who try to sabotage their partner's WLS.

I'm sorry but if you tell your spouse that bringing candy bars home or other foods bothers you and makes it difficult to stay on track and he still does it, then your marriage is in trouble and you need to address it.

[ElfiePoo 109]

I'm sorry but if you tell your spouse that bringing candy bars home or other foods bothers you and makes it difficult to stay on track and he still does it, then your marriage is in trouble and you need to address it.

Cleo,

I am so sorry about the loss of your husband. I just wanted to say that I agree with you. When I got married, our friend finished his toast to us by saying that 'true love was putting our desires secondary to our partner's needs.' So when a spouse decides that it's inconvenient for them to give up their goodies despite their partner's need to lose weight...well, it says it all in my book.

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[Cleo's Mom 257]

Cleo,

I am so sorry about the loss of your husband. I just wanted to say that I agree with you. When I got married, our friend finished his toast to us by saying that 'true love was putting our desires secondary to our partner's needs.' So when a spouse decides that it's inconvenient for them to give up their goodies despite their partner's need to lose weight...well, it says it all in my book.

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Thank you. I have a strong motivation to keep the weight off so that when we meet again he will see me as the girl he married. Now if I could just figure out how to look 22.