I'm so frustrated - I screwed it up!!!

[uscgal97 0]

When I made the decision to get banded in April 2010, I was determined to do what I needed to do to lose this weight once and for all. I'm just back from my fourth fill today and my doctor was throughly dissapointed in me - more importantly, I'm dissapointed in myself.

In the past 3 months, I've actually GAINED six pounds. And, he noticed that my esophogus is stretching a bit as a result of eating too quickly. I know what I'm doing wrong - this isn't a "i don't know what's happening - i just can't seem to lose the weight..." this is a situation where I know EXACTLY what i'm doing (drinking too much liquor/wine, not exercising enough, not eating the right types, eating too much food). I guess, the thing that is frustrating is that this is exactly like a diet to me. No, I didn't expect the quick fix either - I knew it was going to be challenging. I guess the issue for me is that I'm at the challenging part and it's way more difficult than I ever thought it would be.

I'm seven months into this band, I have no idea what the restricition is everyone is talking about - and I just got my fourth fill today! And, I'm sick of hearing myself say I want to lose the weight but not do what I need to do to make it happen.

I'm hoping this fourth fill will be the thing that will help propel me into being able to really get this weight off but I'm really scared that this is yet another expensive failed diet and one that I actually have real scars to show for it. This SUCKS.

[anewlife10 0]

When I made the decision to get banded in April 2010, I was determined to do what I needed to do to lose this weight once and for all. I'm just back from my fourth fill today and my doctor was throughly dissapointed in me - more importantly, I'm dissapointed in myself.

In the past 3 months, I've actually GAINED six pounds. And, he noticed that my esophogus is stretching a bit as a result of eating too quickly. I know what I'm doing wrong - this isn't a "i don't know what's happening - i just can't seem to lose the weight..." this is a situation where I know EXACTLY what i'm doing (drinking too much liquor/wine, not exercising enough, not eating the right types, eating too much food). I guess, the thing that is frustrating is that this is exactly like a diet to me. No, I didn't expect the quick fix either - I knew it was going to be challenging. I guess the issue for me is that I'm at the challenging part and it's way more difficult than I ever thought it would be.

I'm seven months into this band, I have no idea what the restricition is everyone is talking about - and I just got my fourth fill today! And, I'm sick of hearing myself say I want to lose the weight but not do what I need to do to make it happen.

I'm hoping this fourth fill will be the thing that will help propel me into being able to really get this weight off but I'm really scared that this is yet another expensive failed diet and one that I actually have real scars to show for it. This SUCKS.

I totally feel you on this! I just had my first fill and I dont think I feel restriction either.... I have just been really strict about how much i eat...and I stop after 4 oz, even if im still hungry. I am very nervous that I am going to fail. Now after reading your post I am worrying that I am eating to fast also. I just eat like normal, I thought after the fill I would really notice something different, but I didnt.

Hopefully this 4th fill is just what you need to get you back on track. You can do it, 6 lbs isnt the end of the world, just stay focused and force yourself to exercise and follow your diet. I know you can do it. Just like I know I can, IF I stay focused... I just thought it would be a little different than it has been. I am going to ask for more of a fill on the 15th when I go back.

Good Luck!! You can do it!

[BetsyB 9]

So, what will you do to turn it around? What are you willing to give up?

[Kalipso2 25]

i feel for you, i really do. i can't say that i've had the same experience as you but my own journey has been a constant struggle. you are NOT alone!

i was banded in April 2008. my doctor was very aggressive with fills and by July i had already lost a significant amount of weight.... but i was having horrible bouts of acid reflux where i would wake up literally choking on my own vomit. i threw up after any meal i would eat so i lived on slimfast for the longest time. i never told my doctor any of this because i was losing weight. it wasn't until October/November 2008 that i finally told him what was happening and he immediately took an xray and my band had started to slip. he unfilled me for a month and would only fill me with .5cc each time i went but his office is 4 hours away.

unfortunately for me, i've only been able to tolerate 4.4cc's in my 10cc band and there are still days that even that feels too tight. MY problem is that i continue to eat foods that my band won't tolerate because i CRAVE them so much. i can't eat pizza anymore but once a month i still order one and pay the price afterwards.

we ALL know what we need to do but sometimes its easier said than done. what i do isn't right. i know that. just like you know what you need to do.

if you're not feeling any restriction, maybe your doctor should check to make sure your band isn't leaking! or maybe you need a more aggressive fill?

if you need to talk more in a more private setting... let me know!

[isaviolinist 11]

For me, when I get into the "Ive failed...I hate myself...this is another failed diet attempt" mode, that's when this really destructive cycle happens. It seems like thats what you might be in. Especially with your doctor being disappointed on top of your own frustration. I initially lost 80ish pounds with the band, and then gained 50 back. When I got to the 50, I was in such a pattern of self sabotage it was hard to face anything. It seemed impossible. Honestly, the hardest part was just calling the gym to make an appointment, facing the scale for the first time, logging back into LBT, restarting my blog...Once I had actually taken the initial steps to do those things, it wasn't nearly as hard. But before I did it, it seemed impossible, and I also thought I have failed another diet. Since doing all those things, Ive lost the 50 I gained back and feel better than I ever have since getting my band.

Start with one good thing for yourself TODAY. Go take a walk. Buy a food scale. Plan a meal (including calculating the nutrition facts) and then make it (and dont add that extra tablespoon of butter you think it might need...or the extra half cup of cream that would make the sauce even better....just stick to your plan). I have a lot of recipes on my blog if you need ideas. Just start with one thing today. And build from that.

[samomom 19]

Everyone has their own issues. I think that a chat with a therapist who SPECIFICALLY deals with food would be in order. He/She will hopefully be able to help you with your trigger foods and breakdowns. Also, you aren't on a diet. You have changed your way of eating. Diet are short term and never work.

[uscgal97 0]

So, what will you do to turn it around? What are you willing to give up?

Great question. First, I'm willing to limit the wine - I have to if I want to be successful. Its very clear that this is a huge barrier between me and the body I've always imagined. I'm also willing to give up the way I used to live before - and truly adopt the banded lifestyle. If I'm honest with myself, I don't know that I ever really got onboard with the plan. I thought I would figure it out and once I saw the weight come off it would be easier for me to adjust. Well, the weight never really came off - lost about 30lbs in 7 months, not bad...but not great. If I can put my head in the game, I know I can be successful at this. But, I guess that's the thing that's really hard - I shouldn't have to force myself to do this. I say I want it and I do NOTHING to get there, I had MAJOR surgery to get it and now, it's like I’m back to the same lackadaisical attitude I had 7 months ago. I feel like I’m bashing my head into a wall.

With any luck, this fill will be what I need to get some restriction and really jump start my adoption of the program - including limiting the wine intake.

[zuly98 0]

well, I know how you feel. I have had my band for 1 1/2 years and up until maybe 6 or 7 months ago, i also didn't know what restriction felt like. everyone is different. it doesn't matter how many fills you get. I got restriction after my 4th fill. so much I couldn't even swallow. they took some out then gradually over 2 more fills got back up to 7cc's. that was my sweet spot. then I got sick, had to get an unfill of 3cc's which put me at 4cc's. no restriction whatsoever at 4cc's. gained 13lbs back in 2 month and now i'm back up to 6.4cc's and I feel a little restriction.....i'm just gonna try and work with that for now. some people feel restriction at 4cc's others at 7cc's like me and I had a friend who didn't have restricion until she was at 7.9cc's cause 8.2 was too much for her. once you get near your proper fill, some people (like me) can be very sensitive to the fills. so just have patience and don't worry, you'll get the proper adjustment. just keep going in for your fills until you reach the proper adjustment.

[mirech 1]

I was banded on January of 2010 and at the beginning I felt like you did. Now I am about 12-15 lbs from my goal of 145 lbs. It does take hard work I must say. But I've realized that the band is only a tool that you use to loose weight. I not a miracle surgery. You still have to work hard....meaning eat healthy and excercise. Good luck, don't get fustrated at the end you will see results.

[Phranp 46]

Totally agree with mdhannant.

Let me add that I am a slow loser. In the early months (I was banded June 15, 2009) I so wished that I was a person that could follow a regimen without benefit of restricition/pressure on vagus nerve. By now I would probably be a size 8 ... or maybe not. But, after 18 months banded I have gone from a size 26 to a 14/16. I'm good with that ... still losing. Here's the thing, feeling bad about yourself and what you're NOT doing isn't going to move you toward your goal. Before I had restriction I had to decide what I was willing to do/give up to help myself. Initially, it wasn't much. I ate half a sandwich and a smaller bag of chips and drank Water for lunch instead of a whole sandwich, a big bag of chips and a juice. I understood that it meant I would lose much, much slower, but it beat not losing at all. Gradually, as I attained more restriction, I cut back more and then started changing what I ate. I completely stopped going to fast food restaraunts (which is not a necessity) because once restricted I couldn't eat even the smallest meal offerings. I got tired of wasting money on food that I could not eat and would not eat later (I've never felt that fast food keeps well). Now I cook almost all my meals myself. If you knew me you'd know that I was NEVER a person to cook (my poor kids ... LOL). I used to say that my kitchen floor was on fire, so anything that couldn't be cooked in 10 mins was not going to be cooked by me cuz that was all the time I could stand in the kitchen. I now only eat boneless, skinless chicken (when chicken is my protein)! Never in a million years would I have thought that I'd be willing to give up chicken skin, with all that delicious (now I think it's "yuck") fat. Anyway, to make an already long story just a little shorter, decide what you can live with and don't beat yourself up. This is not a race. People who work on their food changes before they have restriction just have a head start. Some of us aren't as good at it. Don't worry, we are not being tested on a curve, you will reach your goal when you are ready and willing to be ready and willing.

All the best to you on your journey.

~Fran

[pixistix 1]

You say you've had four fills, but how much total fill?

Do you feel discomfort when you eat too fast / too much?

Your doctor said you were stretching your esophagus -- how was this determined?

If you don't feel ANY restriction yet, I'm not surprised you've gained. I gained and lost the same three pounds over and over until I had 7.5 CCs in a 10 CC band.....

I agree with PPs about the value of therapy, nutrition and exercise and I really hope this most recent fill makes a difference for you. If not, hang in there and keep getting them. Don't give up five minutes before the miracle!

[ElfiePoo 109]

I went into this whole banded process with eyes wide open and having done my research and asked questions...and still spent the last year struggling to figure out what I was doing wrong...and realizing that I am not in the minority. Those of us who struggle with our bands are the norm, but hopefully we keep trying until we figure it out.

I'd say to stop looking for physical restriction. Yes some people get this...but many more of us never do, even when we're overfilled. Instead, look for the cessation of hunger. If you can go 3-4 hours after a meal without hunger, then your band is doing its job. Your band won't stop you from craving all the things you used to eat, but it will help by removing the hunger that pushes you over the edge. *You* will still have to come up with the self-control to create new habits and not eat just to eat.

.

[LargeMediumSmall 3]

Elfiepoo said it! A wise and well advised response. But what shocked me most was that you said that your doctor was disappointed in you. My heart just broke when I read that.

Here's what I pick up from your post. Something in your heart/mind has not opened up and is not 'allowing' yourself to succede at weight loss. In the Eastern philosophies they would say that there is a blockage in your heart chakra and you have yet to allow yourself the happiness, success & love you deserve. You are on the right path because you admittedly know what you are doing wrong. A good place to start, in my opinion.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. Most all of us have done that. So don't feel alone in that one.

Maybe some meditation on exactly why you are doing things that are contradictory to the banding process will help. If that doesn't work, as suggested by another poster, a good therapist might be able to help you get to the bottom of it.

The band can be tricky. It works extremely well for some and not so much for others. But the truth is, it's a tool, and a tool only. The power to overcome anything, even something as addictive as food and drink, comes from within. Personally, I have had to use several mantras....

I love myself

I forgive myself

I deserve to be happy

I deserve to be healthy

I take full responsibility for my actions past and present

From this day forward I will allow nothing, including & especially myself, to limit my success

I give myself permission to be happy!

Silly, I know ,but I say those things & just close my eyes & imagine little roadblocks in front of me or hurdles and as I say those words I just jump right over them, kick them down, or whatever image works for me at the time and keep moving right on down the road I visualize in my head. When I open my eyes I feel better.

Tonight you will most definately be in my prayers. When your heart is ready I am sure you will see physical & emotional progress.

Big hugs and lots of love to you.

[RandomRan 1]

Great question. First, I'm willing to limit the wine - I have to if I want to be successful. Its very clear that this is a huge barrier between me and the body I've always imagined. I'm also willing to give up the way I used to live before - and truly adopt the banded lifestyle. If I'm honest with myself, I don't know that I ever really got onboard with the plan. I thought I would figure it out and once I saw the weight come off it would be easier for me to adjust. Well, the weight never really came off - lost about 30lbs in 7 months, not bad...but not great. If I can put my head in the game, I know I can be successful at this. But, I guess that's the thing that's really hard - I shouldn't have to force myself to do this. I say I want it and I do NOTHING to get there, I had MAJOR surgery to get it and now, it's like I'm back to the same lackadaisical attitude I had 7 months ago. I feel like I'm bashing my head into a wall.

With any luck, this fill will be what I need to get some restriction and really jump start my adoption of the program - including limiting the wine intake.

I feel your pain on the wine thing. I am a home brewer (beer). My friends, my social life, everything has been brewing and beer. Beer club meetings where we all share our latest creations, brew fests, micro breweries, this was what I did when I took a night off from being a mom. The day I found out I was approved was a Friday. We got a sitter, and all my friends and I went to a beer bar where I said goodbye to all my favorites ... I explained to my Maharajah IPA(my favorite beer) it was not him, it was me ... and had one last glass. And I have not had a beer since. HARD to do. Unfortunately, I have had to separate from spending time with most of my beer buddies as that is just what we did together. Now I work out at least 1/2 an hour every day ... usually more, but that is my minimum. It keeps me motivated to stay away from the no no foods when I just burned off calories. I do not enjoy working out. I do not enjoy giving up beer. I miss laughing with my friends while tasting an awesome new release beer.

On the flip side ... I have lost 40 lbs in less than 3 months!!! My first fill was 10 days ago, I had no restriction before, and almost none now. I eat three times a day. 4 oz of Protein, 1/2 - 3/4 cups of veggies with every meal. I even puree spinach, bell pepper, and fresh basil into my eggs before I scramble them in the morning so it will make a bigger portion until my fill. For me, this was a life changing decision and I am in 100%.

The thing that helps me stay on track with not drinking alcohol or eating the wrong foods is journaling. I journal on line, enter every bite of food i eat. I have been at 800 calories a day since two weeks prior to surgery. 800 is ot a lot of food (tons of veggies help). I'll be damned if I'm going to have a couple of drinks and blow a third of my calories for the day doing so. Butter, yea friggen right! I would NEVER waste those calories on a full fat condiment either. Start journaling, every bite. It is totally what keeps me on track.

If it's truly what you want, to lose the weight, make the decision.

Best of luck!