Making Peace with Food

[LargeMediumSmall 3]

These are my personal observations about my own weight issues.

I have spent years struggling with real and imagined issues with food. I decided to have the lap band surgery after about 4 months of deep and meditative introspection about what my true 'issue' with food was. I had tried everything as many of you have. But when I took a good look at why diets, exercise & food control issues failed for me I realized a lot. One thing that became clear was that I was using food to 'medicate' myself. Every issue, large or small good or bad was medicated with food. I used food in place of dealing with my true issues. Tired, bored, happy or sad I solved the problem with food. It was no wonder I was never full. It was no wonder I was always reaching for something to eat. I would attempt to make healthy choices, I would exercise and I still did not lose weight for all the biological reasons doctors explain about metabolism. But the bottom line was that food was always front and center in my mind. I hated the grocery store like most people hate going to the dentist.

I realized at one point that food, for me, was in actuality, an addiction (I speak for myself only, of course). And I realized that this was the worst kind of addiction ever. People can give up alcohol completely and live, they can give up cigarettes & drugs and still live. They can completely remove themselves from temptation of those substances (in extreme cases of course) and function. But food addicts can't. No one ever says, "Oh, I'll just have a little heroin today." But food addicts do. We attempt to restrict the thing that helps get us emotionally and physically through the day. The bad news is that we can never truly escape our addiction to food, after all, we need food to live.

The only thing we can do is make vital attempts to undertand our relationship with food, make changes where necessary, & most of all understand ourselves and WHY food is so gosh darn important to us. If we could simply view food as fuel we wouldn't overeat, right? After all, there's no sense in overfilling your fuel tank in your car, is there. But that's not so easily done. Food has a powerful influence in our lives. We Celebrate with it, we suffer through mourning with it, we simply need it to survive. So I had to ask myself, "What the heck are you trying to avoid by numbing yourself with food?"

It took a ot of time and listening to things my inner self didn't want to listen to but in the end the answer to that question was...."Everything!" What I lacked in my relationship was covered by my relationship with food. What was lacking physically after a workout was covered by the physical apsects of food. What was lacking in the department of self-love was covered by food. For me food was a cure all. I didn't have to search for answers anywhere else, I didn't have to look for solutions to deep and heavy issues in relationships because food cured those for me. Food, for me, simply made those things go away. Unfortunately the side effects were a catch 22. The food made me feel better in the moment but then almost as soon as I'd eat it I'd start to realize that I did not do myself any favors and of course would feel intrinsically bad and would search for more food to cure the problem...creating a catch 22.

For me the answer came one day when i took a good hard look at myself. I realized that I really did love myself but what I was doing with food was inherently NOT loving to myself. I knew then and there that the best way to love myself was to overcome my addiction to food and start solving the little issues of life some other way other than food. But how?

I attempted to gain control of my eating. I made health choices, exercised and foced on all foods I put into my body as a gift of love to myself. Food is fuel not medication, I would tell myself. Some days I would do very well, and others I would fail miserably. Days when emotional issues, fatigue, stress or other stressors increased I would feel myself quickly losing control over my new found 'self-love' mantra and back through the drive through I'd go.

After many attempts to control increasing hunger after workouts & emotional eating I decided I needed help. I did my research on the lap band and decided that it was the right thing for me. I'm a natural health kinda person so the thought of surgery was not an easy prospspect for me but I knew this was the right thing to do. I did struggle a little with the thought that I SHOULD be able to hand this on my own, after all I did have good in-control days, sometimes. But my weight was getting dangerously high and I knew I had passed my personal point of no return, weight wise. So I chose the surgery.

I came to the conculsion that I would probably always have an addiction to food deep down. Just like recovering alcoholics say...you are always recovering. I knew I'd always be recovering from my food addiction but made my peace with the fact that alcoholics get help, drug addicts get help, gamblers get help, why shouldn't people with food addictions get help. The lap band was my addiction help. I knew I'd have to do some work too but I figure that if I could get a little help on the really bad days I just might be able to fight this addiction.

It has been a year and two months. I've lost 80 pounds. I struggled with new issues after the band such as exercise. I knew I was supposed to exercise but exercise never worked for me before. I feared failure or even muscle weight gain so I didn't exercise much. Yeah, a new issue to deal with. I feared I spent all that money on the band and it wouldn't work, because after all, nothing else had and this was (for me) an addiction which is all in the head right? But as weight slowly started to come off and I recieved support from friends and family who loved me (but admittedly knew nothing of how hard it is to struggle with food issues) I began to see the light. The band helped me gain control where I was simply ill-equipped to do so previously. Can you fail with a lap band? Probably. Can you sabotage yourself? Probably. Did I want to? Absolutely not. In my mind, this was my last chance and I was going to do whatever it took psychologically & physically to make it work. Even if that meant I'd have to search elsewhere, namely deep in my soul for answers to those daily stressors and emotional issues I avoided and had medicated with food for so long.

Do I still crave food when I am angry, hungry, happy or stressed? Not really. Does it cross my mind? Yes, on occasion. Why? Because over the last 14 months the physical attributes of the band and intense personal exploration has helped me develop new habits.

I use the band like alcoholics use Antibuse. I know that if I eat more than I should out of compulsion I will get sick and that's not good for me. So over time, I have come to the understanding that my band is there to help keep me in control of eating while I use my mind to solve emotional stressors. Of course I still need to eat, but out of nutrition needs, not emotional needs. I let the band help me get the proper nutrition and use it to assist me in dealing with stressors appropriately. It's sort of my version of 'tough love'. It won't let me have what I want because it knows it's not good for me and forces me to deal with the rest of life the way I should. And the only side effect is that I am losing weight.

Recently my band became lose with weight loss & increased exercise. I was hungier than usual, could eat more and I did. I felt like I was a little out of control. I attempted to handle it on my own for a few weeks understanding that at some point in my life the band may not work well anymore and I needed to see how much progress I had made in my emotional journey. The answer to that was...only a little. I didn't feel bad however, after all, I'd spent a lifetime developing my food issues. I didn't expect them to disappear in 1 year. I found myself able to eat larger portions, reveling in it, & in truth thinking "Oh, I bet I could have a Sonic hamburger." In essence, I was having a relapse. I was thinking of all the wonderful things I could have to 'love myself' with. But! the funny thing was, that the food didn't have the same medicating response anymore. Nothing that I ate gave me that sensuous UMMMM! response I thought it would. I didn't have one of those...."Oh my God, I haven't had this in a year and it tastes incredible!" feeling. I simply just ate a little larger portion than ususal and felt kinda bad about it, simply for the fact that I was pretty sure I didn't need that extra portion. So I learned that just because I could eat more, I didn't really need to and in actuality I wasn't getting that response I had expected. And no, I never really did eat a Sonic hamburger. It was at this point I chose to get my band adjusted a little to give myself the assistance I needed. I know I am making progress and my goal is to some day get to the point where I am in control of all food issues band or no band. I think I'm well on my way. I no longer fear the day I may not have use of my band because I have seen progress and I know I will get there.

So for those who still struggle with hunger, compulsion to overeat or cravings I feel for you. All I can suggest is that maybe you take a good hard look at what food means to you and how you are using is. Be honest with yourself, I know it's hard. Society doesn't make weight loss or body image easy. After all, simply take a look at your next restaurant portion and you'll see that. Your body probably only needs about a quarter of what is put on your plate to survive nicely. No one can come to these realizations for you. All I know is that I was tired with struggling with my love/hate relationship with food. I was tried of trying to bend food to my will skipping this, substituting that. I wanted my relationship with food to be normal. And I can honestly say that with the help of my lap band I'm as close to normal as I have ever been in 41 years, but still a work in progress. I am slowly making peace with food, using it for what it was intended & loving myself in the process. I used to tell people who said I need to love myself more...."I'll love myself when I'm a size 8 again." I finally realized I was missing their point. Loving who you are, doing things that honor & love the self is a process not a size destination. I am now 185 pounds, 41 years old, a size 12 and if I never lost another pound I honestly think I'd be perfectly happy with myself, physically and emotionally.

If you have ever uttered the phrase "I love to eat." or "I just love food." I would highly suggest you take a good hard look at why you made those statements and you'll get some good insight as to your personal issue with food. It may not be like mine but it just might. Thank you for reading my story and I hope you have a wonderful learning experience with or without your band.

Sincerely,

Samantha Hall

[Laylas grandma 2]

WOW!!!!!!!!!!

[phantomqu33n 0]

That was highly inspirational. I recently had the surgery, September 13th of this year, and I've been worried that even though I now have the added physical control, I don't have the emotional fortitude to deal with the addiction. Its lovely to hear of you working to conquer the addiction.

[J in Vermont 0]

Very well written Samantha. It seems as though you could read my own thoughts. I will go back to read your piece one more time.

Thank you.

- J

[vivacious123 0]

Well Said, good luck on your journey!

[laura71 12]

What insightful words. Thank you for sharing your experience with those of us who struggle with the exact same issues.

[sparkplug 106]

These are my personal observations about my own weight issues.

I have spent years struggling with real and imagined issues with food. I decided to have the lap band surgery after about 4 months of deep and meditative introspection about what my true 'issue' with food was. I had tried everything as many of you have. But when I took a good look at why diets, exercise & food control issues failed for me I realized a lot. One thing that became clear was that I was using food to 'medicate' myself. Every issue, large or small good or bad was medicated with food. I used food in place of dealing with my true issues. Tired, bored, happy or sad I solved the problem with food. It was no wonder I was never full. It was no wonder I was always reaching for something to eat. I would attempt to make healthy choices, I would exercise and I still did not lose weight for all the biological reasons doctors explain about metabolism. But the bottom line was that food was always front and center in my mind. I hated the grocery store like most people hate going to the dentist.

I realized at one point that food, for me, was in actuality, an addiction (I speak for myself only, of course). And I realized that this was the worst kind of addiction ever. People can give up alcohol completely and live, they can give up cigarettes & drugs and still live. They can completely remove themselves from temptation of those substances (in extreme cases of course) and function. But food addicts can't. No one ever says, "Oh, I'll just have a little heroin today." But food addicts do. We attempt to restrict the thing that helps get us emotionally and physically through the day. The bad news is that we can never truly escape our addiction to food, after all, we need food to live.

The only thing we can do is make vital attempts to undertand our relationship with food, make changes where necessary, & most of all understand ourselves and WHY food is so gosh darn important to us. If we could simply view food as fuel we wouldn't overeat, right? After all, there's no sense in overfilling your fuel tank in your car, is there. But that's not so easily done. Food has a powerful influence in our lives. We Celebrate with it, we suffer through mourning with it, we simply need it to survive. So I had to ask myself, "What the heck are you trying to avoid by numbing yourself with food?"

It took a ot of time and listening to things my inner self didn't want to listen to but in the end the answer to that question was...."Everything!" What I lacked in my relationship was covered by my relationship with food. What was lacking physically after a workout was covered by the physical apsects of food. What was lacking in the department of self-love was covered by food. For me food was a cure all. I didn't have to search for answers anywhere else, I didn't have to look for solutions to deep and heavy issues in relationships because food cured those for me. Food, for me, simply made those things go away. Unfortunately the side effects were a catch 22. The food made me feel better in the moment but then almost as soon as I'd eat it I'd start to realize that I did not do myself any favors and of course would feel intrinsically bad and would search for more food to cure the problem...creating a catch 22.

For me the answer came one day when i took a good hard look at myself. I realized that I really did love myself but what I was doing with food was inherently NOT loving to myself. I knew then and there that the best way to love myself was to overcome my addiction to food and start solving the little issues of life some other way other than food. But how?

I attempted to gain control of my eating. I made health choices, exercised and foced on all foods I put into my body as a gift of love to myself. Food is fuel not medication, I would tell myself. Some days I would do very well, and others I would fail miserably. Days when emotional issues, fatigue, stress or other stressors increased I would feel myself quickly losing control over my new found 'self-love' mantra and back through the drive through I'd go.

After many attempts to control increasing hunger after workouts & emotional eating I decided I needed help. I did my research on the lap band and decided that it was the right thing for me. I'm a natural health kinda person so the thought of surgery was not an easy prospspect for me but I knew this was the right thing to do. I did struggle a little with the thought that I SHOULD be able to hand this on my own, after all I did have good in-control days, sometimes. But my weight was getting dangerously high and I knew I had passed my personal point of no return, weight wise. So I chose the surgery.

I came to the conculsion that I would probably always have an addiction to food deep down. Just like recovering alcoholics say...you are always recovering. I knew I'd always be recovering from my food addiction but made my peace with the fact that alcoholics get help, drug addicts get help, gamblers get help, why shouldn't people with food addictions get help. The lap band was my addiction help. I knew I'd have to do some work too but I figure that if I could get a little help on the really bad days I just might be able to fight this addiction.

It has been a year and two months. I've lost 80 pounds. I struggled with new issues after the band such as exercise. I knew I was supposed to exercise but exercise never worked for me before. I feared failure or even muscle weight gain so I didn't exercise much. Yeah, a new issue to deal with. I feared I spent all that money on the band and it wouldn't work, because after all, nothing else had and this was (for me) an addiction which is all in the head right? But as weight slowly started to come off and I recieved support from friends and family who loved me (but admittedly knew nothing of how hard it is to struggle with food issues) I began to see the light. The band helped me gain control where I was simply ill-equipped to do so previously. Can you fail with a lap band? Probably. Can you sabotage yourself? Probably. Did I want to? Absolutely not. In my mind, this was my last chance and I was going to do whatever it took psychologically & physically to make it work. Even if that meant I'd have to search elsewhere, namely deep in my soul for answers to those daily stressors and emotional issues I avoided and had medicated with food for so long.

Do I still crave food when I am angry, hungry, happy or stressed? Not really. Does it cross my mind? Yes, on occasion. Why? Because over the last 14 months the physical attributes of the band and intense personal exploration has helped me develop new habits.

I use the band like alcoholics use Antibuse. I know that if I eat more than I should out of compulsion I will get sick and that's not good for me. So over time, I have come to the understanding that my band is there to help keep me in control of eating while I use my mind to solve emotional stressors. Of course I still need to eat, but out of nutrition needs, not emotional needs. I let the band help me get the proper nutrition and use it to assist me in dealing with stressors appropriately. It's sort of my version of 'tough love'. It won't let me have what I want because it knows it's not good for me and forces me to deal with the rest of life the way I should. And the only side effect is that I am losing weight.

Recently my band became lose with weight loss & increased exercise. I was hungier than usual, could eat more and I did. I felt like I was a little out of control. I attempted to handle it on my own for a few weeks understanding that at some point in my life the band may not work well anymore and I needed to see how much progress I had made in my emotional journey. The answer to that was...only a little. I didn't feel bad however, after all, I'd spent a lifetime developing my food issues. I didn't expect them to disappear in 1 year. I found myself able to eat larger portions, reveling in it, & in truth thinking "Oh, I bet I could have a Sonic hamburger." In essence, I was having a relapse. I was thinking of all the wonderful things I could have to 'love myself' with. But! the funny thing was, that the food didn't have the same medicating response anymore. Nothing that I ate gave me that sensuous UMMMM! response I thought it would. I didn't have one of those...."Oh my God, I haven't had this in a year and it tastes incredible!" feeling. I simply just ate a little larger portion than ususal and felt kinda bad about it, simply for the fact that I was pretty sure I didn't need that extra portion. So I learned that just because I could eat more, I didn't really need to and in actuality I wasn't getting that response I had expected. And no, I never really did eat a Sonic hamburger. It was at this point I chose to get my band adjusted a little to give myself the assistance I needed. I know I am making progress and my goal is to some day get to the point where I am in control of all food issues band or no band. I think I'm well on my way. I no longer fear the day I may not have use of my band because I have seen progress and I know I will get there.

So for those who still struggle with hunger, compulsion to overeat or cravings I feel for you. All I can suggest is that maybe you take a good hard look at what food means to you and how you are using is. Be honest with yourself, I know it's hard. Society doesn't make weight loss or body image easy. After all, simply take a look at your next restaurant portion and you'll see that. Your body probably only needs about a quarter of what is put on your plate to survive nicely. No one can come to these realizations for you. All I know is that I was tired with struggling with my love/hate relationship with food. I was tried of trying to bend food to my will skipping this, substituting that. I wanted my relationship with food to be normal. And I can honestly say that with the help of my lap band I'm as close to normal as I have ever been in 41 years, but still a work in progress. I am slowly making peace with food, using it for what it was intended & loving myself in the process. I used to tell people who said I need to love myself more...."I'll love myself when I'm a size 8 again." I finally realized I was missing their point. Loving who you are, doing things that honor & love the self is a process not a size destination. I am now 185 pounds, 41 years old, a size 12 and if I never lost another pound I honestly think I'd be perfectly happy with myself, physically and emotionally.

If you have ever uttered the phrase "I love to eat." or "I just love food." I would highly suggest you take a good hard look at why you made those statements and you'll get some good insight as to your personal issue with food. It may not be like mine but it just might. Thank you for reading my story and I hope you have a wonderful learning experience with or without your band.

Sincerely,

Samantha Hall

How true you are!!! I am 57 yrs old and have been battling this weight my whole life. I have been banded since 12/20/08 and am down 90 pds but every day is a new day to fight this addiction. Everything you said in your post is so so true and I agree 100% with it. We cannot give up food like an alcoholic or drug addict and go on to live life, we have to learn some kind of controls and every day is a new trial and error episode to our life long battle of the bulge. Truer words were never spoken like you hit the subject on the head with this post. We are all in this together and that is why even after 2 years of being banded, I come on this website every single day, every morning with my cup of coffee, I read how we are all in this together. I hope that everybody that reads your post realizes that we are all in this together and there is no magical cure (the band), everything is a work in progress. I will continue this battle since I love being a size 8-10 again after all of these years of being overweight. I love people saying how tiny I am and how young looking I look after shedding all that weight. Good luck and I hope that someone else beside myself can see the reality of what you have just posted. Bless all of you for your long journey to a better life with the band.

[isaviolinist 11]

Wow! Congrats on your success and your ability to deal with your addiction via the band! I definitely envy you.

For me, the band did not take away my compulsion to eat. I just started seeing an eating disorder therapist in hopes that she will help me out with these issues. The band, while helping me with Portion Control, definitely hasn't helped with my compulsive eating at all.

[LargeMediumSmall 3]

Wow! Congrats on your success and your ability to deal with your addiction via the band! I definitely envy you.

For me, the band did not take away my compulsion to eat. I just started seeing an eating disorder therapist in hopes that she will help me out with these issues. The band, while helping me with Portion Control, definitely hasn't helped with my compulsive eating at all.

I hope you find what you are looking for through your therapist. In the military I worked as the military version of a therapist (called a psych tech) and my degree is in social work so I have a lot of time and experience digging around in other people's heads, as well as my own. But at the end of the day all that matters is how YOU are doing. I wish you the best of luck and hope you discover the key to overcoming overeating soon. It sure is a b+++ch!

Sometimes I had to laugh and try to find the silver lining in all of it. I would thank God that my drug of choice was only food and not something worse. And while I knew overeating would kill me in the long run but I would laugh and say "at least it's not illegal." And as horrible as compulsive overeating is, with all it's sneaky evil little social hang ups, I'd say at least my skin looks great and I have all my own teeth still. It didn't stop me from going through the drive through but it did make me smile just a little. Just a split second of "Well, it could be worse" was often what I needed to help me through a high calorie day and give me the courage to go on to the next day.

I often felt (about my food addiction) that I was being attacked from all sides by my addiction and I was screaming at the top of my lungs for help but for some reason no one could hear me. I hope you and have a great therapist that can help you get to the bottom of all this. It's a process. And like any addiction I think we may be fighting it for a while, but just know, there are others out there who suffer just like you and are willing to help in any way they can.

Good luck and be good to yourself.

[LargeMediumSmall 3]

Thank you all for your lovely posts. I'm a lemonade out of lemons kidna gal. Sometimes I think you have to be in this world if you don't want to be totally miserable. We are faced with challenges in life so we can grow but sometimes those challenges consume us...no eating pun intended.

I wrote that post out of lemons. Earlier in that day I had some experiences where I felt like people were very cleverly trying to knit negativity into my life under the guise of veiled positive comments. You know the ones I mean, the ones that start with..."Don't take this the wrong way" or "I'm not trying to be insensitive but" comments. In general if you see or hear those caveats in a conversations there is psychological subversion going on. Not always, but a lot of the time it's true. Either the person doesn't know how to communicate what they truly mean, properly, and without the need for caveats or they actually mean what they are saying and are trying to cover their ass for the fallout. I was mad for a moment then decided that instead of defending myself and trying to fight off this negativity I'd just turn it into something positive for all to read.

I wrote what I felt. I wrote part of what is in my book....which may or may not ever be finished. I figured that if it helped one person, just one person, know that they weren't alone in this food mess then it was worth baring my soul on the internet.

My heart goes out to those (including myself) who are still struggling with the compulsion to overeat and/or the inability to properly handle our emotions. My prayers, love and light go out to them also. This eating issue is war as far as I'm concerned and I wake up every day ready to fight. Sometimes I win, sometimes I lose.

I was challenged just last night beyond belief. I had an issue come up that played on my deepest darkest fears. The emotional equivalent to the end of the world. All I wanted to do wasy say the heck with it all and eat a ton of ice cream. This fear was bad, I mean really bad...take all of your money out of the bank & blow it all kinda bad. Evil must have known what it was doing because the Schwann's guy came that afternoon and I kept saying "for some reason I want to order ice cream" (which I never get) but yesterday I did. By 9pm I was in tears, fearing the worst, clutching a bowl of Cookies and cream and NOT the light kind either. I was so upset I didn't think I'd be able to sleep and if I did, I suspected a borage of nightmares to come.

In all honesty I ate a bowl of ice cream and it went down quite well. I did eat a few bites to many and did get a little sick though. But later on I didn't beat myself up for it. I went into prayer, meditation, deep thought (whatever you choose to call it) to see what the real problem was and then went to bed. Long story short...I slept like a baby and by morning I understood the real issue, the real fear, discovered within myself that it was completely irrational and then felt a lightness come over me. Was this a test? Felt like it to me. I passed with what I would grade myself at, oh about a B+.

I just find it funny that on the heels of writing that post I was challenged with what I would say was the biggest emotional challenge I have ever had to overcome. And what did I do? I turned to food, (a relapse so to speak) but not nearly as bad as I would have in the past. For sure the band helped with damage control but I let my real coping skills kick in after only minimal ice cream calorie damage. I feel it was a successful growth spurt.

Anyway, I hope all of you have successful growth spurts and continue to learn about yourself & your relationship with food.

[isaviolinist 11]

I hope you find what you are looking for through your therapist. In the military I worked as the military version of a therapist (called a psych tech) and my degree is in social work so I have a lot of time and experience digging around in other people's heads, as well as my own. But at the end of the day all that matters is how YOU are doing. I wish you the best of luck and hope you discover the key to overcoming overeating soon. It sure is a b+++ch!

Sometimes I had to laugh and try to find the silver lining in all of it. I would thank God that my drug of choice was only food and not something worse. And while I knew overeating would kill me in the long run but I would laugh and say "at least it's not illegal." And as horrible as compulsive overeating is, with all it's sneaky evil little social hang ups, I'd say at least my skin looks great and I have all my own teeth still. It didn't stop me from going through the drive through but it did make me smile just a little. Just a split second of "Well, it could be worse" was often what I needed to help me through a high calorie day and give me the courage to go on to the next day.

I often felt (about my food addiction) that I was being attacked from all sides by my addiction and I was screaming at the top of my lungs for help but for some reason no one could hear me. I hope you and have a great therapist that can help you get to the bottom of all this. It's a process. And like any addiction I think we may be fighting it for a while, but just know, there are others out there who suffer just like you and are willing to help in any way they can.

Good luck and be good to yourself.

Thanks for the encouragement. It sure is a b****. I had my second session With the therapist yesterday and I really like her. So I'm hoping that there is some hope for me. I like your thought about laughing at yourself once in awhile. Sometimes things get too serious which doesn't help the stress and compulsion to eat. So I'm definitely going to try and lighten up sometimes about it. Thanks for the advice.

[LargeMediumSmall 3]

I can only speak for myself but I realized that the compulsive part of overeating is separate from the band. Yes, the band helps with Portion Control, feeling full, feeling full longer & in truth it's my 'warden', meaning it doesn't really allow me to overeat. But does the band control my compulsion to overeat? No, not really it assists with other factors that contribute to compulsive overeating but it can't stop the compulsion. That comes from within the self. I control that or at least attempt to.

What my band does is offer me more control over my 'actions' than I had alone. Do I still want to eat? Yes & no. Let me preface this by saying prior to my band I NEVER felt full. I never had that want, need or desire to push away from the table and say "I can't eat another bite." I could always eat another bite. The band helps me stay full longer on smaller portions so I have less of a need to overeat. In the past I was a famine/feast eater. I hated how food controlled me so much I would attempt to control it. I wouldn't eat for as long as I could because I just hated my relationship with food, then when I did it it was to much. My thought process was that if I could go most of the hours of the day without eating then there were fewer hours left for me to possibly overeat, but I did anyway. I couldn't follow the 3 meals/2 Snacks routine because I thought that any food I put into me was, well, just wrong. I knew it would increase my metabolism, make me hungrier, and in the end I wouldn't be able to control that hunger, even with proper portions, 'free foods', & lots of Water. That's why programs that allowed me to eat the 3/2 never worked for me. I just ended up focusing on the thing I hated, food. I preferred to ignore it for as long as I could each day.

So does the band control the compulsion? It assists me. The outcome from weight loss & changing certain habits is what really controls the compulsion, for me that is. As I have mentioned in my post...I had an emotional melt down two nights ago and immediately wanted to turn to food. Compulsion,brought on my temporary inability to deal with an emotionally charged situation, yes. Controlled by the band, no? Did I overeat? No, the band kept me from doing massive ice-cream calorie damage. The band forced me to only go so far before I had to address the emotional issue. So it all works as a team. Needless to say, I addressed the issue, overcame it, major damage avoided.

Do I have a healthy relationship with food now after having a band for 14 months. Honestly, no. I don't. Food is still my enemy. I don't eat the 3/2 combo like I should. I avoid food like the plague....well, maybe not that bad. Each day I get a little better. I keep my calories under control most days & I do a little exercise most days. But yes, I still hate my relationship with food. It's a step process. I've got the physical part of eating pretty much under control with the band but in reality I still have a skewed relationship & thought process on food. I'm working on that each day.

I can sympathize with you about still wanting food. I hated that compulsion. I still do. My mind would say it's irrational, stupid and my personal strength should be able to overcome the desire for Chick Fil A. And when it didn't, I felt about 1 inch tall. I'm a strong person, I see amazing things each and every day. Things I won't even talk about because you'd think I was crazy. Of all the amazing things I know are real, true and supernatural why couldn't I get a hold of this one little compulsion? I still don't know the answer to that, but I work on it every day because I know that one day my band may not work anymore and the control will be all on my psyche and shoulders. For this reason I am slowly working on getting my perspective on food, my control over food, & my love/hate relationship with food into balance.

I am slowly realizing that for me, the band isn't just about losing weight. In fact, that's just a nice side effect of the thing. The reality of what a lot of us are doing is using the band as a tool to help us understand ourselves and our relationship with food. In turn, this helps us understand ourselves. I think I am doing well with this process on my own, probably because of the nature of who I am and the fact that I have a background in therapy. I do highly recommend therapy for anyone who is still struggling to figure this whole mess out. A good therapist can help a lot.

Nobody is perfect. And even when we grow we sometimes relapse. An just when I think I have it figured out I realize I don't, at least not all the way. Sometimes I think I'm doing fabulously well, then I write a post and realize I still have big issues to work on, issues I didn't see before..or refused to see. On my last post I felt like I had my food issues under control pretty well. Then as I wrote this one I realized, hey, I still have a skewed relationship with food. Not cool. I had better get to work on that.

So just remember that this isn't just about losing weight, it's about getting to know and heal yourself. If you are on this board then you are obviously giving it your best shot and I commend everyone for that.

I hope and pray that your attempts to get your issues under control are utterly successful. Big hugs and lots of love to you.

Oh, and thank you for your post. As much as I hate to hear that people are struggling if I hadn't read your post and started this reply it may have been a longer time before I realized I'm still not completely Kosher with my relationship with food. I was thinking that because I was eating less, wanting less, and controlling it more easily I was fine. But I realize now that I am still need to get to a point where I don't hate food because I'm definately not there yet. So today, you helped me. A huge thank you! Today you were my therapist.