Advice for Husband who is Micro-Managing Food Intake

[vickyd 24]

I agree with the others that you need to set your expectations with your husband. He needs to understand what you need from him if you confess that you slipped a bit and ate something you shouldn't. If, after you communicate your needs to him, he continues to act the same way then I would just stop sharing those things with him.

On a more personal side...The other day, my husband and I had a long conversation in the parking lot of the grocery store...he was thinking that I was starting to slide into my old habits of overeating and he said something about it. I will admit that my first instinct was to get defensive about it but his comments made me realize that I had not taken the time to educate him on what and how much I was supposed to be eating based on my discussions with my NUT. Once I explained it to him, he backed off...I realize now that he was trying to be supportive in his own way and I need to stop being so defensive and try to understand what his concerns are. I think it was a real eye opener for us both...

[hokiemama 13]

That totally sucks. My parents tried to "control" my eating when I was growing up and I rebelled by eating more. They thought they were helping me, it didn't, but they didn't realize that until years later when I told them. I agree that you should talk to your hubby about it. Marriage is stronger with honesty. It will sabatage you in the long run if it continues. My husband is the exact opposite. He offers me sweets and wants to eat out all the time. lol. He has made a comment about thinking I will leave him once I lose the weight. Interesting huh??

[nate 1]

be nice if we could refer to the issues with spouses, happens both ways, and with parents too!

[PhilC 5]

The main thing is that men do not think the same as women do. They are problem solvers by nature...he may even have thought that you were wanting him to help you problem solve by bringing it up. I have learned that I have to teach my husband what supporting me means....what I WANT and what I don't want. When I tell him in a way that is not mean or crabby he does listen and try to not be hurtful.

If I try to tell him in a playful way or hint it never works...has to be direct and honest. He is no mind reader that's for sure!

Ding ding, from the guy crowd....WE HAVE A WINNER! TELL US IN PLAIN ENGLISH WHAT YOU WANT!

[nate 1]

Ding ding, from the guy crowd....WE HAVE A WINNER! TELL US IN PLAIN ENGLISH WHAT YOU WANT!

Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one:

Subtle hints don't work.

Strong hints don't work.

Really obvious hints don't work.

Just say it!

[melzie_99 22]

food policing is starting already...*sigh* I'm WAY under my calories for the day (maybe had 500-600) and decided to have about 1/2c sugar free Jello with some fat free whipped topping, both of which are on my list of approved foods for this stage. My husband asked me "what's in the cup"; when I told him he just stood there frowning at me with his hands on his hips like I'm cheating or something. I haven't even been banded for 2 weeks yet! We're going to be fighting if this is the way it's gonna be...

[HeatherinCA 10]

My parents do it a little when I see them. I guess it's good, but it's a personal battle I wanna deal with on my own.

Well remember, he's only trying to help. I'd try to not get offended, but I'd also tell him, this is my battle, and I have to learn on my own.

[honk 780]

Melzie, I totally understand that you are budgeting you calories. I think you need to have a conversation with your husband about that and perhaps even go over exactly what you ate in any given day and how many calories there were. In you husbands defense while the fat free coolwhip was approved it gives the illusion of eating dessert less than two week after having weight loss surgery. I'm not saying it's fair just stating the fact. On day 6 of my clear liquid diet I strained chicken noodle Soup for the stock; a misicule piece of cooked carrot made it to the cup. When I "ate" it I mushed it with my tongue and savored the living days lights out of it! I told my mother how WONDERFUL it tasted and she said "Should you have eaten that? Would you jepordized everything now!" And that was a piece of cooked carrot!

[Sperry 1]

I know what you mean I have my son also watching me ..Both men sat and watched me eat a peice of chicken. I guess they care. BUT THIS IS OUR JOURNEY AND WE MUST DO IT OURSELVES. DON'T TELL EVERYTHING YOU EAT.

[nurseAMY11 0]

My husband was anti-band before I started the surgery process. He went on and on about how I didn't need it (yeah right!) and that he thought it was a cop-out, I just needed to buckle down and lose weight on my own, blah, blah, blah. When I got more serious about surgery and he saw that I wasn't backing down, he had a serious conversation with me. Turns out, he was just scared of the surgery. He thought I was putting my life at risk to lose weight. After a long talk about reality, he supported my decision. So much so that after surgery he monitored and commented on my meals and workouts. It annoyed me (especially since he ate whatever he wanted in front of me and never worked out!) to the point where I needed to have a chat with him. The poor man thought that he was doing me a favor by being the food police. He said he knew how important it was to me and he thought he was helping me be successful. I told him that I appreciated that he wanted to help me, but that I needed to learn how to control my diet on my own. Support me, don't help me! Ever since he has been an angel... he even started coming to the gym with me and keeping his suggestions to himself. We agree that if I want his opinion about somehting, I will ask him. Problem solved!

Anyway, my point is, we can't read each other's minds. I'm sure our men don't mean to annoy us or hurt our feelings, they are just olbivious to it like they are to everything else! lol

[melzie_99 22]

My husband was anti-band before I started the surgery process. He went on and on about how I didn't need it (yeah right!) and that he thought it was a cop-out, I just needed to buckle down and lose weight on my own, blah, blah, blah. When I got more serious about surgery and he saw that I wasn't backing down, he had a serious conversation with me. Turns out, he was just scared of the surgery. He thought I was putting my life at risk to lose weight. After a long talk about reality, he supported my decision. So much so that after surgery he monitored and commented on my meals and workouts. It annoyed me (especially since he ate whatever he wanted in front of me and never worked out!) to the point where I needed to have a chat with him. The poor man thought that he was doing me a favor by being the food police. He said he knew how important it was to me and he thought he was helping me be successful. I told him that I appreciated that he wanted to help me, but that I needed to learn how to control my diet on my own. Support me, don't help me! Ever since he has been an angel... he even started coming to the gym with me and keeping his suggestions to himself. We agree that if I want his opinion about somehting, I will ask him. Problem solved!

Anyway, my point is, we can't read each other's minds. I'm sure our men don't mean to annoy us or hurt our feelings, they are just olbivious to it like they are to everything else! lol

I'm glad yours "saw the light"; I think it's going to take mine a little longer. We actually got into an argument about it tonight. In another post I mentioned how he brought home some pastries that I literally have cover to avoid the temptation and how he refuses to take them out of the house. I was dealing with it, but tonight he pushed it further: he asked me to cut him a piece of one of the loaves and I told him no. He got upset and said that he was doing me a favor (I asked him to take the recycling bin to the curb because the container is HEAVY) that I should do him one. He went and got it himself, but when I tried to talk to him about why I said no he got angry and threw his food away, telling me I should "know better" than to eat something that would "hurt me" He doesn't seem to get no, it's not going to HURT me, but it's WAY too soon for me to be eating anything like that and I don't want the temptation. If I could say no that easily to bad stuff, I wouldn't have gotten the surgery. I likened it to asking an alcoholic to go buy you beer when they're trying to quit. Yes, we should be able to say no, but why would you even challenge them like that? *sigh* You're probably right that he thinks he's helping but I've been through this before with him and I'm tired of it. He thinks saying "should you be eating that?" is helpful...I'm just so frustrated right now.

[BlairE 1]

then make the decision to do it for yourself..... when he starts to say something say what every child is told ..... if you can't say something nice then don't say anything at all. What doesn't make sense is he wants you not to eat the bad stuff but yet he brings it into the house. Do you think that underneath it all he doesn't want you to succeed b/c he is afraid you will change towards him. When I first started the process of getting banded I told my hubby that when its done he can't bring it in the house anymore to where I can see it. His response was... "why, I am not the one getting surgery" ..... so I took him to a support group seminar. There he heard from other patients that it just wasn't me but many ppl who have the same issues. He seemed to go out of there with a little different attitude but I am not getting banded until Jan. 28th so I will let you know how it goes....

[MaybeBanding26 5]

I'm glad yours "saw the light"; I think it's going to take mine a little longer. We actually got into an argument about it tonight. In another post I mentioned how he brought home some pastries that I literally have cover to avoid the temptation and how he refuses to take them out of the house. I was dealing with it, but tonight he pushed it further: he asked me to cut him a piece of one of the loaves and I told him no. He got upset and said that he was doing me a favor (I asked him to take the recycling bin to the curb because the container is HEAVY) that I should do him one. He went and got it himself, but when I tried to talk to him about why I said no he got angry and threw his food away, telling me I should "know better" than to eat something that would "hurt me" He doesn't seem to get no, it's not going to HURT me, but it's WAY too soon for me to be eating anything like that and I don't want the temptation. If I could say no that easily to bad stuff, I wouldn't have gotten the surgery. I likened it to asking an alcoholic to go buy you beer when they're trying to quit. Yes, we should be able to say no, but why would you even challenge them like that? *sigh* You're probably right that he thinks he's helping but I've been through this before with him and I'm tired of it. He thinks saying "should you be eating that?" is helpful...I'm just so frustrated right now.

I understand exactly what youre saying. My mom came to be with me for surgery and the week following....she is driving me insane! "should you be eating that?" "WOULD I be eating that if I shouldn't?!?!" I mean, good lord! I'm three days out! I'm not going to eat a steak! And this is AFTER she went to the hospital caf and came back to my room and started eating! Then acts all hurt because I got pissed! "well what are you gonna do at work when people eat in front of you?!?!?"

Seriously woman!?!? And now she wants to be the authority on what I should be eating. That's rich.

I love living alone.

[MaggieGT 0]

I took a class in my Sunday school, "Women are from Venus and Men are from Mars". The poster who said your husband was just problem solving is right on.

The book says when we women talk we like to discuss things in detail to get a lot of ideas out there, like a brain storming session. We don't really want who we are discussing it with to come up with a solution.

According to the book though, men naturally want to come up with and start implementing the solution.

Just different approachs. Knowing that, you can just discuss with your friends instead of your husband.

When you do want him to suggest a solution, just ask him directly. Most husbands would love to help in any way we want them to.