Advice for Husband who is Micro-Managing Food Intake

[HezTri-s 1]

I was banded on October 28, 2010 and I recently told my husband that I had slipped up and eaten a Suzie-Q and some Chex Mix. When I told him this it was more of a, "Hey, I slipped up, but I'm now going back on the wagon." Since then, he has been watching what I am eating or preparing to eat and make comments like, "you're not going to eat all of that are you? " I have read on some other people's posts that they have problem with spouses and this need to control. Can you give some advice on the best way to tell your partner to buzz off while not sounding snotty/crabby? I know that he does have other controlling tenancies so this is just another manifestation of this, however I would like to see how some other people have dealt with this.

PS my weight has been steadily decreasing, more slowly since transitioning to more solid foods. I have not eaten any of these 'bad' foods since. I don't want to have to keep watching over my shoulder or feel like I have to sneak away to eat. I had a fill last Monday. I also want to be able to feel like I can tell him when I have mistakes to have someone to confide in, but it seems like he might not be a safe venue for this.

[FinallyFree0812 9]

I don't let my husband know anything about what I do wrong because he has no sympathy or understanding of the process. If you need someone to talk to, I would talk to people on here. I made friends with a very nice lady that lives very close to me. We have never met, but we talk on the phone almost everyday and become very good friends. It is good to have support from someone who knows what you are going through. I won't be telling my husband when I mess up because I don't want to be corrected like I were a child.

[cwm812 11]

Honestly, we'd be having a long, serious chat about that one.

Nothing makes me want to eat more than someone telling me what to do. My husband and I have been married for a long time and I told him years ago, that he was not to be the "food police". If I am fat or thin, it is up to me, not him. I want his support, but I need to be in control of what I eat. To this day, I have never told him how much I weigh or how many calories I consume. I don't hide eating from him, but I make it abundantly clear that commentary is not welcome. He has figured out that I am serious about this one and he has learned not to comment. It's probably why we're still married.

Is your husband thin? Mine is and I really don't think he can ever understand what my years of weight problems have been like for me. When he did make comments, he really was trying to be helpful, but I found it mean and controlling. I think you really need to make him understand that this is not helpful. I need my husband to love me and support me, no matter what I eat or what size I am. The micro-managing stuff makes me feel inadequate and I won't put up with it.

You are doing well managing your weight and your band. You will eat some less than ideal foods. We all do. Make your choices and deal with them, it's the only way to learn this new lifestyle. I wouldn't "confess" your food sins to you husband unless he can learn not to comment. It will drive you crazy.

Cindy

[123crod 170]

I have been married for a little over 30 years and when I had my surgery 16 months ago, I told my skinny little donut eating man that I love that this is my surgery and I am in charge of it and not him unless he wants me to control his food intake too. All has been peaceful!!

Cheri

[JanB23 23]

Tell him you want support not supervision. All you need him to say when you cheat is that it is OK. We all need to cheat a little sometimes so, then for most of the time we can make good decisions. It is no big deal as long as you don't go back to old habits. I know for me i will crave things and finally give in and have a little and realize it wasn't as good as i though it would be and next time i am able to resist as i remind myself it was not that good anyway(or it hurt). So cheating a little can prevent cheating a lot! So tell him even though you ate something that wasn't the best for you that you are in control and he doesn't need to be. Good luck and well done on your weight loss so far.

[Dave_NW 92]

I think the text in the OP says what needs to be said. Tell your husband what you said in that second paragraph. Most important, you need to make him a partner, not the opposition in the journey. It may be he wants so much for you to succeed with your band that his comments were out of his mouth without being edited. If you give him a hug and a smile when you say it, the words won't sound nearly as snarky.

I'm a guy, so belong to the clueless herd, but it seems to me that if he's having issues with your food, and you say he has controlling issues in other areas, you may need to be a bit more proactive about communication in your marriage. Just my two cents.

Good luck!

Dave

[ElfiePoo 109]

Communication is the key. Your husband may believe he's helping you. Sit him down and tell him exactly what you need from him. He may or may not be able to be there in the way you need him to be and that's ok, but if he can't, then he (and you) need to define the boundaries of what is acceptable and stick with them.

.

[isaviolinist 11]

Luckily my fiancé is not like that. But my mom is and has been for my entire life. I love her more than life itself but I rarely have heart to hearts with her about eating or overeating. I learned at a young age to hide food from her. I would take food upstairs or stuff it in the couch cushions. Now, at 28, when I go home, sometimes I still hide food. Because I know if she sees me eating anything besides a meal (and if the meal portion seems too big to her she'll say something), regardless of what it is, she'll comment. I could tell her that vie only eaten 500 calories that day and 1 Hershey kiss will fit into my calorie budget for the day and it just won't matter to her. I have been very straight with her about this issue in the past few years as it's a serious boundary issue. I would suggest doing the same for your husband. Approach it kindly, but if he doesn't respond to that, do what you need to do to drive your point home.

[G Rose 0]

My husband isn't like that, but my mom is, always has been. I tell her what my dad tells her: "Mind your own plate."

[HezTri-s 1]

Thanks all for the replies. He hasn't made any comments since I posted this originally. I think if he makes any other comments I will try to talk with him.

[happygirl65 5]

The main thing is that men do not think the same as women do. They are problem solvers by nature...he may even have thought that you were wanting him to help you problem solve by bringing it up. I have learned that I have to teach my husband what supporting me means....what I WANT and what I don't want. When I tell him in a way that is not mean or crabby he does listen and try to not be hurtful.

If I try to tell him in a playful way or hint it never works...has to be direct and honest. He is no mind reader that's for sure!

[Fluffy_Gurl 3]

My boyfriend is the same way. He comments constantly about what I eat. He never said anything before the surgery about what I ate. He however can eat whatever he wants. He has no issue with eating several ic cream bars at a sitting. lol. He is not a super heavy guy but has gained about 20lbs since we started dating. I dont think that i have to completely deny myself everything that is bad. for instances i bought some skinny cow ice cream treats for when i really have a craving. I also bought some sf chocolate mini bars and i have a piece after diner because i am craving something sweet so badly. We had this surgery so we could learn to live healthy and happy not so we could be supermodels and eat a cracker a day right? so i say a susie q once in a while is not going to kill you. just adjust your calories for the week to make up for it. or go for an extra walk. he could go with you! We have to be in control of our own bodies and stop worrying about what our men think. ( i say this to give advice to myself as well as you lol )

My man can be very judgemental. I am very open minded about most things, he is very the opposite. I usually have patience when dealing with his ignorance lol but sometimes i let it get to me and it makes me angry. I get mad, and well it usually ends up in an argument. We are learning to communicate and learning how each of us communicates in other ways.

I am with the other poster who says...vent to us...not to him. No one will know your struggles more than someone else who has the same struggles.

[Tami_819 17]

If that were my husband, i'd be micro managing his intake just the same. He'd learn real quick how fun it is...NOT! But seriously, maybe you just need to sit down & chat with him. Perhaps he feels he's helping you remind yourself to watch you diet & not go overboard without realizing he's a little overwhelming. I'm sure he wants to be supportive and if you just clue him in a little bit, things will get better.

Good luck!

[LapBandBobbi 8]

I've been lucky and my hubby is very supportative. I don't feel guilty if I eat something that is not healthy and he doesn't say anything either. Both of us know this is a process and we are both very happy with the progress I've made so far. Hang in there. Sometimes, it gets harder before they realize this is a lifestyle change. It's a change for both of you and your relationship with food. Good luck - you're doing great so far!

[sparkplug 106]

I don't let my husband know anything about what I do wrong because he has no sympathy or understanding of the process. If you need someone to talk to, I would talk to people on here. I made friends with a very nice lady that lives very close to me. We have never met, but we talk on the phone almost everyday and become very good friends. It is good to have support from someone who knows what you are going through. I won't be telling my husband when I mess up because I don't want to be corrected like I were a child.

I agree, I don't dare tell my husband that since the weather has gotten bad and cannot walk my 1 mile a day, I have gained 3 pds while I am maintaining my weight of 90 pds lost. I would never be able to live with him without him watching my every move and every morsel I put in my mouth. He is always watching how big of a piece instead of watching himself and it drives me absolutely nuts. My husband recently had his own health scare and is concentrating on losing some weight himself, of course he does not want to listen to me on smaller portions. What do I know, I only lost 90 pds in one year by following the bandster rules. Again, the less my husband knows about me cheating for the holidays, the more happier I will be for my week off on vacation. Ignorance is bliss and that is the way I like to keep my better half!