To tell or not to tell...

[Swan56 6]

Okay, I have been struggling with whether to tell my dad I am having surgery or not. I love my dad and would love his support but I'm afraid he just doesn't understand. I mentioned to him last month that I was thinking of having surgery. I've actually been researching since August and at that point was going through the steps for insurance. He is basically against any surgery - he got a "frog" in his throat and kept clearing his throat and telling me I wouldn't be proper nutrition and it wasn't healthy and... anything really. It stems from my grandfather - his dad. When i was only 8 or 9, my grandpa went into surgery to have some "simple tests run" and ended up having a fatally allergic reaction to the dye - barium. Needless to say, that has strained my dad's confidence in medical doctors. I have told my husband, sister, mom, stepdad, and a few close friends. They're all very supportive. I told my little brother tonight and he was a little shocked. I explained my concern with telling dad and he say, "Well it's your body, just don't tell him." That would be the easiest thing to do - i think. But I also know how my dad is. Withholding information is the same as lying in his eyes and I know he'd be very upset - especially if my mom and stepdad come to town for it. I don't want to upset him or hurt our relationship. We aren't super close but we have a decent relationship. When I told him last month, he says - well let's try this. He gave me tons of Vitamins and told me what he'd like for me to do (exercise each day, eat whole foods, etc). I have been doing that - but truth is, i have been doing that off and on for years. The diet I was on twice was just that - vitamins, high protien, exercise - and I did great for the first few months (lost about 30 pounds) but then I gained it all back and then some. I don't think he realizes how hard I have already tried to do this on my own. My dad has never teased or been hurtful about my weight - in fact, he never even mentions it. But I know he knows the reprocutions of the excess weight. Thoughts...?

[CheckYes 46]

If you are an adult, having your dad mmonitor your weight feels like a bad idea to me. I've been there and done that. My dad weighed me every other day during a diet he was helping me with - I was 25. NOT a healthy relationship. I say dont tell him. Only tell people you know will support you. Best wishes.

[riverat 1]

Wow, that's a tough one. I think I would tell him because I know HE would want to know.

My first thought would be to wait until the last minute (giving him less time to get worked up), and explain why I purposely waited so he doesn't feel left out of the loop. Then again, I thought maybe time would give him time to get used to the idea. How has he reacted to medical crisis in the past? Better or worse to let him stew?

[Swan56 6]

@CheckYes My dad isn't really monitoring my weight. He's really just trying to be helpful, but i understand where that could be destructive.

@riverat - I don't really know. His mom is 92 and his brother (56) was diagnosed with early onset alzheimers. I think that's about the most medical crisis he has had. He doesn't really go to a doctor. He's a pretty keep-to-himself king of guy. I know when he gets mad about something he won't talk to anyone for a while. He has to think first. So I'm thinking maybe... stew?

Either way, I know it's going to be hard. I'll feel guilty if i don't tell him but it'll be less stress on me than having to tell him. I talked to my mom and stepdad about it earlier this week and my stepdad said, "Well everyone has their opinions, i can respect that. Print him off some information to explain the procedure..." I think the only experience he has is with Gastric - a route i refuse to take (too intrusive for me but know it works great for some). One of his patients had gastric and had a really rough time with it. He ended up having atleast one more surgery and got really sick, etc. Maybe he thinks they're all the same... who knows.... UGH

[cwm812 11]

I have to tell you..I agree with Riverat.

If you weren't planning on telling anyone, keeping this from him would not be a big deal. You're an adult and you're allowed to have private issues. But if you are telling the rest of the family...he is going to be hurt big time when he finds out. And I am absolutely sure that he will find out at some point. It may seem like less stress right now, but the lying after the fact will be awful.

I'd wait a little while and then explain calmly that you've made your decision. You thought about everything he said and you are convinced that this is the right way to go. I think it's important at that point that you are confident and determined about your decision.

Dad is going to worry. It's the nature of parents. But it's important that he can trust you and if you lie to him about something like this, there are going to be trust issues for a long time to come.

Cindy

[Swan56 6]

I have to tell you..I agree with Riverat.

If you weren't planning on telling anyone, keeping this from him would not be a big deal. You're an adult and you're allowed to have private issues. But if you are telling the rest of the family...he is going to be hurt big time when he finds out. And I am absolutely sure that he will find out at some point. It may seem like less stress right now, but the lying after the fact will be awful.

I'd wait a little while and then explain calmly that you've made your decision. You thought about everything he said and you are convinced that this is the right way to go. I think it's important at that point that you are confident and determined about your decision.

Dad is going to worry. It's the nature of parents. But it's important that he can trust you and if you lie to him about something like this, there are going to be trust issues for a long time to come.

Cindy

I know exactly what you're saying Cindy. That's why the decision is so hard. If he asked, I wouldn't lie. I can't remember lying to my parents about anything (even in my young/dumb years). I may have kept things from them but when asked - I always tell the truth. So yes, of course he would find out. I am very confident in my decision to have the surgery - a little scared because I've never had surgery - but confident. In fact, when I first started to consider it, I was shocked. I was against it before - thinking I could do this all on my own. But I've been trying as long as I can remember to not be the fat girl and it hasn't worked for me. And I know it's not because I've been lazy with my attempts or quit. I just need help. I'm doing it for me - but my family will benefit from this decision. My dad has a good friend whose daughter lost over 100 lbs "on her own" a few years ago. I guess he thinks I should be able to do that too. He has said, "the concept is simple - burn more calories than you put in." YES - THAT SEEMS LIKE A SIMPLE CONCEPT. Through my working out every day of the week, to eating TONS of protien and not many carbs, to only eating once a day... it hasn't worked that way. I've questioned many times what is wrong with me. Like I've said in other posts, my family isn't obese. I'm the chunky one but my siblings are all "normal" size. I guess initially posting this - i knew in the long run that I would tell him before the surgery. I just wanted some encouragment. I know he's not going to take it well. He won't get mad but I know he will worry...

[ElfiePoo 109]

Since you've already told other family members, I would tell him...but in a way that says "I'm an adult and I'm telling you this because I love and respect you...but it's not up for discussion. I am doing this for *me*."

.

[Swan56 6]

Great idea... Just have to figure out how to do that exactly. Lol

[ElfiePoo 109]

Great idea... Just have to figure out how to do that exactly. Lol

"Dad, I love you and respect your opinion, but I've decided to go ahead with the band surgery. I know you may not agree with my decision, but I hope you'll respect the fact that it is my decision."

.

[melzie_99 22]

I've been contemplating the same thing; my dad and I are pretty close and he always seems to know when something's going on with me so keeping secrets is hard. However, from the response I've gotten from my sisters (and I haven't even been approved yet), I don't think I'm going to tell anyone other than my husband. Being that my family is thousands of miles away, I figure I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. However, telling people you've lost weight from eating less and exercise (which I know will be required) isn't a lie per se but the whole omission of the truth does bother me. Keeping secrets from family is a lot harder than a random inquisitive person.

[amberakamom 13]

I'd tell him about it AFTER surgery.

[RyanTheGirl 1]

Have you already been approved for surgery?

Are there local support groups?

Is there an informational meeting close?

If I were in your shoes, this is what *I* would do....

I would tell my dad that this is something that I seriously have been thinking about, and have honestly already taken the steps towards making it happen. I value your opinion (my dad's) and I understand your fears/concerns... the fact is, it is my decision, and because I respect you, and value you-- this is something I want your support in. I understand that you believe it should be as easy as "eating right and working out"- but that just simply does not work for me- by itself.... me getting a lap-band is just a tool for me. It is the blue prints or the hammer towards remodeling my "house" if you will... I could have every piece of wood needed to build a house- but without tools, it would just fall apart. I can diet and work out all my heart desires, but for some reason, it always falls apart...

Because I want your support and value your opinion, I would love for you to come with me to an informational meeting- so that any questions you may have can be answered by a professional- by someone who has years and years of experience and does this every day. I want you to come with me to a support group so that you may see and understand the changes it has already had in other peoples lives, and so hopefully you can help encourage me to make that same positive and HEALTHY change in my life. This is something that I want to do for me, and for my family- so that I can become a HEALTHIER me, and enjoy what is left of the rest of my life, being the person who has been living inside this "fat body" all these years....

I struggled with this and was pained at the thought of hurting you, but was still hesitant about telling you. I feel either way you are going to feel like I am doing something to hurt you- and I would like every opportunity to help you understand the decision I am making, even if it is for selfish reasons- because I want your support. I know you will love me either way, but I would also like for you to support me. Please take the time and think about it, and let's go through this journey together.

Now- like I said- not knowing 100% of your situation- that is what I would say if it were me and my father. Best of luck to you, and remember-- you are the only person you have to answer to. You have to look at yourself in the mirror- and though you should LOVE yourself whether you are obese or thin, you need to be healthy.

[Swan56 6]

I'd tell him about it AFTER surgery.

I think I have made up my mind to tell him before... but i do think after would be less stressful.

[happygirl65 5]

I understand your dilemma. I had a really HARD time telling my Dad. My Dad and I have not been close but I have always loved and respected him and he has loved me the best he could. My weight has been an issue between us, not because he thinks badly of me, but because he wants better for me and I understand that. He even tries to talk to me about healthy things that work for him (never had a weight problem in his life) so I had reservations about telling him and I had butterflies when I picked up the phone to finally call and tell him. Here's how it went down for me:

"Dad, I know we don't talk about important stuff much but I really need to tell you something really important." he sais "ok" sounding very concerned...and I said "I have decided to do the lap band surgery. It's not scheduled yet but it will probably happen pretty soon and I just wanted you to know that I am doing it so that you know what I am going through because you are an important person in my life and I want you to know what is going on with me." He said, really? "Yeah, this is just something that I think can really help me with this weight struggle that has been dogging me my entire adult life. I have done my homework and I already know the risks and the rewards and have made up my mind. I just wanted you to know." He went on to tell me of some friend of a friend who has lost a lot of weight that way and that he wishes me the best.

One thing I know about Dad's in my experience is that if you approach something from a standpoint of being absolutely certain and confident about something then they will respect that you have thought it through....but if you act like you are not sure...even if you are really just nervous about THEIR reaction they will try to poke holes in the plan and see if it still holds Water for you. I don't think they mean to be disrespectful, they just want to make sure that you are sure you know what you are doing/getting yourself into. Just be strong and resolved. Just thinking about telling him is stressing you, so you can tell him and get it overwith, or stew about it yourself.

I honestly didn't expect it to go as good as it did with my Dad, but as it turns out he sees me as an adult now a whole lot more than I do at times and at least in my case he sees that I have made some pretty good decisions for myself and my life thus far. It was a really good talk and I feel closer to him now than I did before so it went well.

I wish you luck with talking to your father in whatever way works for you.

[Swan56 6]

Thank you all SO much for your help and your opinions. It is nice to know I'm not the only one who has struggled with telling a family member.

@ElfiePoo and RyanTheGirl -- Thank you for some advice on how to breech the subject with him.

@Happygirl65 -- I'm glad to hear your discussion with your dad went so well

A lot was touched on since I was last on. Ryan - i think you asked if i was already scheduled? I haven't been approved by insurance yet but it is in the process. I have a tentative date for 12/27. So - I basically have a few weeks to let my dad know that i'm doing more than "thinking" about having it done. I suppose it is my fault in how I brought up the subject. I should have sounded more sure. I know I want/need the surgery. I knew that when i brought it up. I wouldn't have even broached the subject had I just been thinking. I allowed him to make me feel like I hadn't thought it through or that I didn't really need it. Next time, I will talk to him with confidence. Show him I have done my research and i've made up my mind.

Thank you again for your help! And good luck Melzie_99 in telling your family as well