Despairing

[AliceA 0]

Hi everyone,

Sorry for the dramatic title, but I've been feeling so low about my band, my body and my relationship with food for quite some time now.

I was banded in August 2009. I did not have the highest of BMIs to begin with (42), I was around 5 stone overweight. I had the operation because (like most people) I'd tried everything else and was only gaining more and more weight. As a young person, I was feeling like life would pass me by, with me just getting fatter and fatter and more and more depressed.

I lost 2 stone within about 4 months of the operation, but have since remained 3 stone overweight, the scale not budging from 13 stone (my goal is 10).

I had faith in my ability to use the band responsibly, having done a huge amount of research before making the choice to have the operation. The band works exactly as it should - I can feel when I'm physically full, and if I could just switch off my emotions, I'd be eating very little, such is the pleasant feeling of satisfaction I get from just a few bites of a meal. However, as it is, I'm feeling almost as out of control around food now as I did before the operation. I find myself eating soft foods, or else chewing and chewing until food will go down, eating well beyond the point where it's comfortable - even making myself throw up or spit thick slime into a cup for up to an hour after eating (before beginning all over again the moment it stops).

I'm furious with myself because of course I know what I should be doing in order to work with my band, but it's like there's something so perverse in me that feels this terrible need to push food down, and even in the face of so much discomfort and unhappiness, I can't stop myself. I hate food, honestly. I hate eating, I don't enjoy my meals, I hate the panicy feeling I have in relation to the prospect of food in the house. I can't relax, can't think about anything else. I feel like I'm back at square one in a way, and at this rate I can imagine gaining back the weight I've lost (and probably more)

Has anyone else experienced this? Has anyone overcome it??

I feel like, no matter how well I thought I knew the band, and in spite of the faith I had in myself not to be my own saboteur, I'm still out of control with food.

[elizabeth_ahmad 1]

Good evening,

It sounds like you really need to look into finding a therapist or psychiatrist to help you address your issues with food and how those relate with the rest of your life. Lap-Band is only physical. Some of us only have physical issues to deal with, but most of us also have psychological issues that must be dealt with. Until you get the treatment you need, it will difficult for you loose weight and keep it off no matter what bariatric procedure you choose.

From your language usage, I presume you live in the UK or in a country that is part of the Commonwealth. Those countries usually have nationalized health care which does have some financial benefits. Try to find a therapist or psychiatrist who specializes in eating disorders.

Good luck! I know it can be difficult dealing with the emotional issues, but you made a life changing decision to get the Lap-Band. Get the help you need to be a success for yourself!

[AliceA 0]

Thank you very much for the reply, Elizabeth. I've tried going to a counsellor before I opted for the surgery, but I felt like I wasn't getting anywhere. I think obviously I need to persist with it because I can see my misuse of food can't be resolved by physically trying to stop the hunger, because it's emotional. I can't help but feel like the surgery was a huge waste of money in one sense, but I don't think it's particularly useful to think about it like that. I'm going to try and find a professional to talk to. Thanks again for the advice.

[123crod 170]

I totally agree with the above post. You need help and that is nothing to be ashamed of. So many of us are emotional eaters but your problem seems even more than that. Like you want to punish yourself. I am no doctor but I have seen a therapist on and off for the past 6 years and think it will help you. Do you go to a support group? That is very important to be around people who are dealing with the things you are, you find out you are not alone. On-line support is great but not the same as in-person. We did not have a support group close to me so I met people on this site in the same area as me and we meet and talk on the phone on a regular basis. It helps so much. I aslo found when food controls me instead of me controlling it I return to protien shakes. I buy the ready made so I do not have to think about food at all for a few days.

God bless you. I said a prayer for you. You are not alone.

Cheri

[isaviolinist 11]

I'm a compulsive eater as well and have just started to see a therapist who specializes in eating disorders to try to deal with my binge eating. The way the band works and the way my emotions and head works remain separate. I know many people here claim that their band has taken care of their emotional and compulsive eAting habits, but I could never imagine that happening for me. Just gonna have to deal with it the old fashioned way. I would definitely look into seeing a therapist! Goodluck!

[AliceA 0]

Cheri, thanks so much for your kind words.

So many of us are emotional eaters but your problem seems even more than that. Like you want to punish yourself.

This is what I've always felt with food, I think it is my ultimate off-switch and (what seems like) the best form of escape. I hate eating because I have no control, and I hate food because I'm always pushing it down past the point where it could ever be enjoyable. Being obsessed in this way - it's all very unpleasant to live with, and it's made me have a very negative relationship with my body. I think the worst thing about having this fixation with food is that other people who've never had a problem with food, society in general, have absolutely no idea what it's like. The stigma around over-eating is incredible, and food is this thing that people are so dismissive of, because food is present in everything we do in our lives, and having this sort of a problem with it is I guess laughable for people who can just breezily eat what they like and stop when they like. I think the shame that comes with it is the hardest thing to get over.

I know many people here claim that their band has taken care of their emotional and compulsive eating habits, but I could never imagine that happening for me.

Thanks for the reply, isaviolinist, nice to know I'm not alone. I really did believe somehow that once I had the band, my body's sense of fullness would dictate how I then came to relate to food. Unfortunately, it's all too easy to push past what's comfortable for the body in order to do what your head wants. When I saw my councillor prior to deciding on the band, I was really desperate to save myself, I was at the end of my tether with what food was doing to my life, and when the counselling didn't help, I grabbed onto the band as the thing that I could use to pull myself out. Sad that that hasn't been the case, and I do wonder how it can be that so many people with emotional issues with food have been able to overcome them just using the band and not having to go the 'old fashioned way'. The band is a tool, like everyone says, I guess despite what I thought I knew about it and about me, I still wasn't able to see that tackling my food issues would require as much work with a therapist as if I had not had the band fitted.

[ansoninc 16]

Thank you very much for the reply, Elizabeth. I've tried going to a counsellor before I opted for the surgery, but I felt like I wasn't getting anywhere. I think obviously I need to persist with it because I can see my misuse of food can't be resolved by physically trying to stop the hunger, because it's emotional. I can't help but feel like the surgery was a huge waste of money in one sense, but I don't think it's particularly useful to think about it like that. I'm going to try and find a professional to talk to. Thanks again for the advice.

If the first therapist did not work, look for another. Sometimes it takes a while to find the right one. As others have said, find one that specializes with eating disorders.

Hang in there

diana