female only Trying decide if I should stay in or leave my marriage!!!

[bigtom1948 8]

I am very late in the response to your question and perhaps unwelcome as a male in this issue. I'll just say it there is NO excuse for physical or mental abuse in a marriage. Please consider leaving as soon as possible. The "I'll never let you go" comment scares the hell out of me cause too many contoling spouses (male and female) have in the past made the choice to kill thier spouses and the children to "save them from the pain".

I grew up in a home that had violence both ways more often than I care to remember. It made quite an impression on me and I vowed to never be like that even if I get hurt I don't lash out. I am happily married now for 47 years and we never hit each other and if we fight, we fight fair without lobbing unrelated personal attacks and sticking to the issue(s) that are bothering us. Some we resolved, some we lived with and MOST turned out to not be that important as time passed. I don't think we have fought more than 5-6 times since we have been married because we talk to each other and we are both sensitive the each others feelings. We make it clear that we respect each others opinions and always consult each other on big issues, epsecially in how our money is spent. If we had resorted to personal invictives then I think we wouldn't have stayed together this long. But hey thats just us. It's sad but it seems that some folks confuse love with power and domination over another.

At any rate, having had two daughters who both, unbeknownst to me, had abusive boyfriends and they put up with it "cause I Loved Him" and gave me the the Ol' "You wouldn't have understood" lines. This happened in thier 20's and they are amazed how wise I became by the time they reached thier 30's. Mind you they didn't let me know about it then cause had I known I WOULD have confronted these Bozo's. It made me feel really nice when they both said that they were looking for relationships like my wife and I share. But it also saddened me that they put up with this after living and observing an example of a good partnership. My wife and I aren't saints but we work at our marraige and I love her as much now as I did when love was new and shiney. It can still shine if it gets buffed with love and respect.

Final thought is You Deserve Respect and have the right to be treated in a kind, loving manner...especially from your husband. Of course you must also respect yourself enough to say NO to this abuse. He's the one you made vows with and no excuses for cultural differences should be tollerated.

I am sorry if my butting in was out of line or is unwelcome but, Jesus help us, the "I'll never LET you go" thing really screamed danger to me. Take care and continue to ask your counselor for help but don't stay for money or the kids missing thier dad. They would miss thier Mom a lot more.

[xavier 153]

I have a very simple piece of advice for you and you can take it or leave it of course. Imagine it is 20 years down the road and oyu are having a conversation with your children who are now in their 20s and married. They tell you they are in the exact same situation as you are in right now. Do you tell them to stay or go? That is your answer because you love them more than you love yourself and you will help them do what is right. Good luck dear!

[thu1976355 0]

Leave... Physical abuse is NEVER OK.. and never your fault. If he hit you once he will do it again..

[cheryl2586 3,053]

Why do women feel they deserve to be treated any less than a human being. Dont let him ruin your life. Life is too short. If a man does not support you emotionally, financially, physically and mentally 100% without asking for anything in return then leave him. Men are supposed to be providers and take care of us. I have the most loving awesome husband any one could have. Not one week goes by that he doesnt bring me flowers home, gives me more affection than anyone can ever need and most of all he provides for me 100%. Yes I work but he will not let me pay the bills. If I want something he tells me to get it. He said if you work get what you want or even if I didnt work I would still be able to get what I want. Men have forgotten how to be husbands and understand what women need. Get out now and get your self esteem back and find someone who deserves you.

[tookie 1]

First off, do not discuss marital issues with your kids, it puts them right in the middle. Second, do you know how to protect children, by protecting their mother. You have to protect yourself. I grew up with an alcholic father who was always fighting with my mom, she was just as abusive to him. I told my sister I resented our dad for the childhood we had. My sister shocked me by saying she resented our mother for allowing it to happen. (not leaving)

[NYsLegend78 29]

The reason he blows up on you around every 3 months is because domestic abuse works in a cycle. It go's from good to abusive to apologetic then starts all over again. You need to get up and go cause I doubt he will change.

[options123 3]

RUN AND NEVER LOOK BACK!

[Christina.Rose 287]

You obviously have not been happy or you would not be cheating on him. Cheating is not fair to anyone, just foolish to think kissing is somehow Ok. He doesn't sound like he's particularly nice to you anyways and abuse is a definite escape clause.from any relationship. Don't put up with it. The kids don't need to see the abuse OR watch affairs destroy the already fragile family.

[HotButterFly 981]

Gosh!! What a terrible situation you're in. When I read your initial post and then read the quick, subsequent "solutions" suggested I was annoyed. Annoyed because #1, you didn't give enough information for people to so simply and easily say:LEAVE HIM (actually, that's my ONLY reason) Buuuut, after you shared more information, and answered Mariasha's very important & smart questions, I can voice MY opinion.

It boils down to do you love him and does he love you AND are you BOTH determined to be vested in putting in ALL THE HARD WORK it takes to safe a marriage. It's freaking hard-but possible only if there is love on both sides. He knows how unhappy you are... He probably also feel guilt over not giving you your place, and kinda pushing you to have an emotional affair, but men are too prideful to fess up- specially if its things related to emotions. Men are emotional dinosaurs (for the most part).

If you think there's a slither of hope, try everything and anything to safe your union... You should start by asking HIM if he's 100% 'determined and vested in putting in all the hard work'... That includes NEVER bringing up the pass. Good luck, my dear. I hope The Lord can lead you in the right path & I hope he gives you wisdom to know what to do and when to do it. (((HUG)))

Life is not black & white

[HotButterFly 981]

****! I didn't notice how old this post is...!!

[PuraVida37 715]

I wonder whatever happened in this situation...?