My husband no longer wants to have sex with me. TMI ALERT!!

[nurse2minister 0]

Can I ask you where your husband is with his weight? Maybe he does not know how to handle the changes that he sees in you. Also the new confidence you have in your body and life (which is a good thing) is a difficult thing for him to take in. The first thing you should do is sit down and have a heart to heart and try to talk in a non-confrontational way. If that does not work, suggest therapy and if he refuses then go to therapy for yourself. Let him know that while you Celebrate how this surgery has helped you to look better, the best thing is you are now more healthy and have cut the risk of premature death or illness. Let us know how you are doing in the future. You can also try other sexual positions and now that you have lost weight it is probably and option. Maybe go away on a long weekend together. Hope everything works out fo you.

[nameunknown 0]

My husband has been the same weight since we met. His BMI is around 35. I never recommend him to lose or gain weight, I am a firm believer that your weight is your own and should not be available for negotiation. I will weigh what I think is best and no one has the right to tell me to lose or gain. This is my body and I will not modify it for anyone, I am the one who has to live here. That being said, we were talking yesterday about me getting a boob lift and he said "You should just gain about 15 pounds, that should fix it" Pfft!

When we met I was probably a size 10 and I have varied from 10-16 throughout our relationship.

We do not have insurance and so at this time we can not afford a therapist. We have committed to live on a very tight budget for the next year or so. This is also why I cant just go buy some new boobs. I am very unhappy that they are gone and I really want to get them fixed but it would be very irresponsible for me to spend the money at this time.

My other issue is that like Cocco said there are other positions but when we have sex with him behind me, I start feeling like it is more controlling and less intimate. I don't mind on occasion but I am not interested in doing it that way every time.

Someone asked about kids, ours are 16,16,18, and 21 and we share custody with the ex's so they are in and out of the house, they pretty much live in their own worlds and don't really see much fighting.

I really get irritated at posters who ask for advice then once its given they say "yeah but" of why they cant or wont do what is suggested but I guess now I am doing the same with my "I cant afford a therapist" excuse but I honestly can not fit it in the budget, I would have to literally not pay a house or car payment to afford it. But I do thank everyone for the advice.

[Cangel76 1]

My husband has been the same weight since we met. His BMI is around 35. I never recommend him to lose or gain weight, I am a firm believer that your weight is your own and should not be available for negotiation. I will weigh what I think is best and no one has the right to tell me to lose or gain. This is my body and I will not modify it for anyone, I am the one who has to live here. That being said, we were talking yesterday about me getting a boob lift and he said "You should just gain about 15 pounds, that should fix it" Pfft!

When we met I was probably a size 10 and I have varied from 10-16 throughout our relationship.

We do not have insurance and so at this time we can not afford a therapist. We have committed to live on a very tight budget for the next year or so. This is also why I cant just go buy some new boobs. I am very unhappy that they are gone and I really want to get them fixed but it would be very irresponsible for me to spend the money at this time.

My other issue is that like Cocco said there are other positions but when we have sex with him behind me, I start feeling like it is more controlling and less intimate. I don't mind on occasion but I am not interested in doing it that way every time.

Someone asked about kids, ours are 16,16,18, and 21 and we share custody with the ex's so they are in and out of the house, they pretty much live in their own worlds and don't really see much fighting.

I really get irritated at posters who ask for advice then once its given they say "yeah but" of why they cant or wont do what is suggested but I guess now I am doing the same with my "I cant afford a therapist" excuse but I honestly can not fit it in the budget, I would have to literally not pay a house or car payment to afford it. But I do thank everyone for the advice.

I don't know where you live but we have some places around here that have a sliding scale. Not sure if that would help. I think he is most likely feeling insecure with your weight loss and him being overweight. Make sure he realizes that you love him no matter what and do your best to sit down and talk as much as possible. See what the real problem is.

[elcee 3,341]

I was discussing this with my husband the other day. Asked him if I was now too bony and he looked at me like I had 2 heads. He does not like fat women but to give him credit he never once told me that I needed to lose weight.He's getting a bit thicker around the middle himself and it would be nice if he toned up but it certainly doesn't make any difference in bed. 90% of sex is in the mind anyway so if you close your eyes you can imagine anything/anyone you want.

I do think that if it is such a big issue there is something deeper going on. Therapy could be the answer but if he is not willing to go to therapy then that is an indicator that he is not interested in fixing whatever it is that's broken.

Maybe he finds it easier to blame your weight loss than to tell you what is really going on - particularly if what is going on involves him.

[missgypsy 1]

Have you thought about going to a Doctor's offices, clinics, hospitals, community centers, religious organizations, even your local phone book may all have helpful resources about where to find free marriage counseling in your particular area. Many churches and congregations regularly have counseling sessions or workshops for couples interested in improving their marriage and learning the skills needed to build a lasting relationship.

An important fact of about marriage counseling is that the therapist, doctor, counselor, or whoever may be leading the sessions, are merely there to offer their insightful knowledge, unbiased opinions, guidance, and support.

I do understand where you are coming from about the money aspect of it all. I'm really sorry you are having to deal with all of this. Have you just sat down without any interruptions from kids, tv, phones or anything and just talked to him? He really may not realize what he is doing is hurting your feelings and your marriage? Sometimes men just come off being an ass when really they don't mean it that way. My hubby does it and I will call his hand on it. He does say he is sorry and he didn't realize how he came off. In other words he's not going to know unless you speak up. Puke it out, get it out in the open and move on. At least he will know where you stand. He might act like an ass for a while (because you called him out) but eventually he might actually come around. Gaining 15 lbs I do believe is just as excuse and thats not going to make your boobs plump back up there. DOes he think if you gain 15 lbs and then gain some more and more then other men won't find you as attractive as they do now? Maybe he just doesn't know how to handle you looking like you do and all that. I really do hope it works out for you. (hugs)

[Phranp 46]

I have a question: Is the general tone of your husbands criticism of your weight loss out of character for him?

After all the work you have done to become healthier it seems a little meanspirted for your husband to say "You should just gain about 15 pounds, that should fix it". So, I am just asking if it is new behavior for him to be mean (which would possibly indicated his fear of losing you), or if it is characteristic of him to say thoughtless things to you (in which case YOU may be the one that has made a 180 and increased your self esteem to the point that you now really hear what he has always been saying to you). Someone told me a long time ago that when we change ourselves EVERYTHING around us changes. Not everyone will be happy with the new you, and I am so sorry that one of the people is your husband. I truly hope that this works out for what is best for you and your family. Somehow I don't get the impression that you are a person that will allow anyone to torture you be it physically, mentally or emotionally.

I wish you the best, whatever you choose to do.

[stateofzen 46]

If you are lucky to live in a town or city with a university in it or nearby, you can probably find very very low cost therapy through the psychology graduate training program. It's a win-win for everyone-- you can get low cost treatment (when I was going through training, I think my highest paying client paid $20 a session and that was unusual), and the graduate student gets to see clients when they are so eager to do so (they are supervised very very well, of course). I don't know if it's an option for you, but it's worth a shot.

As for positions, I'd be more likely to suggest you on top, rather than him behind. There's nothing bony to jab with woman on top and you also have the added benefit of more stimulation to the girly bits and much increased intimacy. Please forgive me if this is too forward-- I have sex therapy training so I'm used to just putting it right on out there for people.

[heidi05 6]

I actually have another name on this forum but I cant post this information there because my husband reads it. Just a quick note about myself, I have lost 100% of my excess weight and have a BMI between 21 and 22. I am very happy with my size and weight.

My husband hates my new body. He calls me bony and hates the fact that my boobs are gone. He says my pelvis is sharp and hurts when we have sex. We fight all the time and I am afraid we are headed toward a divorce.

Anybody else have these problems?

hi lost half of my excess in may this year and my hubby walked out cos he said i sdidnt eat enough something tells me that he was a feeder so good riddence but sorry your going through that maybe he will come round why not try different positions maybe youll find one that doesnt cause him discomfort

[Apples2 19]

hi lost half of my excess in may this year and my hubby walked out cos he said i sdidnt eat enough something tells me that he was a feeder so good riddence but sorry your going through that maybe he will come round why not try different positions maybe youll find one that doesnt cause him discomfort

Certainly not posting this to make OP feel any worse than she does...but....I don't know a man that would turn down ANY sex because it might hurt a little bit.

Heidi...you stated "Why not try different positions..maybe you'll find one that doesn't cause him discomfort". I'm guessing the only discomfort this man has is within himself and he needs to figure out why he is using excuses.

[amberakamom 13]

I think he is being a jerk. A supportive husband would never say those things. He should love you unconditionally.

[Humming Bird 275]

I think he is being a jerk. A supportive husband would never say those things. He should love you unconditionally.

That pretty much sums it up in a nutshell. I agree, but it's the dealing with it that can't be packed up that tidy. It must be very frustrating and I wish I had the magic fix for the OP.

[nameunknown 0]

Hey Everybody, I am back for an update. Last night I was in the kitchen cooking dinner and talking to my husband and turned around and looked at him and he was making faces at me behind my back. I got mad and went to stay the night at my office. This morning he comes to talk to me and at first he was denying that it happened then he said "I was just playing" and went further to say that it was a joke and now I take everything in a negative fashion. I told him he was abusive, and he insisted that he was just being "sarcastic" and "a smart ass". Then he started telling me I was an alcoholic and that I get "falling down drunk" every night and that is why he is mean to me. (I do drink a glass or 2 of wine at night.) Then he asked "Would it be easier for you to quit drinking or me to quit being a smart ass? I have been like this since I was 4."

I am to the point where I am not willing to change my behavior to suit him. I probably do drink too much but I am not willing to stop drinking so that my husband will stop being mean to me. I will also take this time to say I have a major phobia about being bossed around, I will do the opposite of what you want if you try and say I have to do something, so now even if I wanted to stop drinking I would have a problem doing it just because I feel bossed around. So maybe I am an alcoholic and am like those people on intervention who make up excuses of why they wont stop? I will post a disclaimer that I did quit drinking to finish losing the last 15 pounds about 2 months and had no side affects.

Honest opinions wanted.

[BillyTheBear 0]

Sorry your husband seems so negative lately regarding your success with weight loss and just in general. Commenting on your last post I will say I can relate to your husband, as a man. . . I have a sarcastic sense of humor with my wife altho I would never let it get to the point to where she walked out. We kinda feed off each others sense of humors and sometimes mine comes off as assholish but really that's just my personality and she knows that. If I push it too far tho I generally tell her I am sorry and we make up.

Are you perhaps over-analyzing everything now sense the intimacy of your relationship has become what you feel flawed to him? I know when my wife lost weight I can honestly admit I felt like I was going to lose her, at the same time I didn't attack her and just praised her for her efforts and hard work. . . but I can somehow relate with how he may be feeling deep within the sarcasm.

As suggested perhaps some good ol fashion therapy is what you both need. You both need to lay out your feelings on the table and see what direction you both want to take your relationship. The last thing you want is to change for anyone but yourself. . . you only live once, make it as happy of a life as YOU can. . ya know?

I wish you the best in all of this, and hope if it was meant to be. . that your marriage also heals over time and you both become one with the new you!

As far as drinking goes, that's a bit of a personal opinion thing. . no one can tell you to stop drinking if it's something you enjoy, at the same time most of us can say when stressed it may lead to more obsessive drinking, and maybe he sees that you're stressed right now and perhaps feels you're turning to alcohol because of it?

Once again, I wish you the best. . . if you need a man's perspective on anything or wish to ask me any question feel free to shoot me a message. I've been through a lot with my wife and if anything it has made us the incredibly strong union we are today. . very happy and blessed with two beautiful children!

[chica125kml 0]

If you are not going to try marriage counseling then leave because it's not worth the emotional and mental abuse he is putting you through. I know that from experience. I know a lot of people who have 1-2 glasses of wine or beers a night. Don't people know that a glass a wine a day is a good thing.

[ElfiePoo 109]

My mother-in-law has a glass of wine every night. She'd probably have two except the one puts her to sleep. :blushing:

Seriously, a couple glasses of wine at night does not an alcoholic make. I know many people who have a couple glasses of wine or beer *every* evening...and they are not alcoholics. I would caution you to be careful though if you feel you 'need' those drinks to relax because life is so stressful right now. Nobody starts drinking with the intention of being an alcoholic, but some wake up one morning and realize they have become one.

Your husband was caught in the act (making faces) of doing something inappropriate and mean and is trying to make his actions less important by trying to turn the tables on you and your behavior. If it wasn't the alcohol, it would've been something else.

I have to say I'm a bit dumbfounded at the idea of a grown man making faces like a child behind his spouse's back.

Ok...my .02. If you can't afford a therapist, then a good old fashioned sit down is in order. Keep it calm. You might just put it out there and bluntly ask him if he's looking for a reason to end the marriage. He may not realize how close he's coming.

In the end, you have to do what is good for you.

.