A funny Christmas letter

[Anwyn 0]

My sister Ami writes the funniest Christmas letters. Thought I'd share...

Happy holidays everyone!

In the past, my Christmas letters have been fairly irreverent, poking fun at my children's antics and husband's illustrious military career. I've always worried the letters might offend some people. So this year, I've decided to stick with a more traditional letter, which is in normal type. Read the italics at your own peril.

Dear beloved friends and family,

Merry Christmas! 2005 has been a busy, wonderful year. Brandon, who has always longed to travel, started the year off in scenic Iraq. Ami, who has always longed to go slowly insane, spent the first part of the year alone with the three kids. This blissful situation came screeching to a halt in late January, when Brandon received a bullet wound in his foot while sight-seeing in Baghdad. Brandon obtained the wound after throwing himself in front of a young child and her puppy to shield them from sniper fire. For his bravery, he earned the undying gratitude of the child's mother and the respect of his superiors.

Okay, so there was no child in peril. Brandon got shot while walking home from the internet café on post. Since it was election day, his superiors decided the bullet was "celebratory fire." And since happy bullets don't hurt as much, he didn't get a purple heart. Instead, they awarded him a box of Lucky Charms, which contained delicious pink hearts, yellow stars, blue diamonds and green clovers.

Despite enjoying his time in Iraq, Brandon made the heart-wrenching decision to leave the army after his commitment expired in June. We're free! We're free!

In July, we moved to Cadillac, Michigan and bought a luxurious new home. Located in the heart of ski country, this fabulous wooded estate, which features a two-story deck, a walk-out basement and carpeted floors, will serve us well for years to come. The basement leaks, the deck and its so-called "railing" is a death trap, and the carpet smells like urine. At first, we assumed the carpet smell originated from the previous owner's 23-year-old Yorki (presumed name: Mr. Sprinkles); now, we figure it was our home inspector's seeing eye dog who did the damage. Did I mention we hate to ski?

Noah continues to amaze us with his soaring imagination. His newest creation is Camouflage Boy: mild-mannered kindergarten student by day, caped superhero by night. The cape is actually a burgundy hand towel that I purchased to match my bathroom. When Noah's feeling particularly feisty, he switches to the coordinating hand towel and is instantly transformed into Camouflage Man. That's our precocious darling!

And hey, who wouldn't want to be the parent of a superhero? Don't get me wrong -- I'm all for pretend play. Just so long as I don't have to blow up along with our home planet to provide Noah with enough angst to follow a life in the shadows. And I want my towels back!

Abbie is very busy with her new preschool and ballet classes. She is learning a lot, and is set to dance the lead in Swan Lake later this month. That's our little superstar! Abbie is on month 21 of learning the colors and shapes, yet still manages to mix up the squares and rectangles. She's appearing as "Fifth Dancer on the Left" in a stirring performance of "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star." She does look pretty cute in her little pink leotard, though.

Luc is always on the go and is talking my ear off! At first, I was concerned about his speech because he never called me "Mama". Instead, he called me something that sounded a lot like "Swahili". Well, it turns out he's been calling me "Sweetie". Isn't that the cutest thing you've ever heard? Okay, so "on the go" is a bit of an understatement. The kid never slows down, and he has a lovely habit of playing in his soiled diapers. Sometimes, when he gets bored with his own feces, he heads over to the kitty litter box for a bit of variety. The "Sweetie" part is true, though, so all is forgiven!

Well, hopefully you all stuck with the regular type so you can honestly say you've never read a Christmas newsletter with the word "feces" in it. As for those brave souls who read the italics, my apologies. On a serious note (no, really -- I swear), we'd like to thank all of you for holding us in your thoughts and prayers while Brandon was overseas.

God Bless!

Love, Ami, Brandon, Noah, Abbie and Luc

[CandySmooch 0]

OMG your sister is one funny lady and what a clever and joyful Christmas Letter!

[HarleyNana 10]

When is her next book of humor hitting the stands? Thanks for sharing.

[PamRN 0]

I love it, you have a very creative sister!

[live2canoe 1]

I'd buy a book she wrote!!!

[liannatx 897]

Thanks for sharing!!! I'd also buy a book!

[Anwyn 0]

You guys are so nice - I'll tell her to get working on her book! Maybe if she knows she's already sold a few copies it will get her motivated, lol.

[Guest ASPHALT ANGEL]

She is just too funny. Great letter!!!

[Dutchgrl59 2]

That was fun! Give your Sis a hug from us.

[Iluvharleys 15]

How cute, she really should write a book!

[Mita 2]

Thanks for sharing that was pretty cute.