Counting down the hours

[Guest bonniejean]

Hello everyone......I'm bonnie and just a few hours away from an action that will no doubt change my life forever.......I'm sitting here, alone at my office trying to tie up some loose ends, but unable to concentrate on the tasks at hand, for all the silly thoughts and conflicting emotions that are racing through my mind--like my car will probably be easier to keep clean without all the little bits and pieces of shredded lettuce and cheese that tend to seep down between the seats and on the floor, and the fact that the fronts of my blouses will be less stained by ketchup, mustard and a plethora of secret sauces from all my jaunts through the drive-thrus and eating while driving....good thing, right? But I'm also reflecting back on my life and the role food has played....I recall the wonderful smell of fresh doughnuts emanating from the coffee house near our house as we walked to school in the morning....sometimes we would stop and buy some, along with cold chocolate milk...and I remember the way the hot doughnuts felt...all soft and warm going down....and as I got older, the thrill of being able to leave campus for lunch--greasy hamburgers and limp fries and hot dogs---the feeling of returning to the campus luxuriously full and satisfied.....and then there was the glorious smell of supper on the stove when I came home from school....some of the best moments of my life were spent in our small kitchen telling my mother about my day as she prepared the meal....sometimes I would help her peel potatoes or make a salad, but mostly I just relished those few moments of having her undivided attention--a rarity with three kids, a full time job and a very demanding husband. And then there were the holidays....totally centered around food--making it, eating it, cleaning up from it, and then doing it all again...what place will food occupy in my post-surgical life? Will I be able to successfully assimilate it in my new reality? I am so tired of food dominating my life, but will the obsession just take a new form? Will I be one of those people who continue to have symptoms and problems following surgery, or wil I be able to put food into a category like showering and making the bed...just part of keeping life going....I feel strangely melancholy...but regardless of the myriad mix of feelings, in just a few hours my husband and i will begin a two hour trek toward the city where I will be banded...we will spend the night in a hotel and be at the hospital at 6 am.....my poor husband....he is totally supportive. but doesn't like hopitals and surgeries and is a little ambivalent about why someone would volunteer for that action...he thinks I'm perfect right now, but he will soldier on.....thanks for allowing me to vent in an understanding environment and think of me tomorrow morning....sorry for the rambling, but I feel better......b

[Iluvharleys 15]

Great post! You are going though what we all go through, and it is totally normal. I can still eat pretty much anything, just in smaller amounts. Good luck with your surgery, and please post and let us know how you are doing when you can.

[Dutchgrl59 2]

;-) Hey, Bonnie....

come here, I'll hold your hand if you need to. We're all friends here and everyone here understands. So, don't be a stranger and ask questions as you go along. Congratulations, you've made a wise choice. See ya in bandland.

[mousecrazy 2]

First of all, I wish you the best in your surgery and healing. It is a big decision. Just know that all of us made that decision (well, almost all of us!). I sure understand your reflections on food. Food is both a pleasure and a necessity, which makes it confusing sometimes. I just want to encourage you to know that food will and can be (still) a pleasure. I still love the same foods, they still have appeal to me emotionally...the smells, the associations. After 5 months, I find that I actually enjoy food more. I eat much less of it, so I really savor what I do eat. I don't eat the filler part of a meal...all the potatoes and bread and rice. I do eat these things sometimes, but not regularly, because I concentrate on the Protein first. If I am really wanting some bread, I will eat some. I am satisfied with just a portion, not a whole roll...especially not 4 or 5! Each of us has discovered foods that will and won't work with our bands...it is individual. Don't be sad about giving up the importance of food or the atmosphere of food. You will still have the healthy part of that.

I wish you well. Cindy

[chichigirl 1]

Congratulations on making this very important life decision, one that I don't think you will regret.

That was an excellent post and certainly not rambling by any means. You were able to adequately express your mourning over the loss of an old friend - food. You will replace this obsession with another, but hopefully it will be for something alot more healthy. That part of it doesn't have to be negative at all.

The mourning is one of those stages we must go through, but it will pass realtively quickly in the grand scheme of things.

It's really important that you have the support of your husband, as that will be invaluable to you as you walk this path. It's also fortunate that you found this board to come to. Everyone and I do mean everyone here is sooooo supportive, helpful, intelligent and caring, you will always have others who can totally relate to whatever you are going through, no matter what it is. There is always at least several people who have already experienced whatever it is you are going through.

I wish you luck and will be praying that you have an uneventful surgery and super speedy recovery. Take care and keep us posted.

Happy Holidays

Cindy

[Guest bonniejean]

Thanks so much guys for the positive words....it means more than you know...I've had another insight since I posted earlier today....My excitement and happiness at finally arriving at this crossroad is mixed with some feelings of guilt...guilt, that I'm spending as much as I could buy a car for, in order to put a foreign object into my gut because I am too weak willed to control what I put in my mouth....This is the first time that I have acknowledged that out loud...I have two kids that we got through college and I've worked hard for the last 25 years, but I still feel guilty and selfish for spending that much money on myself when I know my daughter could really use that money.....Again, it feels good to come clean with that.....thanks again for your kind words...

[HeatherGurl 0]

Do not feel guilty for that reason!!! You are spending money to save your life!!!

[chichigirl 1]

Bonnie - Band rule #1, NO GUILT!!! It is the most destructive, useless emotion there is. As much as your daughter or anyone else could use the money, I am sure she would make the same exact decision for you. Having your Mom around is priceless, as is good health. So get off the guilt wagon and jump into lapband, it's a far happier place to be:-]

Cindy

[Mrs Sabre 1]

Congratulations on your pending surgery; I'm sure you'll do just fine

[Guest bonniejean]

Thank You....I know you all are right....if I can restore my energy level and zest for life, it will benefit my children more than a new car!!!!!!! But after playing the role of mom for 30 plus years, it feels a little strange to be tending to myself..I'm gonna' sign off for now and sometime in the next day or so, the new me will give a- no doubt- positive report....thanks again....I shouldn't have waited so long to reach out....

[MyKdsDad 1]

Bonnie, can I be blunt? You and your man have worked hard for a long time to give your family many, many things....so the heck with your daughter's new car. Used cars drive just as well. You owe it to yourself! She can get one the same way you got your first one, work for it. Then you can slide the new you into the passenger seat and tell her to take you for a spin (insert ear plugs, adjust DARK sunglasses, close eyes) Good luck, hon.

[Guest bonniejean]

Thanks for the encouraging words MYKDSDAD.....You are so right.....and I fully embrace what you are saying intellectually......Now that I've had it done and crossed that bridge, I' sure my heart will follow...well, as I said I am now the official owner of a Lapband and still filled with conflicting emotions.....my stomach muscles are very sore, I have a raging headache that I can't seem to get rid of, but other than that, everything went perfectl and I'm moving into the next stage of my life witha great sense of hope and expectation. Thanks again for all you kindness..I will share more details about the surgery and my personal story in the next few days....

BonnieJean

banded: December 16th, 2005

[MyKdsDad 1]

Bonniejean, good to see you made it home ok. I'm glad everything went so well. Many happy losses!

[Dutchgrl59 2]

Bonnie Jean,

I'm most anxious to hear your tale. I have not been banded yet.... hopefully by Feb. Take care, and thanks for posting so quickly.

[HarleyNana 10]

Congratulations Bonnie, good luck on your band journey.